by LeAnn Ashers
This journal is my journey with Liam: the moment I first saw him, when he saved me, and over the years. I want him to know how I feel, and my talking about my feelings will never be enough.
I walk back to the kitchen. Liam is leaning against the counter, and I hand him the journal. “This is for you.”
He studies the back of the journal and looks at me, confused. “This is our journey, in my eyes, from the moment I first saw you until the moment we were engaged.” He eyes me and then walks into the living room, taking the journal. I let out a deep breath. I’m nervous about seeing his reaction.
Liam
I open the journal not knowing what to expect. I never expected for her to have this journal, and it means a lot that she would go through the trouble of writing all of this down.
Entry Number One:
Today, I saw him for the first time. He is the new kid in school and he has to be the most beautiful man I ever saw. He smiled at me at lunch, and I thought my heart was going to stop in my chest right then and there. My friends were jealous that he even looked at me, but I don’t care. I want to marry him. I want him and he is the only boy that I ever thought about liking. The rest are too scared of my father and the club, but I have a feeling he would not care. He is a bad boy and maybe, all along, I have had a thing for them? But I think it’s just him.
I laugh out loud at her calling me a bad boy and loving it when I just smiled at her. I remember that moment, because I was so fucking infatuated with her.
Entry Number Two:
He has been staring at me all day. With every single move I make, I can feel his eyes on me. I love that he is staring at me because that means he isn’t staring at other girls.
I laugh out loud again because she is right. I could barely take my eyes off her, and I thought I came across as creepy—but, apparently, she liked that shit.
Entry Number Three:
I wish he would talk to me. I wish I had the guts to talk to him.
I so wanted to fucking talk to her. She was so innocent and sweet, I didn’t want to taint her with all of my shit. She skipped a few days.
Entry Number Four:
He saved me, he stopped the most horrible thing from happening to me, and I am not sure how I can go on. I am scared that someone could almost do something like this to me so easily—a janitor, no less.
I feel dirty and embarrassed, my stomach is in knots and I am so sick to my stomach. I can feel his hands on me and hear him telling me what is going to happen to me. I was going to be trafficked out. I know that my dad would have done everything in his power to save me, but the damage would have been done. Without Liam I would be gone and probably wishing I were dead.
Liam saved me, but I am not sure that he will ever talk to me again, because who would?
She just fucking broke my heart. It is shattered into a million pieces by knowing that the thought of my not wanting her crossed her mind. That shit is unacceptable. No matter what happened to her, it would never change the way I feel about her.
Entry Number Five:
I thought today was going to end up being a total disaster, my friends completely abandoned me and I was left alone all day at school.
Until lunchtime.
Liam sat down right beside me, and he opened my food and drinks like he has known me for a long time. Then we just hit it off, it ended up being the best day because he was there and, most of all, I felt safe.
I had been scared all day long. People stared, guys leered, and people laughed at me like it was my fault. He made it okay. Today he become a big part of me and he doesn’t know it.
Entry Number Six:
He sneaked in my window, my stomach was in knots and my heart felt like it was about to explode. My whole body was on edge, and I was aware of his every move, even though we just watched TV the whole night. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face even if I tried. He wanted to make sure I was okay and didn’t want me to be alone.
He wanted to make sure that I was okay.
I know, in this moment, that I could fall in love with him very easily.
There is an entry for every time we did something together or something monumental happened. It could be the littlest thing, like my holding her hand. It meant the fucking world to her, and that shit means everything to me. Because it meant everything to me too. I loved getting to share all of the little things with her. She was the reason I got through being overseas. She helped me heal from a lot of things. My shit childhood made me angry and hateful. But I could never be those things with her; she is Paisley. She changed me.
The entries go on and on: our first time holding hands, the first time we kissed, when we hugged for the first time, and when she rode on the back of my bike. Everything. The moment I left for basic and it was killing her on the inside. She wanted to support me in all of my fucking dreams, but she missed me so much that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe either, she is my fucking air. I breathe her, she is my whole fucking being.
Then the entries end the moment I got back, the moment I was home with her for fucking good.
I stand up, putting the notebook on the coffee table, and go to find her. She is lying on the bed with another journal, watching TV. She looks up at me with that fucking blinding smile. “Finished?”
What the fuck do I say to that? “Is that another one for me?”
She nods again with the same huge fucking smile. She is so fucking beautiful. I still know that I don’t deserve her, but nobody could love her like I do. She closes the book and sets it on the table. “You going to fuck me or what?” She grins.
Paisley
The moment he walks into the room, I can tell that he is looking at me in another light, and that is exactly what my intention was. I wanted him to see the core of my being. I wanted him to see all of me.
There will be more journals for him. I have one for the night of our wedding, and it starts with the moment he came home; that was the beginning of us. Then after we are married, I will start another one, and this will be given to him before we have our first child. I will give him another journal at every huge milestone in our life. I never want him to doubt how I feel.
