by Amanda Cowen
Ryan walks up to us, shoulders hunched and with both hands shoved in his pockets. He looks tense and sullen again. I can only assume that second talk with his father didn’t go well.
“Time to go?” I ask.
He nods, “Yeah.” He gives Gam-Gam another hug and wishes her happy birthday. She thanks him for coming, and hugs me, too.
In the parking lot, Ryan pulls open the passenger side door for me. “Thanks for coming with me,” he says.
“Yeah, no problem,” I say. He closes the door behind me and I wait for him to get into the driver’s seat. Then I speak up again. “You’d do it for me.”
He looks over at me. “I’d do anything for you, you know that.” He turns on the ignition. We sit in the idling car, both of his hands on the steering wheel as he stares out the windshield.
The loud silence in the car is broken when he lets out a deep breath and faces me again.
“What?”
“Nothing. Just glad I met you.”
“Yeah, well, knowing you doesn't suck either.”
“Let’s stick around Sacramento and you can ditch your dinner date with Thor. We can stroll around midtown and grab something to eat before we head back to San Fran.”
As much as I know he needs me right now, I can’t keep on choosing Ryan over my relationships with other men. It pains me to say no to him, but I can’t cancel on Liam, especially after I’ve done it thrice this week. He’s clearly upset after everything that happened today, but I just can’t cancel my plans this time.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. I can’t,” I look away from him. “I promised Liam, and you promised me I’d be back in time.”
“I guess we better hit the road then.”
Chapter 8
The next morning, I am walking through the quad on my way to class. Ryan suddenly appears beside me, wearing a ball cap and with a packsack slung over his shoulder. He balances two Styrofoam cups on one flattened palm, a brown paper bag clutched in his other fist.
“Hey there,” he nudges me in the shoulder. “I brought you coffee.”
“What are you doing here so early? Your first class doesn’t even start until eleven,” I say, reaching up to toss my messy hair into a ponytail. “Why do I feel like you’re stalking me?”
“Because I am.” He winks and hands me one of the Styrofoam cups. “I figured I could catch you on the way to that Design Process class you’re always complaining about. Plus, I need to go to the library to work on a paper.”
If this were anyone else appearing out of nowhere, coffee in hand, following me around campus, I’d be weirded out. But not when that someone is Ryan. My class calendar accidentally synced to his phone when I plugged mine in for a charge on his laptop. This isn’t the first time he’s tracked me down, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.
He walks beside me as I step off the cobblestone path and onto the grass. The sun is warmer than usual for this time of day. The early-morning breeze feels nice against my skin and dances against my ponytail as I lead the way.
“How did you sleep last night?” he asks. “You look well-rested.” I can feel his eyes on me, although I can’t decide if he’s probing or being his normal teasing self.
“You can’t be serious,” I laugh. I look anything but well-rested. I was up all night with Liam, kissing, cuddling, and talking. I am not a night owl; I need a minimum of eight hours of sleep to function, and I don’t think I slept more than three full hours last night. I’m not complaining, though. We had an enjoyable dinner date and a great time back at my apartment. Ryan must be messing with me. “I had zero sleep. I look like a mess.”
Ryan takes a slow pull from his coffee. “Does that mean your date went well?” he adds, putting air quotes around the word ‘date’.
I roll my eyes. “Oh, so you don’t really think I look well-rested. You were just prodding me for information. Classic.”
“Only because I question Liam’s intentions.”
“As much as I love that you care, couldn’t we just not get involved in each other’s relationships?”
“You’re always involved in my relationships,” he protests.
I raise a brow. “Hardly. You always do what you want, no matter what I think.”
“True,” he laughs, so sure of himself that it irritates me.
I gesture toward the path where he would normally break off. “Shouldn’t you be heading that way to the library?”
Ryan shrugs. “I can take the long way.”
