by Josiah Upton
“Of course not.”
“Even if there was something really wrong with me? What if I was... what if I was a monster?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, uh,” I search for the words, panicked. Why did I say something like that? I look at the elephant, at its gray skin. “I mean... what if I were actually an elephant?”
“An elephant?” she says with a giggle, tucking her stubborn hair back again. Elephants were a bad comparison. “Are you trying to tell me something, Zaul? That you're a pachyderm in disguise? Well, even if you were, I think you'd be a nice one. And elephants aren't monsters.”
“But they can be dangerous. They can hurt and kill, if provoked.”
“Oh,” she says, looking down at her feet. “Is this about what you did to Dalton? Getting pissed at a jerk and teaching him a lesson doesn't necessarily make you a monster, it just means you feel strongly about things. Maybe you just need some anger management sessions or something.”
“No, I wasn't talking about that,” I say, frustrated. I was so stupid to bring this up in the first place. And elephants? I should just keep my mouth shut. “Never mind.”
“Whatever issues you have, whatever made you snap, I don't think you're a monster.” She puts her hand on my shoulder and rubs it. It sends a sensation across my body, one that I enjoy, but it isn't like the Lust that Vicky's touch riles within me. It is a good and contented feeling, but there's still a sense of excitement. It's hard to dissect. But before I can enjoy it much longer, her hand falls away. “I'm not so sure about myself, though.”
“You think you are a monster?” I ask.
“Well no, not right now. But I won't always be like this. Did my dad tell you about my hormone therapy?” I nod, somewhat uncomfortable that we're talking about this. “He says my body is starting to resist the treatment, and that he's surprised it has worked this long. It'll be a miracle if I even graduate. Every day, for the past five or so years, has been a borrowed one. But now, time seems to be running even thinner. I can't stay a child forever. One of these days, the clock will stop ticking, and everything I know will be gone. Do you have any idea how that feels?”
“No,” I lie, although to be honest I can't really remember the days when I felt like that, so it is as if it never happened.
“It's terrible. That's why I get depressed so much, because there is no hope in my life. No light at the end of the tunnel. Remember what I said on the bus, about Hybrids being people too? I know deep inside that isn't entirely true. Normal, everyday people aren't like that. If I'm unlucky enough to wake up, that's what I have to look forward to. Maybe it would be better if I just stayed... asleep.”
At that moment, without warning, Genny puts her foot on the lowest rail of the wooden barricade, standing up and making herself a foot taller than I am. “What are you doing?”
“I wonder what it would be like to pet an elephant.” She climbs the next rail, and the next, getting higher until her right leg is slung over and she is straddling the top of the barricade. This is very dangerous, bordering on suicidal.
My hand instinctively grabs her ankle to stop her, but my grip is too tight because she winces and faces me. I loosen my hold but still don't let go, shaking my head. Her eyes are glazed and empty. “Why should you care what happens to me? Why should I or my dad or anybody care? I'm already dead, Zaul.”
Death – it's what I live everyday, and yet everyday I still live. But something so contradictory can hardly be understood firsthand, let alone explained to someone else. I let go of her ankle and take a few steps back, my hands up in the air. “But you're alive right now.”
Her eyes flinch as the wind blows her hair around her face. She looks off into the distance, to the great gray beasts, and beyond them. “After today, I don't think I'll ever be back here. I'll never see another elephant again, or a monkey, or zebra, or giraffe.” I look nervously side to side, grateful that no one is around to see this. If Mr. Neal found out about this, he would separate us for sure.
“There's a lot of things I'll never do,” Genny continues to muse. “I'd like to go south, down to Mexico, maybe further. See if the outside world is as horrible as everyone here says it is. But that will never happen. I won't even get to leave Pueblo. I'll never grow up, or have a career or a family. I'll never...” She pauses, looks to me with a grim smile. “I'll never have my first kiss.”
