by Lisa Lace
Something certainly was hard, and it was pressing against my butt. I snuggled back tighter against Ayrie and smiled to hear him suck in a breath. He did want me. His body didn’t lie, and neither did the kiss. And even though we couldn’t have sex, which was incredibly frustrating, it made me feel better that he found me attractive.
It made me feel special. If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine I was loved.
AYRIE
Last night, the combination of Elle’s closeness and unfamiliar surroundings made it so I could hardly sleep a wink. Every second I felt like something was keeping me awake. Either the brushing of our bodies was creating desire inside, or I was jumping up as a strange sound startled me. I was used to the complete silence of a starship and the symphony of sounds that accompanied a night on Vandwa was a distraction.
Elle didn’t know about my wings. If she knew, we could fly off the island at any time, but she was forbidden to learn about them. We were going to have to get rescued a different way.
This afternoon the plan was to climb to the highest point of the island. If we got up high enough, maybe we could see a ship or some sign of civilization. I carried everything to make a fire on my back wrapped up in a big leaf — a bunch of fire plant, starter rocks, some dry grass, and smaller green leaves to make smoke. There was a hill in the middle of the island. I didn’t know how these islands had formed, but all the ones I had seen on Vandwa had a mountain in the center.
“Do you want to stop for a rest, Elle?� She seemed to be breathing pretty hard, and I was worried about her health. She hadn’t recovered enough from her illness to be doing long hikes without taking a lot of breaks.
“I’m doing fine. I’m a little short of breath, but I’m out of shape. I never did any physical therapy or rehabilitation when I got better.�
I still felt concerned as I watched her walk ahead of me. She seemed fragile as if she was made of glass and would break if something hit her the wrong way. It made me nervous. I didn’t want her to shatter.
Wait a second. Why was that? What did it matter? If she left, I would be sad, but I would also be free. Wasn’t that what I truly wanted?
Elle gave up after twenty more minutes of walking. “Okay, now I need a break.� She flung herself down on the ground, picking a spot where we could see the entire island and the sea stretched out before us. “It’s beautiful here.� She lay back and closed her eyes, using her hands as a pillow under her head.
“It’s better than a spaceship, that’s for sure.� I stared at her face. She looked sweet, and I felt my chest tighten.
“I feel like we’ve plundered Earth.� She wrinkled her forehead in thought. “Do you know what I mean?� She opened her eyes and realized I was already looking in her direction.
I nodded. It had been terrible spending an extended period on Earth. It needed a lot of change if the humans wanted to keep it livable.
“Ayrie, I think it will be hard for me to go back after seeing this. And Auxem, too. I was reading about your planet. You have laws in place to protect the environment, right?�
I ignored her question, choosing to say what was on my heart. “I don’t want you to go back to Earth.�
She closed her eyes again, and her face looked like she was hurting. “You can’t have it both ways. You don’t want to have sex because of Bond Rejection Syndrome. I don’t want to get it either. But if we don’t bond, I can’t get pregnant, and I can’t stay. The invitation to relocate is only for fertile women.�
“There must be a way.� I stopped when she held up a hand.
“There isn’t unless you get me pregnant. We both know there’s zero chance of that happening.�
I paced the small clearing like a caged animal. I wouldn’t mind putting a baby in her. I wanted it so badly that I could taste it. But she was right — without love in the equation, it was a bad idea. I finally understood why I had been pushing her away for so long. If I got too close to her, I would make myself crazy with desire.
She stood up. “I don’t want to go back.� Her eyes filled with sorrow.
“Maybe we can figure out something.� I began walking up the trail again. “I bet there’s something we can do.�
“There’s the obvious thing.� She was still behind me.
“What is it?� I kept walking.
“You could fall in love with me.�
I froze before slowly turning around. Elle was looking at me with big eyes.
“What?�
“You heard me.�
“I don’t think I can do that.� My voice came in a whisper.
“You’re choosing not to. There’s a difference.�
I felt like her eyes were burning through me. “Are you sure, Elle?�
She nodded her head. “You have issues because of your Mom and the tragedy of Auxem. I understand. But don’t act like we couldn’t bond. You know we could.�
I stared at her, unwilling to believe what she was implying. “Why would you want that?� I said it so softly that I wasn’t sure she even heard me.
“If you don’t know, maybe you’re not as smart as you think you are.� She bumped her shoulder into my body as she moved past me up the hill.
Was she saying I should know why? The simplest explanation was she wanted me to love her back. But that couldn’t be true. Elle was unhappy with me. On the other hand, it was possible that she was dejected because she loved me and I didn’t love her.
I had told her the truth earlier. I couldn’t love her. Her words echoed in my mind as we climbed the hill in silence. Of course I was choosing not to love her. What was the alternative? Falling madly for her and ending up broken when something happened that took her away from me?
