She shifted her gaze to the sideline, where Stephanie was waiting with the other football cheerleaders to rush out onto the field. Jess watched her curiously. Stephanie’s excitement—was it real? She had never seemed to care much for football. She never talked about it to Jess anyway. And there she was, apparently caught up in the moment, slapping high-fives with everyone in the crowd that had rushed the field. She even joined hands with another girl, also a cheerleader, and they did matching kicks high in the air, laughing when they messed up and hit each other’s legs. To anyone watching, she appeared to be having the time of her life.
Stephanie was a cheerleader, Jess reminded herself. No matter what was going on, she had to feign excitement. But it didn’t look as though she was pretending. Doubts crept in, doubts born of not communicating as regularly anymore, of lengthy silences, of wondering what was real and what wasn’t.
Jess couldn’t shake the feeling that Stephanie was somehow using her. Everything Stephanie did seemed to align with what other girls did—the boyfriend, the always excited energy of being a cheerleader…How could she act so authentically with Mike when Jess found it nearly impossible to do the same with Alex?
Mike galloped toward Stephanie, removing his helmet and laying a long kiss on her in front of everyone. The crowd parted around them as she returned his kiss, and everyone roared their approval. As he and Stephanie kissed, Jess overheard girls in the bleachers cooing about how lucky she was. Funny, Jess thought. It seemed to her that he was the lucky one. Thoughts like this only confirmed that she was moving against prevailing currents.
After the spectacle, Kelly couldn’t wait, slinking along the rail behind Jess. “Looks like your girlfriend’s dumped you for somebody else,” she laughed, climbing down the last few stairs.
Fran trailed behind her, holding back a little. She turned and stopped. “Hey,” she said weakly, offering a smile.
“Hey.”
“I don’t believe what Kelly said.” It was as if she wanted Jess to know she wasn’t one of Kelly’s sheep, even though she was following her out of the stands.
As Jess started to leave with everyone else, she thought about what Fran had said. She didn’t believe what Kelly said, as if that were the worst, most shameful allegation in the world. And what if she discovered it was true? No more friendship with Fran.
Lisa didn’t seem to have a clue about any of this; she climbed down with a group of their teammates, some of the less judgmental ones. They waved at her, and she held up her hand the way she often did, like she was holding up her hand in class.
“Total snoozer, right?” Lisa said when she reached the rail.
“Yeah.” Jess smiled.
“I was like, why did I even bother to go? You know?”
Jess nodded. “If they wanna see a real game, they should go to ours.”
“I know, right?” Lisa was quickly whisked away by girls who couldn’t wait to get down on the field. “See ya!” she called one last time before disappearing into the swarm of people.
Jess followed the rest of the crowd, making her way down the stairs. When she reached the bottom step, Alex scooped her up and spun her around. She laughed at his unabashed giddiness, something few boys allowed themselves to show. Her arms were tight around his neck, and she joined him in this robust demonstration—partly out of spite for what she’d just witnessed and partly hoping to make Stephanie jealous.
He kissed her, a hard, aggressive kiss that held as much energy as a hurtling football. His mouth was salty, his cheeks scratchy. She pulled back.
“Congratulations!” she exclaimed. This was his night; she didn’t want to take away from that.
“Thanks.” His smile was permanently spread across his face. “Now I’m a star, like you.”
“Aw, don’t flatter yourself.” She patted his shoulder. “You’ll never be me,” she teased.
“That’s true.” He suddenly seemed shy. “Hey, a bunch of us are goin’ up to Cutter’s Ridge to…celebrate. You wanna come?”
“I can’t. I, uh, gotta get back home.” Seeing his crestfallen expression, she added, “Sorry. That’s the downside of datin’ a preacher’s daughter.”
“It’s okay.” Although he was disappointed, he’d never defy the reverend. “Can I drive you home?”
