Chapter Twelve
The next morning I awoke on time. At work, I completed everything early and looked for extra things to do. One of the full time staff had me inventory in the large room that held canned goods. The paperwork reminded me of the management class I was taking this semester. It got me thinking about my career.
The longer I was in the recreation program, the more I knew that I wanted to have my own summer camp. I loved being out in nature and I’d always wanted to give others that experience. A life of service in this way might allow me to still see others smile without having to get too close.
The future had always been something to plan for, but not to dwell on. I had always lived in the moment. Now more than ever, I needed a dream; something to focus on and work towards. I would make this camp my focus.
My goal needed a plan. I set to work making one. First, I would get more information and for that I needed input. I decided to play roving reporter.
“What was your favorite part of summer camp?” I asked everyone: people waiting to enter a classroom, the person behind the counter in the store, and even random people I stopped between classes. It was odd, at first I thought talking with people again would be difficult and truly, the first time it was. Some of the awkwardness eased when I realized that no one was looking at me with pity. Strangers were easier to talk to than friends.
When Dad called, I was able to reassure him that things were going better. “Really Dad, I am excited about this summer camp idea. If I can get it all researched and planned right, I could really pull it off.”
“Great, Megan. You would be really good at that. We would get free rates right?” he said with an obvious smile in his voice. That was nice. Usually in these talks he just sounded serious and worried. My smile totals were still abysmally low. At least this week, I would have one.
The serious tone came back. “How are your prayers going?”
“Okay,” I said weakly, not really wanting to discuss it. I had gotten out of the habit.
“Here is my fatherly council to you then… pray harder.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said, trying now to figure out how to get him off the phone. “I’ve got to go. I love you.”
He didn’t return the goodbye, but instead said, “It really works, Megan. You just have to keep at it.”
“Bye.”
He gave me a reluctant goodbye and I hung up.
Shaking off the phone call, I returned my attentions to my business plans. The responses were varied when I talked to people. Some answers were categorically unhelpful. Others had never been to summer camp or even scout or girls camp. Every once in a while, though, I got an answer that I could use.
Water activities seemed to be especially popular ranging from swimming and canoeing to white water. Campfire times also seemed to be remembered fondly. Those had always been my favorite, too. I kept track of the answers knowing that my camp would have to start out kind of small and I needed to prioritize.
At first, location seemed to be an easy thing to plan, but it turned out to be was much more involved than I had anticipated. There were zoning laws, building restrictions, utility accessibility, and taxes. At least, while I was still in school, I had the resource of knowledgeable professors to help. If I had tried to do this without all the research and preparation, I would have given up in frustration one week into it. So I kept plugging in the numbers and the results of my surveys. I had spread sheets on my computer for financing, survey results and even a timeline. They were constantly being updated. Without a social life, I found there was all kinds of time for planning.
The next item on my survey list was accommodations. I asked people if they preferred cabins or tents. Then, I wanted to know what kind of bathroom facilities they felt worked best. Of course, flush toilet won hands down, but I was surprised to learn that most surveyed didn’t want mirrors, just a small sink. For most people, showers were optional if there was swimming. The cabins and tents debate was pretty evenly split. It wasn’t unusual for a camp to have both maybe that was a solution.
Camp food can be handled in a couple of ways, too. Most people seemed to like the experience of cooking on a campfire themselves, but many complained about lack of variety. I typically sampled 200 people for each question. Then I would plug my numbers in and watch my records grow.
It was funny how some people once they got talking about their camp experiences, they couldn’t stop. I understood that enthusiasm. My enthusiasm was growing as well just from listening to their experiences and remembering my own. My smile totals were also growing again. People seemed to light up as they remembered.
“I went to this camp one year that had a cable strung between two trees and you slid down the cable on a zip line. I stood in line over and over all day just to ride it.” One person confided.
“I went on this hike once where I had to cross a fallen log bridge in the rain. I was so sure I was going to slip off.” Another had said.
“We always TP’d the neighboring camp on our last night.” I laughed at this one, remembering a girl’s camp experience of my own.
“I liked to go out and sit on a rock all by myself and just listen to the sounds of the woods.” This, too, I could empathize with, nature was one of my favorite chapels.
“The best place to see the stars was from the middle of the lake so we would go out on these barges and stargaze.” This memory, of a girl from California, had made me want to be there too. I could just picture it in my mind.
