by Neale, Kitty
Lorna made to follow her.
‘No, let her go,’ said Robert, who’d been listening to it all without commenting. ‘She’s got a lot to take in. We can’t do it for her. It’s bad enough for us to try to understand, heaven only knows how she feels. Thank God they found out now is all I can say.’
‘I thought John was such a nice man,’ groaned Maureen. ‘Well he was, he is. I encouraged them. This is unbelievable. If it was anyone else telling me this I’d wonder if they’d made it up but as it’s you there’s no doubt. That sodding Adrianna is having the last laugh from beyond the grave again.’
Lorna half-smiled. ‘Don’t. The more I think about that day, the more certain I am that she was telling the truth. She’d no reason to make it up and had every reason to keep it quiet. She’d just had one glass too many. She never referred to it again. But looking back it all makes sense. She never showed any signs of wanting Penny around.’
‘Must be strange, being a mother but wishing your child was elsewhere,’ Maureen said slowly.
‘I can’t begin to imagine what that feels like,’ said Lorna hotly. ‘I think it’s beyond understanding. I’ve never got over not being able to have children. I don’t feel like a freak any more’ – she glanced gratefully at Robert – ‘but knowing your body has let you down like that is hard to bear. I feel for Penny as if she was my own child. We both do. It’s hard to accept that she’s growing up now and having to face problems like this.’
Maureen sat back in her chair and exhaled slowly. ‘While it’s just us,’ she began, ‘there’s something else I want to talk to you about.’
Penny felt lethargic as they travelled back on the train. She didn’t have the energy to talk and wouldn’t have known what to say anyway. It was still sinking in: the man she had had such high hopes for was probably her brother. Her mother had lied to her all her life about who her father was. She was left with nothing.
Everyone had been very kind and had crept around her as if she was ill, but she’d barely noticed them. It was as if she was sensing the world from beyond a wall of glass. Lorna had made her favourite meals and Robert had talked about teaching her to drive after the summer, and half-joked about her making a career from her skills in the kitchen, but there seemed no point to any of it.
As they pulled into Victoria Station she made up her mind to act. As soon as they reached the flat she dropped her bag by her bedroom door and went straight to the phone.
Fingers trembling, she dialled the number on the scrap of paper.
‘John?’ she said, as her call was answered. ‘It’s Penny. I’ve been asking around and it’s awful. I think you were right. I think your father was my father.’ She waited while he had a chance to take that in and respond.
‘No, I know. I thought they were going to say I was talking rubbish but they didn’t. Look, you’d better come round and collect those pictures. I can’t keep them here, there’s no room. Whenever you like. All right, Monday after work.’
She put down the phone and looked up at Maureen, who was watching her with concern. ‘So, I’ll tell him what I know and then we can call it a day,’ she said quietly. ‘That’ll be that. I’ll never see him again. It’s for the best, isn’t it?’ Penny stared at Maureen as if there might be some last-minute way out of it.
‘Afraid so, love,’ said Maureen. ‘I’m afraid so.’
Chapter Forty-Two
Waiting until Monday evening was agony. Penny was dreading seeing John again, knowing that this must be their final meeting, and yet she longed for him to be there, she missed him so much. She dragged herself to work and went through the motions but hardly heard anything anyone said to her. Dave tried to get her interested in some new clients but didn’t get very far. She even found it hard to talk to Mark.
‘What’s up with you today, then?’ he demanded. ‘Cat got your tongue? You’ve just had a couple of days at the seaside, you lucky cow. You should be full of the joys of spring.’
She smiled at him but her heart wasn’t in it. ‘I’ll tell you about it later,’ she promised. ‘Just not now.’
Finally it was time to go back to the flat and face what was coming.
John arrived just after seven and she didn’t know how to greet him. Every fibre in her body wanted to hug him and draw him close but she didn’t dare. She waved him into the flat, keeping her distance, unsure what to say. There was nothing to say that would make things any better.
‘Do you want something to drink?’ Penny asked. At least if she was making tea she wouldn’t have to look at him.
He shook his head. ‘Better not,’ he said. ‘I think we should just get this over with, don’t you?’
