Chapter Seventeen
I spent all day Friday trying to shake the warm fuzzies from my head. It wasn’t because they weren’t pleasant, but because a distracted swim instructor is not a good thing. At least it was a free swim day for the kids, so I didn’t need to give any instructions. I made it through work without any disasters and I rode my bike back to the Coles.
I was free now to dream about my knight. At first, I thought that this all started yesterday or maybe even a week ago. But the more I thought of Mark, the more my heart warmed with memories and the more the feelings of peace returned. My suspicions also increased as I reviewed those memories. Had he been trying to tell me for a long time how he felt?
I was practically floating through the house at dinner, good thing that Mark was at work because I wasn’t brave enough to face the reality of my feelings just yet. This way I got to enjoy just the idea of being wanted and not only wanted but wanted by someone so amazing; someone I wanted, too.
Mark’s family was polite, but they all looked at me as if I was crazy when they saw what must have been a delirious look on my face and the way I was moving in a fog. It didn’t help that they had to repeat everything to me. I tried a little harder after dinner to be part of the conversation, but the Coles had stopped trying to talk to me.
Taking the trash out gave me a chance to be alone and compose myself before Mark made it home. While I was outside, I climbed a nearby apple tree and curled up in the limbs. In the quiet of that moment, it was nice to sit and considered my blessings. How had I gotten here? My life felt like a paint by numbers that I had thought was a jumbled mess until Heavenly Father put the last few colors in to reveal a beautiful picture. Surely, I hadn’t been moving towards this point since I was 16. But in this moment, everything fit together so perfectly and I wasn’t sure.
I prayed again with so much gratitude in my heart. For the first time in a long time, I knew that Heavenly Father was looking out for me and guiding me with his hand. Then remorse came for the dark thoughts that had driven my depression this winter. Dark was right, I had pushed the light right out of my life. I pleaded for the forgiving power of my Savior. As I did, I was completely filled up with light. I thanked Heavenly Father for the gift of forgiveness and sat in the tree appreciating the warmth of that light.
Mark’s truck pulled into the drive. I stayed where I was, like a coward, and let him go inside. He came out a few minutes later and stood on the porch looking around. Realizing that he was looking for me, I felt embarrassed. My cowardly state became more pronounced as I hid among the foliage. When he went back inside, I took a deep breath, climbed out of the tree and sneaked around to the back of the house. He saw me as he came to the sliding glass door heading out to look for me. “Hi, you’re home,” I said brightly, but feeling devious.
“Yeah, are you okay? I was looking for you. They said you’ve been gone for a while.”
“I’m fine,” I said and because I hated to lie, “I was in the apple tree enjoying some quiet time.”
“Oh, I didn’t see you.”
“I know,” I said lowering my eyes, “I was hiding.”
“Hiding? From me?” I watched his eyes turn sad.
Wanting to make it better, I explained, “Not exactly, I just wasn’t ready to talk to anyone yet. I’ve been working some things out.” He seemed to understand and his face relaxed. “Scriptures?” I asked, hoping that he would know that time with him was important.
“Scriptures,” he agreed. “Just let me get changed.”
The next day was Saturday and it was not the happiest day in the Cole house. The long week had left the younger kids cranky. Ruth had cried and carried on when Sister Cole had taken Anna shopping instead of her. Brother Cole had taken the boys out into the garage for some woodworking. Christian grumbled as they went.
Mark spent the morning trying to cheer Micah up, but he just whimpered and cried. Sitting next to them, I offered assistance where I could. Mark took Micah to his room for a few minutes to change him and make sure he wasn’t in physical discomfort. When they returned, I joined Mark in singing to Micah. Then I read him a story. He really liked the pictures in If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Ruth seemed to like that one too. She moved into the room from where she was hiding in the kitchen. I welcomed her over by holding out my arm and she snuggled in on my lap. Mark went into the kitchen to prepare a formula feeding for Micah while I read Ruth another story. Nervously, I watched Mark expose the feeding tube and wait for the formula to drain. It wasn’t as bad as I expected and Mark was so gentle whenever he cared for Micah.
