by Tara Wyatt
She pulled her fingers away and lay completely still, her heart pounding, throbbing in time with her clit. It wasn’t the first time she’d thought of him while she touched herself. Not by a long shot. But it was the first time she’d felt that maybe she was allowed. That maybe she wasn’t doing something wrong.
Maybe. It was hope tinged with guilt, and it crawled over her sweaty skin, dulling the buzz from her orgasm.
She’d come, but it hadn’t eased the ache deep inside her, or the uncertainty that when she and Zack had sex, she’d be enough for him.
* * *
Although he’d hit the gym less than twelve hours ago, Zack was back at it the following morning. The fight was tomorrow night, and this morning would be his last workout before the fight, so that his body had time to recover.
Holding the medicine ball in front of him, he lowered his back to the floor. It was supposed to be a light workout, but God knew he had enough pent-up energy to keep going for hours.
He’d spent an hour reviewing tapes with Jenks, watching his opponent, memorizing the way he moved. Some guys didn’t watch footage before a fight, but Zack found value in studying his opponent and coming up with strategies. It made him feel more prepared. Given his dyslexia, it was the only kind of studying he actually liked.
After reviewing the footage, he’d spent an hour in the cage, sparring with Jenks, working on various holds and defense techniques. Now he was focused on conditioning. Sit-ups, push-ups, lunges, all interspersed with rapid-fire jump rope.
He pulled himself up to sitting again, and Alexa’s words from the night before echoed through his brain, making his blood beat hotter and faster through him.
It’s been you, Zack. Since the day I met you, for me…it’s only been you.
And now he was in it with her, no looking back. No more excuses.
He let the medicine ball drop between his bent legs with a heavy thud as the truth hit him. Excuses. He’d used them with Taylor, and with the women who’d come before her, never letting himself get in too deep with anyone, insisting that he didn’t have time for a relationship because of his commitment to fighting. He’d felt so sure that he didn’t have room in his life for fighting and a relationship, felt so sure he wasn’t looking for anything serious. Those excuses had felt so damn necessary, and not like excuses at all, but like the truth. But when it came to Alexa, he saw those reasons as the hollow excuses they were. He’d hidden behind those excuses because he’d never met a woman he was willing to make room for.
There were no excuses when it came to Alexa because the idea of not pursuing something with her…Yeah, it was impossible now that he knew how she felt about him. A year ago he hadn’t pursued anything with her for a couple of reasons, namely doubt and intimidation. He knew he owed her an explanation. A wave of guilt and shame rocked him, a tingle spreading uncomfortably through his chest as he thought about what had happened with Taylor. The way he’d leaned on those excuses, had even believed them. But subconsciously he’d known that she wasn’t the woman for him, as much as he might’ve cared about her.
It had only ever been Alexa, who was so sweet and warm and good. He knew that now, like he knew the sky was blue and fire was hot.
An elemental truth.
He reached behind him and peeled off his shirt, then wrung it out and watched as the sweat dripped from the soaked and bunched cotton onto the mat. With a sigh he pushed to his feet, his muscles trembling slightly. He grabbed his towel from a nearby bench and wiped at his face. Time to hit the shower and head back to Sean’s, check in on Alexa. Make sure she was safe.
A chill worked its way down his spine, the magnitude of what was at stake rocking him. Alexa. Them. Her safety. His job, potentially. He didn’t even want to think about what they’d be facing if her father, an incredibly dangerous man, found out what she’d done. Found out that Zack wasn’t who he’d said he was.
So much hidden. But not his true feelings for Alexa. Not anymore.
“You heading out?” asked Jamie, who was just finishing up his own workout.
“Yeah. I should get back to Alexa.” He flung his sweaty T-shirt over one shoulder, his towel over the other. Cool air brushed over his skin, evaporating some of the sweat.
“If I don’t see you before, good luck tomorrow.” Jamie said. “And don’t forget the Rocky Rule.”
