“Seriously.” Stephanie sat back, seemingly relishing this moment.
“Slavery is a natural condition? Women should be the property of men?” she huffed. “You know I never did like that part about women obeying their husbands. I just kind of ignored it. But it really pisses me off.”
“Wow,” Stephanie marveled. “Your dad’s a preacher and you never read this?”
“I got better things to do with my time,” Jess said defensively.
“That’s not what I mean. Isn’t it weird that you never read or heard more of this passage?”
Jess looked at the pages again. “Yeah. It is.”
With Stephanie’s help, she found all of the passages, particularly in Leviticus, that were never spoken in church, and she highlighted more of them. Then she put the book back in her nightstand drawer.
After a few minutes, the contemplative silence in the room turned uncomfortable. Jess squeezed her knees; her legs were tucked up tightly as if for protection. “So…you think it might not be a sin?”
“No,” Stephanie said firmly. “I don’t think it is. And I don’t think I’d feel…how I feel if I weren’t supposed to.”
“How do you feel?” Jess’s heart thudded, her mind careening into uncharted territory. Everything she thought she knew and could rely upon wasn’t there anymore. At the same time, something about her feelings, the bond she had with Stephanie, wasn’t new at all. It was something she’d felt all along.
“You’re going to think this is crazy,” Stephanie said. “But even when we were kids…I felt this connection to you. I can’t explain.”
When she looked up, Jess reached for her face, cradling it with both hands, and kissed her. It was instinctual, her touch so sure as she caressed Stephanie’s face. The fear that had accompanied their first kiss had been washed away at the river. She was bolder today, knowing what she wanted, and wanting more of it, whatever it was. Armed with the information Stephanie had just given her, Jess even allowed herself to believe, if only for now, that it might not be wrong, that it was okay to trust her feelings.
She pulled back, reined in by one nagging thought…
“What about your boyfriend?” Jess asked.
Stephanie closed her eyes. “Mike.”
“Nice name,” Jess said sarcastically.
“I don’t kiss him like that.” She winked at Jess, but it wasn’t enough. She appeared thoughtful, then said, “I got caught up in the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing. But with you it’s different.”
Jess nodded, knowing what she meant.
“How is it…for you?” Stephanie asked.
Jess lowered her eyes, reaching for Stephanie’s hands. Squeezing them tightly, she said, “The same.” After a long moment…“What are we gonna do?”
Stephanie shrugged, but her smile was reassuring, as if the outside world didn’t matter anymore.
* * *
“Stay for dinner,” Jess said eagerly.
They stood in the drive, beside Stephanie’s car.
“Thanks, but I should get back,” Stephanie said. “My mom’ll be home.”
“Oh, sure, okay.”
Jess hugged her goodbye, a long, lingering hug that they ended when headlights flashed over the two of them. It was Cobb’s truck. He was dropping off Ivy.
Ivy sized up the situation immediately, her protective gaze taking in both girls at once. She watched with a somberness that annoyed Jess as she waved to Stephanie. Clearly Ivy was afraid for Jess, worried about the price they might pay for their indiscretions. Jess fumed. Ivy meant well, she knew, but why did her concerns and the opinions of others have to suck all the joy out of this? Why did something so precious have to be taken away from them?
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Dinner that night began quietly with only the scrapes of forks and spoons making noise in their bowls of beef stew. Minutes ticked by until Dan finally said, “You out with that Wallace boy?”
“Yes, sir.” Ivy took another bite of stew.
“You been seein’ him a lot lately.”
She kept chewing.
“Three nights this week,” he added.
“It’s not like I’m marryin’ him!” Ivy protested.
“Well, that’s good to hear.” Though their father seemed calm, he stabbed at his food as if it were Cobb’s head. He’d laid down the gauntlet in his own, unmistakable way. “You need to be thinkin’ about your studies.”
“I am,” Ivy insisted. With her shoulders hunched up to her ears, she was obviously very distressed by what he’d said.
