by Karen Anne
“I know. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry, too.”
“For what? Everything you said was true.”
“I’m sorry I agreed to David’s conditions. We weren’t fooling around, but it was like we were sneaking around behind your back, and that was wrong. I wanted to tell you, but…”
“I know.”
“So you’ll come home?”
“Yeah, but not tonight. I want to just be with my brother a little while longer. Cool?”
“Cool.”
We said good night, and I hung up then grabbed my toiletry bag but stopped in the living room first. “Hey, Adam, I’ve got a runner on first.”
Adam looked over his shoulder. “That’s my girl.”
TWENTY-SEVEN
I got home Tuesday afternoon and flipped through the mail. My credit card bill had arrived, a catalogue from Victoria’s Secret, and an envelope from school. I assumed it was something related to graduation, so I thought nothing of it. Inside was a slip of paper with my grades. I was failing three classes, and as I had predicted, in danger of not graduating. I fell onto the steps and read the grades over and over again. There were notes that I had missed assignments and too many classes, and my actual test scores were a joke. This was it. I had finally hit rock bottom.
David was gone. I had lost Juilliard the moment I went rogue during my audition. The sorority hated me. Brit and I were just getting out of a weird place, and now I might not even graduate. How had I allowed this to happen? When did my life spin out of control? Just months ago, I had everything— perfect guy, amazing friends, and a bright future. Now…
Now I was shaking in a hallway wanting to call Harry and get high. That was the truth. What had I become?
Part of me just wanted to give up. Go upstairs and draw the shades. Just say screw it. But the other part of me wanted my life back. The only problem was, I had no clue how to get it back.
I pulled out my phone, wanting to call someone, but not knowing who I could rely on. I wanted to call David more than anyone. I wanted to cry and tell him how I had made a mess of everything, but that would include admitting to hooking up with Harry, and I couldn’t stomach telling him that. Besides, it’s not like I had his number. I couldn’t even go to the music room and play piano to unwind because that was tainted now, too.
Instead, I went for a walk. I left my bag and mail on the stairs and wandered aimlessly for hours. In the past, I would have gone running. I wasn’t even sure if I could do that anymore. I didn’t even bring my purse, and I had left my phone, too. I was afraid if I had it, I would call Harry, and we’d do all the wrong things together. It had occurred to me during my walk that he had only kissed me when drugs or alcohol were involved, and it made me think that everything between us was just an illusion. I knew, deep down, I was trying to fill the hole in my heart with Harry. It wasn’t fair to him, and it wasn’t fair to David. I had destroyed our beautiful memories. Soiled them with my reckless decisions.
I did loops around campus, walked around town and stared at my own reflection in store windows. I didn’t have any answers as I walked home, just more questions.
By the time I made it back to the sorority house, the sun was going down. I pulled my key out of my pocket to let myself in, and when I walked down the hall past the living room, I heard Brit call my name. I turned to discover Brit, Erik, Jaime, Beaver, and Natalie were sitting in the living room in a circle.
“What’s going on?” I asked, sitting down on the empty part of the couch that Brit pointed to.
“You know we all love you, right?” Brit began.
An intervention? Seriously? “You’ve got to be joking.”
“I found this on the stairs.” Natalie held out my progress report, alerting the entire room that I was failing and probably wouldn’t graduate. Great. Thanks, Drama Queen.
“I believe that was addressed to me,” I said and snatched it away from her. This was beyond mortifying.
“Kristen,” Jaime said. “It’s not too late to fix this. That’s the point of the progress report. It sort of shakes you back into reality.”
“We can all help you study,” Beaver offered.
“That’s right,” Erik chimed in. “There’s no way we’re walking down the aisle without you, so get that idea out of your head now.”
I felt my bottom lip tremble. They cared. They cared when I no longer had the strength to care. “I think I’m too far gone,” I said as the tears began.
