by Karen Anne
His legs were jittery, bouncing up and down to try and regain composure as his imagination got the best of him. We were both there, but only I knew the truth, and I didn’t think I could reassure him to believe he was anything shy of a monster that night. He looked up at me and took a slow, deliberate breath. “I know an apology can’t take back that night. But… I am so, so sorry.”
I only nodded in response. I didn’t want to say it was okay. Because his behavior wasn’t okay. It was still a blur of emotion for me. It wasn’t a black and white situation; it had vivid shades of grey. “So you’ve gone through this before?”
“Yes. It’s my second time going through the process. Last time I did twenty-eight days, and I felt ready to leave, but when I did, it was rough out there. I was good though. I was good for years. Until recently. Again, I’m so sorry.”
Already getting tired of hearing his apology, I nodded, allowing this information to absorb. “Forgiveness starts with understanding, but I can’t understand what I don’t know. Care to let me in?” I sounded like my shrink.
Harry took a breath. “It’s a long story.”
I leaned back against the bench and crossed my legs. “I’ve got time.”
His mouth twitched, a flicker of a smile present for the first time since he saw me. “All right.” He took a deep breath, leaned back, and began. “Back when I was in New York, I was going to this really fancy culinary school. There were chefs from all over the world studying there, and I was really intimidated. I started obsessing over my dishes and studying like crazy. I knew only the top chefs would continue, and only the best in the class would be recommended to the fancy restaurants in New York. Like I said, the competition was tough, and hours were long. I started taking caffeine pills to stay awake when coffee just wouldn’t do.”
I nodded, not sure how caffeine led to rehab. I poured coffee for people all the time now, guilt free.
“Then, when I came home, my heart was racing like a goddam engine, and I couldn’t slow it down unless I took a sleeping pill,” Harry explained, and I started making connections. “I continued this cycle for a while, running myself ragged just trying to stay on track. There was pressure in school, but mostly it was pressure I was placing on myself. I had this need to be the best. A determination to prove something. See, when I told my family I wanted to be a cook, it was sort of a joke. My father and brother are so blue collar. My dad owns a bike shop, and my brother works with him.” I knew David had bought his bike from his Uncle’s shop. It wasn’t until now that I realized the shop owner was Harry’s father. “I was this delicate flower in their eyes. I couldn’t get my hands dirty. But that wasn’t it, I just wanted to create, not fix. So, I knew I had to make it big, or I’d forever be a joke. The pressure on myself was self-inflicted. The struggle to keep up, a stress I invented. I’m my own worst enemy.” His words struck a nerve. Hadn’t I put so much stress on myself to get into Juilliard, move to the city, and live happily ever after?
“So, sooner or later, the uppers and downers caught up with me, and I started getting really stressed. I saw therapists, and they pumped me up with shit, anti-depressants. I wasn’t depressed. I was stressed, and that stuff just made me more zombie like, which was the last thing I needed. I was at my wits end, searching for a cure, and then I found one.” He ran his hand over the brim of his hat, following the curve, while he exhaled slowly. “A guy at school handed me some opiates, and just like that, the stress was gone. The fear of not being good enough was gone. The inability to sleep, gone. I could take the edge off, mask the anxiety, work, sleep, and study all without breaking stride.”
The first pang of sympathy hit me. I knew how I felt when I had taken the same drug.
“But I started to enjoy how I felt too much. I started drifting, and instead of looking toward my next exam, I started chasing my last perfect high. I became obsessed, and shit fell apart. My parents wanted me out of New York. They rented a small summer house in Pennsylvania in an attempt to get me away from the fast pace of the city. I went to rehab and right about the time I got clean, David was looking to move to the US, but he couldn’t afford the city, so it made sense for the both of us to just remain in Pennsylvania.”
“Did David know about how bad it got with you?” For some reason this was important to me.
“He heard stories but never saw it firsthand. David knew I was out of rehab, but I was doing good. I had followed the steps and was making a life for myself here. Not a great one, but a life nonetheless.” He ran his teeth over his bottom lip.
“I still had a stash. It was my crutch. No one knew about it, not even David. I would often take it down, look at it and smile, reminding myself of how I had beat my addiction. But that night you came over, and you couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to help you.” His gaze locked on mine, his sapphire eyes sad. “You have to understand something, Kris. I always had a thing for you.” His voice shook as he admitted what I already knew. “I’m pretty sure that was obvious. But I would never cross a line with my cousin. I respected him and your relationship, but when he left you were hurting, and I thought I had everything in control. I thought without the pressures of school, it would be just like having a drink at the bar. I forgot the power these little pills had over me.”
My mouth twitched, not sure how to respond. He thought he could handle the pills. And in his twisted attempt to be my knight in shining armor, he only caused more damage. “But, you didn’t know how I’d react!” My words were sharp, like a whip snapping us both back into reality. The shock of how far I could have fallen suddenly very apparent. This was what Brit saw weeks ago, and I was only truly realizing it now. His head snapped up. His eyes wide and filled with dread. The shock washed over me as I took a shaky breath and spoke again. “What if I had become addicted too? You took a serious risk. One that wasn’t yours to take.” My voice was calmer now as I regained my composure, reminding myself where we were. That night I took my first pill, I had given him my power, and now it was time to take it back.
