Gripping the steering wheel, I stomped the accelerator. I knew it was coming eventually. She would find out what I did and she would leave, but it didn’t stop me from trying.
"I’m not hiding anything! He was disrespecting you and I shut him up," I said, basically pleading for her to drop it.
"No! No, no, no, that's not how I remember it! You’re right, he did disrespect me and you told him to shut up. Then he almost slips your precious secret and you knock him out!"
"If that's how you wanna see it, whatever. Go ahead,” I said.
"I just need to know that you are telling me everything. I hate the feeling that I’m walking around blind, like everyone knows something that I don't," she said, watching me.
Frustrated, I ran my hand over my face. "Do you tell me every little fuckin’ thing, Taylor?"
"Yeah, I do! If it's important!"
"And if it's not important you just don't bother, right? Well then think of what Joel said as not important. Just like every other fucking word that comes out of that stupid fuck’s mouth," I said.
"You’re starting to sound like my dad! Always hiding something," she said. It was like a punch in the gut. The air from my lungs left as those words tumbled from her mouth. My knuckles were white from gripping the wheel.
She sat with her arms crossed, stealing glances in my direction. She doesn’t apologize so I turned the radio up and disregarded the conversation.
"This is bullshit, Hayze," she said, glaring at me.
"Such a strong word from the preacher’s daughter.”
"Just take me back to my dorm,” she said, throwing her hands up. She was starting to act like a toddler around me.
"Nope"
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You’re acting insane right now and I would like nothing more than to take you home, but you are drunk and I love you. So you’re staying with me."
I just said that out loud.
I pulled in the space in front of my apartment, waiting.
“Did you even hear what I said to you?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m staying at your apartment tonight. Whatever, I’ll sleep on the couch and go to the dorm tomorrow,” she said, yawning. I knew she was drunk, but fuck, I just told her I loved her for the first time. She noticed I was staring at her.
“What is it?” She asked.
“I just told you…I…You know what? Fuck this,” I said, leaving her in the car.
When I got in the apartment, I pulled out my pills and let three dissolve under my tongue. Once she came inside I knew she would go to my bed, so I laid on the couch, refusing to sleep by her tonight. I’ve never been so pissed in my life. I finally open up to a girl, and let her in, only for her to shit all over my life. I fell for her and she fucked me over.
I’ve been told everyone loved to the best of their ability. My dad, in his own fucked-up way, loved his children.
I, with my ruthless heart and self-centered, twisted mind, loved her with every fiber of my being. But tonight, I realized that wasn’t enough. I only have so much to offer, and I know other men, who aren’t broken, could give her a much better life. She would have to learn to accept me for who I am, broken and defeated, or move on to someone whole.
I knew what she deserved, and it only made me more twister to hope she could learn to accept less. Because it didn’t matter how broken I was, I was always trying harder than anyone else. I would fight harder than anyone else. I wouldn’t always succeed, but I know if she could be patient with me, I could show her how much her very existence means to me. She’s changing me, and I so desperately need her to do so.
My eyelids were heavy, but she still wasn’t inside. I fought to stay awake, but eventually sleep won and I passed out, like most nights, not knowing where I stood with the girl I loved.
25
MERRY CHRISTMAS
“Hello?”
I sighed with relief. The past few days were iffy, and when she does answer the phone it’s short. At least she was talking to me.
“Hey babe,” I said. When she didn’t say anything, I continued. “We’re still on for tomorrow?”
“If you’re referring to meeting my family, yeah. Sure.”
Fuck. How is she still pissed?
“I’ll be there. Is everything alright?” I asked. A male voice started talking in the background and I froze.
“Yeah. Fine. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Hell no. “Who were you talking to?”
“My brother,” she snapped.
“That didn’t sound like Scott…” I said, standing from the couch. I paced around the small living room, annoyed. It took everything in me not to grab my keys and show up over there right now.