We step off from the grass and onto a sidewalk. I glance up at him and, for a moment, I get lost in the way his magnetic eyes glimmer in the sunlight – flecks of green radiant within dominant dark brown – and the way his strong, smooth jawline pulls my attention toward his full, pouty lips. He breaks open his brown paper bag and pulls out a chocolate-covered croissant, smiling at me before taking a bite.
“How was the rest of your night?” I ask. “I know we didn’t get to stroll through midtown like you wanted, but I hope you enjoyed yourself after you dropped me off.”
Ryan passes me the croissant and motions for me to take a bite, so I do. “Watched the Giants, drank some beer, shot the shit with Jayce and Kale, and waited for Liam to get home…” his voice trails off.
I slowly chew my croissant bite and swallow. He leans slightly toward me, and the way he’s staring at my mouth is making my skin tingle. “Except he didn’t make it back to the apartment… until early this morning.” he adds.
I can’t help but feel unsteady. I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable telling Ryan about my night with Liam, but I do.
His brows are close together in disapproval, but there was a hint of mischief in his eyes. “Did you finally sleep with him?”
My entire body feels frozen for a moment. I look up at him. “I’m easy, but I’m not that easy,” I laugh.
Ryan raises an eyebrow, a smirk starting to form on his lips. “You’ve had a one-night stand before.”
I feel heat blossom on my cheeks. He leans forward again and tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. Hearing him remind me of our mistake on my twenty-first birthday really isn’t funny right now. I know he means to be clever; and that his touch is meant to be a quick, sweet little gesture between friends. But something about Ryan bringing up the past and touching me, ever so gently, makes me feel weird.
Without thinking, I slap his hand away.
He pulls away and clears his throat. “No need to get flustered.”
“You should be happy for me. I’ve finally met a nice guy,” I say, miffed. “And even though I’m not looking for a boyfriend, it is kind of nice to have someone to spend my time with.”
“Isn’t that what I’m for?” he asks.
“Yeah, as my friend,” I say, laughing again. “The difference being our time together doesn’t involve the possibility of orgasms.”
“Except that one time… when you had multiple,” he says, giving me a playful look.
“Jesus, Ryan,” I hiss. “You know what I mean.”
A strange silence hangs over us. We don’t make total eye contact or move forward on the sidewalk. I finally turn away from him and walk away, feeling the blood rush to my face. I can’t believe him right now. Bringing that up!
I can hear his feet pounding on the pavement as he jogs to catch up with me. “Hey,” he says.
I hope he’s ready to change the subject.
“I forgot to mention that Jayce suggested Newport Beach for spring break this year. We can use his parents’ beach house for an entire week. You in?”
We’ve always traveled somewhere for spring break. Freshman year, we partied at Coco Bongo in Punta Cana, in the Dominican Republic. Sophomore year, we took a road trip to Seattle, Washington. Junior year, we went skiing in Aspen, Colorado. And lately, we had tossed around a few ideas for our senior-year destination, our final hurrah.
“Yeah,” I nod. “Actually, Liam said something last night about Newport.”
His eyes go dark, as if he’s dishearte
ned. He quickly blinks it away. “Liam mentioned something?” he asks, almost too slowly.
“Yeah. That’s what I said.”
“Do you think it’s a good idea for Liam to come with us?” I can see a hint of red on his face. “I mean, it’s our senior year, and it should really just be our core group.”
“The more the merrier, as I always say.”
He furrows his eyebrows. “You’ve never once said that.”
“We have to invite him,” I hold my head high. “You two are friends, plus Jayce already told him about it.”
“No. We don’t have to invite him. We let him down easy,” Ryan says, stepping closer to me. “Like this. ‘Hey, Liam, you’re not invited.” He is clearly proud of himself. “See? Simple.”
“You are being ridiculous.”
“It’s our last trip together before we all go in different directions.”
His smug smile makes my blood boil. My chest hurts thinking about how unfair Ryan is to Liam. “Alodie thinks she’s coming,” I quip. “And she’s not part of the core group.”
