Chapter Ten
Monday night, we all got on our festive clothes and headed to the parking lot. Andy sometimes came to FHE with me, but I doubted he would be there tonight. I climbed into one of the waiting cars excited for the activity. Melissa was bringing her flute. Holiday music was always a favorite of mine and I couldn’t wait to hear the performance.
I was a little embarrassed when Mark walked over to the car and requested that I ride with him instead. Ignoring the giggles, I crossed my fingers that he would have some news on the Andy front and climbed out of the car. We were just pulling out of the parking lot, when he turned to me. “What is going on with you and Andy? I know I’m being nosy, but I have to know. He has been walking around in a fog for days.”
He was being nosy, but after the initial frustration, I turned to him again as an ally. Maybe together we could figure this thing out. “He didn’t tell you?”
“No. First, you guys seemed happy and to hear Andy talk you were getting serious. Then out of the blue he isn’t himself and you guys are barely even talking.” He shook his head and I felt fresh guilt for causing Andy and apparently Mark pain. “Did you break up with him?”
“I don’t think so. He stopped talking to me before I could figure it out. It isn’t looking good though.” I said in my smallest voice feeling dejected, as I admitted the almost certain truth.
Mark’s tone became softer and he probed, “What happened?”
“I told him about my cancer.”
“Why should that matter?”
“There is more than I told you before; I can’t have kids.” I looked at him and he seemed to freeze in place but only for a second.
“And?”
“What do you mean ‘and?’ It’s a lot for him to deal with.” I defended.
“I’m sorry Megan. I just meant…” He shook his head in frustration. “So what are you going to do?”
“Give him some more time, I guess. But it’s driving me crazy! I’m not sure how much longer I can wait. I wish he would just get it over with.” I was starting to cry. “Can we change the subject, please?” Mark pulled the car over to the side of the road and drew me into a hug. After a moment, I wiggled free. I didn’t need to have a breakdown now. I needed to be cheerful for the caroling. I wiped my eyes and asked about Christmas at the Cole's.
Mark drove the rest of the way to the hospital talking about his Christmas plans. The snow fort had survived and he was hoping for a rematch. I had wiped my face and was smiling, thanks to the images Mark painted of his eventual take down of his younger brothers.
The hospital where Mark worked was a good sized place. We followed him in, huddling a bit together for warmth and also because it was unfamiliar. Mark, of course, walked in as if he owned the place and led us directly to the dining hall where we would be singing. A small crowd of residents were already sitting there waiting for us. Even more were coming in as we arrived. I looked over the group, noticing the ones in wheelchairs especially. Most seemed to have one foot rest up or even both and I pictured their stocking feet helping to propel them along. I looked them in the eyes and smiled. I was glad I had come despite my outburst of feeling. Maybe this was what I needed.
Mark took in the faces as well and a few of them lit up when they saw him. He left us standing around in our group and walked forward to talk to a few. Carefully, he moved someone’s foot out of the way so that he could lower the footrest of their chair. He readjusted blanket throws over a couple of people and even got a hug from a lady that looked a little like my grandma.
A couple braver members of our group followed Mark’s lead and began to shake hands with the residents and exchange hellos. I hesitated, too engrossed in watching the scene to move. Turning back to scan our group, Mark’s eyes fell on me. He motioned me forward with his hand and I walked to him.
Mark pulled me by the arm and led me out of the room. “There are a few residents missing. Come help me.”
“Okay,” I said following after him. I knew he was just trying to distract me, but I let him.
“Now Mr. Wallace is a little cranky, but he likes pretty girls, so I will let you get him.”
I gulped and remembered the experience I’d had when I was a Beehive. Being yelled at by an elderly lady at a nursing home is hard to forget. I wasn’t sure what I had done. The staff told me that she was just lonely and not to take it personally. Still, it had scared me.
Mark stopped at a doorway, “Mr. Wallace? This is Megan. She wants to take you to the dining hall for some music, okay.”