“You know that rule’s bullshit,” he said, waving Jamie away. The rule, based on the famous quote from Rocky that “women weaken legs”—meaning a fighter shouldn’t have sex right before a fight—had been disproven in all kinds of scientific studies that Zack hadn’t read. But it still held major sway with a lot of fighters.
“Even if the science doesn’t prove it, it’s tradition.” Jamie wagged his finger at him. “You don’t mess with tradition.”
Zack smiled and shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. “Doesn’t matter. Not seeing anyone right now.”
The look on Jamie’s face shifted from joking to serious, his smile firming into a thin line. “I heard what happened last night.”
Zack frowned and swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. “What do you mean?”
Jamie stepped closer. “You and Alexa. Natalie and I, we heard everything.”
Oh fuck. The bugs. A weight pressed against Zack’s chest. “You were with Morales.”
Jamie nodded. “Sean sent me to check in with her, make sure everything was going okay with planting the listening devices. We were sitting at her desk when you…” Jamie tilted his head, letting his silence fill in the blanks.
Zack clenched his jaw, tension radiating through him. “Did you tell Sean?”
Jamie shook his head. “No.” And then a smile spread across his face, his eyes twinkling. Fucking twinkling. “I knew it!” he said, clenching his fist triumphantly.
Zack felt his eyebrows slam together. “What the fuck do you mean, you knew it? You don’t know shit.”
Jamie blinked at him. “Dude, I have eyes. And a brain. And observation skills. Ever since you and Taylor split…” He shook his head. “Man. The way you look at Alexa. Anyone could see it.”
“How do I look at her?”
Jamie laughed, and Zack couldn’t help but smile. “Like she’s this adorable little kitten that you want to hold and pet and protect from the world. Like you want to keep her all to yourself. Like you’d do just about anything to keep her safe and make her happy.”
Zack arched an eyebrow. “You can tell all of that from a facial expression? Bullshit.”
“Okay, so I’m putting my own interpretive spin on it, but…” His eyes met Zack’s, and the asshole smirked. “I’m not wrong.”
“You’re a jackass.”
“Oh, sure, but I’m also right.”
Zack scoffed out a laugh and twisted his mouth into a scowl, letting his eyes roam over the gym, not sure what to say.
“And Alexa? She looks at you like she could drown in you and die happy for it.”
“Okay, easy there, Shakespeare,” Zack said, grabbing at the opportunity to rib Jamie and get himself out of the hot seat. “Are you going to tell Sean?”
“If I do, he’ll turf you from the case.”
Zack closed his eyes for a second, his jaw clenched so tight it hurt. “I know.”
Jamie met Zack’s eyes, his expression serious. “Do you think this will negatively impact your ability to keep her safe?”
Zack shoved a hand through his sweaty hair and tugged at the back. “Fuck no. And…God, Jamie, I need to be there. I can’t get booted.”
Jamie nodded slowly. “I get it. That’s why I’m not going to say anything.”
“You’re not?”
“Nah. But if I think you’re slipping, I will. Stay focused, De Luca.”
Relief filtered through him. “I will.” He headed toward the showers, slapping Jamie on the shoulder as he passed.
“Don’t forget Mighty Mick’s advice. It’d be a distraction you don’t need right now, man. In a lot of ways.”
Chapter 16
Alexa sat in her bed, propped up against the headboard, staring down at her e-reader but completely unfocused. Although it was early, not even nine, she’d crawled into bed almost an hour ago. Sierra had gone out for a drink with Taylor, and although she’d invited her, Alexa hadn’t felt like joining, in part because she was avoiding Taylor. She had enough stuff to work through right now, and she could handle only so much at once.
She’d last seen Sean in the living room, a Dodgers game on the TV, his laptop open in front of him and a few folders spread over the couch, his bare feet propped on the coffee table. She hadn’t wanted to intrude when he was clearly busy working and had headed upstairs.