He looks across the sprawling campus, his eyes narrowing. I wonder what he’s thinking. His chest expands as he inhales deeply; he closes his eyes as he exhales. “Actually…I’m not so sure she’ll come with us. I might end things.”
“How come?”
“She wants me to meet her parents. They are visiting at the end of the month.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? That’s your response?” Ryan scratches his scalp with his pinkie. “If anyone should understand my predicament, it’s you.”
Of course I understand. We both suffer from the same ailment: commitment-phobia. But as much as I think they aren’t suited for each other, is breaking up with her really necessary? And maybe it’s selfish of me, but I really don’t want to be stuck consoling her broken heart while at work.
“Okay, so you aren’t ready to meet her parents,” I say. “You should just tell her that.”
“It’s not just that.”
“What is it, then?” I ask, raising my own brows. I know he’s about to spill.
He sips his coffee before he answers. “She doesn’t like seafood. She’s super clingy. And she says ‘like’ a lot.”
I burst out laughing. Did he really just discover her quirks? “I could have told you those things months ago.”
He sighs. “She’s a great girl and all… but she’s not…” He pauses and sighs again. “I’m just not ready to meet her parents when I can hardly stand the way she cracks her knuckles, neck and back without any warning. It’s mental torture.”
“You’re never going to like everything about someone,” I tell him. “God, I could think of a million things I hate about you.” Ryan laughs at this and watches me curiously, his jaw clenching. I can’t help but ramble on. “Like I hate how you sometimes choose to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner, or how you respond to my texts with a single emoji.”
He laughs. “The cool-sunglasses emoji is my favorite.”
“Yeah, and I hate it,” I laugh, glancing up at him. “It means absolutely nothing. It’s a useless response…” I stop myself from veering off-topic. “My point is, just like friendships, relationships can be so parallel because really, no one is perfect. I think, at the end of the day, it’s all about whose annoying shit you’re willing to put up with, you know? Because even though I hate how you’ll eat a sugary bowl of cereal for dinner, I care enough about you and our friendship to sit down and eat a sugary a bowl of cereal with you.”
“Wow,” he smirks. “I had no idea my Lucky Charms cravings affected you so much.”
“It’s breakfast food –” I start, but realize he’s goading me. He takes a sip of his coffee, his eyes watching me over the rim of his cup. My mouth twitches from restraining a smile. “All I’m trying to say is if you don’t want to put up with her quirks, don’t lead her on. But if you think you can cut back on seafood or are okay with having her cling to you… then maybe she’s worth keeping around.”
“So you don’t think I should end things?” he asks.
“I’m strictly passing on some advice,” I say. “Do what you want.”
He nods.
“Listen, I got to get to class,” I say and pick up my walking pace.
“What are you doing later tonight?” he shouts as I move further away. “Want to go downtown for some beer and wings?”
“G’day, Missus.” Our heads snap to where Liam leans against a tree, one hand resting on the trunk. He’s hunched over, trying to catch his breath. Based the jogging shorts and t-shirt he’s wearing, and the sweat glistening on his body, he’s in the middle of his morning run. Clearly, lack of sleep hasn’t affected his day in the slightest. He throws me the most adorable smile, then glances over at Ryan. “Hey, mate. Didn’t get a chance to see you this morning. Ella told me she had a great time at your Gam-Gam’s birthday.”
“Yeah, she was a great sidekick,” he says. “Just like having one of the guys around to throw back with, ‘ya know?”
I shoot daggers at Ryan, who gives me the most contrived look of innocence I’ve ever seen. One of the guys? I may have a lot of male friends, but I am far from manly. What a jerk.
Liam chuckles. “We can agree on one thing, mate. Ella is great to throw back with… but I think your definition of ‘throwback’ and mine are two very different things.” He winks at me, then gives me a full smile.
Ryan doesn’t respond, so I fill the awkward silence. “What are you doing here?” I ask.