Part of her wanted to agree and part of her wanted to make him stay as long as possible. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘You’re probably right.’
‘It’s not what I would have wanted,’ he said hastily. ‘You know that, don’t you?’
She couldn’t bear to look at him. ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘Me neither. I wish … I wish … it was anything but this. I’ll go and get those pictures.’ Penny almost ran out of the room as she was sure she was going to cry and couldn’t stand the idea of breaking down in front of John. She shut her bedroom door and took some deep breaths, struggling to control herself. Get a grip, she thought. You can’t just leave him out there. Like he said, get it over with.
Picking up the photos, she forced herself to go back into the living room. ‘Here you are,’ she said. ‘They’re really good. I hope you do well with them.’
‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘Glad you liked them.’
Oh God, she thought, is this it? What must we sound like? She couldn’t think of a way of saying what she really felt but luckily he must have thought the same.
‘Penny, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done,’ he said suddenly. ‘We can’t see each other again, it’s too much. I’d hoped for so much more. I’ve never met anyone like you. But we can’t go on, not now we know we’re related. And I can’t bear to see you. I want to comfort you but I can’t. So I’m going to go.’
She gave a big sob, she couldn’t help it.
‘You’ve got my number,’ he said. ‘The one thing is, if you ever decide you want to know more about our family, then ring me. It’s only right. You probably don’t feel much like it at the moment but the offer’s there if you ever want it.’
She nodded, trying not to give way completely. ‘Thanks,’ she managed to say.
‘I’ll go,’ he said hastily. He came across to her and pecked her very quickly on the cheek. Then he turned towards the stairs.
‘Bye,’ she said, frozen to the spot.
He was gone. All Penny’s hope, excitement and plans for future happiness went with him. She stared at the door, not wanting to believe it was true. Any minute now she’d wake up and they’d be back at the beginning of the evening when she’d cooked for him, when things had gone so well to start with. Only this time there’d be no mention of her mother, no recognition of her stupid name. They’d be able to love each other freely, just as they both wanted so desperately.
It was too much. She threw herself on the sofa and cried as if her heart would break, for all the things she thought she was going to do and to have and now were forever beyond her reach. Penny couldn’t imagine feeling that deep sense of connection with anyone else again and now it had been ripped from her. How was she to go on, knowing that everything that really mattered was over before it had had a chance to begin? She cried until she could cry no more and finally, totally exhausted, she fell asleep.
Somehow Penny got through the next few days. She had no idea what she did or who she talked to but mechanically went through the hours, speaking very little and avoiding Mark and Michelle. She did her work, she came home, she ate whatever was in the cupboard without tasting anything, then she went to sleep. Then she did the same thing over again the next day. And the next. All the while she felt as if she was one big gaping wound, the hurt so intense she thought she would die o
f it. It was strange, but most people didn’t even notice. If Dave saw something was different he didn’t show it, just deluged her with piles of paperwork, which in a strange way she was grateful for, as it meant she didn’t have time to think. She typed up notes and filed them away, sorted out his diary and typed some more. It filled the time and that was all that mattered.
Maureen mostly left her alone and for that Penny was thankful. She wasn’t interested in her pity as it wouldn’t solve anything. Nothing could ever put this right and yet somehow she had to learn to live with it. It felt like an impossible task.
Slowly the weeks dragged by, then a month, then another. Spring turned into summer and people were out on the streets, sitting in the pavement cafés and bars until late at night, taking more time at the market, making the most of the sunshine. Penny wasn’t one of them. She rarely went to the market now as she couldn’t face Jimmy; she had stopped shopping at the Italian deli as she couldn’t pretend to be friendly and interested in the food. She went to the supermarket now, bought as little as possible to get by, and cooked only if she had to. Maureen had gone back to takeaways and sometimes she joined her. Everything tasted the same so it barely mattered.
It wasn’t until they were well into July that something changed.
Penny had at least stopped avoiding Mark, which was just as well as it was hard when they both worked at the same place. They were sitting in their favourite café one lunchtime, watching the crowds flow by outside, when a familiar figure came into view.
‘Bloody hell!’ exclaimed Mark. ‘I don’t believe it. Look over there!’