Mr. Wallace was a tall man dressed in brown pants and a button up green shirt. I was surprised to see that he was also wearing dress type shoes and a belt. He looked as if he could have walked in off the street. I wondered why he was in a care facility instead of his home. He turned from the window where he was standing and his sour expression changed as soon as he saw Mark. His fondness for Mark was obvious.
“What are you doing here boy? Wasn’t expecting you 'til tomorrow.”
“I’m here with some friends tonight,” Mark said as he walked forward and pulled out the wheelchair from the corner of the room. “This is my friend, Megan.”
Mr. Wallace’s eyes appraised me, “Pretty little thing.” He remarked.
I covered my mouth with my hand to hide a smirk when Mark added, “she’s feisty too. You behave okay.”
Mr. Wallace waved his hand in a calming motion at Mark and sat in the wheelchair. “He’s all yours,” he said turning back to me. “I’m going to go and pick up Mrs. Smith. I’ll meet you back in the dining hall. You can find your way, right?”
“No problem,” I said, stepping forward. “Hello, Mr. Wallace. Are you ready for some music?”
“Again? Blasted carolers! The place is packed with ‘em this time of year. Don’t none of them come back to visit when things are really boring around here.”
I winced at his candor. I could imagine how many groups did pass through these halls at Christmas time. “Well,” I said brightly, “We probably won’t be the last carolers this Christmas. Still, Christmas music is really beautiful.”
He huffed, “Wouldn’t even bother if it weren’t my Marky.”
It was hard not to laugh at the nickname. “Well maybe you’ll enjoy it.” I wheeled him into the dining hall. The room was pretty full now, but he pointed me to the place he wanted next to the piano.
Our performance was average, but it was fun to sing the familiar songs. Caught up in the moment, I felt happy doing some service. Not everyone felt the way Mr. Wallace did; it appeared that most of the crowd was enjoying themselves. Some were mouthing the words along with us as we sang. There was even one lady leading us with gusto like a choir director from her seat in the back.
The highlight of the evening was when our pianist, and Melissa performed “Silent Night.” There were several people in the audience with tears in their eyes and surprisingly, Mr. Wallace was one of them. During the song, Mark wandered over and crouched down, resting his hand on Mr. Wallace’s. It was touching; service was definitely good for the soul. I decided that I would make an effort to visit Mr. Wallace in January, ‘when life was boring around here.’
Tuesday night, I just couldn’t wait any more. Enough time had passed and well, I just needed to know what was happening. I walked over to D41, armed with cookies. Nathan answered the door, greeted me, and then went back to his game; wait no, he was reading.
“Cookies?” I offered. “You’re studying?” I said, as he loaded his hand up with three cookies from the plate.
“Yeah, final tomorrow, thanks,” he said, gesturing with the cookies in his hand and talking with his mouth full.
“Sure. Is Andy here?” He responded by getting up and walking the few feet to knock on the bedroom door. Mark stuck his head out and I heard him tell Andy that I was here.
“Cookies?” Mark walked out into the living room and I held the plate up for him. “Andy will be right out, he is changing.”
“How is Mr
. Wallace?”
He laughed, “Well he survived us. Asked about you today.”
“Really?” I was going to inquire more, but Andy came out and I was reminded of my purpose.
There was a tentative smile on his face. Nathan and Mark seemed to take some unspoken cue to retreat. Alone in the living room, I held up the plate of cookies and he shook his head politely.
I sat on the couch and patted the seat next to me. “Okay, what is up? It feels like you have been avoiding me. Did I do something?” I blurted out, hoping that it was something that could be smoothed over and easily fixed.
He sat down beside me and put his face in his hands. I waited several minutes wondering what I should say. Finally he spoke, “It’s not you. I’m just a jerk.”
“What are you talking about?” Maybe it wasn’t what I thought. How could he possibly feel like a jerk? He was one of the nicest people I knew.
He paused again, as if trying to order his words. “The other night when we were talking…” He didn’t have to tell me what night that was, it had been in my thoughts for days. “I… I thought I could get past it, you know?” He looked up at me for the first time, looking for some kind of answer that I didn’t know how to give. “I just can’t, I’ve tried... I like you so…” He trailed off shaking his head.