“I have another brother. Maybe I forgot to tell you…Do you forget to tell me things sometimes, Hayze?”
I ran my hands down my face and sat on the couch. “Taylor, I’m trying here.”
“I know you are, but,” she stopped mid-sentence, sighing. “I barely know anything about you and you’re acting like an ass lately!”
“I said I’m trying,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Try harder. I have to go.”
When she hung up, I almost shattered my phone against the wall. She’s driving me fucking insane. If she had any idea the things I went through and what I dealt with she would know how hard I try. But I can’t tell her. I won’t burden her with my shit.
My phone rings again. I look at it quickly, wondering if she’s calling back with a different attitude. But I find my mom’s name instead. Sighing, I answered.
“Yeah?”
“Hey, honey. Do you and Taylor have any plans tonight?”
I rolled my eyes. “She’s at her parents.”
“That’s too bad. Glenn and I are having some friends over for a Christmas Eve party. Do you want to come?”
I looked around the empty apartment. Although it’s the last place I want to be, I knew exactly what I would do if I sat here alone.
“Sure,” I grumbled out.
“That’s wonderful. Everyone will be here in an hour. Just come whenever you want,” she said and I could hear the smile in her voice.
I stripped my clothes off and hopped in the shower. Out of nowhere, I was eager to leave this apartment. I rinsed off quickly, toweled off, and pulled on a pair of jeans. Looking at my reflection, I raked my fingers through my hair, and then pushed it over to the side.
I tugged a black shirt over my head, covering my plain torso. I kept thinking about getting more tattoos on my stomach and ribs. The stray line of roman numerals was put there for a reason, because that was where Chance was stabbed, but they stuck out like a sore thumb.
My arms were completely covered with mostly tribal work, and whatever the hell I went in and told the artist to draw at the time I was high.
I didn’t regret any of them. Some of them were a sick reminder of why I got them; almost like a scar. They’re a part of me, and they have every right to be here just as any part of my body.
On the way out, I grabbed a beer, chugging it as I walked to my Mustang. Shaking my head, I pulled out of the parking lot. Hell had surely frozen over if I was going to my mother’s house just to get away. Without a doubt, I would need something to calm my nerves, so I popped two pills in my mouth before parking in her driveway.
My mother was eager to see me when I walked in. As she pulled me into a hug, I could smell wine on her breathe.
“I’m so happy you’re here honey,” she said.
She grabbed my arm, pulling me to the living room. With a room full of women and their husbands and daughters, she paraded me around like a show pony.
“You all remember my son Hayze?” She asked, grinning.
A chorus of murmurs and overly eager smiles were sent my way. I sat on the far end of the couch, wedged between the couch and my mother. I bounced my knee back and forth, regretting my decision to come. My mother placed her hand on my leg, stopping me as she always did.
“Um, thanks,” I said, raising the glass to her.
“What are you doing now, Hayze?” A younger girl, probably eighteen-years-old, asked me. She raked her fingers through her hair, smiling.
“About to graduate,” I said.
“You probably don’t remember me,” she continued nervously. “We went to school together…I was a few years behind.”
I shook my head. “Sorry.”
I was beginning to feel weird. Did my mother ask these people to be overly nice to me so I would come back?
“Chelby is going to school there next year. Maybe you can show her around?” The lady, who brought me drink, asked. Pointing to the girl beside her.
I rubbed the back of my head, nervously. This was fucking weird. “Like I said, I’m graduating…Maybe my girlfriend can show you around.”
“Janelle, you didn’t mention he was seeing anyone.”
She smiled, patting my legs. “Yeah, they’ve been together most of the semester.
Chelby’s mom seemed relieved. “Nothing serious I guess? It’s college.”
I laughed, “If she can make me fall in love with her, it’s serious.”
“She’s his first girlfriend,” my mother added.