“No, you’re not.” Brit was out of her chair and by my side in a heartbeat. She led me over to the couch and sat beside me. “You’re not alone, Kris. We are all here for you. You have the strength of everyone in this room to get you through this.”
“How can you even want to help after what a bitch I’ve been?”
“That was your bitch? I’m not impressed. It takes more than that to get rid of me.” Brit nudged me with her shoulder.
“We’re willing to do whatever it takes to help you, but we do have rules,” Erik said, calling the attention back to business.
“Rules?” That was slightly intimidating.
“Rule number one is trusting us,” Jaime said. “That’s an easy one.”
I nodded, wiping at my eye. Don’t cry. So you have the greatest friends in the world. No reason to cry…. “Okay.”
“Rule number two is honesty.”
That one would be a bit harder considering I had recently become a pathological liar. But I nodded to ackowledge it.
“And rule number three,” Brit said, looking like I would hate whatever number three was. “No more Harry.”
“What? Why?”
“He’s bad news, Kris,” Brit said. “Ever since you’ve been hanging out with him, your life fell apart.”
“No, my life fell apart when the love of my life went to London.”
“Exactly. The love of your life,” Brit said the words slow, making sure I was paying attention. “Losing David was the hard part. Harry is not David.”
“Why do you keep saying that? I know that.”
Brit rested a hand on my thigh. “I don’t think you do.”
“So… what? Am I never supposed to date again? David left the country in January.”
“Kris, it may seem like you haven’t been with David in three months, but I think you rushed into this whole Harry thing.”
I crossed my arms, feeling how I was shaking. I knew I was rushing things with Harry, but having them call me out on it… Besides, we had only kissed. That was it. A fun little make out session. Why did everyone act like I had sold my soul to Satan? “What do you want me to do? Cut him off completely? He was there for me.”
“Yes, he was there, because you pushed us away. None of us left you, Kris.”
Really? Then why did it feel like they had?
“Look, for tonight, just forget about Harry. I only want you to talk to a counselor, that’s all.” Brit looked at me hopefully.
“Why? Because I’m a druggie now? So I got high a few times. I’m not addicted. Do I look addicted to you?”
“I never said you were addicted, but it’s not like you to use.” Brit pulled my arms away from where they were crossed over my chest and held my hand. “Kris, you’ve been through a lot, and you made some bad choices, but we can still get you back on track. You won’t heal your broken heart over night, but we can help you get your grades up, and maybe even help find you a new job.”
“I can probably get you a few shifts at the Draught. Think you can handle pouring coffee?” Erik asked skeptically.
“Kris is great at pouring stuff. Remember that ZDP party where she dumped a pitcher of beer over my head?” Jaime said.
I felt myself smile for the first time that night. “You totally deserved that. You were acting like a douche.”
Jaime shrugged. “I probably was.”
“His hair smelled like beer for a week,” Beaver added. “It was so gross.”
“That’s because he didn’t wash it.” I screwed
up my nose.
“So?” Brit called the attention back to the matter at hand. “Will you see the counselor?” Brit asked, looking like if I said no everything good in this world would be shattered.
“I’ll go to one meeting and see how it goes.”
“Awesome, check it out.” Natalie handed me a printed schedule. It was color coded.
“What the hell is this?”
“Your new agenda. It shows when you’re meeting with each of us. Jaime is in blue. He’s going to tutor you in calculous. Erik is in green, he’s going to help you with your lit classes. Brit is in purple, she’s doing double duty, music theory and taking you to your counselor appointments. Beaver and I are in pink.” Natalie practically squealed.
“Your boxes are empty.”
“Beaver is going to make sure you catch up on sleep—natural, no pills, and I’m taking you for beauty treatments.”
“A sleep coach and beauty treatments?” What on earth?
“Kristen, your life is a mess, but your hair and nails need to look amazing. No excuses.”
“I’m surprised you don’t have my personal hygiene mapped out.”
“Well, we didn’t want to come across like we were controlling you or anything,” Brit said with a smirk.
