‘You think?’
‘I know.’
They are silent.
‘Has he been in touch?’
‘He’s emailed a few times. I haven’t replied.’
‘I’m impressed.’
‘Are you?’
He doesn’t know. He has no idea why he made that remark.
‘If he’d got in touch that first week, I’d have folded. I was stupid, missing him so much, thinking of him all the time, wanting to tell him the smallest things, Googling him, reading his CV, and trying not to contact him to slag him when I found out he was into wrestling. But I heard nothing from him. And managed not to get in touch. When he did, I was stronger.’ She looks down at her drink. Her voice quietens. ‘But if I saw him again, I’d crumble.’
‘Do you love him?’
‘Love,’ she says, her voice soft.
They’re quiet for a moment.
‘It’s like an addiction, like craving something that’s bad for you. The only solution is to go cold turkey.’
‘Couldn’t you keep in touch, just stay friends?’ He thinks of Louise, and knows he’s talking crap.
‘No.’
‘So that’s it then?’
‘I don’t want to be the Other Woman, hanging around for the scraps from someone’s table.’ She pauses. ‘And I never want to care for anyone the way I cared for Owen.’
So she hasn’t got over him, despite how it looked in Cambridge. ‘What’re you going to do now?’ he asks, caring very much.
‘Divorce Owen. Get on with my life. Look after myself for a change, do what I want to do. I’m going back to college.’
‘You are?’
She smiles. ‘I’m going to become a counsellor. The agony aunt thing is fine. It’s an income, and I’ll keep it up, but it’s not enough. With Jenna at school and Jason gone…’
‘How is Jason?’ He feels bad for not being in touch.
‘Doing well. They both are. I’m taking him out for the day on Saturday…’ She hesitates. ‘… If you’d like to come?’
‘That’d be great.’ His relationship with Jason is one of the few things he hasn’t messed up. He wants to keep it that way.
‘Then it’s a date.’ She takes a drink. And for a while there is nothing to say. ‘You heard from Samantha?’ she asks eventually.
‘I emailed her the other day to thank her. Her advice on breaking bad news really helped.’
‘Really? That’s great.’
‘Well, I’ve managed it once, so I’m hopeful.’
She smiles. Then asks after Samantha.
‘She’s feeling a bit more energetic. Optimistic.’
‘God, remember the night she thought I was taking the piss? I nearly died.’
He thinks back. None of them really knew each other then. ‘In some ways, I miss it, the course, the way we were all in it together.’
‘Me too. But at least you’ve Louise. I’d to come home to an empty house.’
His chin juts out. ‘We broke up.’
‘Oh, God, Rory. I’m sorry.’ She puts her drink down.
‘I asked her to marry me,’ he says, eyes wide, staring at nothing. ‘She turned me down. She doesn’t want that life. She doesn’t want a family.’
She reaches out and touches his arm. ‘I’m so sorry.’
He spends a sleepless night trying to decide what to do about his attacker. He switches from one side of the argument to the other – do the identification parade, don’t do it. He had left all this behind him. He doesn’t want to go back. He wants this guy put away, of course he does, but enough to risk facing him again and the consequences that might result? Then he thinks of people like Orla going in and out of the flats. And decides.
When he calls to the station for the identification parade, O’Neill comes out to him straight away and asks him to come inside to an interview room. Rory senses that something is up.
‘I’m afraid we’ve had to cancel the identification parade,’ O’Neill says once they are seated.
‘Why?’ Now that Rory has decided, he is gung-ho.
‘Our suspect won’t agree to it. He had, but changed his mind at the last minute.’
‘Sorry. I’m confused. Are you saying that he gets a choice?’
There is a weariness to the policeman when he nods. ‘By law, we can only do an identification parade if the suspect is willing.’
‘But what guilty person would agree to an identification parade?’
‘It’s been known to happen.’
‘So that’s it?’
‘Well.’ O’Neill takes a deep breath. ‘There is another possibility.’
