by Karen Anne
They say time heals all wounds. But it’s been almost five months since I kissed you good-bye at the airport, and it still hurts just as bad as it did that day.
How do I heal, David? How do I move on? How do I breathe?
I can’t.
I fear I never will. You were my first love. But I didn’t want you to be my first. I wanted you to be my only. Is that selfish?
I’ve tried to bring myself to delete photos of you from my phone— they’re still there.
And although I packed up all your stuff and brought it back to your apartment, I secretly kept one of your shirts, and I often sleep in it, for that’s the closest thing I have to your arms around me. That and the kitten that is turning into a lanky teenager. Sometimes I find myself talking to that little beast about you. He’s like the child left behind in our divorce. I feel like I need to talk about his “father” or else he’ll forget. Mostly, I just don’t want to forget.
You’re the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I hope that one day, our lives will cross paths again. But if they don’t, please know that I wish you nothing but success and love in your life.
Our time together is tattooed across my heart forever.
I love you, David Archer.
Yesterday. Today. Always.
Forever yours,
Kristen
I reread the letter, thinking how pathetic I sounded. I was glad David would never see it. But Dr. Rivers insisted I do this as part of my therapy, and in the weeks that followed that pivotal night with Harry, I had a brand new outlook on life. I tried to attack everything with the slaying attitude I used to possess, beginning with taking therapy as seriously as I did my undergrad classes. I had turned all my grades around, and with the amount of extra credit I had done, coupled with the hours of studying I put in to ace my exams, there was no longer a question: I was back on track and would be graduating on time.
Looking at the letter again, I took out a lighter and held the paper over the ashtray, ready to burn that sucker and send my intentions out into the loopy spirit realm like Dr. Rivers had instructed. But I stopped myself. I couldn’t do it.
“Hey, you need a ride to the Draught? I’m heading over there,” Brit said.
Tearing my gaze away from the letter, I nodded. “Yeah sure.”
“What were you doing?”
I handed Brit the paper. “My homework.” I shrugged. “Maybe one day I’ll be able to look back on this and not feel so raw. Maybe I’ll smile and say how I remembered loving him.”
I couldn’t watch Brit read it. I didn’t want to see the array of emotions play across her eyes. So instead, I held my head down, focused on the high gloss shine from my manicure. Natalie was a tyrant when it came to my beauty regime. Risking a peek, I looked at Brit. She had turned the letter over and was now on the back page. When she had finished, she drew her gaze up, locking her eyes with mine. Empathy shined back at me. I half expected Brit to hug me. “Why don’t you send this to him?”
“I can’t. I’m too scared.” Wasn’t that obvious? I mean, I put it in the letter. Didn’t she read that part? “Besides, no idea where to send it.”
“That’s not true. You have his address. Just a few months ago you had sent him care packages.”
Damn. She always was able to point out things I had overlooked. Still, I shook my head.
“Kristen, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. If he says no, you’re exactly in the same place you are now.”
“I’m glad you think so highly of me. But I’m afraid I’m just not strong enough to hear that no, Brit.” I crumpled the letter and tossed it in the trash. “Come on. I have to get to work.” I bent down and kissed the kitten, who was sleeping curled up on the corner of my bed. “Bye, Beast.” He twitched his nose in response.
“Hey, Kris, you mind taking my shift next Friday night?” Erik asked as we wiped down tables to close the Draught.
“Sure, why?”
“I got tickets to see Dave Matthews in Philly. I’m going to take Brit.”
“I don’t think Brit is really into Dave Matthews. Now Dave Navarro is another story.”
“Ha. You’re hysterical. She already knows. She’s excited.” He was smiling as he turned chairs over and put them on the tables.
“Excited?”
Erik looked at me and thought about it. “Indifferent,” he decided.
“That’s what I thought. Yeah, I’ll cover for you. It’s not like I have a life or anything.”
“Are you kidding? Look around you, this is like coolness central.” Erik spread his arms wide, his gaze taking in the coffee house.
“I said I’d cover your shift, no need to patronize me.”
“Thanks, I owe ya one.”
“Eh. You helped out that night with Harry. I’d say we’re even.”
He nodded, and I wondered if I had made it weird. We hadn’t spoken about Harry since the night of the incident. But that didn’t stop me from thinking about him every day. I knew, deep down, Harry wasn’t bad. I had to believe that. He just became a different person when he was using. I had a feeling he was doing heavier stuff, too. Stuff I didn’t even know about. But it was all speculation. I knew he wouldn’t be in rehab forever, and part of me wanted to see him. To set things straight. Then, there was the part of me that recalled how different I behaved when I was with him. How I had almost lost myself in the process. And that part smacked some sense into me and said, “Girl, stay away.”
And staying away was the right decision, for several reasons. Hanging out with Harry meant I’d eventually cross paths with other members of David’s family. Or worse… David himself. I wondered what he would have done had he known how far things almost went with Harry. I wondered who he would hate more. Harry for offering me those pills, or me for putting myself in several intimate situations with him. But like a lot of questions I had lately, I knew I’d never really get an answer.
