by Smith, Wendy
I’m more in love with him than I’ve ever been.
It’ll be harder to break my fall next time.
* * *
Max drives me nuts on Monday morning. He might have had lots of sleep after his day out with Corey, but Adam returning and moving in is an adjustment. It doesn’t show at first, but little by little Max’s routines are out of whack, and with it his behaviour at times.
“I don’t want to go to school.” He throws his clothes across the room.
“Well, you have to go. You know you do.”
He pouts. “I want to stay home with Dad. He’s going to teach me how to fix a car.”
“Not today he’s not. It’s a school day.”
“I don’t want to go.”
There have been days when he’s been difficult, but I know where his limit is and when he really is too out of sorts to leave the house. This is just him being stubborn.
“Too bad. Get your clothes on.” I pick up his shirt and walk toward him. These are the days I am getting afraid of. When he gets to the point where he’s physically bigger than me, this will get a lot tougher. At least now Adam’s here that aspect of the future should be easier.
“Mum.” He whines, but I’m not letting him win this one.
“Come on, Max. Get dressed and we’ll go get you some Coco Pops.”
He rolls his eyes but obeys, unbuttoning his pyjama shirt at sloth speed.
“You guys okay?”
Max’s eyes light up at the sight of Adam. “Dad. I told Mum I can’t go to school ’cause you’re gonna teach me about cars.”
He shakes his head. “Not today, bud. We can take a look after school. Maybe I can pick you up?”
Max nods like crazy. “Cool. Where’s my T-shirt, Mum?”
I raise my eyebrows at Adam, and he smiles and shrugs before disappearing out the door presumably to go downstairs. I’ve been Max’s sole caregiver for so long. Adam being around is wonderful and hard all at the same time. I’m so used to doing everything alone—this is going to take some getting used to. It’s hard not to be resentful when my son dresses with enthusiasm after speaking with his father.
It’s as if Adam senses it when I come down the stairs. Max is right behind me, full of energy and enthusiasm to get to school, no doubt so he can finish for the day and come home to Dad.
“You okay?” Adam says quietly.
I nod. “I’m fine. I’ll have to add you to the school’s list of carers who can pick Max up so if someone sees you with him they’ll know not to call the police. Although given he was left to his own devices that day I was late, I don’t know how useful their list is.”
“I didn’t think of that.”
Slipping my arms around his waist, I press my head against his chest. “All your brothers are already on that list.”
He chuckles, his chest shaking as he smooths my hair with the palm of his hand. “I’m glad you had them here for you.”
“Mum. Where are the Coco Pops?”
I let out a sigh.
“I’ll get them,” says Adam. “Go get some time with Max before school, and I’ll make you a coffee.”
This—this is what makes adjusting to him being around worthwhile.
* * *
The irritations of the morning are gone by lunchtime. Adam gets out and into the garden with me, and helps clear a new patch for planting. I grow a lot of my own vegetables, both to eat and to sell at the local farmers’ market once a week, and I’m rewarded with fresh carrots, lettuce and onions among other things.
“This is so much easier with you helping.”
He grins. “I do wonder if it’s a waste of time.”
“Why?” I stand up, wiping my forehead with my sleeve. It’s hard work turning over the soil.
“Are we going to stay here, or go somewhere else?”
“Where would we go?” This place isn’t perfect, but it’s home, and I know at the very least that Max and I will always have a roof over our heads.
Adam shrugs. “I dunno. We could find another place closer to town and school. We could move to the city. The world’s out there for us to explore.”
“Max’s needs have to come first. I don’t know if he’ll cope in the city. This is his home.” I go back to digging.
“I know it’s his home, but it doesn’t have to be. Lil, you’ve done the best job you can, but I’m here now. I can—”
“If we’re going somewhere else, we have to decide as a family. You don’t just get to waltz in, turn our lives upside down, and move us around.” The truth is the thought of living anywhere else scares me. What am I going to do being with a man who could be called overseas to fight? What if next time he goes he doesn’t come back?
Adam sighs and walks towards me. He wipes his hands on his jeans and places them on my arms.
“Of course we’ll decide as a family. I want to give you everything, no matter how hard I have to work.” He presses his forehead to mine. “We all missed out on so much. I think we’re entitled to making a life together, and a good one.”
I sniff. “I love having you here, but this is such a big adjustment before we consider moving anywhere else.”
He lingers on my lips as he kisses them. “Can we take a break?”
“Not yet. I need to get more carrots planted.”
“If you come with me I’ll show you all the carrot you’ll ever need.” He gives me a slick smile as he pulls away, and all I do is roll my eyes.
“You’ll have to come up with a better line if you want to persuade me to stop working.” I pull away, digging and turning over more soil. “Besides, you haven’t seen the size of my carrots. I bet they put yours in the shade.”
I squeal as Adam grabs me around the waist, dropping the spade and surrendering as he takes my breath away with his kiss.
“Are you sure I can’t distract you for a little while before Max comes home? I’ll finish the garden.”
