I wish I could have held you in my arms one last time. You and your sister were the two best things I ever did in my life. I know you’ll grow up to be a man I’ll be proud of. I wish I could be there to see you grow up. I want you to live a full and happy life. Find love, Billy. All the rest doesn’t matter, as long as you are happy and find someone who you love and loves you.
“I wish I could have been there with you both. I wish they hadn’t taken me away.” Sophia was thankful they had, this way Billy had only good memories of their mother.
“How bad was it? How long did you have to deal with her like this, Soph?” he asked, pointing to the disorganized photo album.
“Not long.”
“How long?” Billy wouldn’t be put off.
“Probably three months.”
He shoved his album aside and pulled her in for a hard hug. “Sophia, how did you manage to cope? She was so lucky to have you.” Then he started to cry, and she held her brother, who really was still a boy no matter how big his body might have gotten. He was still only fourteen.
Finally, he calmed and gave an embarrassed laugh. “Let’s open your album and see if you got a letter.”
“Billy, is it okay if I read mine in private?” He gave her an assessing look and then hugged her.
“Sophia, whatever you need. What about the other box?”
“Can we get to it later? Maybe tomorrow, okay? I feel like baking.”
“Want some help?”
“You’d still do that? I thought you were getting to old for baking with your sister.”
“Not if I could get some chocolate chip cookies,” Billy said with a grin. They got up off the floor. Billy picked up three different photos, two he put on the mantle and one he put on the side table beside a grouping of other pictures. Sophia left her photo album on the coffee table, excited at the prospect of baking with Billy. It had been a long time since he had wanted to do that with her.
Chapter Seven
“So I’m getting Anderson cookies and what else?” Mason asked as he came in the kitchen door.
“Sophia went all out. There’s even banana cream pie and apple brown betty.”
“So who’s coming over for dinner?” Mason asked as he snatched some cookies off a plate and stroked Sophia’s hair, then tipped her head up for a kiss.
“Nobody. I’m taking half of everything over to Jack and Beth’s house. Jack wants another surfing lesson tomorrow morning, so they asked me to spend the night.” Jack Preston hadn’t pressured him the other night about Sophia, but he sure was clearing the decks so they could have some one-on-one time in case they did want to talk. The man was a sneaky bastard.
“Well I’m at least feeding you first,” Sophia insisted.
“No, you’re not. They promised pizza as long as I promised to bring dessert.”
“Do you have any idea how much you eat?”
“Jack’s even bigger than Mason. He’s huge.”
“He’s got you on that one, honey. You might as well let it go.” Mason gave Billy a fist pump.
“Oh, go get your stuff ready, I’ll make sure the food is packed up. What time are they getting here?” The front doorbell rang.
“I guess that answers that question.”
“All my stuff is ready to go and set out near the front door. Do you need help with the food?” Mason watched in awe as Sophia closed the last Tupperware container and put it into a shopping bag.
She handed it to Billy.
“Be good.”
“Always.” He looked between the two of them. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” They watched as he left through the front door.
“Three, two, one,” Sophia said. They waited, and the door crashed open. Mason laughed.
“I forgot my phone,” Billy said as he raced to his bedroom. Sophia and Mason walked out to the porch and waved at Jack, who was waiting in his SUV. Billy gave Sophia a quick hug and then jumped off the porch and was in the car before they could say goodbye again.
“I think this means we have the house to ourselves.” There was a smudge of flour on Sophia’s cheek. He loved when she’d been baking. Baking always made Sophia happy. “Let’s get you inside, it’s chilly.”
“It’s not chilly the weather’s perfect.”
“Okay, how about if I said we’re too exposed for what I have planned for you, young lady?”
“I would say God Bless Jack and Beth.”
“I would agree.” He put his arm around her and guided her towards the kitchen. He perused the stove and oven and made sure everything was turned off before moving them down the hall.
“You mean we’re not going to make out in the kitchen?” Sophia pouted.