THIRTY-FOUR
Just because I was locked in my room with the music on didn’t mean I was ignorant of the commotion buzzing outside my walls. It was the day of the Spring Formal, and the girls were out there preparing for battle. For the new members, it was exciting and romantic. For the seniors it was nostalgic. Their last formal. And I wouldn’t be there.
I had tossed the idea around in my head to take Harry, but that was before everything went sour. No, instead I would be like Cinderella tonight, watching from my window as everyone left for the ball. I’d probably just binge watch crappy reality shows and go to bed early. Once they were gone, I could pretend it was any old night. It was the waiting for them to leave that sucked.
There was a light knock on the door before it cracked open and a burst of purple hair pierced through. “Can I come in?” I glanced at Brit, her trademark locks were woven into a fancy braid that cascaded over her right shoulder.
“Yeah.”
Brit walked in, holding her skirts in one hand, and closed the door behind her. I knew Brit was taking a fashion class and therefore set on making her formal dress this year, but I never expected to be so impressed. The top was a black corset that laced up in the front and back with a black rose pattern embroidered in the fabric. The skirt was layers and layers of silky sheer black that ruffled and cascaded to the floor. It was stunning, and I couldn’t stop staring at her. “You look incredible.”
Her cheeks flushed. “Thanks. I’m just hoping my stitches hold. I had to rush the back and almost put in Velcro at the last minute because I was too tired to sew anymore.”
I got out of bed and walked around her, touching the dress and admiring her craftsmanship. “I’m seriously blown away. You’re like a gothic princess or something.”
“Uh… I’m going to take that as a compliment.” She smiled and glanced down at the floor where my laundry had landed instead of the basket.
I crossed my arms and cleared my throat, hoping to pull her attention away from my mess. The responsi
ble thing would be to put up a load of clothes before I began to rot my brain in front of the TV. “Did you need anything, or did you just want to show off your mad skills?”
“Oh, I don’t need anything. I came to see if you need anything.”
“Me? No, I have a date with Haagen-Dazs later and a season of the Bachelor to catch up on.”
Brit shook her head. “You’re not missing your last formal, Kris. I won’t allow that. Go get in the shower, and be quick.”
“I’m not going, Brit.” My voice was firm, but there was no way she was going to get me to budge on this. “I have nothing to wear.”
“Well, I know for a fact you have a closet full of dresses.”
She had me there. “Truth?”
“Truth.”
“Going alone is too depressing. I’ve always gone with David.”
“Hon, I get that. I so get that. But this isn’t about dancing with a guy, it’s about your last formal. Not to mention, it’s the last formal I’ll ever go to with you. Please, make some more memories with me.”
Her brown eyes were filled with sadness. Damn her! Why did I have to love this girl so much?
“Brit, I would never want to disappoint you—”
“Then don’t.” She stepped forward. “Please, get in the shower. I’ll figure out your outfit.”
“I’ll be a third wheel. You want to be with Erik tonight. You don’t need to babysit me and make sure I’m not about to throw myself off of a bridge. I’ll be fine, it’s just one night.”
Brit groaned and gave me a shove. “I stopped listening to you like five minutes ago. Get in the shower.”
I knew if the roles were reversed, I never would have given up on her, and therefore knew she’d never give up on me. I had no choice but to shower, shave my legs, and look a bit more human. Huh. Looked like Cinderella was going to the ball after all.
When I came back in, Brit had a dress laid out on my bed. I looked at the black and white fabric. I had worn it two years ago, and it was my favorite. “I can’t wear that. I wore it already. It’s too memorable.”
“Don’t be like Summer. You can wear a dress more than once.”
I gnawed on my bottom lip, recalling how David had dressed all in black that night. Black suit, black shirt, black tie. The red boutonnière I had given him had popped off his lapel, and my red corsage was just as bold on my wrist. It was a stupid thing, a flower on your hand, but it didn’t mean I didn’t want one tonight. My stomach twisted. This was a bad idea. I was only going to feel lonely and depressed and probably spend the majority of my night crying in the bathroom.
“I dug out your black pumps. Do you own any shoes that don’t sparkle?”
“Not really,” I replied as I slipped on my underwear beneath my robe. At least I didn’t have to care about wearing cotton panties instead of sexy lace. No one would be undressing me tonight.
I finished getting dressed and sat in front of my vanity to do my make-up. My reflection looked dead. I couldn’t smile because I couldn’t feel. I was more a doll that Brit was playing with than an actual person. I allowed her to pull back my brown hair into a low bun at the base of my neck. She used my curling iron to give me a loose curl on my left side. Looking in the mirror, I was physically ready for formal. But emotionally, I was just an empty shell.
I realized this was the moment where I chose to move on from David. It wasn’t when I popped a pill or kissed Harry back. That was just putting a bandage over the hurt. This was a conscious decision to move on, go to an event I would have gone to with David. Only this time, I’d do it alone. It was somewhat empowering, but it was also terrifying for it meant I had finally accepted our break up as final and chosen to breathe without being hooked up to machines.
I placed my hand over Brit’s. Touching made her uncomfortable, but I didn’t care. “Thanks, Brit. I really don’t want to go, but I know I have to.”