Pushing her way through to the door of the café, long golden hair swinging, was Juliet: Juliet as she used to be, skin glowing, beautiful as ever, no sign of the haggard features of some months ago. She waved in delight.
‘Thought I might find you here!’ she called. ‘Room for another?’
Penny gasped in surprise. ‘Is it really you? Where have you been? What’s been going on?’
Mark reached across and hugged her. ‘You’re looking marvellous again, darling. We should hate you for that really. Come and sit down on this stool and tell us all about it.’
Juliet squeezed into the corner and waved at a waiter, miming for a coffee. ‘It’s so good to see you both,’ she smiled. ‘I don’t know where to begin, it’s been one hell of a year so far, but yes, thank you Mark, I do feel better now. I know you’re trying to tell me I looked like shit before.’
He shrugged but couldn’t deny it.
‘I’ve just been to see Maureen,’ Juliet went on. ‘She deserved an explanation. She was the only one who knew what had happened at home and even she didn’t learn the full picture. And she hasn’t breathed a word to you, has she? I’m so relieved. I couldn’t have managed if you’d all been looking at me knowing what was going on.’
‘Why, what on earth was going on?’ demanded Mark, passing the sugar. ‘All we knew was you were getting thinner and thinner and then you did your disappearing act. We thought you were ill. We were really worried.’
‘I’m sorry about that,’ said Juliet, slowly stirring her drink. ‘I didn’t mean to cause a fuss. I wasn’t exactly ill. Just sick with anxiety, really. It was to do with my family.’ She paused. ‘Look, I know you all think I’m a spoilt bitch with no problems in the world but that’s not quite true. I ran away from home because I couldn’t stand it any more. My father was a wife beater and I couldn’t take being there in the middle of it all, seeing my mother pretend nothing was wrong. I’d always wanted to go on the stage so I did this, partly because I knew it would annoy him the most. It did and he cut off my allowance. So I really did need the money.’
‘We kind of guessed,’ confessed Penny. ‘We saw your flat.’
‘Hardly a palace, was it?’ Juliet said grimly. ‘But it served a purpose. I could get by and keep in touch with my mother, and even visit occasionally after a while. But then when I went back over Christmas I could see something had changed, things had got worse. It turned out my father was very ill and they reckoned he hadn’t got long. You’d think that would make someone weaker, wouldn’t you? Well, it didn’t. He got far worse, quite manic for a lot of the time, and my mother was in fear of her life. I didn’t know what to do. Then one time I rang and she couldn’t speak properly. She couldn’t get her words out right, and at last she said he’d hit her round the head so hard she’d lost some teeth and her mouth was too swollen to talk. So I decided enough was enough. She was still trying to nurse him. She didn’t want anyone else in the house as they’d see what was going on. So I didn’t really have a choice. I went straight home.’ Juliet sighed and moved her spoon across the little table, making a small heap of sugar.
‘So what happened?’ Mark asked.
‘It was awful,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to describe it. I never want to see anything like it again. It was like a war zone. When he saw me, he went completely crazy and destroyed half the house, breaking things, throwing stuff, either at my mother or at me. I had to get the doctor in, who finally managed to sedate him. Then we got a rota of nurses to help. He didn’t dare turn on them. I kept my mother out of the way. This went on for months. Finally he died. And I can only say I’m glad. Isn’t that terrible?’
‘No,’ said Mark slowly. ‘Well, it must have been terrible for you. But you couldn’t have gone on like that. It sounds like, I don’t know, a siege or something.’
‘That’s pretty well what it felt like,’ Juliet admitted. ‘Like we were shut off from everything, just waiting for the end. But when it did come my mother was heartbroken. It didn’t matter how badly he’d treated her, she loved him. So I felt like a hypocrite. All a dreadful mess, really.’
‘And what are you doing now?’ Penny asked. ‘Are you coming back to join us?’
Juliet shook her head. ‘I don’t think so. I used to love it but I was getting fed up even before all this happened. No, I’m going to go to drama school.’ Suddenly her eyes lit up. ‘I’ve been thinking about it for ages. It wouldn’t have worked if I’d still been dancing and paying for that dosshouse but now I can look after Mum and we can get somewhere together up in town. We’re staying at Brown’s at the moment.’