Rory isn’t hopeful.
‘You could happen to see him somewhere and informally identify him.’
‘Where would I see him?’
‘He collects the dole on Wednesday mornings.’
‘Are you saying you want me to go to the dole offices in the hope that I’ll see him?’ There is the issue of work. There is the issue of looking suspicious loitering around the dole office all morning. And there is the issue of seeing him again, in the flesh.
‘We’d wait with you in an unmarked car outside the dole offices. He’s desperate for cash so he’ll show early. When he does, all you’d have to do is say to me, “That’s the fellow who attacked me.” That will give us enough to arrest him.’
‘There and then?’
‘My partner would follow him, you’d head off and we’d arrest him on his way out.’
‘And that’s the only way?’
‘It’s our only way of identifying him, yes.’
Rory sighs. ‘OK.’
‘Good,’ the guard says. ‘I’ll call you Tuesday and we’ll go through everything.’
Rory nods. Gets up. Shakes the guard’s hand – again. He’ll be relieved when he never has to see him again.
22
Rory, Orla, Jenna and Lieutenant Dan arrive at the flats to collect Jason. Rory suggests that the dog stay behind to guard Orla’s Volvo Estate. It is two weeks after the date she’d arranged to take Jason out, Naomi having cancelled twice. Rory views this with suspicion. He expects to be greeted by a defensive, jittery, strung-out woman. He doesn’t want to think about the state Jason might be in. He says nothing. On the surface, he is calm.
When Naomi answers the door, Rory notices the difference immediately. She is holding herself straighter, hair neatly tied back, the dark line at the centre gone. Her face is not so gaunt, eyes not so empty. By some miracle, she has stayed clean.
He hangs back, lets Orla do the talking. Naomi seems more comfortable on home ground. The gentle suspicion that seemed to hang between the two women has eased, though Rory notices that they are not being invited in.
Jason appears behind Naomi having been ‘in the Jacks’. Already he has grown his hair longer. Even his face looks different to Rory. Has he moved on, forgotten them? Does he want them here at all? Orla doesn’t seem to have any such reservations, warmly embracing him. When he hugs her back equally tightly, resting his head against her, Rory begins to relax. Jenna, who insisted on the visit being arranged when she was home, raises her hand for a high five. Jason smacks it on target, as if they’ve been doing it all their lives. He stops. Looks at Rory. Who instantly feels guilty.
‘How’s it going?’ Jason says this in a man’s voice. But there is something awkward about him, a new shyness reserved for Rory.
What can he say? There is no excuse good enough. He gives Jason a light punch on the shoulder. ‘It’s good to see you, Jason.’
The boy smiles and seems to relax. ‘Where’s Lieutenant Dan?’
‘Waiting for you in the car,’ Rory says.
The plan is McDonald’s followed by a movie. First though, some time with Lieutenant Dan. It’s a short drive to the wooded hill that is popular with residents of South Dublin for walking their dogs. Sunlight pierces through luminous green leaves in shafts. The undergrowth is sprinkled with bluebells. Rory, Orla and Jenna stick to the na
rrow path. Jason has other ideas. In among the trees he charges, Lieutenant Dan in hot and barking pursuit. Jenna follows, then her mum and uncle. Jason finds a knobbly old stick and fights an imaginary enemy. He scampers up on a fallen tree and walks along it, arms out to balance, cheeks rosy, eyes sparkling. And Rory knows he was wrong about him growing up and moving on. He hasn’t changed at all.
‘What’s that woman doing?’ Jason asks, pointing through the trees.
They follow his finger.
‘Hugging a tree,’ Orla says.
‘Gawd. Sicko. What’s she doing that for?’
‘She’s getting in tune with nature,’ says Jenna, sarcastically.
‘Wha’?’
‘It makes her feel good,’ says Rory. ‘Let’s try.’
‘No way,’ says Jason.
Orla goes up to a very tall pine and wraps her arms around it. Her fingers barely meet. Rory selects another tree. And tries not to laugh.