The human act of kissing, the pressing of lips together, makes no sense to my Prisoner. To him, the only time lips should touch the flesh of another is when devouring it. I've never kissed somebody, except perhaps my parents before I turned into a Hybrid Reanimate, and I don't think that is the kind Genny is talking about. She's still looking at me, that strange expression on her face, like she's waiting for me to do something...
No. No way. I cannot do that. Getting that close to a Hybrid's mouth would be more foolish than running over and kicking that elephant right in its gigantic foot. I would do anything in my power to help check off all the things from her wish list before she dies, but I cannot kiss her. It's too risky.
My hesitation causes Genny to blush, and she turns away from me. I feel something unpleasant stir inside. I realize I was staring at her lips, and now that I can't see them, I miss them. Maybe such an act, as dangerous as it is, isn't just for her fulfillment. Maybe it's for my enjoyment, too. I place a hand on her chin and gently turn her face towards mine, locking my eyes on her lips again. They look soft, parted slightly as warm air moves in and out between them. The whole time I was going over all the reasons why I can't do something like that, I neglected to think why she wanted to – why she wanted to with me.
Is she looking for more than just friendship? For a monster like myself to be concerned with friendship is laughable, and anything beyond that is totally absurd. But the notion of a human girl actually wanting me to kiss her gives a sensation that I've never felt before, and I strangely find myself wanting what she wants. I never thought something like this would happen, and Gibbs definitely didn't train me on it.
I move closer to her, and as she leans in, the Prisoner lunges against his cell doors, all his attention held by the moments unfolding. No, I tell him. Right now, I am a human. You will not ruin this for me.
Her eyes close. I should do the same, shouldn't I? I feel her hand rest on my shoulder. The Prisoner barks, I yell at him again. Just when her face is inches from mine, her weight shifts and she falls from the railing, colliding with me and bringing us both to the ground. The moment is ruined, but she doesn't seem to mind, because she's laughing hysterically as she lays in the crook of my arm. Though disappointed at first, I start to laugh too.
On my back, my eyes are blinded by the sun standing over us. Her head comes into view, and blocks the light so I can see. As my eyes refocus they find her face again, which smiles for a second longer, but then shifts to a curious expression. Her fingers appear and lightly touch my forehead, causing me to flinch, just when I realize what the problem is: I see a smudge of my makeup on her face, where it collided with mine.
The same thing happened on that day Gordon drove me home, only I was lucky enough for it to go unnoticed then. But here in this bright sunlight, with Genny just inches from my face, touching it with her fingers, there is no running and hiding. My secret is revealed.
She inhales sharply and recoils her hand, then moves it to my shirt's collar and pulls it down, observing the gray skin and dark blue veins that reside beneath. And if that wasn't enough proof, she quickly grabs my wig and tugs up on it, confirming what she fears. I'm not exactly sure what's going on behind those frantic eyes, but it probably has something to do with almost kissing a monster.
“Zaul, you're, you're...” Before I can respond, she springs to her feet and bolts in the opposite direction. My light and warmth is gone, never to return. I'm all alone again.
Chapter 27
It's all over. Most likely Genny is informing zoo security that a Hybrid Reanimate disguised as a human is loos
e in the park. And even if she isn't, even if she forever keeps quiet about my horrible secret, our short friendship is effectively destroyed. All purpose in my life left when she ran from me.
Habit bids me to find the nearest restroom and fix my makeup, but I don't. There's no point to that now. There's no reason for me to continue this charade anymore. Just as Genny didn't suspect she'd ever find herself back here after today, I don't think I'll ever be leaving. This zoo is where the cruel joke on my life comes to an end. It's time for lunch.
The map, which tears as I rip it out of my pocket, is harder to read now that I'm letting my Prisoner take more control. He thinks that if I'm going to throw it all away, why not have the final meal that I've always denied myself? I refuse, and refocus as I scan the map in my hand. The different animal exhibits read like a menu, with the fare ranging from probably disgusting to potentially interesting.
