“It is all right, thanks, Mary Anne.” The voice was hauntingly familiar. I turned toward the door to see Matthew, looking every bit like the Italian aristocrat he had become. His black shirt and red doublet were made of silk and other fine fabrics. His eyes were impassive as he studied us. “If you are busy, Samuel we can always reschedule.”
Samuel quickly got to his feet. “No, I’m quite done here.” He turned to pick up his jacket from the floor.
I looked back at Matthew and found he was still staring at me with cool regard. It was our first face-to-face encounter since he had left us. As I said before, I had always kept my distance when he showed up. I wondered if it would be too much to hope, for him to answer me civilly. I sighed, and said, “Ciao, Matthew.”
He arched an eyebrow but replied just as calmly. “Ciao, Giuliana.” He pronounced my name in Italian but it was said with surprising politeness. He hesitated a moment, then looked at Samuel. “Are you ready to go?”
Samuel nodded. He glanced at me. “Do not bother to wait up,” he said and walked out. Matthew turned and followed him.
I stared after them, shaking my head. I left the library myself and glanced toward the front door. Mary Anne stood in front of it. She turned to me with a frown when I shut the library door behind me. “Did you and Samuel have another fight?”
I nodded bleakly. “He hates me, Mary Anne. I might as well face it. No matter how sorry I am, how much I wish I could undo all my mistakes, it’s not going to matter a damn bit. I’ve already been tried and hanged by him.”
“What was Matthew like when he saw you?”
“He was actually quite civil.”
Mary Anne glanced back at the door. “Good. It’s a step in the right direction.” She paused, then continued, “You know, we had been so worried about how Matthew was reacting, but maybe we’ve been worrying about the wrong person. Maybe it was Samuel we should have been worried about.”
I glanced at her. “Why weren’t you worried?”
“Because initially he seemed to be dealing with everything so well. It was Matthew who seemed to be having problems handling things. However, now. . . Julia, maybe we interpreted their reactions all wrong, maybe it’s Matthew who is better off. He has reacted to what happened and now you said he acted fairly polite to you. That means he must have been dealing with it – in his own way.” She looked at me thoughtfully. “He never hid what he was feeling about the . . . incident. He made his feelings very clear about the matter.”
“And what do you think of Samuel now?”
“I do not think he has dealt with any of it. He hasn’t shown his pain or even his anger. The only anger he shows is in uncontrollable rages. Name calling, furniture-throwing. Nothing productive that has anything to do with the problem. The rest of the time he’s totally reclusive.”
“Why do you think he’s not dealing with it? Everyone else is trying to.”
“I don’t think he knows how to.” She gazed back at me, not with contempt, but with sorrow. “You’ve hurt him deeply, Julia. He simply does not know how to cope. So he’s withdrawn from everyone instead and built a fortress around himself. And the only person who seems to get through his walls is Matthew, his other fledgling. Yet, I wonder how far he’s even got through Samuel’s bloody shield.”
I looked toward the door. “I never thought I would miss being called Sunshine but I do. At least then I knew he called me that out of affection and love. Now he either calls me Julia to be civil, or Juliana just for spite,” I said.
“It’s a way for him to hurt back.” Mary Anne turned severe eyes to me. “He doesn’t know how to react to you, Julia.” She gazed toward the library, looking defeated. “I do not know if anyone can reach him now.”
I sighed and put on a cloak. “I’m going out for a drink.”
“Is that the polite way of saying you’re going to follow them?”
“I want to know if Samuel has confided in Matthew and if Matthew has done the same.” I suddenly slammed my fist against the wall and stared at it. “Mary Anne, I know very well that I cannot change what I did. However, we’re not going to get anywhere in dealing with it if they won’t talk to me. I know they’re both hurt, like everyone else, but I do not know what exactly they are thinking or feeling. I need to find out somehow.”
“Don’t let them see you. I know you told me about what you saw, but sometimes I still do not know what to think. It is difficult to understand, Julia, and I think you can grasp why we are still a little –concerned.”