Not that Sean and Sierra made her feel as though she were intruding. Not at all. She just felt so damn out of place, as though she didn’t belong anywhere. Not even in her own life, so much of which had been a lie, apparently.
She’d thought that maybe today would feel different somehow. After planting the bugs. After Zack. But it had turned into a nothing day, like so many other nothing days. The sky hadn’t fallen, and it wasn’t until she’d crawled into bed that she realized she’d spent the day waiting for just that to happen.
She’d barely seen Zack, as he’d been busy training, getting ready for his fight, and she hadn’t left the house. Sierra had had meetings and been out most of the day, and Sean had been at the office. Ian had stayed in the house, keeping an eye on things, and, while she liked him, he wasn’t much of a talker. She’d had way too much time to think and wonder and worry, and by the time she’d eaten dinner, her brain had been exhausted. She’d tried shutting it off with a movie but hadn’t been able to focus. So she’d tried her book instead, but even the latest Nora Roberts—normally her favorite—couldn’t hold her attention. Her mind was too busy devouring itself with everything going on.
A knock sounded softly at her door.
“It’s open,” she called, dropping her e-reader into her lap. She’d expected to see Sierra, but Zack poked his head in.
“Hey. Just wanted to check in on you,” he said, stepping in and leaning against the wall, his arms crossed in front of him. She smiled, warmth infusing her at the sight of him. At the sound of his voice. Ever since she’d met him, she’d loved the sound of his voice. It wasn’t deep or rumbly but still pleasantly masculine. Gentle, and almost quiet, with a melodic quality. Confident and friendly and warm. There was no hint of the violence he was capable of in his voice. He didn’t sound like a guy who could choke someone out, who could make them bleed with his bare hands. But he was, quiet, friendly voice and all.
She shrugged. “I’m okay. I missed you today.”
“Missed you too, princess. Busy day.”
“Are you nervous? About your fight?”
He shook his head, his mouth easing up in a crooked smile. “Nah. I’m ready.”
She nodded, and when his eyes met hers, a heavy silence hung between them. Alone, in a bedroom, the air practically crackling. “Do you…want to come sit with me?” Still holding his gaze, she patted the spot beside her on the bed. A question. An invitation.
His eyebrows rose, but he didn’t say anything. He shut the door behind him but then returned to his spot against the wall, arms once again crossed over his chest. She traced the contours of all those battle-earned muscles with her eyes, the way the fabric of his dark-blue T-shirt clung to them. Dipping lower, she took in the black belt looped around his waist, his jeans, his sneakers. The hard, muscled length of him.
He cleared his throat softly. “I’m fighting tomorrow. We can’t have sex.” The word sex filled the space between them, the way a heartbeat fills a chest, taking up so much room and making its presence felt because it’s alive.
She licked her lips, her heart galloping away in her chest, and then she smiled. “That thing from Rocky’s true?”
A smile worked its way across his face, and he tipped his head. “Not really. It’s mostly just tradition and routine.”
“How long before a fight do you abstain?”
“At least a few days, sometimes longer. Long enough to bring some pent-up energy into the cage.”
Blood rushed to her cheeks at the thought of Zack’s pent-up energy, unleashed and focused on her. Something hot surged up through her chest, and then she laughed, pressing a hand to her mouth, a sudden giddiness bursting free.
Zack somehow managed to smile with his mouth and frown with his eyebrows at the same time. “What?”
She laughed harder, her eyes watering. “I’m sorry. I’m just having kind of a surreal moment. Like it’s totally normal for you and me to have this casual conversation about sex.” She flopped back against the headboard and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I don’t even recognize my life anymore.”
He chuckled softly and then toed off his shoes. “I’m coming over there, but no funny business.”
She laughed again, and God, it felt good to laugh. “You bring all that sexy over here, and I won’t be held responsible for my actions.”
He strode toward the bed. “So you think I’m sexy?” He sat down beside her, his back against the headboard, his legs stretched out in front of him. Slipping an arm over her shoulders, he pulled her in against him, tucking her head under his chin.