“Nah, you got celebrating to do.” She looked out at the wild scene on the field. “I’ve got a ride,” she lied. She would try to get her brother to take her home, although she’d hardly seen him tonight. As a senior, he had to sit on the very top bleacher with the other senior boys and snicker at everyone below. It was kind of a tradition.
“You sure?” Alex asked.
“Yeah. I’m sure. Just don’t celebrate with some other girl, ’kay?” She smiled.
He drew her closer. “I love you,” he said.
She couldn’t say it back. She kept smiling at him, but she just couldn’t say those words. Not to him. He squeezed her tightly, then ran back to his teammates, who couldn’t wait to pour assorted beverages on his head.
She watched a moment, drowning again under a wave of guilt. It was his night, but she couldn’t be a part of it, not the way he wanted.
Jess meandered through the parking lot, looking for the family pickup. Instead she found Stephanie and Mike, who were still kissing and nuzzling. It was now obvious. Stephanie had lied to her.
Jess broke into a run, trying to get as far as she could from the stadium and from a final look in their direction, when Stephanie suddenly noticed her.
Convenient, wasn’t it? Jess thought bitterly. Her suggesting that each of them “pretend” to love their boyfriends for appearances. Only for Stephanie, it didn’t look like it was only for appearances. She laughed hysterical, bitter laughter as an icy cold sensation surged through her veins and ran faster, tears filling her eyes, unable to see where she was going. She swiped at her face, running toward blurry darkness. She gave no thought to Danny or to the many miles between the stadium and her house. Nothing practical or logical mattered tonight, only the shaky status of her heart, which seemed to have betrayed her.
Stephanie had it all planned. How perfect, to pretend it was to protect them, when all along she probably enjoyed the things that she did with Mike. Jess didn’t want to imagine it. She couldn’t outrun the humiliation, but she was going to try.
Chapter Fifty-Four
Jess made it as far as the parking area at P.J.’s hardware store before admitting to herself that it might take her all night and part of the next day to get home on foot. Of course the place was closed. The lights from the stadium were still illuminating the night sky in the distance, but downtown Greens Fork, what there was of it, was a ghost town tonight.
She bent over to catch her breath, her breathing so loud she didn’t hear the rumbling engine growing louder behind her. Stephanie managed to put her car in park before leaving it, the engine and lights still on, and running toward Jess.
“Jess!” she screamed. “Jess!”
Slowly, Jess turned around, and the ragged, distraught image she saw coming toward her was nearly enough to allay her deepest fears and doubts. But she planted her feet, her face hard.
“Jess…”
“You found me.” She shrugged, then leaned against the brick wall, trying to mask her trembling. As if it were no big deal that she was in the middle of the nearly deserted town.
“Jess.” Stephanie came closer still, until she was face to face with her.
“That was quite a kiss,” Jess managed in a low, restrained voice. By now she’d regained her breath and was simply staring at Stephanie in a way that warned—and asked—“What else are you going to do to me?” She couldn’t take any more from her. As strong as Jess thought she could be, this girl made her feel surprisingly fragile.
“What do you mean?” Stephanie asked, then caught herself. “Oh, you mean…back there?”
“Yeah, back there,” Jess mocked. “You know, you almost had me believing everything, all that stuff about keeping o
ur boyfriends ’cause of how it looks. You must’ve been laughin’ at me the whole time.”
Stephanie shook her head in disbelief.
“You wanted a boyfriend too,” Jess continued. “You got both of us, didn’t you?”
“Get in the car,” Stephanie said.
“Hell, no.”
“Don’t be your usual pigheaded self. Get in the car!” She turned to open the passenger side door.
“Why would I go anywhere with you?” Jess was defiant. Never mind that she had no other options for getting home. She glanced at the miles of thick forest waiting for her in the direction of her house. “I’ll take my chances out here, even if I do get eaten by a bear.”
Stephanie grabbed her arm and, with less effort than she expected, was able to get Jess to follow her to the car.
“Hey,” Jess snapped, unhooking her arm from Stephanie’s hand. “I know it looks like Deliverance out there, but I’d rather deal with it than go anywhere with you.”