Mason stopped and made to turn around, causing her to laugh. “Never mind, I think we need the flat surface the bed offers. I still have cookies cooling on the island. Otherwise, I might take you up on it, handsome.”
“We’ve had some good times in that kitchen as I recall.” He watched as she blushed. Despite being alone in the house, Mason still closed their bedroom door. It would be just like the kid to forget his damn wetsuit or some such shit.
Then Sophia took off her T-shirt and every thought flew out of his head, save one.
“My God, you are beautiful.” She blushed again.
“Now you.”
“Huh?”
“You take off your shirt.” She walked up to him, and tugged at the hem of his black shirt, and he pulled it over his head. She kissed him in the middle of his chest, and he felt it down to his toes.
***
No matter what went on in her life, intimate time with Mason made everything else disappear. Her whole world tipped right side up and then narrowed so it was just the two of them encased in a bubble. She slid her arms around his lean waist loving the hard solid heat of his chest as it met her breasts.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he murmured into her hair. She giggled.
“Hey, you aren’t supposed to laugh at the man you’re going to marry in four days.”
“Mason, we just made love this morning. How could you have missed me already?” she asked reasonably.
He tilted her chin so blue eyes met green. “Didn’t you miss me today?” He grinned down at her knowing the answer.
“I guess it’s a good thing we’re getting married.” She stood on her tip toes and nipped the dimple in his chin. Then groaned as he cupped the back of her head and kissed her. God, the man knew how to kiss. Slow kisses. Soft kisses. Melt your toes kisses. The list went on. Then she was lying on the bed naked.
He nibbled her jaw, and she sighed.
“Wife.” He whispered. “That’s my dream—to be able to call you wife.” His hands played music down her body.
“My Mason.” She could barely get the words out she was so choked up. “You’re my Mason.”
She tried to push him over wanting so much to make love to him. He shook his head. “Some other time,” he promised. “Let me love you tonight.”
“You always do.”
“I need this, Sophia.” Again she looked into his sapphire blue eyes and saw his truth and nodded.
His left hand cupped and molded her breast, his thumb teasing her until she begged for his mouth. He claimed her. She arched upwards. He was so much more forceful tonight, and she reveled in it. Sophia grabbed his hand and tried to move it towards her thighs. He easily clasped her wrists and placed her hands above her head.
“Keep them there,” his voice was low and rumbly. She shivered and nodded. This was not the man she made love with that morning. He dipped his head and savored her other nipple like a long denied treat, at the same time parting her legs. He softly caressed her folds, and she could feel him smiling against her breast.
“Don’t tease,” she wailed.
He thrust two fingers inwards, and she moaned in satisfaction as he twisted and found just the right spot.
Sophia wanted to beg him not to stop, but words were beyond her. He must have read her mind because h
e continued, and then he brushed his thumb over her bursting clit, and she found a voice that only knew his name. “Mason,” she cried over and over.
***
Sophia woke with a start. Dammit, it was the same dream. She wished she could remember it. Then she looked over at Mason and smiled. She stretched and winced. Then she smiled again. God, the man was a fantastic lover. If she were smart, she would marry him. She laughed to herself at her little joke. Then she got up, picked his shirt off the floor, and pulled it on as she walked to the kitchen to get some milk and cookies. She was hungry for what seemed like the first time in days.
She thought about her dream again. It was filled with regret, loss, and guilt. Maybe Frannie was right. Maybe she still hadn’t dealt with the loss of her mom. The cookie suddenly tasted like sawdust as a wave of guilt hit her. It was the overwhelming sense she always woke with after her dreams, and she knew why. She set down the food and went out into the living room so she could look at the picture of Billy and their mom that Billy had set on the mantle.
That was when she saw the photo album her mom had made for her. She carefully picked it up and opened it. Her album must have been made first because it was much neater. Her mom had started with her birth certificate. Then there was a picture of her at her first communion. It wasn’t until her middle school photos that things started to get crooked. As she got to the last page, she found the letter.