There’s a moment when I want to push him away, make him wait until I’m finished. I can’t neglect real life for this fairy tale he’s offering. But then again, he’s been trying so hard to help.
“Fine. For just a little while.” His lips trail down my neck and I lose all concentration. “I think I should warn you of something,” I whisper.
“What is it?” He’s pressed against my body, and I know how much he wants me.
“I’m not a fan of carrots.” Laughing, I give him a little push, separating myself from him and running back toward the house.
If I could just stop worrying for just a little while, life would be perfect.
* * *
“Adam?”
“Hmmm?”
We’ve been lying in the afterglow for I don’t know how long. Now, I know it’s time to get back to reality. “Your parents don’t want us to be together. How are you going to deal with that?”
He shrugs. “I’m a grown-up. I’ve lived my life away from them for twelve years. I don’t need their approval. You and Max are family enough for me. We’ll work out what we’re going to do with our future together.”
“Is that what you really want?” I tilt my head to get a better look at him.
“I want us. It’s what I’ve always wanted. Mum stood in our way for so long, and I don’t care anymore. Not when she withheld so much that I would have wanted to know. If I’d had any inkling of what you’d gone through, I would have been by your side in an instant.”
Stroking his bicep, I run my finger down his bare arms. When he grasps my arm in return, his touch is gentle, loving—everything I missed. I’ll never get enough of this.
Even the small amount of time we’ve had together has changed my life. I’m no longer as stressed and tired. Having Adam’s support has given me time to take a breath while someone else takes the reins. Someone I can trust.
“I love you more than anything, Lily. I can’t even begin to tell you how much my heart missed you.”
There are tears in my eyes as I meet his gaze, and I run
my thumb down his cheek. “I think I know,” I whisper. “It’s like the other half of my heart is home.”
He curls around me as we snuggle under the sheets. I feel safe, protected from all the bad things in the world.
I need to get back to planting, but I treasure these moments we have. They’ve been a long time coming.
He’s what I’ve always needed.
27
Adam
Some nights Lily has dreams—dreams that leave her struggling to breathe, dreams that leave her clutching the sheets and crying out.
It breaks my heart. I’ve had times in my life when I’ve felt helpless, unable to stop what’s happening before me. Those situations happen all the time in a war zone. None of it compares to this.
I think of that day—the day I went to her house looking for her. I can’t help but feel I didn’t try hard enough, that I needed to look harder. She was right under my nose the whole time, and if I’d found her then the months of being under her mother’s control wouldn’t have needed to happen. Guilt sits as a weight on my chest that just won’t go away.
Meanwhile, Lily is everything. She’s my morning, she’s my night, and she’s every single moment in between.
It’s clear that she’s struggling with my arrival. We both want this to work so much, but she’s so used to doing everything alone and it causes unnecessary tension between us. We’ll get there.
We lost each other once. It won’t happen again.
I head over to Mum and Dad’s. I lost it last time and left, but Mum still needs to explain to me why she did what she did. She owes me that much. She owes Lily and Max so much more.
To my surprise, the rest of my brothers are there, all four of them.
“Adam.” Drew stands from his seat on the deck and walks toward me. We shake hands before I pull him into my arms and embrace him.
“It’s good to see you. Were you planning to drop in on me and Lily?”
He nods. “On the way back tomorrow. I’m here overnight.”
“What are you all doing here?”
Drew speaks up first. “We all came over for lunch to try and talk out what happened to you. I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re pissed. Corey tried to speak with Mum about it, but she’s not saying a word.”
“She will when I speak to her.”
“Dude, she’s not well,” Drew says.
I look my brother in the eyes. I know she’s ill, it’s why I came home, but before anything further happens I need to know the truth. “I need her to talk to me, to explain why.”
He nods. “I can’t pretend to understand. I’m sorry we didn’t do better. We should have chased you down regardless.”
I know he’s genuine, that they all feel that way. They’re as torn about it as I am. “Well, I’m going in to talk to her.”
“Beer’s here when you’re finished.” He grins. “We have lots to catch up on.”
“We do.”
I push open the door and step into the kitchen. There’s no sign of Mum or Dad, but the TV’s on in the living room.
She sits on the couch, watching Family Feud and drinking a cup of coffee.
“Mum.”
She looks up. Her skin is pale, and I’m not sure if it’s at the thought of facing me or if she’s just having a bad day.
“Do you want a coffee?” she asks, standing.
“I’m just here for some answers.”
She swallows. It’s now I see how much she’s aged. I hadn’t noticed it that much at first, but her hair, slightly silvery when I left, is now almost completely that colour.
“You kept everything from me. What happened to Lily. That I had a son. I’m your son, Mum. What about me?”
Her nose twitches, but her expression remains calm. “I was protecting you. You had a new life, and you didn’t need to be dragged down by being a young father.”
“Shouldn’t I have made that decision? What did you ever do to help her? Max is your grandson.”
“I know,” she snaps, and for the first time I see tears in her eyes. “Who do you think told Ada Murphy where to find her?”