“No, because that would be weird.” I rolled my eyes and looked at the schedule again. I couldn’t tell if it was really sweet or really overbearing.
“What I don’t get is how Harry was able to talk you into doing this stuff in the first place.” The way Erik looked at me, I felt ashamed. He probably saw my shame, for he added, “It was just so unlike you. I mean, you used to see red if David so much as pulled out a cigarette.”
“I know, I know. Harry just made it all seem like it was perfectly normal. It’s like he gave me permission to not care. To roll around in the darkness for a while.”
I don’t know what I said, but Brit freaked out. “Oh my god. He’s your Spike!” Brit blurted out, grabbing Jaime’s arm in the process. Jaime looked at her like suddenly it all made sense. Well, I’m glad he spoke Brit, I needed a translator.
“Huh?” Was all I could manage.
“You get it, right?” Brit tugged on Jaime’s arm like she needed him to agree with her.
He must have for he nodded. “Actually, that makes total sense.”
“I’m glad you understand. Do you know what these two are talking about?” I asked Erik.
He nodded. “I think it’s a Buffy reference.”
“The vampire show? Thanks, Brit. Yes, my problems are identical to a supernatural cult show.” I rolled my eyes and sat back on the couch, grabbing a pillow to use as a shield.
“Have you seen it?” Jaime asked, and I shook my head. He leaned his elbows on his knees and attempted to explain. “Buffy’s soul mate was Angel, but they broke up. Her arch enemy was Spike, but somehow, she was drawn to him. He made sense to her when nothing else did. She knew he was bad for her, she knew they didn’t belong together, but she still found herself outside his door. He sort of patched her up in the only way he knew how, because all he knew was broken. Together they had this sexy yet toxic relationship.”
“So, did they end up together?” I asked, suddenly needing to know how this ended.
“No, he died,” Brit said sadly.
“Oh…” That was disappointing.
“Yeah, but he comes back in a spin-off, so it’s not too tragic,” Jaime said as if this would somehow mean something to me.
“Well, what about Angel?” I asked, trying to follow their way of thinking. “Did she get Angel back?”
“No.” They both shook their head at the same time. They were really frustrating me.
“Then please enlighten me as how this is a great analogy to my life.”
Brit leaned over, pulled the pillow away from me, and bunked me over the head with it. “Because, silly, despite her pain and heart break, Buffy still found her inner strength and saved the world!” Brit jumped up to further emphasize her excitement. I just stared at her. She liked that show way too much. This was almost as ludicrous as Adam’s baseball metaphor.
I guess I didn’t seem that impressed. Her face softened, and she turned to me on the couch. “Oh, Kris, don’t you see? She was a warrior. And you are, too.”
The way she was looking at me… I could see the admiration shining in her eyes once more. It hurt that I had failed her. “You know, if you place me on such a high pedestal, I might fall off.”
Brit rolled her eyes. “You’ve forgotten what a badass you are.” Badass. I hadn’t even put on my running shoes in a week. Way to be a slayer.
I just glared at her. Brit groaned. “Ugh. Do you need me to smack some sense into you? You are everything I have ever wanted to be. You’re beautiful, smart, talented…you’re a triple threat. My god, Kristen, there’s nothing you can’t do. You’re… you’re… you’re…” She was overly excited as her mind raced to find the right words. “Poison in pumps!”
I didn’t know what to say. I just stared. Erik got up, stuffed his hands in his pockets as he crossed the room, and leaned over to me. “Believe it or not, that poison thing… She meant it as a huge compliment.”
I looked around the room, five sets of eyes all waiting for my response. Brit looked like she might burst from anticipation. My gaze fell to my Uggs. “Well, If I’m going to save the world, I’m going to need better shoes.”