Liam had such a hard childhood. He was never loved or shown affection, and this is my way of letting him look back, read my words and know that, from the very beginning, I was his. He was my first everything. He was the first guy that I ever held hands with. He was the first person I ever rode on the back of a bike with who wasn’t family. He was my first kiss and the first and only person I had sex with. He has all of me and I have all of him. Our first time together was something special because we have only been with each other, and neither of us has ever loved anyone else.
Call me sappy, but I don’t care. When you love someone, everything that happens is huge. I am not childish. Everything is just a huge deal because these little things led us here.
Now we fuck. We fuck hard and make love. We are dirty, and I love every single moment of it.
“Paisley?”
I look at Liam, coming out of my daydream.
“Yeah?” I ask him, smirking because he is now naked.
He smirks right back at me. “You better hang on.”
Oh boy.
17
Paisley
I wake up to the sound of a siren going off in the house, and I sit up in bed, holding my chest due to having been startled awake. Liam is already out of bed, slipping on clothes, and I do the same. I don’t know what is happening.
Liam walks across the bedroom to the TV and turns it on, switching to camera mode. My heart hits the floor at the sight of so many cartel members. Liam looks at me, and I hurry and slip on good shoes and a jacket because it’s cold out. Liam runs to the closet and begins taking out guns, and I run over to my phone and hit the panic button. Liam comes out of the closet with AKs, and he hands one to me with a bunch of clips. He carries the other AK with a couple of pistols.
I have a very bad feeling. W
e are in the middle of nowhere, and the MC is an hour away. We are fucked.
“Baby, we are going to have to run for the mountains,” he tells me and I nod. He grabs a backpack, and my guess is that it has supplies.
I look at the monitors, and the intruders are much closer. I know they are cartel because of the distinctive tattoo running up each man’s neck. I guess they are still gunning for the women of the club, but Liam and I have been exposed.
“Liam, they must have a tracker on us, or they’ve followed us,” I whisper.
He looks at me and freezes. He grabs my hand, leading me to a small hidden room, and we duck inside. As we crawl through, Liam is pushing the backpacks in front of him and I am carrying my gun.
A few minutes later we come out of the house and are next to the woods. At moments like these, I am so glad that the MC put a lot of work into making sure we have these escape hatches. The house is completely surrounded, and men are standing outside our bedroom window.
Liam grabs my hand and we duck into the woods, running. I hear someone yelling from the house and I know, in that instant, we left the surveillance on and they can see us running. Liam tightens his hand on mine, and we run faster. My lungs are already screaming at me because I am not the most athletic person. My heart is pounding with fear and exertion. My skin is on edge, and it’s so cold I can see my breath.
Liam is studying everything around him. I can tell his training has taken over. My hand is shaking in his, more from the cold than being scared. I am scared, but I don’t think it’s sunk in that there is a shit ton of people hunting us right now.
Liam stops suddenly, his finger on his lips, telling me to be quiet. I stand completely still, biting my bottom lip, my hand over my heart. All I hear is dead silence and I look at Liam. The moon is bright tonight, but I can barely make out his expression.
Then I hear the sound of a stick breaking, and Liam charges just as a man comes into view. I stare wide eyed as Liam tackles the man to the ground, hitting him hard in the face. “Look away, Baby.” I turn my head as I hear bones breaking.
When I turn back, the man is slumped over with his neck broken.
Liam walks back over to me and takes my hand, and we start running again. This goes on for what seems like forever; then he stops again. “You need to rest, Baby,” he whispers.
I nod even though I am not sure he can see it. My legs feel like Jell-O.
He props me against the tree, unzips one of the backpacks, and pulls out a blanket. He wraps it around my back and hands me a bottle of water. He doesn’t sit down. He is eyeing the woods around him, and I try to be as silent as possible. I open the bottle of water, and it hurts my hands because they are so cold. I take a sip and shut the bottle, and I pull the blanket tightly around me. Liam steps closer and sits down beside me, pulling me into his chest.
“Get warm, Baby, we have to move soon.”
I close my eyes and soak in his warmth.
This is just awful. It is a disaster and I don’t understand how they found us. This house is under a different name and is in no way associated with the club. We must have a leak, a leak who has been giving up our locations. I hit the panic button before we left. I hope the guys find us soon.
A branch snaps beside us, and Liam stands up. Then I hear someone running, and three guys pop into view. I stand up and ready my AK in a split second. Liam tackles two of them to the ground, and I shoot the other. Liam shoots the other two with his pistol.
“Liam, how about we do some fucking hunting?” I smile into the dark. I am tired of running, hiding, and watching my every move.
Let’s bring the fun to them.
Liam grins at me and drops the backpacks, and together we head straight back in the direction we just left. Liam holds my hand until we reach a group of men. We come out from behind the tree and, together, we get rid of the threat that has been tracking us. They have been after our family, and they have threatened, stalked, and tried to kill us. I am so sick and tired of these fuckers.