I catch a breath and stare. She set this whole thing up? Then told me all about how Lily had moved in with Eric?
“She understood, and she always had a soft spot for the girl.” Mum sits down, folding her shaking hands in her lap. “I saw that baby, Adam. All tubes and wires. I didn’t know if he’d survive, and I didn’t want to put you through finding out only to lose him.”
I run my fingers through my hair. “You still should have told me. If he’d died, I’d have never been able to hold my own son, my flesh and blood.”
She stares at me, tears rolling down her cheeks. All this time she’s acted as if she didn’t have a heart. “Lily couldn’t be a part of this family. You two would have ended up back here while you worked out your life, and I didn’t want her in my house.”
Anger takes hold of me, and I shake as I narrow my eyes. “I asked you this before, Mum—what did Lily ever do to you?”
“Nothing. It was her mother,” she yells, and I take a step back. “Her mother nearly broke this family apart, and I did not want a repeat of that with her daughter.”
“What are you talking about?”
She closes her eyes. “We came here because Corey was acting up, and because we were in trouble. Your father and I had been through some rough stuff, and I thought this place would be better for all of us. I made him apply for the transfer.” Opening her eyes again, she reaches out and touches my arm. It tears me up as I’m so angry and yet I can see how hard this is for her to talk about. “When we got here, your father had an affair with Lily’s mother. When you took up with Lily, it broke my heart. I couldn’t lose both of you to her.”
My mind reels at the revelation. How on earth was this possible? We never got a whiff of anything being wrong between Mum and Dad.
“Mum, I love Lily. I’m sorry for what Dad did, but she did nothing, and she’s the one who’s suffered for it.”
“I know.” She looks down.
“I don’t know what hurts more—the fact that you kept this from me, or that you deliberately let Lily and Max struggle. Don’t you see? Even if Max had died as a baby, Lily would have had me, and we would have had a chance. You left us with no hope.”
She swallows. “I had to protect my family.”
“You sacrificed my family to save yours.”
I leave her there. She’s crying, but I can’t comfort her. I’m so angry I can’t stay—I’ll just end up saying more things that maybe I’ll regret one day.
But there’s one thing I’ll never regret.
Coming home.
* * *
I might have my answers from Mum, but there’s one more thing I need to do before I leave.
Drew greets me with a beer when I come out.
“What happened? That was quick,” Corey says.
“I need to process it.” I crack open the beer and smile. “Did you guys want to come over for dinner? Lily’s cooking one of Corey’s pork roasts.”
“That’s a great idea,” Owen says. “I was about to leave anyway. We’ve just had lunch.”
I pinch my forehead. “So they invited all of you over, but not Lily, Max, and I?”
Owen looks at his feet. Corey just rolls his eyes. “I thought this would be the last place you’d want to be. Especially with Lily and Max.”
I shrug. “I thought maybe now it’s all out in the open, they might make an effort. Then again, after the conversation I just had with Mum …”
“How did that go?” James asks.
“Like I said, I need to process it. I’ll tell you later.” I let out a breath. There’s so much I need to think about from the conversation I just had with Mum before I can tell anyone else. “I do have one more mystery to solve. Which one of you has been dropping off supplies at Lily’s place?”
The brothers exchange glances.
Owen shrugs. “I drop off bread and cookies from
time to time.”
I shake my head. “No. Clothes for Max. Lily says she gets up some mornings and finds boxes on the doorstep.”
“No idea, little brother,” Corey speaks up. “I’ve dropped meat off for her before when I’ve been hunting, as you know. I’m pretty sure she knows about anything we’ve delivered. Maybe she has a secret admirer?”
“Or Max has a grandfather who couldn’t be part of his life, but didn’t want him to go without.” From behind me, the soft voice of Dad comes, and I turn to face him.
“You?”
“I made sure Lily didn’t have to spend money buying him new clothes. It wasn’t always easy to get to the city to find things, but when we made the odd trip I’d leave your mother shopping and sneak pieces of clothing into the car. Max’s mother had other things to worry about.”
I look around. “Why don’t any of you ever stand up to her?”
“She’s dying, Adam. Has been for some time. She hasn’t been easy to live with for so long, and once we knew about her health issues, it made it that much harder. How could I upset her?” Dad says.
“We all had Lily’s back,” Drew says.
“That’s not the point. Why did none of you try to contact me?” Every single face is guilty, Owen avoiding my eyes completely. It is such a simple question with a simple answer.
“Mum said she did. That you’d moved on and weren’t interested in coming home.” Corey gulps. “We decided that if you weren’t prepared to take care of Lily, we would help where we could. We’re her family.”
If my heart had been broken before, it shatters now. That my mother had been the source of all of this, had kept me from knowing about Lily and Max, had turned her back on them …
“You’re the worst.” I shift my focus back to Dad “I’m your son. Did you know she lied about me knowing?”
Dad drops his gaze. “You were young and impulsive. I thought …”
“You didn’t even know me,” I growl. “How could you if you thought I’d stay away from my family for a second?”