Brit threw her arms around my neck, resting her head on my arm. “Welcome back,” she said. I wasn’t back, but I had taken my first step forward.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Harry had texted me a few times last night. He wanted to hang out. The sad part is, I wanted to hang out, too. Yes, my relationship with Harry had taken a dark turn, but before that there was understanding and laughter, and an escape. I so wanted to feel that escape again. But that progress report had scared the hell out of me, and since my friends had tried so hard to fix my life, I had to at least try their plan. And that meant saying no to Mr. Spike.
I pulled my hair into a pony tail, stuck on jeans, heeled knee-high black boots, and a comfy oversized ivory sweater with a thick, dark green scarf. It may be spring, but it still felt like winter. I sort of needed to see spring, to see the flowers return. It felt like I had been looking at ice and dead trees for years. It was depressing. I needed to see green and fresh buds on trees. I needed to see life, the return of warmer weather. And deep down, I hoped something else would return to me as well.
Brit and I didn’t talk too much as she drove me to my meeting. I wasn’t sure what I had expected. Maybe everyone in a circle saying how they had used. I expected to hear horror stories of people sleeping on the streets and sucking dick for their next hit. I almost hoped there would be aluminum chairs and cheap coffee all served in a church basement with the crucified Christ looking over us, practically screaming how he had real problems and didn't need to listen to their complaints.
Nope. That was the opposite of where Brit had taken me. The waiting room was sterile, a few rose fabric-covered chairs and a table with an assortment of magazines. There was a desk in the corner where the assistant sat. She flashed us a perfect smile and got up to greet us. Elton John’s Tiny Dancer played softly over the speakers. The assistant took my name and offered for Brit to sit in the waiting room, but I grabbed her wrist. “Oh hell no. You are so sitting next to me on that couch.”
“I don’t think I can. It’s supposed to be a personal experience,” she whispered back.
“Can she come in, too?” I looked hopefully at the assistant.
“Depends. Is she family?”
“Yes, she’s my sister.” Technically, I wasn’t lying.
“Then I guess it’s up to you. You might feel inhibited if she’s next to you.”
“I think I’d prefer it.”
“Okay.” The assistant smiled. I guess this was one of those places where they were afraid of chasing customers away, so they agreed whenever it was possible. We sat down and waited, and then I h
ad an alarming thought.
“Brit? How am I paying for this?”
“The first visit is free, since you were referred by the school.”
“How was I referred by the school?”
“I went to our guidance counselors and spoke to them before we spoke to you. They set this up for me.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know how I felt about that. I had always been such a model student, I didn’t want to be the pity case in the faculty room. I guess I had to trust that they would treat her questions as a confessional.
Dr. Rivers opened the door to her office and called me inside. Brit leaned over. “I think you should go in alone. If you need me, I’m right here.”
Well thanks for bailing on me, sis. It was a small room with two couches and a coffee table. There were even fresh flowers. How disappointing.
“Hi, Kristen. I’m Dr. Rivers.” She offered her hand, and I noticed her red nails and huge diamond ring. She was married, and for some reason, that bothered me. I wasn’t sure why. I took it personally. Like she was some stupid informercial. I have the perfect life, and now you can, too…
“Hi,” I said meekly.
“Have a seat.”
I looked longingly at Brit, who remained in her seat. I imagined I had a cocoon lodged in my stomach and at that precise moment, it was cracked opened. But instead of pretty butterflies, I had a belly full of moths, my very core rotting.
Dr. Rivers was smiling, and it seemed sincere enough. She had short brown hair, rosy cheeks, and green eyes. She was probably in her fifties, and I bet thirty years ago she was a fox. Time was a cruel thing.
When the door closed behind us, the room got smaller. Dr. Rivers offered me water, but I declined. She sat down with her iPad in her lap. “So, what would you like to talk about?” she asked.
What would I like to talk about? I had no clue. “My friends wanted me to come here. They thought it would be a good idea.”
“And why is that?”
“Uh, because my life fell to shit three months ago.” I laughed… It was a fake laugh. She knew it, and I knew it.