“Ah Mom, why didn’t I know you had written me a letter?” Sophia felt like a piece of garbage that in those many months together in the tiny trailer, she hadn’t realized all of the time and effort her mom had put into making these photo albums or the fact she had written these letters.
“I suck,” she said. She blew hair out of her eyes and tried to hold back the threatening tears. She bit her lip and opened the envelope, it was dated two weeks before her mother died. It was hardly legible, but Sophia could read it.
Sophia,
No woman could be prouder than I am. You are the best daughter in the world. I know you are going to try to deny this, but I need you to listen. Really listen. Long before I got sick I thought you were wonderful but now I know how truly exceptional you are. You are such a kind and loving girl. You don’t see yourself clearly, but I do, and all of us who have been gifted with your presence in our lives are truly blessed.
There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that you haven’t made me feel loved and cared for. Considering the fact you have had to care for me like I was a baby makes you a very special woman, Sophia. I love you more than words can say.
I know that even with my passing you are going to take on a monumental task of raising a young boy. I know Billy couldn’t have a better person to raise him. But remember to love and care for my daughter. She deserves all of the good things life has to offer. She deserves love and happiness because that is all she has ever brought to anyone else in this world.
Find a man who will love and cherish you. I wish I could be there to see you shine on your wedding day, and to hold my grandchildren. I know you will be an extraordinary mother. Know that every day I will be watching over you from Heaven.
I love you,
Mom
“Oh Mom, I hope you’re watching right now.” Sophia re-read the letter three times and then curled up on the floor.
“I love you too, but you can’t love me. You can’t mean those things.”
She knew how she had been at the end. Her mother had been a burden. Sophia had tried not to show it. She had tried to be good and loving and supportive. But sometimes it had all been just too overwhelming.
“I tried to be good. I tried, Mom, I tried.” So many tears, she saw one spatter on the letter and sobbed harder trying to wipe it off. Not wanting anything to damage it. She put it back in the album.
She remembered that twice her mother had been sleeping, but still in pain, and she’d leave her there because she just needed space. Sophia knew she had been the worst daughter in the world.
“Ah God, Mom.” She grabbed the second box still on the floor and yanked it open. She knew it had some of her mother’s things. Not photos. She started pulling the contents out until she finally found what she was looking for. Her mother’s jewelry box. She clawed at the tiny little clasp and finally got it open. All of the jewelry fell out in a jumble.
“Dammit! Look what I’ve done now.” She pawed through the pile, but couldn’t find what she was looking for. “I can’t find it, Mom. Your locket I can’t find it.” More tears came.
She held up the tangled mess and sobbed.
“Why can’t I do anything right? I’m sorry, Mom.”
Big, strong arms swept her up and carried her to the sofa.
“Go way. Need Kleenex.” Mason understood her slurred words. He kissed her forehead and was back before she even realized he had left. He had brought a glass of water for her too. He blotted her tears and then waited for her to blow her nose.
“Drink this.” When her hands trembled, he held the glass steady for her as she sipped the water which only made more tears leak. His was just the kind of love her mom had been talking about.
“Can you tell me?”
She shook her head. He set down the glass of water, pulled her in, tucking her head under his chin, and held her close. She breathed in the scent of him. It soothed her.
“This is helping,” she finally said.
“I’m glad.”
She spied the letter where it lay on the coffee table. She reached for it and handed it to him.
“Before you read it, I need you to know some things, okay? And I need you to really look at me and listen. And not listen through the lens of someone who loves me. Can you make that promise? On your honor?”
“On my honor.”
“In the end for the last two months of my mother’s life, it was brutal. There were so many times she didn’t recognize me. When she did, she was in so much pain the medication often didn’t manage it. There were a few times we could reminisce about when she was all there. But they were few and far between.” Sophia grabbed the glass and finished what was left of the water.