I couldn’t do it, even if I wanted to.
Chapter Seven
ELLE
I couldn’t believe I had said that to him. But he was acting like there was nothing we could do to keep me here.
By now, I was out of breath and barely noticed the breathtaking view or the salty ocean breeze blowing off the water and ruffling my hair. My biggest concern was making it to the top of the hill. It occurred to me I might be pushing myself too hard, but I didn’t want to look weak in front of Ayrie.
The idea that he didn’t expect me to go back to Earth made me feel sappy for a minute. But I quickly became irritated. If he wanted me to stay with him, all he had to do was treat me like his wife in more than name. He could claim me and make me pregnant. It was easier said than done. I understood that we shouldn’t bond if there were no love between us. But if I was honest with myself, I had a crush on him and could take it up a level. The real question was Ayrie…but I thought he might care for me more than he was willing to admit.
I shook my head. We were behaving like a couple of idiots. We could be as happy as Arnon and Jayne if we were willing to trust each other. That was the problem, though. We didn’t trust each other enough to let go and possibly fail. I wanted to, but all my experience told me it was a bad idea. I would end up broken hearted, or worse.
I followed Ayrie as he easily ascended the hill. To me, it felt like Mount Everest. I got sick on the trip to Auxem, and I had never felt like I fully recovered. I was never particularly athletic — I was tiny and didn’t have a lot of muscle mass.
Ayrie certainly had enough muscle for both of us. I remembered how the broad planes of his back felt under my hands last night.
I was getting tired of being sexually frustrated. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Ayrie to have never had sex with a woman. I wondered if he would g
et desperate enough to fuck me even we weren’t in love. If he changed his mind, I didn’t think I could resist him.
I didn’t want to resist him.
I shook my head. I was dreaming. Of course he wouldn’t make a mistake like that. The Auxem trained their men to have self-control, and Ayrie had managed his desires for years. He wasn’t going to lose his mind after a couple of days with me on a deserted island.
When we reached the top, I nearly collapsed. I felt my legs start to buckle underneath me. Thankfully, Ayrie wasn’t looking at me. It seemed like I had overexerted myself trying to keep up with him. Maybe he wouldn’t notice if I rested while he started a fire.
He had asked if I needed to take a break several times, but we had only stopped once. During the rest, the way the conversation went made me think that I didn’t need to catch my breath again. Once I sat, I didn’t feel like getting up. I was afraid I would lose my resolve to keep moving.
Ayrie had set down his bundle and was staring out at the ocean. It stretched as far as the eye could see in every direction.
“I love the water, Elle.�
“You sound sad when you say that.�
“I thought I would be doing something different at this point in my life. I wanted to get a degree in oceanography, not business and government. I couldn’t because we needed to look for women.� He flashed a smile at me, but it was tinged with a hint of regret. “My father insisted that I finish a couple more courses to complete the business degree, but he said we had more important things to do than studying the ocean.�
“So why didn’t you finish your degree and then meet up with your family?�
He turned and sat beside me, pulling his knees up to his chest and hooking his arms around them. “My family is close.�
“Yeah. I know.�
He shook his head. “I’m not sure about that. It doesn’t sound like your family was very loving. Our family is a rock. We all built our lives around each other. We can stand up to anything.�
“Maybe I don’t know.� I had never had anything like that.
“I’m not talking about my father right now. Only the five brothers. We’ve always stayed together.�
“Even before your mother died?� I didn’t know if it was safe to ask questions about his mom, but I couldn’t resist.
“We became closer after she passed away, but we were still pretty tight before then. Arnon tried to fill both our mother and father’s shoes, but a child wasn’t meant to fill the role of a parent. He never had time to be a kid. He was always taking care of the rest of us.�
“Aren’t you the next oldest? Were you fooling around all that time?�
“Pretty much.� Ayrie stared at his hands. “I’m not the fatherly type. I should have helped Arnon more, but I didn’t. I’m not proud of it.� He stretched his legs out and leaned back against the rock behind us. I took his hand, not knowing how to comfort him about something that had happened long ago. “Once I grew up a little and could help, Arnon had become so used to expecting nothing from me that he started doing everything himself. There are a lot of things in my life I’m not proud of.�
“You’re describing everyone.� I thought my own shortcomings.
“Elle, when my mother died, it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. It still bothers me.�
I held his big hand in my two small ones, wishing I could take his pain away. He turned his head to look at me, his distress-filled eyes meeting mine with honesty.
“I couldn’t bear to have it happen again. I don’t think I could survive it a second time.�
What did he mean? You could only lose your mother once. “Are you saying that if you fall in love with me and lose me, it would be hard for you?� I was perilously close to tears. “I understand.�
He nodded, his eyes unbearably sad. “I guess I should make the fire. The sun will set in about an hour. The smoke will clearly show against it if any ships are passing by.�
“Is there anything I can do?� I knew nothing about building a fire, but I wanted to help him.