The feeding hadn’t calmed Micah as we’d hoped, so we went back to singing. Mark showed me how to rub some of the tension out of Micah’s arms and I helped as we sang. After three or four songs, I looked up to see Christian in the sliding glass doorway. He was covered in sawdust and looking expectantly at Mark. “Ready,” he asked, hopefully.
“I’m sorry, Christian. I can’t right now,” he said, looking from Christian to Micah as if to indicate what was holding him up.
“What’s the matter Micah?” Christian said, coming in the door and heading for his little brother. “Having a bad day?” It moved me that even this self-absorbed teen could be so loving to his brother.
“You don’t have to postpone your game,” I said, feeling brave. “Ruth and I will keep Micah entertained. Won’t we, Micah?”
Mark studied me. “Are you sure?”
I gave him a gentle shove. “You promised,” I reminded him. He and Christian jumped up and were out the door in a flash. I could hear them starting to tease each other as they headed for the court.
Ruth produced a large pile of picture books and we began to read. Occasionally, I could hear the happy sounds of the brotherly competition on the court. After the fourth book, I looked over to find that Micah had fallen asleep. I moved Ruth from my lap and she ran off to play. I called out the back door, “Mark, Micah fell asleep, should we move him to his bed?”
“I’ve got it,” he waved. “We’re done here.” He tossed the ball at Christian and started toward the house.
“Next time you’re going down!” Christian taunted.
Before going to Micah, Mark walked straight to me, kissed me firmly, backed away, and smiled. His smiles made me feel dizzy and very happy. I needed to find some way to score them differently in my totals.
He pushed Micah’s chair through the kitchen towards the hall. I followed him, stopping in the kitchen briefly for a glass of water. All that reading had made me thirsty. Mark was backing out of the boys’ room and closing the door before I had even reached the hall. He walked up to me and grabbed my hand as we turned to go and enjoy the beautiful morning outside.
“You’re wonderful,” he whispered, kissing my cheek. I blushed under his touch and praise. “It makes me feel so happy to see the way you care about Micah; about all of my brothers and sisters.”
“Why wouldn't I?” Spying a basketball, I scooped it up and ran towards the court. I hollered over my shoulder, “How about a game?” His response was a swift sprint to the court after me.
“Okay, first person to ten wins,” I explained.
“What do they win?” he inquired, looking very interested.
“If I win I get another kiss and if you win I will tell you a secret.”
“Tough choice,” he complained.
“Then I guess you had better play your best and just see what happens.”
To say that we were evenly matched would be a gross overstatement, but I did manage to hold my own for the first few shots. I suspected that he was just being careful not to foul me, but I used the advantage willingly. He started to see that I was getting too far ahead and I didn’t touch the ball for a few baskets while he caught up. I decided to play a little ruthlessly hoping to keep the game even. “Fouls don’t count!” I called, as I traveled shamelessly. He caught on quickly grabbing me around the waist and turning me just as I got my shot off. Unfortunately, the ball didn’t go
in and the score stood at six all.
It was Mark’s turn with the ball and I made sure that the fouls kept coming. I yanked at his arms and pulled at the ball with enough force that I pulled it away. Another basket for me, and the score stood at eight to six. Mark was faster this time and charged the basket before I could get in the way; a simple lay-up and the score stood at eight all. It was my turn with the ball and I lost it quickly now that Mark knew how dirty I played. He was just going up for a basket when I got in front of him to block.
I suddenly saw a way that we could both win. Just as he raised his arms for a basket I jumped up, kissed his nose and smiling said, “I love you, Mark.” He dropped the ball and stared at me trying to decide if I was serious or not. Taking the advantage my timely secret had just given me, I scooped the ball up, turned and shot. “I win, where is my kiss?” I said, almost laughing.
Mark was tongue tied and stunned. Still staring, he searched my face for any kind of denial, but I trust he found none. “Really?” was all he could get out and even that sounded a bit too husky for him.
“Yes, I love you so much.” I got my kiss then.
“I feel like celebrating,” Mark said as he grabbed my waist and spun me around before pulling me into a bear hug. “Oh, I’m sorry. I promised my parents I would babysit tonight while they chaperone the stake dance. We will have to settle for a rented movie, I guess.”
“That’s okay. I don’t mind as long as we are together.” It was getting easier to see myself happy and together with Mark.
“Hey, Mark. Dad wants you.” It was Christian calling from the garage.