“Mostly it was bad. I hated seeing her like that. I was lucky to get two hours of sleep because she would talk and moan in her sleep. I would try to keep her spirits up, but sometimes I would just take off. That’s how I ended up seeing you at Moonlight Beach. I should have been there with her. I actually lost my temper twice when she threw her dinner across the room. She thought I was poisoning her food.”
“Oh Sophia, why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Let me finish.”
“I yelled at my mother. I actually yelled at her. She was sick in bed, obviously sick out of her mind, and I yelled at her. What kind of monster was I? I didn’t just do it once Mason, I did it twice. I swear to God, I don’t know which one of us was sicker.” Sophia took a breath, but it wouldn’t come. She tried taking another, but nothing. She looked up at Mason, and grabbed her chest, willing air into her lungs, but it was as if all the air had left the living room.
He sat them up and pushed her head between her knees.
“It’s okay baby, you’re having a panic attack.” He stroked his hand down her spine, up and down. Up and down. She felt gentle kisses on the top of her head, as he whispered nonsense that made her smile. Finally, she felt air slip into her lungs.
He swung her around so she was once again nestled in his arms.
“Can I read the letter now?” She nodded. She watched his every expression. Watched as he rapidly blinked trying to stave off tears. Then he gave her that special Mason smile.
“Your mother was as special as you are. When did she write this, baby?”
“That’s what I don’t get. It was written two weeks before she died. It was after I was such a bitch.” He sifted his fingers through her hair so he could cup the back of her head. “Oh, Mason. All that time with her and I don’t know how she could have said such nice things. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I don’t know how
she could have when I was such a mess at the end.”
“She knew, baby, she knew. Just reading this letter tells me she knew. Is that what the dreams have been about?”
“I hadn’t been able to figure them out until now. She’s been on my mind so much. Margie and Frannie have been great, but I wanted my mom to see me in my wedding dress.” She grabbed the Kleenex box. “Fuck! When am I going to stop crying? It hurts so much. I want her back.” Mason didn’t say anything. He just held her.
***
Mason needed to snag a tissue for himself. How could someone as loving and caring as Sophia think she had ever done anything she needed to atone for? He tried to imagine those last months in a tiny trailer with her mother, caring for her twenty-four-seven and not breaking.
She was sleeping soundly, he moved her so he could pick up some of the mess. He didn’t want her to have to deal with it in the morning. He quietly and carefully placed all of the things back into the box, and finally picked up the jewelry, untangling it as he went. He made note of a bright silver locket he had seen Caroline wearing in each of the pictures around the house and set it aside. The rest he put back into the jewelry box.
He carried Sophia into their bedroom, happy with the way she snuggled up next to him. Tonight she would finally sleep without bad dreams. He hated the talk he was going to have to have with her in the morning. Not the one where he convinced her she had basically been sleep deprived and in a torturous environment, and, of course, she would have come unglued a couple of times, anyone would have.
He was also going to suggest she see the same counselor who had helped her after the attack she had suffered two years ago. But it was really her mother who had done the most healing thing possible by writing that letter. Caroline Anderson was one hell of a woman, and Mason was just sorry he had never had a chance to meet her. No, he wasn’t worried about having that conversation at all.
It was the conversation where he had to tell Sophia he had been stupid and assumed instead of asking. She was going to kick his ever-loving ass from here to Coronado and back. Then the guys were going to take up where she left off. God, he really didn’t want to have to admit to this, but two things were forcing him to come clean. One was Drake Avery. If he knew, eventually it would get back to Sophia. But the more important thing was he didn’t want to keep something so important from the woman he was going to marry. He wanted to let her know how screwed up his thinking had been, and that he had learned his lesson. At least, he was pretty damn sure he had learned his lesson. Fuck, he better have learned his lesson.
A SEAL's Vigilant Heart (Midnight Delta Book 8) Page 6
