by t. h. snyder
My heart had been shattered by the one woman I had always loved. I fought the void she left in me by filling my life with a distraction. One that never meant to me what she did…the pain grew into agony and no longer could I bear to live without her.
Rather than try and find her, I lived life as it came my way. Jenn was there and she tried to be the person I needed in my life, but I remained numb to the outside world. The only thing that helped me get through the tiresome days and long nights were the drugs and alcohol.
My life, my choices…how quickly they all could have been turned into my death.
If not for a complete stranger, my world could have ended because of the ways in which I chose to mask my pain.
After leaving the hospital that horrid day, I knew I had a big decision to make. No longer could I allow the pain of my past to dictate the course of my future.
I needed help and knew there was no one I could count on other than myself. Treatment is what I sought, a fight is what I was prepared to endure, and freedom from my demons was my goal.
After meeting with a counselor at the local clinic, I started to talk through the things that made me yearn for the drugs and alcohol. At first it was stupid, or so I thought, having to talk to another grown man about my life. With a few visits under my belt, the sessions became easier and I found that it was the one part of my week I looked forward to…it felt good to let out the things that I had bottled up for so long.
Once I was finished with my treatment, I started going to bi-weekly meetings. I was shocked by the stories of my peers; my life didn’t seem half as bad as some of theirs.
It was at these meetings that I was reconnected to the man that saved my life. Cliff and I grew to be confidants, friends with very different stories, but similar weaknesses that lead us to grieve our pain.
Knowing that I wasn’t alone to fight my battle made recovery that much easier. Cliff and I started to spend time together outside of our meetings. We had a lot more in common than our fucked up lives. The more I got to know him, the more I realized our paths in life were meant to cross. A friendship is where we started, but a strong brotherhood is where we were destined to end up.
Cliff started to work as a delivery driver soon after he got clean from his ill habits. It wasn’t his dream career, but it helped him to focus and pay the bills. After a meeting one night, we started to compare our tattoos. The patterns along our skin were quite different, yet all had similar meanings.
Needing a distraction, we started to create pieces that would eventually be inked onto our skin. It was relaxing, soothing to find myself back to my roots. Art was my savior; it kept my mind off of the here and now and allowed me to focus on something meaningful.
Cliff had a passion for art just as I did and, after talking more and more, I decided to bring him into Cursed Magic to meet the guys. We both found that working through our art was the one thing that brought peace into our crazed minds. Before long, he too was sitting in a chair as an apprentice in my mentor’s tattoo shop.
Beginning new lives, we were willing to strive for greatness and deter the demons from within. Between the two of us, we found a drug that eased the pain….our art.
Chapter 7
Pacing the short distance between my kitchen and living room I wait for Etty to arrive. I don’t know what she plans to do, but I need to stick to my guns. I’ve made a decision that is best for me…that’s all I need to worry about.
So much has transpired here in the past few months that I don’t know if I can take much more. Everyone has their breaking point and I think I’ve surpassed mine. It’s been one thing to keep my past relationship with Steve a secret from everyone; it would be too much for them to all understand where he and I came from. Hell, it’s almost too much for me to comprehend now that we are back to square one…this time, he’s the one pushing me away rather than me being the one to walk.
The day I saw Steve at Duke’s, I thought for sure it was a dream. I never believed the two of us would cross paths again. He was everything to me at one point, someone I had loved so much that it tore me apart to turn away from what we could have had…then there he was, standing right in front of me. The moment his big brown eyes landed on mine I knew I was a goner. I wanted so badly to crawl up into his lap and hold onto him for dear life. My emotions were all over the place, I needed to rein them in and think with a clear head.
As I watched, he took a seat at the bar and smiled back at me, his eyes never leaving mine. I took a few steps in his direction, placing bar napkins down in front of him and his friends before asking them what they wanted to drink. I was taken aback when Steve ordered a soda while the rest of the guys ordered bottles of Miller Lite. Listening to their requests, I moved behind the bar and placed their drinks in front of them. As I set Steve’s soda down, his hand grazed mine and a sudden shock rushed through my fingers and up my arm. It was the same spark I always felt when he’d touch me, I just didn’t think it would still be alive after all this time. Pulling my hand back and resting it along my side, I plastered a fake smile across my face and continued to tend to the other customers.
It was difficult to not pay him attention and look in his direction, especially when I could feel the heat of his gaze watching me. Each time I’d look up to him, a smile would spread across his face and a wink would flash in my direction. All the feelings for him, I tried so hard to bury, came rushing back that night…I couldn’t fight the pull that we felt for one another.
Now looking back, I know that shock of electricity will always be alive within us…even if we’re not meant to be together.
The sound of a knock pulls my attention to the other side of the room. Moving through the small space, I open the door to see Etty standing in the entry way with a bag in her hands.
Smiling, she pushes past me and moves herself toward the kitchen.
“Ok, crazy lady, what are you up to and what the hell is in the bag?”
Stopping in her tracks, she turns and shakes her head while laughing back at me.
“We’re friends, right?” She asks setting the bag down on the counter top.