Stephanie tilted her head. “Are you kidding?”
“Why should I?” Jess asked.
“Because you’re wrong.” Stephanie seemed earnest, but the image of her kissing Mike in front of the crowd was hard to erase.
Jess paced in front of the passenger door as Stephanie watched her incredulously. Deciding it was too long a hike to get home, Jess reluctantly got in. They rode in silence, Jess’s mind whirling so much she didn’t realize until it was too late that Stephanie was not taking her home, but instead, to her own house in town.
“I wanna go home,” Jess said like a spoiled child.
“Just come in for a minute. Please?” Stephanie pleaded. “I want you to hear me out, and I’ll take you back. Promise.”
Jess sat with arms crossed, considering her options. She resented having to depend on Stephanie for a ride. She considered staying in the car, not budging, so she’d be forced to bring her home. Her irrational mind, on the other hand, wanted to spend any extra time with her that she could. Irrationality won. She finally got out, but she made sure to keep her gloomy demeanor as obvious as possible. She had to let this girl know how much she’d hurt her.
* * *
There were no lights on as Stephanie unlocked the door to her house. They went inside and Stephanie didn’t turn on the light. She simply went into the living room, threw down her cheerleading jacket on the couch, her back to Jess.
“Where’s your mom?” Jess asked.
“She won’t be home for a while.”
“Where is she?” Jess asked.
“She’s out for a while,” Stephanie repeated. “Trust me.”
“Yeah, trust you.” Jess leaned against the wall with her arms folded. “That was some show you put on.”
Stephanie turned toward her, the streetlight from the window illuminating her shiny eyes filled with tears. “You have no idea how hard it’s been for me.” Her voice cracked.
“It looked real hard.” Though she seemed sincere, Jess knew she had to be careful. The image of her in Mike’s arms…That kiss looked too real to be fake. It cut to the heart of Jess’s deepest fear—that Stephanie didn’t return her feelings the same way, that it was all just a fairytale.
“You are so stubborn!” Stephanie, exasperated, was coming closer, wiping her eyes.
“I know what I saw,” Jess said. “I wish I didn’t.” She also saw what appeared to be real tears in Stephanie’s eyes. But she was still confused.
“You have no idea,” Stephanie kept saying, her voice hoarse. “You have no…”
“I wish I could believe you,” Jess said.
“Believe this.” Stephanie cradled her face in both hands, her lips melting with Jess’s, her kiss deepening in the quiet near-darkness of the room. It was a kiss that could almost convince her…
When they parted, Jess looked away. She had been tormented by one thought. It was Stephanie’s idea to continue the deception of fake relationships. It begged the question: How deceitful is Stephanie Greer?
“Why did you follow me?” Jess asked.
“I was worried about you.”
She backed up, pressing herself against the wall like a timid animal that was being threatened. “I saw that kiss. Everyone did.”
Stephanie closed her eyes. “It was so stupid,” she said. “The whole thing…seemed like a good idea at the time. I should never have asked you to do that.”
“Have a boyfriend?”
Stephanie nodded. “I was so afraid for you, for us. Can you forgive me?” Stephanie reached up and caressed her face, her eyes fixed on Jess in a way that let her know she’d been as tortured as she was. For Jess, there was some comfort in that.
A slight breeze blew through a nearby window, sending shivers through Jess, as she touched Stephanie’s face. She let her fingertips play down her skin, from her brow to her throat where her top shirt button was undone. It was like something from her dreams. But the nagging uncertainty remained. Stephanie’s arms tightened around her back, and Jess just held on, not knowing where the ride would take her. Tonight she didn’t care, even if it was to a painful place. Their hearts pounded so fast pressed against each other; that was real.
Stephanie kissed her again. Only this time…her kiss held something surprising, something that Jess had never expected. She was begging Jess not to hurt her.
“If what I did tonight caused me to lose you, I think I’d die.” She held Jess’s hand against her heart.