I paused on my way to the door. “Honestly, Mary Anne, I wish I could make you understand. If one of you could hear what I . . .” My words trailed off as I remembered my conversation with Kali. As much as I wanted to confide in her, I already knew she was not the right person.
Mary Anne sighed. “Why is it I’m getting the impression you are still not telling me everything?” She walked over and gently put a hand on my shoulder. I flinched a little.
“Julia . . . is it that you’re afraid to tell me? Are you afraid I’ll get angry because of it?”
I nodded, not quite meeting her eyes.
“There’s nothing you can say that would be worse than what I first thought. When it happened, I thought you did it for the hell of it.”
I shook my head. “No, I did it because at the time I thought what Gregory said was right. I wish I could explain it better, but I simply cannot.”
Mary Anne stared at me with guarded eyes. “I wish you would tell me, but it is what it is. Be careful, Julia. You know I cannot guarantee your safety when you are out there alone.”
I nodded. Many of the Resistance considered me an enemy now. Without her or Jeffrey with, they might be emboldened to attack. And I doubted I could count on Matthew or Samuel for help. “I’ll be back later,” I said and left.
It didn’t take me long to find out where they had gone. I pulled up the hood of my cloak so it covered my hair and most of my face, then quietly entered a tavern across town. Samuel and Matthew were sitting in the front of a deserted area of the tavern. I made my way over and sat down at a nearby table. I turned my attention to the other two.
Matthew was sitting with his head in one hand, a glass of mostly untouched wine in front of him. “Go ahead. Talk, Samuel.”
Samuel lifted his wine glass and downed its contents. After signaling for an additional drink, he said, “Do you know what she told me the night she disappeared?”
“No, what?”
Samuel picked up the newly filled glass and downed the wine again within seconds. Matthew raised his eyebrows as he watched Samuel immediately order another.
“She told me: ‘Samuel, even if he took me, I wouldn’t join him willingly . . . I would be a prisoner to him, not a mate.’ What a lie that turned out to be.” He slammed his fist against the bar counter with enough force that I was sure he had broken a finger or two at least. “Damnit, Matthew, she was intimate with him willingly!”
“I know, Samuel,” he murmured as Samuel downed this glass as well. Concern crossed his face. “I think you should slow down. That is the twelfth glass you’ve had in half an hour.”
“So what?” Samuel slurred.
“You are drinking too much.”
“It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. How could she do this to me? She said she loved me,” he said, looking stricken. “How could she be with the murderer of my family and still say she loves me?”
“Her actions speak for themselves. Stop agonizing over the twisted girl, Samuel. If she had really loved you, she wouldn’t have hurt you like this. Ignore her and focus on something else.”
“What? I have no one left.”
“Now, I know the alcohol is talking,” he muttered. “Samuel, wake up. You still have friends who care. I’m here; you are staying with Jeffrey and Mary Anne. What about the children? They still need some guidance. They look up to you.”
Samuel made a face at him. “Mary Anne and Jeffrey do not need me. And you’re doing fine on
your own. Kali comes to us on her own terms. Strange little girl, that one is. Stephen – Stephen and Julia have bonded quite nicely.” He grimaced. “I have nothing left.”
“You need to get out of that house. Come stay with me,” Matthew said, sipping his wine.
Samuel ordered another glass. “I do not think so, Matthew. You are doing fantastically, all things considered. I’m not going to ruin it for you.” He lifted the glass and gulped down the wine.
“Come on, Samuel, getting away from Julia will be good for you. Maybe you’ll even meet someone.”
I winced at hearing the pain and hopelessness in Samuel’s voice. The anguish hinted at the depth of his emotional wounds, but by the shield still cloaking his mind, I worried they were even deeper than I suspected. I have no one to blame but myself for the wounds Samuel and the others carry. I hate myself. I really do.