“Yes. So much that I don’t know what to do with it.” It was the truth, and it felt good.
He cursed softly and kissed the top of her head. Then he sighed. “Jamie knows.”
She frowned but couldn’t bring herself to raise her head. It felt too good to be nestled into him. “Knows?”
“He was with Morales while you were activating the listening devices. He heard us. I guess Morales did too.”
She sat up, worry and guilt slicing through her and disrupting the peace she’d found snuggled against him. “Shit. Are you in trouble?”
He shook his head. “He’s not going to say anything. I need to keep you safe, and he gets that.” He stroked a hand up and down her back, and she sighed, relaxing back into him.
How was it possible that just being held felt so incredibly good? So incredibly right?
“You’re risking a lot,” she said, tracing a hand up the center of his chest.
“Worth it.” He kissed her temple and slipped a hand under her chin, tipping her face up. “So fucking worth it.” His brown eyes shone down at her, full of a dark, glistening intensity.
She raised her hand from his chest and stroked his cheek, his thick stubble rasping against her palm. “I need to ask you something.” It was a question that had been bouncing around her brain all day.
“Anything.”
She settled back down against him. Before anything else could happen between them, she needed to understand. “A year ago…why did you choose Taylor and not me?”
His chest rose and fell, a soft, steady movement against her cheek. “Because I assumed there was no chance in hell a woman like you would even be interested in me. You’re practically Hollywood royalty, and you’re gorgeous and have this amazing personality. It was intimidating.” He paused, and she let it sink in. Zack had been intimidated by her. It felt…unbelievable, almost. He continued. “And you were so shy around me. I just thought…” He shrugged. “That I was right. That you weren’t into me.”
Alexa thought back to a year ago, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry. “I was shy around you because you’re so hot and sweet and funny and normal, and I was pretty sure I didn’t deserve all of that.” At the time, still living with her parents, she hadn’t felt wort
hy of a man like him. But things were different now. Her life might’ve been falling apart, but she felt more whole than she had in a long time.
“But you’re amazing. Why would you think that?” Such a simple question, with such a complicated answer.
She shook her head, her insides glowing with his compliment. “I guess I was intimidated too. And then it was so obvious that Taylor did like you…”
“So you let it go,” he said, finishing her thought. “If I’d known…” He let out a heavy sigh and held her closer.
“Don’t,” she said. “We can’t change the past.” God, did she ever know that.
“By the time Taylor and I broke up a few months later, you were dating someone else.”
She nodded. She’d briefly dated Jesse Miller, another actor. Her mother had set them up, and Alexa had played along, just as she always had. “And you’d become my friend’s ex.”
“If I’d known that anything between us was possible, I wouldn’t have let that stop me. I know it’s messy, but…” He trailed off, and she raised her head from his chest to look at him. He traced his thumb over her cheekbone. “I’ve wanted this since the day I met you. I’ve never stopped wanting it. Never stopped wanting you and caring about you.”
Zack acted as if it was so easy to care about her, when she’d spent her whole life being told the opposite. She didn’t have words for the swelling in her chest, so she kissed him, a light, brushing sweep of her lips against his, wanting to give some of that sweetness back to him.
The enormity of everything at stake weighed her down, and she snuggled back into him, resting her hand on his firm, warm chest, the other curled between them. It was wrong for him to be in her bed. Wrong for her to pursue something with her friend’s ex. Wrong for him to get involved with someone he was protecting.
And yet with his heart beating against her palm, it only felt right.
She pressed her lips against his throat, leaving a trail of soft, delicate kisses because she didn’t know how else to convey everything she was feeling. Gratitude. Happiness. Fear. Worry. Doubt. Lust. And something bigger, deeper, thrilling, and terrifying, shimmering around them. It was as though the kisses the night before had dissolved the wall between them, and while everything was so new, there was also something comfortingly familiar about being with Zack.