We walked hand in hand to the garage back door. I couldn’t help looking up at him and enjoying the bewildered smile on his face. We entered the woodworking shop. Having never been in there, I was surprised at how extensive it was; large power tools filled one half of the two car garage.
“Oh, good, Mark. I need you to do some gluing for me. Christian just finished the carving.” Brother Cole was dressed in some denim coveralls and his head was beaded with sweat. “Hi, Megan,” he added when he looked up and saw me.
“What are you guys making?” I looked around curiously at the piles of lumber and the various saws and power tools. I was definitely out of my depths in here. But the smell was incredible. I inhaled deeply; it reminded me of the woods.
“Hope chests,” Brother Cole answered, handing the pieces to Mark and showing him where they were to go on the plain wooded box standing on some newspaper.
“Do people still make those?” I asked, surprised.
“Dad does,” Mark said, smiling up at his father.
“You can never have too much hope,” Brother Cole said. Mark mouthed the words at the same time, as if this were a practiced ritual.
“Wow, those carvings are really amazing,” I said, noticing the intricate scroll work that Mark now held in his hands.
“Yeah, Christian has a knack. Mark tried his hand at carving but his results were… well let’s just say we found that he is definitely our best gluer.” Brother Cole smiled broadly and ducked as a shop rag flew from Marks vicinity towards his head.
“Thanks, Dad.”
“Who are the hope chests for?” The guys had been out in the workshop quite a bit in the last couple of weeks, and it looked like there were several in progress.
“This one is Rebekah’s,” Mark said as he carefully placed the gluey pieces in the chosen spots. “We are almost done with it.”
“We figured we may as well get started on Anna’s and Ruth’s while we’re at it,” Brother Cole added.
“The carvings on Anna’s are taking a really long time. Christian wants them to be just right.” It was the first time that I had noticed Caleb sitting on the ground in the corner sanding something.
“Oh, hi Caleb, I didn’t see you there.”
“Dad’s got me doing what he calls the grunt work today,” he said with shining eyes.
An idea had been brewing in my head for a few minutes, and I thought that Caleb might be just the person to help me with it. “Are you going to be busy for a while?” I asked Mark.
He sighed, “I think so. There are lots of little pieces here.”
“Good,” I smiled a little as his face fall. “I mean, I have a couple of errands to run. Brother Cole, can I borrow Caleb?”
“Sure, he’s worked hard. An afternoon with a lovely lady would be just right.” Brother Cole winked at me and Caleb jumped up dusting sawdust off.
I walked a couple of steps forward and I placed a kiss on Mark’s forehead. It earned me a sunny smile from him and a cocked eyebrow from Brother Cole. “You should open up the garage door,” I suggested. “That glue smells strong.”
Caleb and I exited the workshop. It was time to fill him in on my plan. When we reached the house, Caleb went downstairs to get a few things from Mark’s room. I went straight to Rebekah’s room to get my purse. Rebekah was in a crabby mood today because she was writing a paper she had put off until the last minute. I tried to get my things quickly and then give her some space. Sister Cole and Anna were not home yet from shopping so the house was quiet as I fumbled around looking for Mark’s keys. I found them under the heap of papers on the table. Yelling down to Caleb that I would meet him at the truck, I headed back to the garage. I overheard Mark and his dad talking as I neared the garage. “That’s great son, how do you want to handle it?”
There was a pause and then Mark’s voice sighed, “I guess I will break in the new tent.”
“Okay, I will help you set it up in a little while.” Brother Cole was grinning as I entered the garage, carrying my purse and Mark’s keys.
Mark’s head popped up from his gluing work. “Hi,” I said. “Mark could I borrow your truck for a little while?”
“Sure, do you want me to go with you?” There was so much hope in his voice. It felt nice.
“No, you finish up here. We won’t be long.” Then as an afterthought, I turned to Brother Cole. “Caleb’s coming too, okay?”
“Sure, like I said he’s earned it. Was Micah up yet?” He asked as he put away some of his tools.
“Not that I could tell. All was quiet.”
“Well, I had better head into the house, anyway. I have chores to do before Rachel gets home. You know how she can get when I spend too much time in the workshop,” he said to Mark. Dusting himself off, he walked out the now open large garage door.