‘Feel anything?’ he asks Orla.
‘Yeah, dumb,’ says Jason, who has clung to the opposite side of Orla’s tree.
‘You look it,’ says Jenna, who is standing watching them, arms folded. But smiling.
When nothing happens apart from their arms tiring, one by one they let go.
For the rest of the day Rory finds answers to the many questions he has regarding Jason. No, he hasn’t got too thin. At McDonald’s he doesn’t stow away food. He is non-stop chat, raving about Munster winning the European Cup in rugby, and declaring that Peter Stringer is the best player in the whole world – even if he isn’t a Dub. He is, it appears, happy.
‘Have we time for a knock around before I go home?’ he asks Rory, as they walk into the cinema.
Rory pulls a doubtful face. After the movie they’re meant to bring him straight home. ‘Next time,’ he says.
Jason’s eyes light up. There’s going to be a next time.
Waiting for the movie to start, Jenna pulls out her portable chess set. Jason grins. ‘Prepare to die.’
On their way back to the flats, Jason and Jenna are chatting in the back of the car.
‘Guess wha’?’ Jason says. ‘Me ma’s got a new job.’
Rory looks at him through the rear-view mirror.
‘In Louise’s flower shop,’ he continues.
‘Louise?’ Rory asks.
‘Yep.’
Rory glances at Orla, expecting her to share his surprise. She has developed a sudden interest in what’s happening outside the car.
‘Since when?’ he asks Jason, looking at Orla again.
‘I dunno. Two weeks. Something like that, anyways.’
Rory’s mind is racing. How did this come about? Naomi and Louise met once. At the party. That’s it! The party. Did Naomi use the fact that Louise was pleasant to her to approach her for a job? If so, it is he who put Louise in that position. ‘So, your mum asked Louise for a job?’
‘No, sure she didn’t even want it.’
‘So, Louise offered her the job?’ Rory is baffled.
‘Yeah, what’s wrong with that?’
‘Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. I’m just wondering how it happened, that’s all.’
‘Louise came to see me ma.’ He sounds bored. ‘She said she was stuck and that Ma’d be brilliant. I said she would too. But Mam said she didn’t know nothing about flowers. Louise said it was real easy, like, and she’d show her. Mam still said no. Then Louise asked her to give it a try for a week, like, and see.’
‘And now she works there every day?’
‘Yeah, but only when I’m in school.’
‘I see.’
‘After school Mam learns me about flowers. Louise gives her these books, see, and we do get more in the libree. They’re real good. Nice pictures and all. And on the telly we watch all the gardening programmes, Mam and me. We do lotsa stuff since she started working. And she gets up every day. And brushes her hair and she even puts on makeup. She walks me to school an’ all. But d’you know the best thing? If she says any curses, even “God”, she has to give me twenty cents. I tried a euro but she hasn’t got as much money as yous but that’s OK ’cos she curses a lot.’
‘You knew, didn’t you?’ Rory says to Orla, as soon as Jenna has gone up to her room. They’re in the kitchen and Orla is putting on the kettle.
‘Louise rang me for Naomi’s address.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I thought you were trying to move on from Louise.’
‘I am.’
‘Well then, I’m not exactly going to bring her up, am I?’
‘You could have told me that.’
‘I thought it would come up sooner or later. Now it has.’
‘I don’t know how you can be so cool about it.’
‘Cool about what?’
‘Louise employing a drug addict.’
‘A reformed drug addict. Named Naomi.’
‘Yes, and she seems to be doing well. But hardly reformed. She’s only been off drugs weeks. She went back once. What if she does again? What if she’s desperate for money and there’s Louise’s till right in front of her?’
Orla puts down the teapot. ‘If everyone thought like that people like Naomi would never get a break.’
‘She’s an addict.’ And he knows from experience that they can’t be trusted.
‘So condemn her,’ Orla says, losing patience. ‘Don’t, whatever you do, give her a second chance. I thought you wanted to be a father, Rory.’