Ivy had been doing well at college, but their father kept telling her that she’d never be a veterinarian if she let herself get distracted by a boy. But it wasn’t just any boy he objected to. He had made his dislike for Cobb obvious to everyone. The reverend wasn’t going to allow that boy to deter her from her plans.
Carolyn said nothing. Her eyes darted from one to the other, watching the exchange. If she was troubled by any of it, she didn’t say. All she did was pat Jess’s hand, looking at the bowl of stew, and making it a point to tell her: “There’s no cabbage in it.”
Danny had entered a new phase of trying to be an obedient son and wisely kept all jokes to himself. Usually he would be bursting to tease his older sister about her love life, but he showed remarkable restraint tonight.
“Who are we talkin’ about?” Danny asked.
Jess turned her head with a deliberate pause. “Have you been livin’ under a rock?”
“Well ’scuse me if I can’t keep up with all the men you guys are seeing.” Danny laughed to himself.
“Cobb Wallace, dingus head,” Jess said.
“No name calling,” her mother snapped, glaring at her.
There was a long quiet, the kind of quiet Jess always wanted to fill, because the longer it lasts, the more it feels like there’s a disturbance in the universe and something bad is going to happen.
Jess decided there was no better time to a) fill the silence and b) shift the subject away from her sister’s love life.
“Daddy,” she said, “I have some questions about the Bible.” That would surely switch the focus from Ivy.
Her father’s face lit up. None of the Aimes kids had ever asked a biblical question in their lives. This was a truly momentous occasion. He shifted in his seat with anticipation. “Shoot.”
“I just wondered…” Jess tried on different words in her mind. She was intensely aware of Danny’s judgmental stare. “I was wonderin’ like how…you know how we read certain parts of the Bible in church?”
“Yes?” Her dad waited eagerly.
“Well,” Jess continued. “Some stuff we never say, like those parts about women gettin’ stoned if they’re on their period.”
Danny laughed and spit out some of his food. “And you say I’m gross at the table!”
“Hush,” Carolyn barked at him. Her fork was suspended in midair, the stabbing part facing out toward him. She was the family referee, citing each member for violations of language and manners throughout every meal.
“I know what you mean,” her dad replied, much to Jess’s surprise. “But you got to understand, things were different in Jesus’ time.”
“So why do we still say some things are wrong and other things are right?” Jess persisted.
Dan smiled. “I don’t think it’s too hard to tell what stands the test of time. I’m pretty sure you know what is still right and what is still wrong.” His intense eyes made his argument impossible to rebuke.
This conversation wasn’t going the way Jess had planned. She’d lost control of it somehow. Her father had a way of making that happen.
Danny took a bite. “You still can’t kill anyone,” he said with his mouth full. “Is that what you’re thinkin’, Jess? You gonna kill someone?”
“I’m thinkin’ about it,” she said, glaring at him.
“All right,” Carolyn said, somewhat amused in spite of herself.
* * *
The tw
o sisters shared the bathroom as they got ready for bed. Ivy donned her usual, scary-looking green facial mask. Jess had told her she looked like a swamp creature, but Ivy insisted it had seaweed and other sludge that contained minerals which were apparently good for the skin. Jess wasn’t going to argue with anyone who thought it was a good idea to put seaweed on her face. As far as she was concerned, Ivy was beyond reason anyway, especially since she saw something special in Cobb Wallace.
“Why doesn’t Daddy like Cobb?” Jess asked.
“’Cause he’s a farmer’s son,” Ivy said softly so no one else would hear.
“So much for ‘judge not, lest ye be judged.’”
“No kiddin’. He thinks I can do better.”
“What’s wrong with farmers?”
Ivy chuckled bitterly. “He thinks I won’t finish college if I settle down with him. But I will, you know.”
Jess nodded. “That’s why you were so pissed at me. I believe you, you know.”