“I understand this is a big step. But you won’t be alone. I promise.”
I gave her hand a squeeze and slipped on my heels. Looking once more in the mirror, I was ready to leave. Brit walked out first, and I grabbed my clutch purse, stuffing my wallet and lipstick inside. That was about all that fit.
“Is Erik driving or do I need keys?” I asked, debating the need for a different bag.
“Erik is driving me,” Brit said, and I felt my brows narrow in confusion. I guessed I was supposed to drive myself. So much for her not leaving me alone.
“Wait. Let me get my keys.”
“You don’t need your keys.” Brit dropped her gaze to her skirt, smoothing out a crinkle. “Your date said he’d drive.”
“Date? You didn’t say anything about a date.”
“I know… But I did promise you wouldn’t be alone.” Brit flashed a deviant grin and for a moment, I wondered if David was downstairs. It was hard not to get my hopes up. Brit pulled up her layers of skirts and headed downstairs. My dress fell to the knee, so I had nothing to hold on to but the bannister. Each step was deliberate and scary. I wanted David to be sitting in the living room so bad, but reality reminded me that was impossible. He was across the country, not a few feet away.
Brit turned the corner, and I heard her say, “We’re ready.”
“Good, there’s fashionably late and then there’s missing the entrée,” a voice said with a laugh. I knew that voice. And I felt my bottom lip tremble at the realization my date wasn’t David. I took a deep breath and headed into the living room. Brit was beside Erik. He was in a black suit, white shirt, and black tie. He had a purple rose boutonnière fastened to his lapel, and he was slipping Brit’s matching corsage over her wrist. They were lost in each other, and not wanting to intrude, I turned and looked at my date for the first time.
“Hey, Kris, you look beautiful.”
I nervously smoothed out my dress. “Thanks, Jaime. You look great, too.” I wasn’t lying. Jaime was one of the most attractive men on campus. With his black hair, light green eyes, and chiseled jaw, he was known for turning a few heads. He had on a dark grey suit with a light grey shirt and a charcoal tie. I noticed his suit was the kind with the vest underneath, and I felt a pang as I missed David.
Taking a breath, I walked over to him. “So, what favor did you owe Brit to get stuck with me?”
Jaime tilted his head and furrowed his brow in confusion. “I’m not stuck with you. I wanted to take you.”
“You did?” I asked, feeling skeptical. He stepped closer, and I saw he had a clear plastic box with a yellow rose inside.
“Yeah, I mean, I know what it feels like to go to these things and not be with the person you want to be with. So I thought maybe we could be miserable together?”
I felt my heart soften. He was always with Beaver, but whether or not his frat brothers had figured it out was beyond me.
“Anyway, I had no clue what dress you would wear so I went with your sorority flower. That and a yellow rose means friendship, so you wouldn’t get the wrong idea and try to make out with me.”
I laughed for the first time that night. “I’ll behave, I promise.”
Jaime leaned in closer and slipped the rose over my wrist. Against the black, I looked like a bee, but I wasn’t about to complain. “Yeah, well, I can’t be too sure with you Delta Sigs.” He winked and nodded toward Brit.
“I heard that!” she snapped back. Brit had kissed Jaime last year, before she was with Erik, and every once and a while, he made sure she didn’t forget it.
Jaime had been a great date all night, not allowing me to sit unless we were eating, and even with a slow song on, he still twirled me around the floor. I locked my wrists around his neck and asked him what I had been curious about for a while. “Can I ask you something personal?”
He shrugged. “Sure.”
“How do you deal with not being able to be with Rob?” I asked referring to Beaver by his real name. “I’m dying from my break up. I can’t imagine if David was actually here and I couldn’t dance with him or kiss him
out in the open.”
“It’s not easy. But it’s all I ever knew. I was aware at an early age that my father would have killed me had he known, so I got really good at keeping it hidden. When I came here, I thought about just being myself, but the secret was so much a part of me, I didn’t know how to be honest. Then I pledged, started dating Summer, and before I knew it, I was already labeled as a certain kind of guy. Honestly, when Rob and I got together I was so relieved because it meant there was just one tiny part of my life that was normal. So, I live for those moments. I know our time will come, it’s just a few months away.”
“Do you love Rob?”
Jaime blushed. It was rare he let his guard down like that. “Of course I do. Why would you ask that?”
“If you love him, I wouldn't wait a few more months. I’d start living the life you want right now. If this year has shown me anything, it’s how quickly life can change. Cherish what you have, Jaime. Hold him close and never let go.”
Jaime pulled me closer and kissed my cheek. “David has no idea the treasure he lost.” Startled by his words, I rested my head against his shoulder, willing myself not to cry.
THIRTY-FIVE
My day was not off to a great start. Last night, we all got in pretty late from the formal, and I had forgotten to set my alarm and foolishly slept in, thinking I had the morning off. I didn’t, and now I was running as fast as I could to get out of the house in time to help open the coffee shop. I nearly bull-dozed the mailman over as I trampled down the steps. “So sorry!” I yelled as he stood with his hand outstretched. I think he had intended to give me the mail instead of dropping it in the box. My bad.