“Yeah, of course we’re friends. Why the hell would you ask a question like that?” I ask with a hint of guilt coursing through me.
“Well, as I see it, friends don’t leave friends in a time of need. I think we’ve all moved apart from one another trying to work through our own grief. Hell, I’ve never had many girls as friends, but you and Jo came along and….well shit, Ash, I can’t lose you, too. You’ve become a constant in my life and maybe I’m just being selfish here, but I need you.”
I stand and watch as tears begin to fall down her face.
“Oh, Etty, I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you. Life has fucked us all up and you’re right, we’ve all gone in our own directions.”
“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, it’s not your fault Dault’s not here. Every day I pray that the next will get easier. I want so badly for him to come back to me…why won’t he come back to me, Ash?”
Looking into her sad eyes, I feel nothing but regret for a decision I made based on my own needs. She was one of the few people in my world that took me in with open arms. She didn’t know me, my past, or who I was…no, she accepted me because I was brought in as a member of the crew. Not for a moment did she ever judge, even when I took over her role at the shop. Instead she embraced me with open arms and made me feel like I was one of them.
Moving to her side, I pull her into my arms. Together we stand in the center of my kitchen, tears falling from both of our faces.
“We’ll get through this together, Etty. I promise you that. With or without those guys, we’ll always have each other. I’m not going anywhere.”
Feeling her nod against my shoulder, she slightly pulls away.
“So does that mean you’ll stay?” She asks with hesitation.
Rolling my eyes, I let out a sigh and nod in agreement.
Bouncing away from me, she wipe
s the tears from her face and smiles while clapping her hands.
Confused at how quickly she changed her emotional state, I, too, wipe the tears falling from my eyes.
“Etty, you’re beginning to worry me. I mean, I knew you were off the wall before, but what’s with the sudden burst of excitement?”
“You’re staying; it’s the best news I’ve heard all day.”
“Don’t get too excited yet, it doesn’t mean I’ll stay once everything settles down.”
Grabbing my hands in hers, she looks me dead in the eyes.
“You will not leave, Ashley,” she firmly states with a stern look on her face.
“Oh no?” I ask with a laugh.
“No, you and I are going to fix this crazy shit of a crew and make us whole again.”
Staring at her, my eyes go wide. This chick has fallen off her rocker. How the hell does she think we can make this happen? It’s not by our choice that we’ve all fallen apart; we all have our own reasons.
“Don’t look at me like that; I have a plan…oh shit!” She shouts rushing over to the bag.
“What?” I ask moving to see what the hell she brought with her.
“Well, my first step of the Cursed Crew Intervention was going to be to get you wasted on ice cream in hopes that you’d love me so much you couldn’t leave.”
Another laugh escapes me at the craziness of her statement.
“Wait…what? You wanted to get me drunk on ice cream? Nice plan, lady.”
“Hey, I was desperate and what girl doesn’t like ice cream?”
“Good point,” I reply with a giggle.
Shaking her head, she removes the frozen treat from the bag, setting it down on the counter.
“Get the bowls and spoons. We can still enjoy all this goodness while we concoct a plan.”
“Sounds like a good idea to me,” I reply turning from her and pulling all the stuff from the cabinets.
For the next few hours, Etty and I discuss our master plan to bring back the Cursed Crew. We may have over indulged a bit with the sweets, but hey, a girl can live every now and again.
Not sure if what we’ve discussed will actually work, we figure it’s as good a strategy as any. No one else seems to be getting off their asses to make a change, so why can’t we?
As we begin to clean up our make shift sundae stand in the kitchen, there’s a knock at the door. Looking between one another, we both shrug our shoulders.
“Are you expecting someone?” She asks with a puzzled expression.
“No, I haven’t a clue who it could be,” I reply tossing the bowls into the dishwasher.
“Well, we better look. Want me to get it?”
“Yeah sure, I’ll just finish up here.”
With my back to the door, I busy myself in the kitchen while Etty answers the door. As I’m putting the last of the ice cream back into the freezer, I hear her voice echo from the door way.
“Umm, Ash, it’s for you?”
Closing the freezer door, I peer around the corner to see a forlorn Steve standing next to Etty. I clutch onto the towel in my hand, squeezing it for dear life. His stare is directed to me, as if I’m the only one in the room. I can’t help but gaze back into his eyes, seeing something behind them, but I’m not sure what it is.
Etty clears her throat and the trance is broken.
“Umm yeah, umm well…” I can’t seem to form a coherent sentence. What the fuck is wrong with me?
“Yes, well, this is thrilling and all, but I can see that the two of you need some time to….ya know, like talk or something.”
I watch as she moves to the counter, grabs her purse, and then walks behind Steve. She gestures for me to give her a call and I can’t help but laugh at her subtly. Steve turns to see what she’s doing, but by the time he moves she’s already on her way out the door.
“She’s something else,” I say wringing the towel in my hand.
“Yeah, I’m sorry for interrupting,” he says taking a step forward.
The beat of my heart picks up the closer he moves toward me. No matter how hard I try to fight him, I can’t control the way my emotions and body feel when he’s near.