“Do you?” Ivy had washed half the green stuff off her face. She looked like one of those before and after commercials. “No guy is gonna make me quit school.”
“I believe you.” Jess groaned in exasperation. “You need to get over it.”
There was a pause. “Tonight in the driveway. Was that her?”
Jess was startled. She began brushing her hair furiously. Ivy probably knew she was stalling; Jess never cared that much about her hair. It was always short and tousled.
“She is pretty,” Ivy admitted. Then a long pause of doom. “You know you gotta end it.”
“There’s nothin’ to end.” Jess left the bathroom.
* * *
“You know you gotta end it.”
Jess tossed and turned in her bed that night. Nothing made sense. Not what the Bible said and not what the book with the daisies on the cover said. Or what it didn’t say. Those things that guys and girls were supposed to do together, two boys or two girls couldn’t do that, right? So what would they do if they…? Her mind shied away from finishing that thought. She wanted Stephanie so much, and her kiss would be forever etched in her memory. But how much of her could she have? Her imagination could go no further. When she tried to imagine what else they might do, she was too afraid.
She remembered all the things Stephanie had told her today, about how she’d felt connected to her too. Those were all reasons to believe it wasn’t a one-sided story, that there must be ways to have more of each other. Overcome with a joy she’d never before known, Jess pressed her pillow to her mouth and screamed into it so no one would hear.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Jess left another note in Stephanie’s locker. Several weeks had passed since Ivy’s warning. She continued to ignore it, and the notes between them had started to pile up. She brought home each one Stephanie left and placed it in the collection in her nightstand drawer, tied with a ribbon. She carefully smoothed out the wrinkles, preserving each one carefully.
Her dad was continuing to shout about Leviticus, more than about any other passage lately. Had her question at dinner led him to think her faith was wavering? Or maybe it was the heavy metal bands on TV and the men wearing eyeliner. Maybe he was worried about the moral fiber of society or worried that he might have thought some of the male singers were pretty.
Jess’s gaze shifted to the new organist, a nearly ninety-year-old granny who had been tapped to replace Patty Jo Jenkins, who may or may not have tried to kill a man in another county. Of course, those allegations hadn’t been proven any more than the ones about the previous organist stealing wingnuts. But the mere idea wasn’t acceptable; the church was getting a reputation for having organists hell-bent on going to hell. Everyone hoped that this new lady wasn’t hiding anything, except possibly a tube of Ben-Gay in her purse. On the upside, at least from Abilene’s point of view, the latest rumors were having the effect of distracting folks’ attention from her son’s recent marital transgressions. Ray was giving the Thornbush name a black eye, and his mother wasn’t going to have it.
Jess had overheard her parents arguing about how her dad was going to have to fire one of the women, then another. Her mother would say the rumors hadn’t been proven to be true, that Abilene was behind them. But her father would explain how, in a small town, a rumor was as good as the truth. This made Jess’s heart sink, especially because she knew it was true. In Greens Fork, it was all about perception.
On Wednesday nights, the church held a Fellowship Meeting. Dan required his kids to go, though sometimes they could get out of them with a good enough excuse. Jess’s favorite had to do with studying for big tests.
She hated these Fellowship Meetings even more than church services. On “Inevitable Wednesdays,” as she called them, everyone met at the church to discuss Bible verses, but all they seemed to actually do was spend time judging each other. Somebody would start in about something like “men lying with other men” and the whole crowd would be off and running. That line in particular was like throwing raw meat to a pack of wolves. Then it felt more like a hate fest, and Jess would be no closer to Jesus afterward. In fact, she’d feel a little beaten up. Ever since that eye-opening afternoon in her bedroom, Jess listened for any hint of discussion about those parts of Leviticus Stephanie had shown her. But they were never mentioned. Not ever.
* * *
Meanwhile, in school Jess began looking forward each day to the break after fourth period, the time when Stephanie would slip a new note in her locker. Every time she saw the fresh, folded notebook paper, her heart would pound and the excitement would build like a favorite song. She’d never felt so light, so elated.