Jesus Christ. I rubbed my temples, needing to get the fuck out of here. I sucked down the rest of the drink and walked over to the table with alcohol lining it. I didn’t bother with the coke, I poured straight whiskey.
“Chelby and Sandra,” she said, pointing to the pair. “Wanted to ask you over.”
I can see why. I sucked the drink down and grabbed a beer as I walked to the door. “I’ve gotta go to Taylor’s parents in the morning.”
My mother stood and walked over, cringing where I could only see her. “Sorry. You guys have fun tomorrow. Merry Christmas,” she said as I walked from the door.
“It’s not Christmas yet,” I said, walking to my car.
Laughing, she shut the door. I stumbled a couple times walking. Fuck. Somehow I made it back to the apartment, finding a house full of guest.
“Goddammit Joel!” I yelled, getting a lot of stares.
He walked up, clasping me on the shoulder. “My man.”
“What the fuck is this?” I asked, motioning around the party.
He laughed, “Are you drunk?”
“What the fuck does that matter? I’m tired of coming home to parties and girls and all the shit you have going on.”
He shrugged, unfazed. “Should’ve thought about that before you roomed with me.”
“Rooming with you? I said I was getting a place and you invited yourself. This shit needs to stop,” I said, turning on the lights. I cut the music off; cue the groaning.
“Everybody out!” I said, pointing to the open door.
Joel kicked it closed. “This is just as much my place as it is yours. Party isn’t over.”
“We’ll talk about being even when you pay half of the deposit back,” I said, smirking.
“You made that money back.”
I pointed my finger at him, stepping closer. “No, you fucked me and this shit stops now.”
He ripped the door opened, shoving me out. I scrambled on my feet as I regained balance. Was he fucking serious? As drunk as I felt, I could still take him.
He walked toward me with a murderous glare plastered on his face. I stood there, waiting. He could make the first move this time. He threw his fist lazily and I ducked. I landed one on his jaw, knocking him back. I was far tired of his shit, so I didn’t stop there. I got on top of him, landing blow after blow until I couldn’t tell if his face was bleeding or my knuckles.
I was pulled back roughly. I turned around and almost swung until I noticed he was wearing a police uniform.
“Are you boys at that party?” He asked. I looked Joel who was nursing his face.
“Yes sir,” I said.
“Who owns that place?” He asked and I shrugged my shoulders. He shined his flashlight on Joel then back to me, studying us. “How are you boys getting home?”
“Looks like we’re going with you,” Joel said. I clenched my jaw, stepping back to him. Stupid mother fucker. I was going to land another blow; I mean what the hell does it matter at this point? But the officer stopped me, shoving me to the ground. I hit my head. Blinking a few times, I tried to stay conscious. While he was reading us our rights, I gave in to the fight and closed my eyes.
****
I loved waking up in my bed alone; and I’d come to find out, I loved waking up next to a pillow of brown hair sprawled across my face. I loved kissing my way up her arms, and finding her mouth. However, I did not love waking up on the floor of a jail cell.
Joel was still popping off when we left. The office just held us overnight because he knocked me unconscious and Joel wouldn’t give him information. He was a cool guy I guess. Other than the concussion I was sure I had. I guess he figured if he didn’t book me in, I wouldn’t press charges.
I pulled my leather jacket on, staring at the house in front of me. I probably shouldn’t have shown up. I’m an hour late and I’m almost positive I can smell whiskey coming out of my pores. Despite my anxiety, I walked up and knocked on the door, waiting for her parent’s to open the door and scold me.
Instead, I’m greeted by a friendly lady. Her green eyes and long brown hair are a dead giveaway before her face breaks into a grin.
“You must be Hayze,” she said, pulling me inside.
“I am. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Thompson,” I said, standing at the door.
“Call me Carol,” she said, guiding me through the small house. “Taylor said you had to pick up your sister up from the airport. She’s going to be so excited to see you.”
“Yeah.” Was all I could manage to say.