“Perhaps I will go away somewhere. But I’m not interested in finding another lover. Everyone I have ever loved is lost to me in some way. Honestly, Matthew, I am not sure I care anymore. There’s nothing keeping me here. Maybe it’s time to go happily on my way to whatever comes after this. Maybe I’ll see Valerie in hell. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
Matthew frowned. “Nothing? What about the Resistance itself? So maybe Julia isn’t the one we are looking for. We’ll find someone who has the strength needed to overthrow Valentino. Right now the movement needs their leader to guide them.”
Samuel stared down into his glass. “You haven’t been to many of the meetings either.”
“That’s true, but I’m not the leader. Mary Anne said you hadn’t been to a meeting in over a year. Why?”
Samuel downed more wine a moment later. “There’s no point. It’s all falling apart.”
Matthew looked as confused as I felt. He leaned in closer. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t understand why she is still connected to us. It would be much easier if the telepathic bonds had broken! Everything we’ve worked for . . . I have tried everything I could think of to keep the ka-tet and the Resistance intact. I’ve only made things worse.”
Matthew sighed. “Samuel –” His voice suddenly trailed off.
I blinked back tears and glanced up. Did he see me? Was that why he stopped speaking? I followed his gaze and saw it was fastened on the door. There was a man standing in the doorway, wearing all black. I thought I saw a stake tucked into his belt.
Matthew grabbed Samuel’s arm. “Come on, we’re leaving.”
Samuel tried to resist, but his movements were uncoordinated. “I don’t want to leave,” he mumbled. Matthew hauled him up and dropped some money on the tabletop.
“That’s not your choice to make.”
“Why do you want to leave? I was just getting started.”
“He’s a Hunter, Samuel. Of course, if you were not so drunk, you would have noticed. We’re going . . . now.” He pulled him into the crowd toward the door as the newcomer sat down at the bar.
I got up as well and used the same crowd to provide means to leave without attracting the man’s attention. As soon as I got out, I sighed in relief. Matthew had gotten Samuel and himself out. He helped Samuel into a wagon and left.
I turned and started for home. I finally had a real glimpse into the extent of the pain Samuel was in, but his words only frightened me more. Matthew’s words and attitude were about what I expected, although it made me question Kali’s suggestion to talk to him. Other than the politeness he greeted me with earlier, I did not see any indication that he wished to talk to me or that attempting to explain things would do any good.
I’m so angry at myself, at what I had caused, filled with self-hatred. Lord, I have to wonder why I didn’t kill myself. When I arrived back at the house, I hung up my cloak and immediately escaped up to my room without seeing anyone. Once inside, I shut the door and proceeded to pace my room like a caged cat.
After a few minutes, I sat down on the bed. Reaching underneath, I pulled out a piece of sharp wood. I rolled up my sleeve and made large cuts up and down my arm. Putting my fist through the wall would be a better way to vent, but the last time I had done that Samuel had a fit. He had told me that, just because I was angry at myself, it was no excuse to take it out on everyone and everything else. I realized he had a point. It wasn’t the house, him, or anyone else that I was angry at. I was upset at myself, so it made sense to take out my frustrations on myself. The sleeves of my dresses are so long that no one will know I cut to punish myself.
I made another deeper cut barely below my elbow. And even if they did find out, it’s not like they’ll care anyway. I rolled down my sleeve again and thoughtfully pointed the sharp end of the wood at my chest. It would be easy to do, and if I kept from screaming while doing it no one would find me for hours. Then I would be dead and they wouldn’t have to put up with me. I smiled a little, then moved the wood until it was above my chest.
I was exhausted. Weary of the fighting, of the mistrust, the isolation. I had no help, all of my desperate prayers and pleas for help and forgiveness have been met with silence, both by the people here, as well as by the God I had known and worshipped while human.
Looking down, I debated shoving it in. Before I could make a decision, I caught a glimpse of someone with black hair standing by the far wall. “Oh, Lord, Gregory, will you just leave me alone already?! I swear if you do not go away, I’m going to use this –” I said as I turned toward the person. I broke off in mid-sentence and whispered, “Kali?”
