Avery’s been gone. The guys are gone for good, but I’m not sure if I regret that. Kyle was a prick and Steve was a dumb jock that didn’t have any of his own ideas. I haven’t asked Dawn if she’s still seeing him.
I do regret making that phone call to the Portland hospital about Avery. I totally betrayed her. Yeah, I was worried she’d lost it. I was worried she’d make a fool of herself or even worse, put herself or Marcus in danger somehow. I was freaked out about the whole thing, worse than I’ve ever been in my life.
I caught myself sighing and sunk down into my seat. Tony even paused his lecture to stare at me. It probably sounded like I was bored out of my mind. The truth is I’m getting a little panicky from running all of this through my head.
I shouldn’t have come to class; I haven’t heard a word of the lecture. I glanced around. Everyone was staring ahead blankly, writing notes, or covertly tapping on their phones.
I spaced the entire rest of class and bolted when it ended. Outside, overcast clouds made it feel too bright. Maybe I just needed to go home and take a nap. Maybe restart my day. I turned to head back the other way and bumped into someone.
“Sorry—Nash?”
“Hi… I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
We both stared. What could I say after our earlier conversation?
“I’m fine.” People streamed by as we stood still. I couldn’t take any more of this, whatever it was, and started walking away.
A minute later I glanced back. He’d walked down the path but looked back just as I did.
What the hell was going on between us?
Chapter Nine
Avery
It’s a strange thing to come home when you’re a completely different person and everything has changed. I sat in the idling car on the street. The house stood there looking the same, and somehow the dissidence of it all split me down the middle.
Still, I pushed that aside, pulled into the garage and turned off the car, and started gathering things to take inside. It’d gotten messy between running up to Portland, the coast, back to Portland…
Too bad Portland and Ashland are on opposite sides of the state and five hours apart. Portland is literally at the very north point while Ashland is just a few miles short of the southern border with California. At least they’re both on I-5.
“Avery?” Jazz’s soft voice sounded surprised.
I turned around and couldn’t hold back a smile of pleasure. She had her long black hair up in a knot like she does when she draws, and she wore a long shirt over leggings.
“Jazz, oh my gosh, I’m glad to see your face.” I stepped over and grabbed her in a hug before she could argue.
A minute later she pulled back. “So you’re really not mad?”
“Mad?” I really hoped it wouldn’t be weird between us. I needed a friend. “Jazz…”
“I totally turned you in.” Remorse filled her fine features, crinkling her face.
“Well, what were you supposed to do?” I asked with a shrug. “Let’s just forget about it.”
She looked at the car behind me and grabbed a stack of stuff. I got my bag and a few loose things and followed her inside. We walked back to my room to set things down and then I flopped backwards across my bed while she sat in the computer chair.
“This feels a little weird, being home, like things are normal.” How crazy did that sound?
“Tell me what happened at the hospital.”
“They were planning to pull life support. That was around when you called. I was trying to talk them out of it, but of course they didn’t believe me. I know it sounded completely crazy. We thought we were out of time… So we went to the beach, Marcus and me.”
“How?”
“I drove…he talked. He wanted a trip like that for us, like I did with everyone else. We went and sat on the beach.” The evening rushed back—those beautiful, painful moments of quick eternity—but I didn’t want to tell her about all of it. “We talked all night, until I fell asleep, and then he was gone in the morning. I thought I’d lost him. But his sister Jen called me to say he woke up. Right when he woke up, he didn’t know who I was.” I try to say the words in a neutral voice. It’s hard describing the moments when he looked at me like a stranger, but I pushed through and told her the rest. Then that phone call… Ave, I love you, come home.
After several long quiet moments, I told her, “I didn’t know I could fall for someone like this.”
She didn’t comment. It wasn’t a bad silence but I finally lifted my head and looked at her. Skeptical Jazz. Her mouth was twisted to one side.
“Like what?” she asked, like it was a great mystery that she needed to figure out tonight.
“Like… it’s my head and heart and soul, and I want him, and I don’t feel like I have any control over it. I just need him. Just thinking about him makes everything inside me sing.”
She stared at me hard, and I could almost see smoke coming out of her ears. Why was she analyzing this so hard? Her gaze shifted to the wall above me and I let her think for a while. She mumbled something to herself, something like, so you didn’t have any choice?
Should I comment on that? Did I have anything to say? Then I noticed something on her leg, sticking out of her legging.
“Is that a tattoo?” I asked, sitting up.
She pulled her legging up to reveal a swirly design in blue. “Temporary tattoo in jagua ink. It’s natural like the henna I showed you before.”
I leaned closer. The swirls blended with a bird in flight. I did remember her henna habit. She ordered this mud off Amazon and drew patterns on her skin. After the mud dried and flaked off, it left a stain for a couple of weeks.
“This dries and comes off easier, but the design disappears for a few hours. Then it comes in dark blue like this.”
I had a feeling she liked it because it looked like real ink—and I think she’d mentioned wanting to become a tattoo artist. At one point, I almost thought she had dated one but she doesn’t talk about that.