‘Oooh, fancy,’ said Mark. ‘That’s Mayfair, isn’t it?’
‘It is,’ said Juliet, ‘and you needn’t look at me like that. Mum’s hidden away enough. Now she can come back and see her friends from the old days and to be frank that’s exactly the sort of place they’ll expect her to stay at. She’s having all her remaining teeth fixed and for the first time in ages feels like showing her face. So as far as I’m concerned she can do whatever she likes.’
‘Yes, yes, of course,’ said Penny. ‘We’re jealous, that’s all. I’m glad you’re doing that. But you will come to see us at the club, won’t you? There are some new faces but you’ll know most of them. They’ll all want to see you.’
‘I’d love to,’ said Juliet. ‘Not a word of this, all right? We’ll say I’ve been looking after my sick father, which is true enough in its way. They’ll understand that. And I’ve got to see Michelle. How’s she?’
Penny and Mark exchanged glances.
‘She’ll tell you herself,’ he said cryptically. ‘Things have changed a bit for her too, since you’ve been away.’
Michelle was slowly coming to terms with the idea that her dancing days were numbered. She’d been lucky so far. Thanks to Mark’s clever changes to her costumes she hadn’t really begun to show, but this couldn’t go on much longer. Dave would have kittens when he found out and would throw her out of the lineup. There was no way his punters would want to pay to see a pregnant dancer.
She sat in the dressing room, sipping a cup of tea and unwrapping a sandwich.
‘Better lay off too many of those,’ snapped Fifi as she wandered past. ‘You’ll be getting all lardy.’
‘Shut it, you’re just jealous of me curves,’ Michelle hit back, but her heart wasn’t in it. It was good that people assumed s
he’d been overeating but it wouldn’t last. Then she’d have to face them all. There would be plenty who’d say I told you so. She’d definitely made some enemies among the other dancers and now they’d be circling to take her down. Well, she’d made her decision and she’d live with it. She’d known it wouldn’t be easy and she’d just have to deal with it.
Michelle was shaken out of her thoughts by the noise of several people coming through the door and at first she couldn’t believe her eyes. ‘Juliet!’ she called. ‘Oh my God! You’re back!’ She ran across the room and hugged her friend hard.
Juliet hugged her back and then held her at arm’s length. ‘You’re looking well,’ she said. ‘Sorry to have disappeared like that. I’ll tell you all about it later but I’ve had to explain it twice already today and I’m sick of the whole bloody story. So tell me what you’ve been up to since we last met. Oh … maybe I can guess. Have I got this wrong or are you …’
‘Shhh,’ Michelle said, scanning the room. Mark and Penny had come in but Fifi had disappeared. ‘Yes, you got it. Well done. I’ve been hiding it from everyone apart from these two and Maureen, but you’ve gone and found out my little secret.’
Juliet raised her eyebrows. ‘Well, it’s probably easier to hide it from people who see you every day. I haven’t seen you for a long time and remember I’ve danced alongside you in the shows and in class for ages so I know your shape as well as my own. It’s … rounder.’
‘Thanks,’ groaned Michelle. ‘And it’s going to get a whole lot rounder than this. I won’t be able to shake it all about on stage when it gets to that point.’
‘What are you going to do?’ Juliet asked with concern.
‘Have it then give it up,’ said Michelle bluntly. ‘Then maybe come back here, if Dave hasn’t tried to kill me by then.’
‘God, that’s brave,’ exclaimed Juliet. ‘That’s going to be difficult, isn’t it? Do you think you’ll be okay to go through with it?’
Michelle was about to give one of her usual wisecracks but something stopped her. Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. ‘I have to,’ she said. ‘I know it’s for the best and I’m not ready to be a mum. But I’m terrified. Absolutely bloody terrified. I know it’s going to hurt like crazy and everyone’s going to have a go at me.’ She sniffed loudly. ‘God, am I glad to see you. I don’t care why you went away, you’ll have had your reasons and you can tell me all about it another day. But I’m so glad you’re back. I need you. You won’t call me names or blame me. I need you because you’re a real friend.’