In the end I stick with what I know, and pinpoint the location of hogs, in an area made to replicate a farm. I've only eaten their butchered remains before, but this time I'm going to devour them alive. The human side of me is horrified by the thought, but the Reanimate part, the Prisoner taking over, squeals with delight. This is going to get messy.
I make my way towards the pig enclosure, when a distinctive sound catches my ear. It's something that feels so familiar, and yet is very difficult to identify. I hear it again, and it sounds like a disgusting mix between a human scream and the howl of a great beast. It is immediately followed by the raucous reaction from a crowd nearby. I must be close to the Hybrid Reanimate exhibit. I continue down my path to the pigs, but when I hear it again I stop, unable to ignore what sounds so much like pleas. It's like they're calling out to me. The hogs will have to wait.
Long before I can see the exhibit I encounter the densely packed mob of humans waiting to get a glimpse of the monsters. I don't have the patience they do. I start pushing them aside, quite easily, and though they protest none of them stop me. A few of their eyes even land on the spot of my forehead where my true gray skin is revealed, yet no one does or says anything. It would be too hard to believe that a Hybrid Reanimate is among them instead of inside a cage.
With time, and much effort spent ignoring my Prisoner's cries to feed, I emerge into a clearing a few yards away from a large glass structure, held together by a metal frame. The top is capped with a sloped roof, to make the exhibit resemble a house. Inside are two figures, naked except for collars around their necks, shambling around their two isolated compartments. separated by a wall. I can't see them perfectly, but I instantly know what they are. They're what society hates, and yet is morbidly intrigued by. They are the bastard children of nightmare and nature, horror and science. They are monsters that are too human, and yet not human enough. They're like me.
“As you can see, Coco over here is not interested in the movie playing on her screen.” An employee stands in front of the glass cage and speaks into a microphone, acting as a zoological educator for everyone looking on. He walks back and forth across the stage, and the female Hybrid tracks his every move. He stops to tap a rhythm on the glass, and she pounds it back to him. “The Hybrid Reanimate brain isn't as useless as their century-old ancestors', as they can mimic basic actions. But their level of mental functioning is still far below that of a human like you or me. Watch this.”
The zoo guide reaches his hand inside a bucket and retrieves a red ball. He moves it from side to side in front of the glass, and the Hybrid female tracks its movement. He puts it up to the glass, and she tries to grab it, scraping at the transparent surface. Unable to grab the ball, she gets frustrated and slams her fist against the glass. Everyone laughs.
The guide then tosses the ball up and down and her head nods as she tries to keep track of it. The ball goes higher and higher, until it lands on top of the enclosure's roof and is no longer visible to her. She screams and jumps, trying to find it, until it rolls off and lands at his feet. The gray skin on her face morphs into a goofy type of grin, and lets out a strange chuckle. It's hard to believe that I once acted like this.
But before the crowd is too taken by her display of near-humanity, the guide hides the red ball behind his back, and she howls violently, pounding her fists against the glass. Everyone recoils in disgust, and several murmurs circulate, with the words “monstrous” and “barbaric” thrown in. The red ball comes back into view, but her smile doesn't. She looks back and forth between it and him, her mouth slack and her fingers curling against the see-through barrier. Suddenly, he tosses the ball to the side, and she tries to chase after it, but stops cold as she slams into the glass wall on her left. She moans, and people laugh again.
“But what is most astonishing about the Hybrid Reanimate species is their almost non-existent self-control.”
As the guide walks over to the other side of the stage, I think about how he labeled Hybrid Reanimates as their own species. I always thought they were humans, just with a terrible condition, but apparently not. The more my kind are viewed as animals, the easier people feel about treating them as such. Genny was right about this exhibit – it's meant to instill fear and hatred. But the appearance of Genny in my thoughts instills aching and sorrow in me. And if I can experience that, then surely these poor trapped beings can.