I followed the thought to the logical conclusion, “But it’s not enough.” I thought of that green eyed child I had pictured and knew that he should have that chance. “It’s okay,” I said bravely. “I understand.” And in that moment, I did.
I stood quickly and went to leave before I could cry. After that moment of understanding, I felt completely worthless. “Don’t worry about it, Andy.” I said patting his shoulder. I opened the door, trying hard to resist the urge to run.
He called after me to wait, but I had to leave before I said something I would regret. I wiped tears from my cheeks and headed for the farthest point I could get. It was dark so my options were limited. I set my sights on the snow pile at the end of the parking lot. I was hurt and I wanted to be alone but there was something else building too – anger.
I kicked at the snow bank and fumed. “How could he treat me like that? Am I like some kind of leper just because I’m not perfect? He’s right, he is a jerk!” A couple walked by and looked at me oddly from across the road. I stopped long enough for them to be out of earshot, then I started kicking again. It really didn’t make me feel any better, but I wasn’t ready to face my roommates or anyone else just yet.
I walked to the laundry room hoping that the Tuesday night before finals would not be a popular time for laundry. Luckily, there were a few loads going, but no one was there. At least it would be a warm place to pull myself together before I went home. I shook my head at that word ‘home’ because tonight it felt like home was miles away.
The next morning, most of the anger was gone, but the hurt remained. It wasn’t as if I couldn’t see his side of things. Whatever made me think I could have a normal life? Of course, no one would want me. At the moment, I didn’t want me much either. This stupid body had betrayed me. What had been the point of surviving in the first place? All those months of enduring for this? I knew now that no one would ever want me.
I just wanted to run away. My goal now was to get through finals and get home as soon as possible. My concentration was lacking as I tried to study. Hopefully, I could keep it together long enough to pass my classes, though I wasn’t sure it mattered anymore.
I longed to be home. If there had been any enthusiasm left in me, I could have counted the days until Christmas the way I did as a kid, with a colorful paper chain. Instead, I turned my alarm off each morning with a sigh and a reminder to myself that I was one day closer. The week was long, but at last, I was on the plane flying away from this ruin and toward home.
I had managed to avoid Andy all week except for one time. The exchange had been awkward. “Do you still need me to drive you to the airport?” he had asked, looking at his feet.
“No, I’ve made other arrangements, thanks.” Those other arrangements had me scrambling for a couple of days. I had finally called Christy, one of my visiting teachers, and asked for her help. I just couldn’t face anymore explanations. My roommates were already looking at me with pity, as the news spread. She had called me back in two hours with a ride. Someone she knew was flying out on that day. I just needed to go about four hours early. I was so grateful to her for the help.
“How are you?” Andy had asked, daring to look at my face.
I bit back an icy remark and forced a smile, “I’m fine, and you?”
“Surviving.” So he was feeling a little bad; good, he should be. I said a silent prayer willing the bitter feelings to go away. I wasn’t completely over the anger, I guess. Instant answers did not appear. I turned and walked off.
But now I was going home, for Christmas, my favorite holiday. Surely, Mom would have me helping with the baking, before the day was out. There was always the last minute shopping and decorating. With any luck, I could just absorb all that good family time to fortify me against the chill I was feeling now.
I was not disappointed. Sure enough, Mom had me deep in holiday activities two hours after I walked in the front door. As the hour grew late, all my siblings gathered around the TV for a movie. I was scrunched in between Matt and Drew. As I tried to make a long popcorn string, the big bowl in my lap was occasionally invaded by the twins. They seemed to be eating mostly out of habit because they would cringe at its bland taste as soon as it hit their mouth.