His arms reach out for me and I muster all the strength I can to not fall into him.
“Ash, come here. I need you to come to me…please,” he remarks, his tone begging for me to go to him.
“Steve, I can’t, I mean, we can’t keep doing this over and over again.”
Taking another step forward, he’s now so close to me. Lifting his arms, he places his hands on either side of my face.
“I don’t want to keep doing this over and over again with you, Ash. We…you and I are going to make this work. Through everything, all this time, I still feel the same way I did when we first met.”
“You’re right, there’s something that keeps pulling me to you, but there’s always so much that keeps pushing us apart. Our past is just that, the past…and now we tried, but it just couldn’t work.”
Shaking his head, he runs this thumb along the side of my face, a chill igniting throughout my entire body.
“I need you in my life, Ash. As much as I’ve fucked up over the years, there’s always been one thing that makes me want to be whole, be better, and be stronger. That one thing is you.”
His eyes stare into mine, it hurts so bad to love someone so much. I know that nothing I can do will help him be the man he wants to be, he has to want it.
“Steve, I’m not the one to make you that person.”
“Maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me. It’s always been you, Ash…always and forever.”
His words rip at my heart, I can’t stand it anymore. He’s all I’ve ever wanted and now that he’s standing here with me, telling me this…I’m lost and without him I don’t know that I’ll ever want to be found.
Stepping in closer, I lean myself into his warmth. He makes me feel at peace even when we are at our worst. I would walk through fire for this man and I know that he’d do the same for me.
Looking up into his eyes, I can only pray that everything will fall into place…that he and I will finally be able to get through all of our shit and find a way to fall into one another without breaking apart.
Chapter 8
Today was quite eventful if I do say so myself. Knowing that Ashley is going to stay and that we’ve come up with a plan makes tonight that much more meaningful.
I’ve been waiting for this day for what feels like forever. Driving by myself to the airport, I’m anxious and excited to see my two friends. It’s been way too lonely around here with them gone. Now that they’re coming home, I feel like life might get back to normal.
Shortly after Cursed Magic door’s closed, Linc and Jo took a trip to visit family in Charleston, South Carolina. Something about near death accidents triggered Linc to go home and make things right with his brother and sister. The trip couldn’t have been easy on either of them, but I understood why Linc wanted to go. Life’s too short to live with regrets, especially when it involves family. I’ve spoken to Jo a few times while they have been gone and she seemed to be happy with the way things were going. I guess I’ll just have to interrogate Linc myself and find out all the details.
I’m not certain that they’ll be happy to hear how things have been here, especially when they find out that I’ve been talking to Christian again. We all have to move on one way or another and if having him in my life is helping me through my grieving process, then they’ll just have to accept it…I can only hope they will.
A sharp pain stabs me in the chest at the thought of everything I’ve lost…including him. Is it wrong that I’m trying to forget the man I love? He’s left me, he’s gone, and there’s no way I’ll get him back. The memories of Dault and me together were honestly the best times I’ve ever had. Tears begin to prick my eyes and I try my damnedest to fight them off. I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry anymore, God only knows I’ve cried enough to saturate the gulf coast.
&
nbsp; I miss him more than I’ll ever miss my next breath; I want him back so fucking bad it hurts. Every night I close my eyes praying that when I wake he’ll be there lying next to me. Being wrapped up in his arms, smelling his scent, and hearing his voice again are things I wish for every day…but I’ve grown to know that it’ll never happen. Dault’s gone and he’s never coming back to me again.
Pulling the car into the Arrivals drive of the airport, I can see Linc’s tall stature and Jo’s thin frame. A small smile spreads across my face and hope begins to fill my soul. As I near the sidewalk, Linc’s eyes catch sight of me. Bending down to grab the bags, he stands and reaches for Jo’s hand as I get out of the car.
I can’t get to them fast enough. Leaving the car running and the driver’s side door wide open, I run to them. As I fall into their arms tears, fall fast from my eyes.
“Shh don’t cry, Etty,” Jo says rubbing her hand up and down my back.
Slowly breaking away from them, I wipe away the stream of tears falling down my cheeks.
“You look like hell, Etty. Pull yourself together,” Linc says while letting go of Jo and dropping his bag.
With two open arms he tugs me into his embrace. My emotions get the best of me and I let the dam break. I can’t control the pain and loss I feel as he clutches me tightly into his chest. My chest is heaving and my body is shaking so badly that he has to hold me upright so that I don’t fall to the sidewalk.
“I was just joking, Etty. You don’t really look like hell. Don’t cry, I’m sorry.”
His terms of endearment make me laugh and I can feel a smile pull from my lips. As I loosen my bear hug, I look up into his dark brown eyes.
“I’ve missed you so much, Linc. Life isn’t the same without you two here.”
“I’m back now and believe me we are ready to start fresh. There are a lot of things we want to talk to you all about, but first I want to get home and get a good night’s sleep in my own bed.”
Nodding, I hang on tight, not wanting to let go of my rock.
“Can I ask if you’ve talked to him?” I mumble into his shoulder.