“That’s really good, Jazz.” I could draw for a short while, with Marcus in my head. I doubt I can now.
“I’m getting there.” She stood up, still looking like her thoughts were elsewhere.
“So what about rent?” I asked, waving a hand toward the hallway and Dawn and Kristina’s rooms. “Kris just left?”
“Dawn is still here, but I think she might be avoiding me and all of this… I don’t know about Kris. She probably assumes you want her gone.”
What was I going to do about that? I already pay double rent because I get the garage and this room, with its own bathroom, but I can’t pay her part too. I had a trust fund from my parents, but it would only go so far. I had to budget like a boss.
We’d already agreed it’d be hard to get another roommate for spring term, especially since it was underway already. Jazz shrugged. This probably freaked her out. She’s a planner.
“We’ll get it figured out,” I told her, the best thing I could come up with.
“I have some studying to do,” she said, stepping through the door and adding, “I’m really glad you’re home.”
“Thanks, and goodnight,” I said, although I had a feeling she was off to draw or planning to head out. It used to drive Kris nuts trying to figure Jazz out. We all know she slips out to do things she never tells us about, and I’m guessing she’s hanging with other friends or drawing henna on people, or even taking more art classes. She’s very serious about all of that.
She was also still freaked out about this thing with Marcus and me. I decided to give her some time before bringing all this up again.
So now what? I texted Marcus to let him know I’d arrived home safely.
I wished his guitar was here. I felt the ache in my fingers to play, and the music bubbling up in my chest, but I had a sad feeling it wouldn’t work anymore. I won’t have that connection that gave me the ability to draw and play music.
The realization scared me. I stood up sud
denly started pacing in my small room, finding my hand tangled up in my hair, pulling on it. I wanted him. To touch him. To see him. So why does it bother me that I lost the other connection, and the way things were before?
But what if I could have some of those things? Maybe I can learn on my own. I grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil, then sat and stared at the lined blankness. I put the pencil down and started to move it. Without letting myself make the thought, I knew I was trying to draw Marcus. I tried to draw like he would, starting where he would start, and slowly filling in with the eyes, the shape of his nose, his mouth.
To my surprise, my hand created what I saw in my mind. It worked! I drew him. I wanted to draw his smile but for some reason, the eyes aren’t quite smiling—they were intensely looking out at me.
Oh, my gosh. I had captured his expression when he zeros in on my face, the look when he’s about to kiss me.
I suddenly heard my breathing: quick, happy, almost like a laugh over my creation. I grabbed my phone and snapped a picture, planning to text it to him. But then again, this was for me. And he hadn’t texted back so he was probably sleeping already.
I felt strange about it now and put the phone down. It was really late anyway.
So I stared at the drawing a few minutes and then got ready for bed. And I thought I was okay until I got under the covers, staring up at the ceiling, feeling all this darkness and aloneness all around me. And quietness. I wanted music. I thought about getting my phone to play some, but then I heard Marcus playing his guitar and singing in my head.
Why did it hurt so much? The bed felt wrong just like my life, and I couldn’t understand why I felt that way. Marcus was okay. We were okay. Life was fixable now.
The “fixable” just felt so big and scary right now.
“Marcus?” I whispered into the dark, gazing blindly up at the ceiling. “Are you there? I need you.”
I tried to breathe but my body shook, so I rolled onto my side and curled up, squeezing my eyes shut.
How was I supposed to focus on my life here when my thoughts would be up there with him?
I needed escape.
Please just let me go to sleep.
The words were like a prayer and I felt myself falling into sweet oblivion.
It wasn’t empty; it was the silence of a white, padded world where everything is brighter, clearer. The smell of snow filled my nose. Clean. Crisp. The cold, clean air shot into my lungs like a drug, racing through my veins and hitting my brain with a burst of serotonin. Pure happiness filled me.
I had a board under me and miles of pristine powder stretching out, inviting me to explore. Diamond-like sparkles speckled the snow, dancing in the sunlight and leading the way as I raced forward. Clear blue sky blessed me from above. Smelling pine, I turned my head. A forest stood off on one side decorating the edge of the clearing, and a mountain beckoned before me.
My core temp came up from the excitement. Pure, so pure. Such a singleness—it was just what I needed. I became aware of the board shhhing over the snow, and I suddenly loved that sound with a terrifying intensity.
Overflowing with gratitude, I yelled out, my jubilant voice filling the meadow and slopes and gullies.
I turned my body and took a new direction, gliding over a rolling section that felt like waves under me.
The slopes!
Marcus?
He filled my soul, his joy matching mine.
How’d we get here, babe?
I don’t know! I just know it feels great!
I know, right!! Let’s hit this!
With a whoop, we moved together, flying toward a hill, anticipation of the jump practically lifting us before the takeoff. We flew off the top.
It wasn’t anything fancy. No flips. No 180. No board grabbing.
The beauty of the ride just froze us in a silent flight out over the powder, feeling the cold wind on our skin. That’s what alive feels like. We landed, knees soft, and glided down.