The person who was standing by the wall wasn’t Gregory. It was a young woman who was about Kali’s age, but it was not her as I first thought. This girl’s eyes were a beautiful shade of blue-green, not gray. She wore a lovely white dress. “Who are you?” I asked in confusion. “How did you get in here?”
She pointed at the wood I held, shook her head, and vanished. I dropped the wood and jumped backward with a startled scream, nearly falling off the bed.
“Julia? Are you all right?” Mary Anne called from down the hall.
I stared at the spot where the young woman had stood. I was equally surprised by Mary Anne’s inquiry. I do not remember the last time someone had checked in on me. “Yes,” I managed to call back. “I’m fine. I – I was only dreaming. Do not worry.”
After a second, I took a shaky breath and got up. I re-hid the wood and glanced back to where the girl had stood. For some reason she seemed vaguely familiar but I had no idea who she was. Nor did I have any idea why she appeared to me the way she had. She had startled me, but now I realized I hadn’t felt any fear or anxiety when I realized it was her and not Gregory.
Shaking my head, I wondered if I should be worried. The young lady I saw was not really here. Was my sanity failing yet again? I blew out the candle and climbed into bed. I expected apprehension would keep me awake. To my surprise, I fell asleep quickly.
Chapter 2
The sound of loud voices jarred me out of sleep. I scrambled off the bed and put on a robe. Running over, I flung open my door. Mary Anne, Jeffrey, and Matthew were standing outside my room.
For a moment, all I could do was rub my eyes and stare. Matthew was still dressed in the clothes he had been wearing last night, which meant he hadn’t left. He had stayed here. That hadn’t happened in five years. Why did he stay last night?
I stepped out and shut the door behind me. “What’s wrong?”
“There were two vampires killed last night,” Jeffrey replied.
“I told you, there’s a group of Hunters working this area,” Matthew snapped. “Samuel and I saw one last night. Well . . . I saw him. I doubt Samuel will remember a thing about it. I think he’s still sleeping.”
Mary Anne nodded. “He is. Are you sure it was a Hunter?”
Matthew narrowed his eyes. “He was human. With a stake. You figure it out. I didn’t have that much to drink last night.”
“I did not know you were here,” I said to him.
Matthew turned to me. “I stayed the night.”<
br />
“After seeing the Hunter, he did not want to risk running into another one going home,” Jeffrey explained.
“But you saw only one,” I blurted out in confusion.
“Hunters never work alone,” Matthew said. “They always work together. If there’s one around, there are others. Their life’s mission is to exterminate vampires. Mary Anne – you, Jeffrey, and Samuel need to be careful. I’m going home now.”
I bit my lip, his omission of my name felt like a stinging bee swarm. By that statement alone, he did not care if Hunters killed me. But if that were true, why would he answer my questions? He had given me information that was vital to surviving an encounter with them.
Staring at him, I tried to read his mind. His mind shield was solid. I did not even get a hint of emotion, let alone thought.
Mary Anne frowned. “Julia is here as well, Matthew, not just the three of us.” He gazed at her impassively. She sighed and asked, “Do you want to stay until Samuel wakes up?”
Matthew looked at me, then back at her. “No. I must meet someone for dinner. I’ll catch up with him soon. Good night, everyone.”
“’Night, Matthew,” Mary Anne said.
“See you soon,” Jeffrey replied.
“Ciao, Matthew,” I mumbled as he turned and left.
Mary Anne looked at me. “Oh, you’re not even dressed yet.”
I shook my head. “No. I heard voices and thought I would find out what was going on.” I opened my door again. “Excuse me –”
I headed down into the parlor and sat beside Stephen, who was reading his Bible by candlelight. I looked across the room and saw Kali sitting cross-legged on a blanket on the floor, staring at a single candle lit in front of her. “What is she doing?” I whispered.
Between Darkness & Light Page 2