“Nope.� He knelt in a rocky area, with his back to me, shutting me out. “It’s a job for one person.�
That was the story of our relationship.
AYRIE
I focused on making the fire so I wouldn’t break down in front of Elle. I knew I should be honest with her. I wanted her to understand me.
I wasn’t going to change.
For me, loving a woman always ended badly. How could love be a good thing?
Elle’s face was white, and she looked exhausted. I should have made her stay back at the shack. She could have rested and regained her strength. Instead of letting her recover, I had dragged her up a hill. Now she looked so tired that I thought she might keel over.
I had wanted her with me, but my desires were selfish. I knew it was wrong to spend more time with her if I could never love her back.
I couldn’t help it. It felt spectacular to be with her on this island. We were erasing all our months of misery. I didn’t know where we were going, though.
I felt torn apart. I wanted to be the husband Elle wanted and needed, but the old wounds wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t risk it. The potential loss outweighed the potential happiness by a lot.
“Ayrie? I think I need to lie down. I don’t feel so good.�
Without warning, she fainted. At the moment, I was trying to use some rocks to create a spark and start a fire. I dropped them and ran to Elle’s side.
“What’s wrong?� I shook her shoulders. Elle couldn’t be dead, could she? I hoped she had only fainted, and nothing more. I felt for a pulse on her wrist and listened for her heartbeat at the same time. She was still breathing and her heart was working. At least she was alive.
I thought she should go into the cabin. It wasn’t much, but it was out of the elements. There was no way we could stay here all night considering the wind and damp air. Elle couldn’t move, but I was strong enough to carry her. She was small and light.
On the other hand, it was going to be dark soon, and I had to bring her down a hill. It would be easier if I could fly. We could be back at the shack in twenty minutes.
Elle would have to stay unconscious. Father had forbidden anyone from Auxem to reveal our true nature. One planet had rejected us after they found out about our wings and the agony that came with them, so he decided it would be easier if we kept everything on a need-to-know basis. For now, the plan was to impregnate the human women without letting them know their children were going to develop wings.
It sounded like a bad idea for the future, but his plan had worked. The humans turned out to be eager to get rid of some of their excess population. Divesting themselves of some fertile women would help bring their population under control. The women wouldn’t know what would happen to their children until they were teenagers and their wings developed.
That was going to be a problem, but by then we would have a new generation of Auxem females, and it wouldn’t matter if the humans decided to return to Earth. As long as the trial went well, Earth would help us repopulate our planet.
I was getting more worried the longer I looked at Elle’s still form. I needed to get her down to the shack. The wind was starting to pick up, and I could see dark clouds on the horizon. Flying would be faster than walking.
I closed my eyes and pulled out my wings. The sensation overwhelmed me. I bent over, breathing deeply. It was supposed to help relieve the pain, but it had never worked for me.
I wasn’t sure how long I was in a haze of suffering, but eventuall
y, the torment faded and I was able to stand up. I stashed the bundle of fire-making supplies under some rocks. I could come here tomorrow and try again while Elle stayed in the cabin and rested. She wouldn’t be climbing hills anytime soon.
Elle felt light in my arms. I jumped up and started to pump my wings. I could feel the strain immediately — flying was a lot harder when I was carrying someone in my arms. I had given my brothers rides before their wings developed, but I had always carried them on my back.
I didn’t care how difficult it was to hold her. I tried to ignore the burning in my arms and focus on flying. The wind was stronger high above the ground. I had to work if I wanted to stay on course.
When we were halfway back to the shack, Elle opened her eyes.
“You’re just having a dream, Elle.�
She smiled. “It’s a nice one.� She closed her eyes again and snuggled into my bare chest.
I couldn’t help smiling. Elle was adorable.
A few minutes later, I landed lightly in a clearing and carried Elle into the building. We were up on the platform after a couple of wing strokes. I could finally put her down. Outside the shack, it looked like a big storm was coming in. We didn’t have much, but we were as secure as we could be.
I wished I could protect her, but I knew I couldn’t. I had learned early in my life that I couldn’t fend off death from the women I cared about. My body was the only thing I could offer her, so I used it to take care of her. I lay down beside Elle and curled myself around her, falling fast asleep, exhausted by my efforts.
Chapter Eight
ELLE
In my favorite dream, I flew.
I opened my eyes and realized Ayrie was wrapped around me, pulling me tightly against him. He had tangled his fingers into mine. It was dim in the little loft, but I could see a faint ray of sunlight hitting the floor downstairs. I thought it was early in the morning.
A hint of mustiness still permeated the shack even though we had aired it out yesterday. I sighed, not caring about the odor. Having Ayrie wrapped around me felt so good that I thought I might float away.