Life was better, but I still hadn’t faced D41 yet. The pain was there, it was just muted; taken over by distractions. I was still avoiding Jackie, too. She was the most persistent of my roommates. The others had given up a couple of weeks ago when their repeated attempts to befriend me had been in vain.
I knew I wasn’t fixed yet. I was still angry with Heavenly Father for my broken body and for the loneliness, it produced. My surveys had proven to me that I was naïve to think I could avoid people. It was clear that I was going to have to open up my heart again to clean out some of this mess. But this idea was frightening. How could I be sure I could go on again if it didn’t work?
Christy’s words had slowly been working in the back of my mind for a couple of weeks, since my visit with Mr. Wallace. The question on my mind was “How do I listen to the right messenger?” I fell back on all those lessons I’d had over the years. I began with my scriptures and then slowly added in my prayers.
At first, it was hard. I didn’t want to be comforted. Life wasn’t fair and I should get to feel as sad about it as I wanted. Faking being happy for everyone else wasn’t really fooling anyone so why bother. Then, I realized that I didn’t really like myself anymore. I wanted to be better and feel happy again.
That very week, while I was sitting in the living room writing Spencer for the first time since Christmas, the apartment phone rang. I was very surprised that it was Nathan. If he had called my cell, I wouldn’t have answered. But I always answered the apartment phone in case if was for one of my roommates.
“Hey, Megan, glad I got a hold of you,” he said all excited.
“What’s up Nathan?” It really was good to hear his voice.
“I got my mission call today!”
“Wow, where are you going?”
“I’ll tell you when you come for the party tonight, 6 o’clock, okay?”
Yikes, I wasn’t quite ready to sit casually at a party, especially not there. Things were still weird. “Gee…” before I could go on, Nathan broken in.
Sensing my hesitation, he continued, “Andy won’t be here, he has to work. You have to come. We miss you.”
“Okay, Nathan, I’ll be there.” The response that used to be automatic had taken some effort this time, but I was going to face this. It made me smile to think that they might miss me; maybe I wasn’t that unlovable. Plus, I really wanted to know where Nathan was going.
I walked down to the bookstore and bought some chips to take to the party. I didn’t w
ant to go empty handed. I made it back home with plenty of time to spare. It was only 5:00 and I sat fidgeting. It was tempting to go early just because having made the decision to try, I hated waiting in limbo. Andy would have left for work by now; did they need help getting ready?
It had been a long time since I had just hung out with them. I was surprised when I realized that I really missed them and not just them, but Jackie, Kristen and Melissa too. I wanted my friends back. If only I could be a friend worth having again.
It was hard, but I waited until 6 o’clock like instructed and then knocked on the door. Nathan answered it, beaming from ear to ear. I waited to see if his smile would fade when he saw it was me, but it didn’t. He welcomed me inside. The room was still pretty empty, but Emily and John were sitting together on the couch. It was then that I saw the large banner on the wall above them. The curly cue letters and the bright rainbow colors, had me convinced that Emily had made the sign. “Korea?” I asked.
“Yeah, can you believe it?”
“Well, congratulations! When do you report?”
“First week in May.”
“I’m so happy for you, Nathan.” He reached for a hug and I awkwardly complied.
I moved on to say hi to John and Emily when someone else knocked. “How are you guys doing?” I asked sitting next to Emily.
“We’re a little freaked out, actually. We have to move the wedding date up if Nathan is going to get to attend. So many things to do…” she trailed off distracted.
“Oh, wow! Congratulations I didn’t know you guys were engaged.”
“Thanks,” John said, smiling and looking rather pleased with himself.
More people sat and began to talk. Things were in full party mode and I was feeling a little overwhelmed. A party was not the best place to reintroduce myself to social things.
Mark came out of his room just as I was thinking about leaving. He walked over to me. This was going to be hard. I braced myself for the sound of pity in his voice.
“Megan, it is so good to see you. Someone I know can’t stop talking about you.” His genuine smile was a welcome sight. That made two already this evening, maybe they really did miss me. However, his words worried me. I hoped he wasn’t talking about Andy.
He gestured toward the table where the food was laid out. I grabbed a handful of chips and a cookie. We stood in the kitchen because the living room was filling up with well-wishers.
“I’m afraid to ask?” I finally said, blowing out a huff of air.