“I was jogging through campus and saw you two.” He lifts the hem of his t-shirt to wipe his sweaty forehead, exposing his impressive eight-pack. I swallow the lump that formed in my throat. ‘Wow’ is pretty much the only word that can describe his midsection. “Thought I’d stop and say hello.”
I can feel Ryan’s towering, quiet presence standing behind me.
“We’re still on for tonight, yeah?” Liam asks.
I blush, feeling horrible Ryan found out this way that I already made plans with Liam. I catch a glimpse of Ryan from the corner of my eye. He refuses to meet my gaze; his focus is solely on Liam.
“Yes, of course.” I finally reply.
“Great. Text you later.” Liam leans forward and kisses my cheek. “Enjoy your day, pretty lady,” he smiles, and glances over at Ryan. “Later, mate.”
Ryan faces me once Liam jogs down the path and out of our sight.
“I guess that’s a hard no for beer and wings,” he says.
I shrug. “Sorry. I already made plans with Liam,” I say, and start to walk toward my class. “I’ll text you later.”
I can’t quite read Ryan right now. If he’s even slightly upset I can’t go out with him tonight, I can’t help but feel the need to remind him how many times he’s ditched me to score with a girl. But I keep my mouth shut and keep on walking because he’s probably not upset at all. He’ll just ask Jayce or Kale to go with him. Problem solved.
I’m steps away from the building where my class is held. Even with Ryan no longer walking beside me, I still feel my heartstrings being pulled in two different directions, even though they have no reason to be.
Chapter 9
The next few weeks pass in a blur of assignments, strong coffee, and late nights studying from the comfort of my bedroom. I’ve been so preoccupied with school (and alternatively, Liam), that I’ve seen very little of Ryan. I text him funny memes when I’m bored, though.
Liam’s been occupying all the free time I can manage to give anyone. I’ve taken him on cable cars throughout the city to visit iconic places like Fisherman’s Wharf, Alcatraz Island and Lombard Street. He’s been really sweet and kind, and even though we are taking things slow, I think there may be more than friendship blossoming between us.
Normally, I wouldn’t let a guy take up so much of my time, but his panty-dropping smile and big blue eyes make it impossible to say no when he asks me to hang out.
He’s also been a great distraction. My mother’s d
eteriorating mental health has been an unbearable weight on my shoulders. She’s taken another leave of absence from her job. I always check in with her to make sure she’s attending her therapy appointments and ensuring that her medication is properly adjusted. I haven’t told Liam anything about my family, and I don’t plan on letting him in anytime soon. Dealing with everything that’s been going on and the fact that she isn’t doing well is hard when I’m out here in San Francisco, trying to ace all my classes and focusing on my future.
Academically, I’m kicking butt and studying my ass off. My grades are exactly where I want them to be, and I’ve been sketching and painting in my spare time in preparation for the university art show happening tonight. After much deliberation and Maisie’s input, I settled on a few of my older paintings to showcase. I updated my portfolio with a couple of newer paintings, too.
The university picked a great location for the art show: an updated, bright space on the waterfront, nestled between a trendy Italian restaurant and a sports pub. The place is amazing, and I can say this even without the crowd or the other selected artists.
I arrive fifteen minutes earlier than my call time. I’m happy Maisie is helping me hang and display my paintings, because my nerves are shot, my entire body feels jittery, and my heart is beating rapidly. Putting my art on display for everyone to see is a really big deal for me. Only the people closest to me, like Ryan and Maisie, have really seen my paintings and illustrations.
I’m especially nervous that Liam is stopping by after his shift at Hennessey. Something about Liam seeing my artwork for the first time is unsettling, probably because it makes me vulnerable, and I don’t like being vulnerable. But I also know I have to put myself out there if I plan on making art my future.
I started sketching and painting at a young age. It was an outlet for me to escape my parents’ constant arguing. I’d lock myself in my bedroom; pull out a sketchpad; and draw these beautiful, scenic places I imagined I lived in instead of my actual dysfunctional home. All the noise would be drowned out around me, and it would just be me and my drawings, in the new world I created on the papers in front of me.