“Dear Jess, They’re making us do a new routine for the pep rally. Nobody wants to be on top because they’re afraid no one will catch them. Somehow they talked me into doing it.”
“Dear Steph, I don’t know why I’m friends with Kelly. It’s something like that old saying about keeping your enemies close. I don’t see her as a friend. I see her as an enemy.”
“I saw you in the hall, Jess, and I wanted to call out your name. But I worried that Mike would hear how excited I was, more excited than any friend would be toward another friend. Sometimes I feel so crazy when it comes to you.”
“I feel crazy too, Steph. I can’t look at you without wanting to hold your hand. Did you hear? Ms. Marshall had two girls expelled for smoking in study hall. I wonder what she’d do to us.”
Their notes were often about what was going on in their classes since they didn’t have any together. The ones that Jess especially looked forward to ended with the phrase, “I can’t wait to see you again.” It had gotten to the point that Jess didn’t think she could survive a day without getting a note from Stephanie.
Then came the weekends. Jess had convinced her parents that she now liked going to the river to pray and meditate. Since her father could find no fault with this and she was going with a female friend from church, her Saturdays were the greatest days of all. And the most terrifying.
It was the stillness that Jess feared the most when she was sitting beside Stephanie. That face, those transfixing eyes…the closeness of her was often too much for Jess. She knew from the way her friends talked at lunch…they felt these feelings for boys. She only felt them for Stephanie, concrete proof that she was different. The darkness around her, the admonitions echoed on every church billboard in town, reinforced that conclusion, reminding her that in Greens Fork “different” did not mean “good.”
The moments with Stephanie, so pure and perfect—she knew they couldn’t stay that way forever. The more rare or precious something was, the shorter its existence was on the earth. It felt like everything in this town was conspiring to turn their relationship back to some swift current where it might be swept away forever.
For the most part, she kept her worries to herself, deciding that for now she’d simply try as hard as she could to enjoy watching Stephanie smile and laugh at her as she searched for a walking stick or offered her protection f
rom the big bad bears they never saw. Some days they would simply talk for hours under the trees. Whenever they got close, though, her heart fought with everything she’d been taught since she was a child. A few times their lips had touched and the electricity between them was so great that Jess felt her body actually convulse. Once it was so intense she thought she was going to have a heart attack and die.
“Are you okay?” Stephanie asked, pulling away.
Jess couldn’t speak; she nodded a yes.
Stephanie placed her arm around her shoulders. “Am I doing that?”
“Uh-huh.”
A slow smile broke across Stephanie’s face. “You want me to stop?”
Jess shook her head, a little self-conscious, but it didn’t matter.
Stephanie shifted closer and kissed her again.
“It’s like falling…or dying.” Jess tried to describe what she had felt while they lay in the grass, looking up at the deep blue sky.
“Don’t die,” Stephanie joked.
“You know what I mean.” Sometimes Jess got embarrassed by what she’d said, and she’d become suddenly shy.
Stephanie reached out her hand to touch Jess’s, grinning, erasing her discomfort. Jess loved the lines that appeared on the sides of her eyes when she smiled. As much as Jess wished these moments would last forever, inevitably the sun would start to lower in the sky and she would have to go home.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Knowing that those who had left the cooking club were called “defectors,” sometimes Carolyn wasn’t sure if she was living in Greens Fork or communist Russia. It had made every Sunday since her dramatic departure from the club a challenge. Especially when Abilene missed not one service, but two in a row. She heard from someone in the congregation that it was the arthritis in her hip that had caused her absence. It didn’t matter. Carolyn was trying to learn to brush off what she had come to realize were the little petty dramas that would begin to rule a person’s life when they allowed a small town like Greens Fork to become their life. There was a big world out there, and the perceived snub of a woman like Abilene was so small compared to the rest of the universe.
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