“Mr. Wallace is smitten, I think. He said to tell you to come back and visit.”
“What? He practically kicked me out.” I was surprised, but pleased.
“I guess your charms are growing on him.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I laughed. I actually laughed. It felt strange.
“I need to make another visit then. Maybe I can do it next week.” I said, mentally checking my calendar. I needed to take something to entertain the man, too. I wondered if he liked games.
“Let me know, I’ll go with you,” Mark said, shoving a handful of chips into his mouth.
“So how are the Cole’s doing?” I was feeling more relaxed and it felt nice for a change.
“Everyone at home is great. Micah has even come off of the oxygen. I think Rebekah is a little mad at me, though.”
“Why, what did you do?” I asked, surprised.
“Well, after her last call to you, I told her not to call you anymore.”
“What! Why would you do that?” I was shocked, but at least she hadn’t called while I was really out of it. She was one friend I hadn’t managed to push away.
“I figured you wanted some space, I mean, you stopped coming here. And you’ve been so…. sad.” He looked at me, searching my face.
“I guess, I get it, but really it was unnecessary.”
“So are you feeling better?”
“I’m getting there.”
“So when do you want to go and see Mr. Wallace?”
“I’ll go see him sometime this week after school. You don’t need to take me.”
“Okay, and how about a ride to church tomorrow? It’s supposed to be raining.”
“Sure,” I said, excusing myself before I could make any more promises. I went back to the food table for a drink. It had been a long time since I had tried to be normal and I wasn’t sure how long I could keep it up. When my cup was empty, I tossed it in the trash can, said my goodbyes, and left early.
The next morning when Mark knocked on the door, Jackie and I followed him out to the parking lot. It was a little less squished with Jackie than it had been with Andy. The thought made me sad and I tried to shake off the discomfort.
“Mark, I have been meaning to ask you… What was your favorite part of summer camp?”
He looked at me puzzled. Jackie broke in, “Oh, she asks everyone that question. She is a bit obsessed with her business plan.”
“I never really went to a summer camp. Is scout camp okay?”
“Sure, any group camping experience works.”
“I guess, I liked the music the most. You know, all the campfire songs and the stories. Hiking was really fun, too. Do I have to have just one favorite?”
I smiled because there was a little gleam in Mark’s eye that I had seen a lot during my survey. “No, tell me all the stuff you liked. We have time.”
“There was this one trail at scout camp that led to a hot spring. We usually ran it, being kids, you know. But one day I was walking there by myself because I had finished my cleaning assignment early. I rounded a corner and I saw an eagle perched just off the trail. I was quiet and kept my distance. He didn’t even fly away. It was amazing.”
“Cool,” I breathed. We rode in silence for a moment, enjoying the picture that his words had painted. Funny how little things like that can make you feel the Spirit. It had been while since I’d felt that good. To keep tears from coming, I went on.
“Okay, if you have your choice, which is better cabin or tent?”
“Is it winter or summer?”
“Summer.”
“Definitely tent. It feels more like you are camping when you are in a tent.”
“Have you ever been in one of those old army canvas tents? The smell just enhances that feeling for me.” My nose wrinkled in memory.
“One camp we went to had those. I didn’t like them because they were so dark in the daytime.”
Arriving at church, Mark stepped ahead and opened the building door for us. We felt a rush of warm air and hurried inside before we got soaked.
“Any more questions?”
“Two. What kind of bathroom facilities make camping the best? And do you prefer cafeteria type dining or cooking your own food in camp?” We headed for the stairs that would take us to the next level.
“Are you serious? Please tell me no one has chosen pit toilets over flush.” His vote was obvious.
“Well, it doesn’t hurt to ask,” I said. But he was right not one person in the survey had chosen pit toilets.
“I think I like cooking my own food, just not for breakfast. I don’t want to have to get up for that.” He smiled and winked as he spoke. I’d forgotten he was not a morning person. I counted his smile as the first for my week. Sometimes, I thought I should thank people for their smiles. This was one of those times because his smile made me feel happy.
“Thanks, you gave me some good thoughts.” We entered the room where we held Sacrament Meeting. Andy waved to Mark. He had saved him a seat. His eyebrows went up when he saw me and I quickly turned away. “Go, ahead. Jackie and I have each other to sit by and we had better save seats for the rest.”