My attention shifts to the other side of the enclosure, where a Hybrid male is bloodied from the devouring of a recent meal. In fact, he's still gnawing on a bone when the guide bangs on the glass. The Hybrid's head whips up, his dead and white eyes inspecting the source of the sound. “Just like the original Reanimates from The End, the Hybrid craves raw animal flesh, particularly human flesh. Of course, Sonny here is on a steady diet of beef and pork. But unlike their predecessors, they also crave something else.”
He presses a button on a remote control, and the image on the screen behind the Hybrid male switches to a voluptuous woman dancing in very little clothing. The guide taps on the window, then points to the screen, and the Hybrid notices the change of visual stimulus. He drops the bone and slowly steps toward the television suspended in the high corner of his glass room. At first he shakes, then starts to grunt, then begins to reach up at the screen desperately. Is this what I would act like if I gave into the Lust?
“Researchers from the Agency of Postmortem Anomalies are still unsure why Hybrids engage in sexual behavior, as they are unable to reproduce. One theory is that it's a way to spread the Hubrens virus to humans, the precursor to the Hybrid condition. Another theory is it's a mechanism simply carried over from their previous life within the human species, especially since the Phase II transformation occurs during puberty, when libido is sometimes viewed as hyperactive.”
The guide raises the remote control in the air, his finger poised over one of its buttons. “Obviously this guy won't be getting lucky anytime soon, not with a TV screen, at least. Should we introduce him to a friend?”
While the eager crowd cheers on, the word “friend” causes a sharp pain in my chest. Genny wanted me with her at this exhibit, so she wouldn't be alone when everyone mocks the Hybrids that she seems to have compassion for. But where is she now? I scan the faces behind me, and the backs of the heads in front of me, and I can't find her. She ran away as soon as she found out just what I was. So much for that compassion.
“Are you sure? This could get a little intense.” The crowd cheers him on again. They want to see the monsters being monsters, doing monstrous things. I've never been to the zoo, but this seems like a strange form of entertainment that doesn't belong. It seems wrong.
He pushes the button, and the wall dividing the two Hybrid Reanimates comes down. It takes them a moment, but they each notice the wall's disappearance, sticking their noses up and sniffing as they sense the shift in the air. Their dragging feet slowly take them to the new doorway, the source of the change, until they stand staring across from each other.
“Hybrid Reanimates have no interest in eating each other, but they are known for engaging in strong physical interact
ion, be it fighting or copulating – often a mixture of the two. Guests with young children may want to avert their attention for this next part.”
The male reaches his hand out to the female, and she grunts and slaps it away, which angers him. He pushes her back into her “room” and follows her inside, arms outstretched and greedy. She growls and strikes him in the face, and pushes him back where he came from.
“It seems like Coco is not interested in Sonny's advances. This may lead you to believe that the Hybrid female does not seek out carnal gratification, but this is a common misconception. Just like the average human, the Hybrid male is typically more motivated by copulation than the female, but that doesn't mean she is a prudish old maid. In fact, during yesterday’s demonstration, he couldn't keep her hands off of him!”
Sonny continues to chase Coco around their mock-home, while the crowd bursts into another fit of laughter. The sound of their chuckles sickens me. This isn't something that should be put on display, to be laughed at. These things are more human than people want to believe, because I can imagine myself in there and I know I wouldn't want strangers observing my life so cynically, especially not this part of it. I've just about had enough of this exhibit.
After a few more minutes pass the male corners the female, the Lust in his eyes. As he closes in, the “civilized” humans around me cheering him on, she gives one final strike across his face, which sends him to the ground. She opens her mouth, and, very unmistakably, screams, “STOP!!!” The audience falls silent, many of them probably not expecting these monsters to verbally express conscious thought. She turns to the glass barrier, facing them all. “GO AWAY!” she growls, pounding on the glass. “GO AWAY!”