I waved to Mark and followed through the door to where the truck was parked. Caleb was already there waiting for me. It took me a minute to review in my head where all the gears were and then we backed out for our errands. I reached the end of the driveway and was putting the car into first gear when I looked up and saw Mark in the garage doorway. I waved again and he returned it.
It didn’t take long for Caleb and me to find what we were looking for. With few store selections, we settled on a dollar store that turned out to have everything we needed. Caleb pushed the cart as I filled it up with chips, cookies and balloons; even finding some fun flashlights for the little girls to use on the camping trip. I grabbed a few personal items I was running low on; hair scrunchies were at the top of the list – I always managed to lose them somehow. For a moment, I pictured what would happen when I had gone home to Arizona in a couple of weeks. Surely, the Coles would be finding my hair accessories for months.
The thought of leaving made me sad. I would miss the Coles, but mostly I would miss Mark. What would happen to us when we were so far apart? Would it prove just an infatuation? Could I bear to avoid someone else at school out of awkwardness? Shaking the thoughts from my mind, I remembered that I was planning a celebration. A celebration of the way Mark and I felt about each other. I knew it was love.
Caleb looked at me appalled, as I wiped a tear quickly from my cheek. “Did I do something wrong? Oh, man, Mark is going to kill me!”
His honest and hastily spoken words made me laugh. “I’m fine,” I assured him. “Let’s go buy ourselves a candy bar for
all our hard work today.” Caleb seemed delighted by the offer and we spent several minutes on that isle picking from all the choices.
On the way home, Caleb told me all about school and his friend Jackson. This friend had just reached the highest level on some console game that I was unfamiliar with, but that Caleb described in detail. I reflected that, if I were home, the twins would probably have filled me in on the details by now too. He became more animated as he got more into his story. Apparently, I had been wrong about Caleb, assuming he was very reserved. He was just a little shy. Now that he knew me a little better, it was clear that getting him to stop talking would be the trick. It was easy to ask him questions as he filled the time driving back.
As we neared the house, I was anxious to see Mark again. I hadn’t completely shaken off my earlier sadness and I needed a hug. I pulled into the driveway next to the large passenger van. Sister Cole and Anna were back from shopping. “Let’s get inside, they probably need help unloading the groceries. We can meet secretly later to decorate.”
Feeling conspiratorial, we left our things in the truck and hurried in. The kitchen was definitely buzzing with bags being unpacked and various cupboards flying open randomly, or at least it seemed that way to me. Mark was not in the middle of this unloading party and that surprised me; he was usually so helpful.
In the few weeks I had been here, I hadn’t spent much time digging through the cupboards so I wasn’t likely to be much help. Sister Cole however found a task for me. “Oh, good, Megan. Could I ask you to take some things downstairs to the storeroom?”
“Sure,” I said with enthusiasm, happy to help.
She gestured toward the pile that was growing in the dining room near the stairs. Grabbing my first load of paper towels and a gallon of vegetable oil, I headed down into the basement. I paused at the bottom of the stairs to fumble for the light. Mark wasn’t down here either. He must still be working in the garage. Several trips later, I had most things in the right place. The storeroom was full of shelves, but everything was easy to see. I noticed a clipboard with an inventory list hanging on the wall near the door. Grabbing the pencil that hung off the clip, I filled in the new items. I had taken inventory before at work and this didn’t seem too difficult. I double checked the numbers on the items that I had altered just to make sure I had done it right. Then, I replaced the clipboard and went upstairs.
Things had settled down in the kitchen; most everything had been put away. Sister Cole had bread and peanut butter out on the counter. She was grabbing the jelly from the refrigerator. I washed my hands and fetched a couple of table knives. The mass production of sandwiches for our late lunch began and Sister Cole casually asked, “So, what is going on with you and Mark these days?”
Yikes, what do I say? Everything was so new. I gulped, “I’m not sure. I really like him, and I think he really likes me too.” I hoped Sister Cole would be okay with this new development.
Sister Cole’s mouth bent into a smile, “Yes, I would say that he likes you very much and has for quite a while.”
What? Did Mark talk to his parents about me? Of course he did. He tells his family everything. I couldn’t manage to say anything but “Oh.”
“He has been worried about you, you know?” she continued. “It is hard to watch someone you love in pain. Our whole family has been praying for you for months.”