Mark reluctantly left, probably feeling guilty that he was choosing one friend over another. But I knew it was no contest, best friends win every time. This was not supposed to work out like this. I should never have dated anyone from D41, or anyone at all, a small voice in my head said. Then, I would still have my friends and my comfortable, ignorant dreams. Q
uickly, I pushed the thoughts away, before they could take hold, and said a prayer for help.
The rest of our roommates made it just before the opening song. Sliding into the seats that Jackie and I had saved, Kristen and Melissa waved at me. Did they really still care after all I had done to push them away? It was amazing that I still had good friends in my roommates; a bonus I was not expecting.
Church was less uncomfortable this time. Everywhere I turned, I saw smiles. They weren’t necessarily for me, but somehow it still felt friendly. My world was starting to color again and it was happening so slowly that I felt like I was watching a movie.
That night Mom called. She gave me the usual rundown of what the twins were doing and how Kelly was keeping her busy. It was nice to hear some news from home, now that I felt human enough to care. She hesitated for a moment then said, “I have other news too. George and Lindsey are going to have a baby. Can you believe it?”
It felt like I had been hit in the stomach, but I put my brave face on. “Wow, I guess that makes you a grandma. Congratulations. Tell George and Lindsey I’m happy for them.”
“It makes you an aunt, so congratulations to you too.”
“Hey, yeah. I didn’t think of it that way. Well, I have things to get done before tomorrow. Love you.”
I hung the phone up, went to bed and cried myself to sleep again. Jackie had to be used to it by now, so I didn’t worry about disturbing her. Was it always going to be this hard?
I just got up the next morning, said my prayers and went on. It was all I could do, though with every step forward it seemed like I was being pushed back. There were so many emotions in my life that I didn’t want. It was all just too overwhelming to deal with.
The busy week served as a good distraction and I started to feel a bit better. There were a few days of nice weather which had everyone hoping for spring. I was even able to start riding my bike to campus.
Thursday after class, I headed down to see Mr. Wallace. I was not sure what kind of reception I would get, but I wanted to try. This time, I knew that Mark would be working so maybe he could help me out if things went badly.
Mr. Wallace was lying in bed when I knocked. I wondered if he was feeling unwell. I hoped my visiting was okay. When I entered, he almost smiled and I could feel my eyebrows rising in response.
“Hello, Mr. Wallace. Are you sick?”
“Of course I’m sick. Would any well person live here?” He asked waving his arm around to indicate the whole building.
“I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. Do you want me to go?”
“No, I’m bored.”
“Well, what would you like to do?”
“Fly. Can you help me with that?”
“Sorry, I’m fresh out of wings, but I brought the paper maybe I can read to you for a while.”
He sat up in his bed a bit more and nodded his head so that I would begin. I started to read the headline news. It was all about some political scandal. He stopped me before I reached the third sentence. The next article on an earthquake in South America received the same rejection. I turned the page and tried again. He looked at me in disgust over artificial heart valves, street construction notices and even the movie reviews. Finally, in desperation, I started reading the personals.
“Now we’re talking.” He slapped his hands together and rubbed them back and forth, as if he were a villain in a melodrama.
He listened attentively, but often broke in with comments. I tried not to laugh at his interpretations of the buzz phrases and words people used to describe themselves. When I had gone through the two columns, his pronounced that once again there wasn’t anyone good enough. This was more than I could take. I began to giggle and he glowered at me.
“I didn’t know you were looking for love, Mr. Wallace?”
“It’s not for me. I’m looking for Marky. The boy should settle down. He spends too much time here.”
“But that’s his job,” I objected mildly.
“Boy still needs a life. What’s up with you and him anyway?”
“We’re friends.” Mr. Wallace match making was just funny.
“Bah, friends. Time’s too short! You kids just don’t get that.” I was surprised to hear him say that. Surely, the time dragged for him shut up in this room. “I’m tired now, go home.”
I left the room with mixed emotions. My visit had lasted longer than the last time, but I still didn’t think he liked me much. Poor guy was too grumpy for his own good. I would just have to keep trying, but a genuine smile from Mr. Wallace seemed no where in my future.
I wondered what Mark would think of Mr. Wallace matchmaking for him. It could be funny to tell him but the conversation could turn on me fast. The last thing I wanted to discuss was my love life even if teasing Mark about his would be fun.
Collecting Smiles Page 12