Liam
The only reason I ran at all was because I wanted to make sure Paisley was safe. The moment she wanted to fight back, I was fucking proud.
There can’t be many of these fuckers left between the Grim Sinners and us. We have been picking them off for a long time, and we must have killed around thirty tonight. I took out almost all of them myself, and she got the ones who tried to sneak up on us. This shit is part of life. Killing takes a bit of your soul, but it’s you or them—and I can say it won’t fucking be me.
Paisley has a bit of outlaw blood in her, and I can see she doesn’t like it but she accepts this shit just like I do. We do whatever it takes to protect ourselves and our family. My best guess is that this is the last of these fuckers—this is their last hurrah.
We step out of the woods. She is holding my hand, and we walk through the field toward the house. Paisley’s hand is like fucking ice. It’s fucking cold outside, and I wish these fuckers had chosen another night to try this shit —when it’s not thirty degrees outside.
We reach the house and someone steps out. I freeze in absolute fucking shock at the sight of the person standing in front of me. He raises his gun and pulls the trigger. I don’t fucking move because I never expected to see this person again.
Dad.
Paisley
The very same man who tried to kidnap me is standing right on the front porch staring at Liam in pure disgust. Then he looks at me and raises his gun, and Liam doesn’t move.
I raise my gun and shoot, not even bothering to aim. He pulls the trigger right after I shoot him, and he is hit on the forearm; it knocks the gun right out of his hand. He runs off the porch, and Liam just stares after the man, letting him get away. “Liam, what’s wrong?”
He looks at me, and he doesn’t look like the Liam I know. “That was my dad.”
FUCK. Liam takes his hand out of mine, twisting his fingers through his hair. “I am going to fucking kill him! It was him threatening you! Was he the man in the van?” he asks, his voice shaking with anger.
“Yeah,” I whisper.
Liam looks so pained at my answer, his eyes close and he swallows. “Baby, go in the house to the panic room. Lock the door tight. I am going to go find him.” Liam kisses my forehead and runs off in the direction his dad went.
I close my eyes at the pain I feel because Liam is hurting so badly. I hate that his father has shown up all of these years later, just to fuck with him and me. He wanted to hit Liam right where it hurt, and I guess that was me. I rub my face and walk up the steps to the house. I open my eyes, and I am face-to-face with Liam’s dad.
He smiles at me, looking way too much like Liam. My stomach churns.
“Night night.”
From the corner of my eye, I spot a gun. It hits me hard on the side of the head. Everything goes black, and I feel my body hit the ground and tumble down the steps.
Liam
Where the fuck did he go? It’s been thirty minutes. I’d better get back to Paisley.
I run back to the house. The first thing I see is her gun sitting on the front porch, the door wide open, and spots of blood on the steps. He took her and it’s all my fault. My knees give out, and I hit the ground hard. My hands go to my face, trying to fucking control my anger.
That’s when I hear the sound of bikes. I stand up and wait for my brothers. One by one they surround me. They turn off their bikes, and they all stare at me.
“There are thirty cartel members dead in those fucking woods.” I point in the direction where I left them. “Then I found the person who was threatening Paisley.”
I clench my jaw hard, trying not to fucking scream. I fucking hurt, I hurt so bad that she was taken from me and it was all my fault. “My fucking father, I went after him and he took her.” I shake my head, looking at the ground, trying to fucking control myself. My heart is in fucking danger, and that shit is eating me up on the inside.
“She has a tracker in her ring,” I tell Tech
y, who is already on his phone.
Her dad walks over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “Don’t fucking blame yourself, you can’t control everything, Liam. We will get her back, and we will make them suffer in the process.”
I grin for the first time. They will pay. Oh, will they fucking pay. We can’t fucking forget I was trained to kill some fuckers.
18
Paisley
I wake up tied to a chair. My hands are tied behind me, but my legs are free. I look around at the house and immediately know it’s abandoned. The windows are broken, the walls are graffitied, and the door is barely hanging from its hinges.
Men are talking in the next room. These fuckers are getting on my last nerve. Who the fuck do they think they are? They can’t just continue kidnapping me and expect to get away with it.
Liam is going to blame himself for this. I know that he will never fully forgive himself, because he left me alone at the house, but he thought he was protecting me. It’s not a situation we could have won. No matter what we did, the outcome wasn’t guaranteed. We would never have guessed that Liam’s father was planning all of this. I don’t understand why. After all of these years, why now?
The broken-down door opens, and Liam’s dad walks into the bedroom. He leans against the wall, staring down at me, and I hate that this fucker’s face resembles Liam’s. That makes me sick to my stomach. I hate this dumb fucker so much; I have never hated anyone like I do this person. I am looking into the eyes of the man who beat Liam and his sister. I am disgusted.