She had to lie to her family about why I wasn’t coming. I felt like a bigger asshole than I already did. I wanted to answer her calls, but I wasn’t ready to tell her yet. I don’t want to add more to our pile of shit. ‘Sorry I’m late, I was arrested’ wouldn't fly with her.
We walked into a small, dark dining room and I froze. All eyes were on me. I should be looking at Taylor, but my sight was fixed on the guy in front of her. Without a doubt, I knew who that douche was. And I wanted to know why he was here? Did she invite him after I didn’t show?
“Look who’s surprising you!” Carol said.
Taylor glared at me as I took the empty seat beside her. “I wanted to surprise you after I picked Lea up,” I said.
“How thoughtful of you to show up after that,” she said. I didn’t miss the sarcasm in her tone. Her family went back to their conversation, pretending I wasn’t here while we got into a heated confrontation in front of them.
“I lost my phone.” Again, partially true. The police took my phone, but those details aren’t important.
“You’re late,” she said, pushing her food around on her plate.
“I’m here,” I fired back.
“Are you going to introduce us?” Her dad asked. Glaring at me, he stroked his graying mustache.
“Uh, yeah. Hayze this is my family,” Taylor said.
“And this is Joseph. The guy she dated throughout high school, she’s mentioned him, right?” Her dad said, pointing to the douche next to him.
I clenched my jaw, shifting in my seat. The first meeting wouldn’t go well if I knocked him out, so I swallowed my anger.
“Yes sir, she’s mentioned him,” I said.
“Tell us about yourself, Hayze. Where do you work? What’s your major?” He asked, toying with me. Tell me about yourself. Who are you fucking these days?
“He works at the bar with me,” Taylor said.
“Figures,” he mumbled, shaking his head.
“I’m a Psychology major. I graduate in the spring and I’ve already applied to the graduate program,” I said, confidently. Let’s see him try to knock me on that.
Taylor cut her eyes at me, looking at me with suspicion.
“And what happens if you don’t get in?” Her dad asked.
Where he was persistent, I was cocky.
“I have a four point oh. With all due respect sir, I’m getting in,” I said, smirking.
“Joseph here is going to optometry school,” he said, clasping him on the shoulder.
Avoiding my death glare, Joseph shifted in his seat. Getting annoyed, Scott started filing his plate again. He looked up as he dumped dressing on his plate and laughed.
“These guys are preachers,” Scott laughed, pointing to their dad and brother. “And I’m a college dropout with a hangover. Now that it’s settled, let’s eat.”
“Scott, for once can you not be yourself?” The guy next to him, I’m assuming Sean, said.
“We have guests,” Carol said, smiling at me. At least one person is on my side; I glared at Joseph again. I’ve already pissed off half the people in this room, what would it hurt to break this guy’s nose?
Dinner was painfully quiet. It reminded me of my childhood, sitting at a table pretending an incident didn’t just happen. I received as many glares as I gave, and eventually Taylor’s mom had enough. She gathered plates and pulled Scott’s arm.
“Taylor, why don’t you show Hayze around the place,” she said, smiling.
Once outside she sat on a swing on the back porch. Remembering Lea was blowing my phone up, I patted my jeans down.
“Hold on, let me send Lea a text,” I said.
“Glad you found your phone.”
Fuck. It was either more lies or start feeding her some of the truth. I couldn’t dump it on her at once, but maybe I could start with what happened last night.
“You’ve gotta give me some answers. I was blindsided back there. It never occurred to me that I didn’t even know your major, or your passion and why you chose it,” she said, shaking her head to clear her thoughts. “We obviously need to slow way down. And…and you need to give me some answers or I can’t do it anymore, Hayze.”
Looking at her as if she’d lost her damn mind, I threw my hands up. “Slow down? Fuck! I just told you I loved you…we don’t need to slow down!”
“Is it someone else?”
Ruined (The Hazed Series Book 3) Page 17