“Thank you,” I said almost inaudibly. “I didn’t realize so many people cared about me.”
“We never do when we are hurting. That is part of Satan’s plan. He’s very good at making us feel alone.”
“I’m beginning to see that. The weird thing is that I thought it was all me, that they were my thoughts.”
“When we let discouragement win, Satan wins.”
“I’m very lucky to have your family and especially Mark in my life or I might still be in darkness.”
“Do you love him?”
She had used the word ‘love’ – I had been avoiding it thinking that she would think my feelings sudden and not real. But they weren’t sudden, I told myself. I had liked Mark from the beginning; I just hadn’t seen him that way, not until recently, and then it was impossible with my problems for it to work. But he wanted me anyway, and I was daring to hope. I felt overwhelmed but shook my head yes and asked, “Where is Mark?”
Sister Cole gazed toward the kitchen window that overlooked the backyard. I looked to and saw Mark and his Dad wrestling with a large tent. It seemed to be winning. Seeing my mouth open, part in humor, part in surprise, Sister Cole said, “I can finish up here, why don’t you go and see if you can give them a hand.” I nodded and made my exit.
Out on the patio, Micah sat facing the fumbling men. Walking up to him, I crouched beside his chair. “They look pretty silly, don’t they?” I was biting my lip to control my laugh as Mark poked his head out of a hole in the fabric, looking pleased to see me. In a louder voice I asked, “What are you doing?”
“Airing out the tent,” Mark replied then looked pointedly at his father. I remembered then that they had said something about the tent earlier.
“Can I help? Looks like you need some.” I let a giggle escape my lips. Brother Cole looked up from some folded instructions, seeming relieved by the offer.
Mark stubbornly pouted, “We’ve got it. I was a Boy Scout. I can put up a simple tent.”
I stepped over anyway and grabbed a pole. “Extra hands will just help it go faster,” I soothed. The tent was indeed not a simple one, but eventually it stood on its own. “It was a good idea to practice with this before the trip next week. It should be easier the next time.”
Brother Cole took Micah inside for lunch. Mark and I stood admiring our work. He held out his hand to me. I took it and then reached out for the hug I had been wanting. I couldn’t help it, I cried a little on his shoulder and he squeezed me tighter waiting for me to speak. “What’s wrong?” he asked after a long time.
I just shook my head. I didn’t want to tell him that I was afraid to leave, afraid that everything would go away and I would be all alone again. He pushed me out gently and then wiped my tears with his hands. “Like my new place?” he asked with a wry smile, trying to distract me.
The puzzled expression on my face launched him into an explanation, “Mom and Dad think that since we are together now, it would not be appropriate for us to stay in the same house. I have my choice of the tent or the Putnam’s down the street. The tent is closer.” He grinned at this last statement then added, “I guess I can see their point, you are a beautiful temptation.” He brushed the length of my nose with his finger, playfully.
Too horrified to take in the compliment, I blurted out, “I’m sorry. You should get to stay in your own house; you shouldn’t be exiled just because of me. I’ll take the tent.”
“Not just because of you; because of us,” he emphasized, interrupting my rant. He laughed, “Besides the boys are in the house now deciding who gets to sleep out here with me on which nights. If you took the tent they would be crushed.”
“I’m still sorry, it doesn’t seem fair,” I sighed, quietly distracted by how nice it had sounded when he said the word ‘us’.
He hugged me again. “Don’t you see – this is a good thing. This exile, as you put it, is just another reminder that I have you.” Kissing my forehead he added, “Do me a favor?”
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Smile,” he said, touching the corners of my mouth with his index finger. I obliged him. “Thank you, now how shall we spend the rest of the day?”
I shrugged, feeling content to be in his arms, but he let me go and grabbed my hand instead. He headed toward the basketball court so I prepared myself for a rematch as he scooped up the ball. “Do you mind another trip into town? I need to buy the family a new basketball.”
I looked at the ball for any visible signs of damage, but found none. “Why?”
Tucking the ball under his arm and steering me toward the house, he replied, “Because I am ke
eping this one. It has some good memories attached to it now.” Again, I felt warm with love and a bit worried by my growing need for that love.
Collecting Smiles Page 17