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’
‘What would you do if your kids turned to drugs? Just dismiss them?’
‘Of course not.’ But he’d make damn sure they never touched the stuff.
‘People rise to the responsibility they are given,’ Orla says.
Rory can’t see the guy who stabbed him rising to anything. ‘Why take the risk?’
Orla’s voice fills with anger. ‘People make mistakes, Rory. They get caught up in something that’s bigger than them and they can’t get out. Louise knows what that’s like. No one was there for her mother. This is something she can do, wants to do.’ She pauses. ‘And it’s working out.’
‘Are you in touch with her?’
‘No. But I am with Naomi. And all you have to do is look at her to see the turnaround.’
He’ll give her that.
‘She needed someone to have faith in her, Rory, and something to be proud of. She needed to get out of that bloody flat. This job is giving her so much. Fair dues to Louise for putting her money where her mouth is, for taking the gamble.’
That’s what he’s worried about. It is still a gamble.
23
‘You know the shoes I ordered? They’ve got them in,’ Rory’s mother says to him over the phone. He is surprised and pleased that she has taken the initiative to call him. He’d forgotten all about the shoes.
‘No problem,’ he says. ‘We’ll go get them.’ And they organize it.
Like last time, she shops alone and they arrange to meet an hour later. The difference this time is that Rory decides to spend that hour in the coffee shop opposite Louise’s. It’s late Saturday afternoon and he knows that Naomi won’t be working. Still, he finds himself looking out for trouble, unsavoury contacts she might have who could be hanging around. When he doesn’t find any he ends up playing a game: watching people going in and guessing what they will emerge with. His hit rate is high, knowing as he does from years with Louise the popularity of lilies.
The door opens now. Out comes a man who is glancing back into the shop, holding the door for the person behind him. Rory doesn’t remember seeing him go in. Must have been inside a while. Though his back is to Rory, he looks familiar. The woman coming through the door certainly is. Louise. The fountains between them are making it impossible to make out the details of her face, but Rory knows it’s her. The way she moves, her hair, the fact that she’s wearing clothes that are too warm for the early-May day. His heart thuds at the sight of her. The man le
ts the door close and falls into step with her, putting an arm around her shoulder. She leans into him. A blow to Rory. A second blow falls almost instantly – the man is Mark.
They walk slowly away from the shop and the centre. Just before they turn the corner that will take them out of sight, they stop. She says something to him and he embraces her, his hand holding the back of her head. Rory has never seen Mark show such tenderness. He doesn’t want to witness any more. Forgetting to pay, he strides from his al fresco table, away from the woman he wanted to share his future with, away from the man he would like to flatten. Back in the shopping centre, he marches past shops without seeing them. They’ve split up; she can do what she wants. But with Mark? And so quickly? What if it’s not quickly? What if she finished with Rory to be with Mark? What if they were already seeing each other? Did something happen when Rory was in Cambridge? How much time did they spend together? Where was Lesley then? And where is she now? Isn’t she still going out with Mark?
When Rory finally remembers his mother, it is twenty minutes over time. He rushes back to the café where a waiter hands him his bill and stands beside him until he pays. Rory does so while scanning the place. He doesn’t see her. Has she been and gone? Has she wandered off, searching for him? Or is she lost? Did she even make it here? He describes her to the waiter, who doesn’t remember seeing her.
He heads for the concourse again, breaking into a sweat. She doesn’t get out much. This place is huge. No mobile phone, of course. He starts checking every shop he thinks might appeal to her. Imagines what it must be like to lose a child. Tells himself to calm down. If she were lost, she’d ask for directions. She’s a grown woman. Marks and Spencer?
To his great relief he sees her: she’s closely examining the stitching on a leather handbag, holding it up to her nose, then turning it to the light, oblivious to the world, just enjoying her freedom, away with the fairies, as she’d say herself. Despite everything, he smiles as he approaches. This time he does hug her.
Do You Want What I Want? Page 17