“I know, and for that I will never be able to forgive myself.” I knew Harry was drowning in guilt, but I was still confused and didn’t quite know how to process all this new information.
I crossed my arms. “You know, I thought you left New York over heart break. I assumed it was some tragic love story.”
His eyes softened, his gaze intent upon mine. “No. For me, the tragic love story began when David introduced me to his girlfriend.”
That stung, and it was unfair to put me in this position. “You don’t love me, Harry. You love the idea of me.” I shook my head again, refusing to believe him. “The pills made you feel things… and you associate that euphoria with love.” I said sadly, recalling how I had tried to patch up my heart ache with his pills. Funny how something so tiny could cause such destruction for both of us.
“That’s not true. My feelings for you were always real, Kris. No drug created them.” He spoke with conviction, forcing me to pay attention. “I would like to think we had one pure moment together, just one that belonged to us. But everyone I can recall is tainted with darkness.”
I took a breath, trying to find the words to prove him wrong, but there weren’t any.
“Deep down in my heart I always knew you belonged with David. Even if you were broken up, you’d forever be his girl. I had to accept that. I guess I thought the pills could hide the truth. Make us forget.” He forced a laugh. “At least I know I wasn’t a total dick. When I had full capacity of my senses, I knew enough to respect certain boundaries. Plus, I knew I wasn’t the guy you loved.”
He was right. Having that one moment without the veil of narcotics would still have been a lie because he would have been someone to drown my pain in. Someone to make me forget about David. I hadn’t been ready to move on from David. I still wasn’t.
I sighed, completely worn out from this conversation. Too many truths revealed. Things I wish I had known months ago. But I had to take responsibility as well. I wasn’t ex
actly innocent either. “You didn’t hold a gun to my head, Harry. I made my own choices, too. Horrible choices, but choices nonetheless. I have to live with the past few months just as you do.”
“That’s so you, Kris. Taking responsibility for my mistakes, but this is all on me.” I opened my mouth to argue, but he continued. “I’m glad you wanted to call David. You deserve a man who will always protect you, not place you in danger.”
I placed a timid hand over his. “The Harry I know, the incredibly talented chef and sweet guy doesn’t need to pop a pill to be amazing, he already is.”
“I wish I could believe that, Kris.”
“I wish you could, too.” I let go of his hand and got up. “I better go.”
“Why do I feel like I may never see you again?” His voice cracked, tugging at my heart one last time.
“If I’ve learned anything it’s this, life is unexpected. You’re right. Our paths may never cross again, but I hope they do.” Drawing in a shaky breath, I forced a smile. “Good-bye, Harry.”
He caught my wrist and looked up at me. Behind his glasses, his eyes were wet with the onset of tears, turning them to a shade of cobalt. He stood up and stepped closer. “Kris, I know I was a mess that night. I said a lot of things. But there was one thing I said that I meant.” He pressed his lips together tightly, taking a breath as if it would give him courage. “I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. You were my dream. And I became your nightmare.” He paused, and my heart trembled from his confession. “I will spend the rest of my life regretting what I did to you.”
In that moment, I forgave him. But I didn’t say the words. Instead, I raised my palm to the side of his cheek, and he leaned into my touch, eyes closed in a moment of unhindered vulnerability. Before I could think it through, I surrendered, brushing my lips against his. The kiss was soft, chaste, yet comforting. It healed the pain between us, becoming the one pure moment we never had. And I knew in my heart, it was the only one we would ever have. Harry knew, too. He looked at me, eyes wide in surprise but filled with understanding. I squeezed his hand and nodded in silence before breaking free of his touch and walking away.
It was enough. It had to be. There was only so much heartache I could take.
THIRTY-EIGHT
When I came home from the rehab facility, Summer was on the couch reading her latest copy of Glamour magazine. I tried to sneak past her, but she clearly wasn’t about to ignore me. Tossing the magazine on the couch, she popped up. “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?”
I really didn’t want to talk to Summer. We hadn’t spoken since the night I slapped her. Instead, we avoided each other, pretending the other sister didn’t exist. Secretly, I was hoping to move out without having to say a fake farewell.
I crossed my arms. “What’s up?”
“I… well…”
“Summer, I have a lot to pack. Please spit it out.”
“I wanted to apologize. I was really insensitive over your break up. I was just so pissed over losing the election.”
“The election was last spring.”
She tossed her golden hair over her shoulder. “I know, I never really got over it.”
Was that meant to make me feel bad for her? “But in the end, you won, so I guess you got everything you ever wanted.”
“Not really. I pushed you. I knew exactly what I was doing that night. Although I expected you to verbally flip out, I never actually expected you to hit me.”
The smack heard around the Greek community. Brit told me she was going to write a song about it. But I couldn’t laugh now. I had hit her, and it was wrong. If I learned anything from Harry today it was owning your mistakes. “Well, for that, I apologize.”