My thoughts swirled, wondering how Marcus felt out here, with…reality back there. I felt his mind react, turn toward that thought, and then shove it away.
Who cares about that now?
I didn’t. Not when I can have this.
Wow, deep powder out here today.
I pulled in a super deep breath, wanting to capture as much as I could from here. I’d need it later.
We took the downhill, swinging around the few trees and enjoying it silently. Just being here. Just being.
A sharp incline came up and we took it fast. Probably too fast. It didn’t matter. We soared higher than possible, flying, laughing in the face of life.
I expected a complete yard sale but we just fell into the snow and rolled. That’s when I became aware we were both there—it wasn’t just his voice and being filling my head. We were both lying in the snow. His laughter filled the air, full and sure, one of those laughs that pause life. We ended up side by side on our backs, my arm over his.
I rolled my head to look at him—this was so different to see his face, the sky reflected in his eyes, the white of his teeth as he smiled.
What is this, I wondered, and he lifted his eyebrows in answer.
Just us. We’re different.
I laughed.
I love you, babe.
Marcus…
Light filtered in.
I was waking up in bed, alone. I felt around under the covers, half expecting Marcus to still be with me. He wasn’t, of course.
I’ve been free falling. When his life was in danger, nothing else mattered. But then he went back to his body, and out of my head, and I think I lost my way.
Marcus has dreams and a career. He’s going to fight like hell to get strong again and go after more competitions and medals. I know he can do it.
I need to remember my dreams and my life, and get back up and fix all of this. I don’t know if I can catch up on my school work and pass, or if I can fix things with my friends, but I’m not going to lay around and cry about it anymore.
Chapter Ten
Marcus
Whoa.
I grinned at the ceiling in the mostly dark room, still filled with warmth. With Avery. That was mind blowing. Freeing. So crazy.
Holy shit, I needed that—a few minute out on the slopes, a few minutes with the woman I love. A life line, that’s what that was.
I’d been spiraling down into… depression? Was that depression? It was new to me, this thing that sucked the life and energy and drive out of me. Being stuck here, like this, was killing me.
Not anymore… not after that and feeling so close to Avery again. The dream didn’t make any sense, but neither did the rest of my life. Like, how did I end up in this hospital bed? How did I end up in Avery’s head? Why Avery? Why me?
That was the most mysterious part. Why would a guy like me end up with her? Did fate have some crazy ass sense of humor? I can still remember those first few days in her head and how timid she seemed. If I would have been some guy on the street (but still like me) and she met me, we probably wouldn’t have made eye contact. I would have checked her out, and she would have looked down and hurried away.
And yet we were thrown together so we couldn’t even hide our thoughts from each other. Maybe that was for a reason. Maybe the universe wanted me to help Avery come out of her shell. I know she believes it happened so she could save my life, but maybe I’ve helped her too. And I have to make sure I keep doing that. I can’t let her leave her life in ruins. It’s my fault, but I’m going to make sure it gets fixed.
I stretched my body in the bed, feeling weak and sore, but I wouldn’t trade any of this if that meant I didn’t know her. That clarity surprised me. Maybe I was finally getting my head on straight.
I was alone for a change. It was too early for my family, and the staff was letting me rest. Anytime now, though, the nurses and therapist would intrude again and want me to go through all the monkey tricks.
Man, I’m starting to sound bitter. I’m alive. I�
�m in one piece. I’m going to recover. After all I’ve been through to get to here, this should be nothing. I’ve trained long and hard, and chased my dream all across the world. I’ve gone farther than I ever thought possible…even though I believed in it too.
Now I would chase my health and Avery. Just her name made me close my eyes, my body perking up and wanting her.
“Marc?” Jen’s soft voice startled me.
“Oh, hey, sis. You’re here early.” I fumbled around until I found the button to raise the bed. She reached for it too. “I got it. I can do some things for myself.”
“Like fall in love while you’re in a coma?”
“Huh, guess I can’t slip too much past you.” I tried for a laugh and she did too. “Does it make any sense to you?”
“Nope.”
She turned away from me and attached something to the wall, a big poster board. When she stepped back, I could see it was filled with photos of me in snow gear, others with me grinning with my boys, and our boards in the picture half of the time. A few photos showed me airborne in the middle of a flip on the slopes. My life stared back at me in photos. That’s who I am, not this weak person lying here.
“I thought some good memories might encourage you.” She folded her arms and stared at it for a minute before sitting by the bed.
“Noice! Thanks, sis.” I held up my fist and she gave me some love. We both looked at the photos for a minute and then I realized what was missing. “Where are you?”
“What?”
“You should have put some with you, sis.”
She laughed and dropped her head. Jen’s more of a behind-the-scenes person, but she’s always been there for me. I wished I had pictures of Avery and me too. Wait…
“Hey, will you check over there and see if she left my drawings?” I pointed, my heart jumping when I saw a stack of papers. Jen flipped through them, a smile forming on her face, and then she laughed.
In My Dreams (First Tracks Book 2) Page 6