Kelly jumped around the room excited for the festivities, it was a little reminiscent of Jackie and I smiled. The twins grumbled a few times as she got in the way of what they were watching. It took a while, but I finally noticed that Mom and Dad were missing from this scene of family togetherness. I pushed the popcorn bowl at Drew and stood up, careful not to crush my popcorn chain
I found them in the dining room drinking a cup of cocoa and talking quietly to each other. I started to back out of the room, but they welcomed me in and Mom stood to get more cocoa. I sat across from Dad and he looked into my eyes and shook his head with a sigh that sounded like a laugh. “You’re getting old, kid. You look so tired.”
“It has been a long day,” a long couple of weeks actually.
“So let’s get the lowdown,” Dad had placed his elbows on the table and was leaning forward. He meant business; this would be my PPI for this trip. “How are classes going? What grades are you expecting this semester?”
My grades weren’t going to be as stellar as I had hoped. I was pretty sure that I had bombed one of my finals because I was out of it. “Not too bad, I guess. I really liked my recreation classes and my D&C class was interesting. I think my finance class is going to be at least a B which I’m happy with. Plus, my checkbook has never been so organized.”
“Good, honey,” Mom said, handing me my cocoa. “What about guys? You talked so much about Andy we half expected you to bring him home for Christmas.” I winced. I hadn’t thought this through. Alone time with my parents was a bad idea.
“Mom, it isn’t like that. We decided to see other people, it just wasn’t working out.” This was all the detail I could supply. I was suddenly feeling as tired as Dad said I looked. Eventually the whole story would come out, just not tonight.
“How’s work?” Dad took back the questioning, giving Mom a sideways glance to make sure she was done. I was grateful that he wasn’t inclined to pry any deeper on the Andy front.
“Work’s good. I like the simple ‘get in and get it done’ work. It’s not as exciting as teaching swim lessons, but I’m happy with it.” Dad smiled at this. He had been on his college swim team and had taught us all very early. I grew up in the backyard pool and when I was old enough, giving swim lessons was the perfect summer job. Life guarding was a bit boring, but at least I was poolside.
“Are you getting to the temple?”
“I only went twice this semester, my ward arranged dates t
o go, so I went on their schedule.”
“Are you happy?” This question was unexpected. Usually, I got a lecture at this point encouraging me to ‘Lengthen my Stride’ and ‘Endure to the End’. How could I answer this question? It would hurt my parents to know that right now I was a scared little kid who just wanted to curl up in her bed and have Mom read her a bedtime story. They were expecting an almost adult and if I had ever been that, it had crumbled away before I could stop it.
“I’m really happy to be home,” I said cautiously. “I’ve been looking forward to Christmas with my family for a long time now.”
“Hmm.” Dad wasn’t completely oblivious to the fact that I hadn’t really answered his question, but he didn’t act as if he was going to press it.
Warmed by the cocoa and my parents’ love, I continued on with a blissful run down of everything I wanted to do while I was here. Distraction was good. “We have to go the see the lights at the temple. I really want to go caroling with the youth. Have they already done that? We are making Christmas cookies, right Mom? Do you think I can help with the Turkey this year? I need the practice. Do you have any wrapping left to do, I love helping with that?”
Mom made a calming gesture with her hand and reached for her to do list. “Christmas is only five days away, Megan, I am not sure we can get to everything. You missed the youth caroling on Wednesday. We saved the temple lights for tomorrow because we wanted you with us. George and Lindsey are meeting us there at 7:00. Christmas cookies are Monday and we are delivering them for Family Home Evening. Some of the Kelly’s presents still need wrapping. The twins’ presents are all wrapped because they peek. We are having the Missionaries over for dinner on Christmas Eve so we are doing the turkey then. Everything is on the calendar if you have any questions. That reminds me; Spencer’s parents invited you to their New Year’s Party. You should RSVP tomorrow if you are going to go.”
I made a mental note to decline the invitation; not being in much of a party mood. I owed Spencer a letter too, but not tonight. After finishing my cocoa, I washed the cup and went straight to bed. This way I could avoid further interrogation from Mom and Dad. It was about a half an hour later when I heard the sounds of everyone else turning in for the night. The bathroom door opening and closing several times as my siblings got ready for bed, was such a familiar sound and it made me feel safe.
Collecting Smiles Page 10