Jess stared at her wide-eyed, overwhelmed by the show of emotion. She shook her head slowly. “You didn’t lose me,” she whispered back.
Stephanie reached out her hand and led Jess upstairs to her room. The moments that followed were a blur, where all Jess could feel was her own pounding heartbeat.
* * *
Outside her bedroom door, Stephanie stopped and turned to her. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want—”
Jess came forward and kissed her, backing her into the room. She whispered, “I’m not afraid.” The door closed behind them.
Stephanie sat on her bed and reached for her, an unreadable expression on her face. Jess had never seen her look like this before. As she joined her on the bed, pressing her lips to Stephanie’s, she realized that even in her daydreams, she’d never moved beyond a kiss. Suddenly embarrassed, she wrapped her arms around Stephanie’s neck and whispered, “I don’t know what else to do.”
She felt Stephanie smile against her cheek, and she took Jess’s hands from around her own neck and held them, pulling back.
“Don’t stop,” Jess insisted, grateful that Stephanie couldn’t see her red, burning face in the dark of the room.
While it was true that Jess had been dealt a heavy dose of warnings about sin at home, especially anything involving activities below the waist, she herself had, in her most private moments, experimented under the covers. She knew how to give herself pleasure, but she hadn’t broadened her thoughts about what she did to herself to what she might do with Stephanie. Maybe the fear of fire and eternal hell had prohibited any R-rated thoughts from entering her mind.
Stephanie unbuttoned her shirt and, taking one of Jess’s hands, led her underneath its fabric to touch one of her breasts over what felt like satin and lace. Jess never wore anything with lace, but it felt nice, as she moved her hand ever so carefully over the mound of flesh. Her sharp intake of breath led Stephanie to take her hand away.
“Are you okay?” Stephanie asked. The moonlight bathed her face in glowing, soft light, giving her an aura of glamour.
“I…” Jess couldn’t form words at the moment.
Stephanie softly kissed along her neck, letting her hands move lightly over Jess’s shirt, giving special attention to the curves along her chest. Jess arched her neck, moaning with pleasure she’d never known or imagined possible. She’d always felt pretty good about her athletic body, with its curves in all the right places. She didn’t like undressing at school because of the watchful eyes of all the gossiping girls, but here, in this mo
ment, she felt like she would be fine—if she didn’t die from excitement first.
Just when she’d begun to feel a throbbing between her legs, Stephanie pulled away. She never let go of Jess’s hands, playfully lacing her fingers through hers.
“How do you know what to do?” Jess asked.
“I don’t.”
“You could’ve fooled me.”
Stephanie smiled. “You think I’m lyin’?”
“You must’ve practiced on some Nashville girl.”
Stephanie laughed out loud. “Will you quit that?”
“I bet everyone was after you.”
Stephanie quieted her with a finger over her lips, her gaze heavy. Then her deliberate kiss…Jess lost herself in these endless moments, of silk and lace, tracing the lines of her, feeling her softness, so much beauty it made her weak. When Jess started to unzip her jeans, Stephanie stopped her.
Jess felt embarrassed, humiliated. She didn’t want more of her?
“I think we should stop,” Stephanie said softly.
Shivering with waves of pleasure, Jess let out a sigh, an audible ache. “Why?”
Stephanie lowered her face, nearly whispering in her ear. “I don’t want to do anything you’ll hate me for.”
“I won’t hate you.” Jess was practically begging.
Stephanie moved her hands over her shoulders, closing her shirt a little. “I thought about you a lot…over the years.”
Jess was suddenly shy again. “Years? I was sure you’d forgotten me.”
“No way.”
“I love you, you know.” Jess said it almost casually, as she made sure every last button on Stephanie’s shirt was buttoned. She was brave and certain tonight. She knew what she wanted, knew that she was a different kind of girl and that would have to be okay. She wasn’t afraid of how she felt anymore. It was the most liberating feeling she’d had since the first time she’d dribbled a basketball.
Southern Girl Page 26