“We used to be friends,” Summer said, looking like she was truly regretful. That’s what happened when graduation was around the corner: everyone’s emotions went into hyper-drive.
I sighed. Summer wasn’t my favorite person, but that didn’t counter all the stuff we had gone through together. Four years of sisterhood. She was my pledge sister. We had involuntarily intertwined ourselves in each other’s lives. “We still can be. I only want the best for you, Summer.”
The corners of her mouth lifted. “Do you really mean that?”
“Of course I do. There’s no reason why we can’t keep in touch. We are sisters after all,” I added to soften the blow of hitting her months ago.
Summer gave me a hug—a real hug. “Thanks, Kristen. I promise to look after Brit for you.” Summer was staying on campus to get her Master’s in education.
I laughed. “I think Brit can handle herself.”
“You’re right.” She smiled and wiped at her eye. Was she actually teary? Senior fever had struck her. “Oh! I forgot, there was a delivery for you earlier. It’s in your room.”
“Thanks.” I grabbed my bag and jogged up the stairs, singing a little Adele as I opened my door. And that’s when my world stopped. My heart no longer beat, and the air was knocked right out of my lungs. She told me I had a delivery. This was the last delivery I had expected. For there, sitting on my bed, was David with Beast asleep in his lap.
I didn’t know what to say. There were too many words, too many questions. I wanted to run into his arms, kiss him a thousand times, tell him I was sorry, tell him I still loved him. But instead, I stepped inside, shut the door behind me, and leaned against the wood, still in a momentary state of complete and utter shock.
Luckily, David spoke first. “Your hair is red.”
I raised my hand and smoothed out my hair, wondering if I looked all right. “Your hair is brown,” I said with a shaky voice. Not only was all his silver gone, his hair was cut into a new short style that hung over his brow in the front. He had a short beard, too. He looked better than I could have imagined.
His gaze fell to my arm, my hand still fiddling with my hair. His eyes widened, and he gave a slight smile. “You have a tattoo.”
I dropped my hand and crossed my arms, hiding what I had done. “Should I point out how many you have?”
“It’s not a contest. I’m just surprised.”
I dropped my arm, revealing the water color tat and rubbed my fingers over the ink. It had completely healed and looked really good. “You knew I wanted it.”
“Yes, I just thought I’d be there.”
So did I. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. “Brit was there. She held my hand.”
David nodded, knowing he should have been the one holding my hand. “Did Pete do it?”
“Yeah.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God. I’d hate to think you went to some shady bloke with a dirty needle.”
“I’m not stupid.” The words came out more defensive than I had intended.
“I never said you were.”
I rolled my eyes. This was not how I had imagined seeing him again. “Are we really arguing about this?”
“I’m not arguing about anything. I’m just talking excessively because I’m afraid if I stop, you’ll disappear.”
“I’m not the one that disappeared,” I said, the pain present on my tongue. David looked at me for a moment then dropped his gaze to the cat in his lap. I didn’t want to fight. I wanted to run to him, throw my arms around his neck and just laugh at how foolish I had been. But I couldn’t. It felt like there was an invisible wall between us, and I had no idea how to break through the barrier.
“I heard your song,” I said softly, not knowing what else to say. He was like this beautiful apparition before me. “It was… incredible.”
“It was us,” he said tenderly, and I could only nod as he acknowledged what I already knew.
It felt like forever since I had heard him speak with his alluring accent and velvety timbre. However, it was jaded. The most painful word he could ever say to me he had just said. Was. As in, the past. Not the present and never the future.
David stood, gently placing Beast on the bed. He stuffed his hands into his pockets. And I looked him over. He loo
ked so different, yet the same. “Without that song there would be no record, no album, no anything,” he continued. “Of course, the lyrics did change from their original version, but the melody remained intact.” He offered a smile. “Tattooed kisses is what got me my deal.”
“So, you finally have everything you’ve ever wanted.” I forced myself to smile in return, to be the supportive woman I couldn’t be before.
“Not everything.” His words were attached to my heart, and I was afraid to breathe.
“What else could you possibly need?”
“Kristen, you know all I ever wanted was you. I’ve experienced the record stuff, had a taste of fame, had that moment when I heard my song on the radio for the first time— it all meant nothing because you weren’t there to share it with me.”
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. “Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“I did call. You wouldn’t take my calls.”
“But after… I needed time to cool off, yes, but you gave up so easily. Just tell me why? How could you throw me away like that?”
“Kris, my intent was never to make you feel like I had thrown you away. You were so mad, and I was consumed with work… then there was Danny… I thought you hated me. You’re so strong willed. I figured you’d had enough of me.”
Had enough of him? Could I ever have enough? “I was hurt, tremendously hurt. But I could never hate you.”
David paused, taking a deep breath. He was shaking. Perhaps he was more nervous than I was. Was that even possible? “I didn’t know how to prove I was faithful when I was an ocean away. And that night when we argued, I said all the wrong things.” David took a step toward me, and I began to weaken my resolve. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a very crumpled piece of paper. “When Brit sent me this, I thought I was dreaming. I must have read it a thousand times.”
