I went to say something, but Kellan’s stare stopped me. He narrowed his eyes at me, and I swore for a second I saw a glimpse of hatred.
His hands rubbed against his face over and over again as he tried to calm himself. When he spoke, he sniffled to hold back his own emotion. He tossed the pamphlets toward me, and when they landed in my lap, I read the words over and over again.
St. Michaels Health and Rehabilitation Clinic.
Waterloo, Iowa.
“Rehab?” I said. “You think I need rehab? You all think I need rehab? I’m fine.”
“You drove a car into a building,” Erika recited again for the hundredth time.
“It was an accident, Erika! Haven’t you ever made a mistake!”
“Yes, Logan. But not one that almost killed my boyfriend and sister. You’re a complete mess, and if you don’t get help, you’ll hurt more people than you already have.”
Where’s High?
“Listen, we are getting off track. Logan. We want to help. My dad will pay for your stay in Iowa. It’s one of the best facilities in the country. I think you could really get the help you need,” Kellan explained.
I opened my mouth to say something again, but Kellan caught my action. He narrowed his eyes at me, and I swore for a second I saw a glimpse of love.
A glimpse of hope.
A glimpse of pleading.
“Can I talk to my brother alone?” I whispered, closing my eyes. Everyone else in the room left, closing the door behind me. “I’m sorry, Kel,” I said, fiddling with my fingers. “I didn’t mean to cause the accident. I didn’t mean to. But after Alyssa said she was having an abortion—”
“What?” Kellan cut in.
“You didn’t know? Alyssa was pregnant. But she had an abortion a few weeks ago. Her mom took her, and it fucked with my mind, Kel. I know that I’ve been off these past few weeks, but my mind is messed up.”
“Logan…” Kellan moved in closer, pulling a chair up to the side of my bed. “She didn’t have an abortion.”
“What?” My heart started racing, and my fingers gripped the railing on the bed frame. “But her mom said—”
“Her mom kicked her out when Alyssa told her she was going to keep the baby. She wanted to tell you, but you freaking disappeared.”
I sat up, in pain, but filled with hope. “She didn’t do it?”
His stare fell to his hands, which were clasped together. “No.”
“So…” I choked on the emotions running through me. “I’m going to be a dad?”
“Logan,” Kellan said, shaking his head. His mouth parted, but he didn’t say anything for a moment. He brushed his hands against his temple. “During the car accident, she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. When you went to grab the wheel, she went to grab you. When the collision happened, she flew up and out of the back window when it shattered.”
“No.” I shook my head.
“She’s okay, but…”
“Don’t, Kellan.”
“Logan. She lost the baby.”
My thumbs pressed against my eyes to hold back the tears. “Don’t say that, Kel. Don’t say that.” I shoved him. “Don’t say that to me.”
“I’m so sorry, Logan.”
I began to sob into the palms of my hands, shaking hysterically. I did it. I caused the accident, I did this. It’s all my fault. Kellan wrapped his arms around me as I fell apart, unable to speak any words, unable to stop the hurt, unable to breathe. Each inhale felt painful, each exhale, a chore.
Chapter Thirteen
Alyssa
“Hey,” Logan whispered, walking into my hospital room. He was in his regular clothes, and the few bruises on his face didn’t seem that bad. I hoped he knew how lucky he was to walk away from that accident.
“Hi.” For the past day I sat in the hospital bed debating what I’d say to him. My emotions traveled up and down, going back and forth between grief and rage for a long time. I wanted to scream at him nonstop. I wanted to tell him how much I blamed him, how much resentment I held for him to even question my motives with the baby. I knew his dreams, and I knew his heart. I knew we could’ve found a way to make it work. But, he disappeared. I wanted to hate him for a little while, but the moment I saw him, everything inside of me switched.
I was simply heartbroken.
He opened his mouth, but shut it fast. His fingers ruffled through his hair, and he wouldn’t make eye contact. Everything felt like a dream—how close we stood, but how far away we still felt. It was a dream that I couldn’t shake, and I wanted Logan to be the one to wake me.
I wanted him to promise me that this was simply a dream that had somehow turned into a vile nightmare, but that when dawn came, I’d wake up.
I wanted to wake up. Please God…wake me up.
I sat on the right side of the bed, and my knees bent up to my chest. I choked on each breath I took. The air in the room was stuffy, toxic, dead. My need to cry grew heavier and heavier as my body shook. Just looking at Logan broke my heart into a million pieces, but I didn’t shed a tear. “I’m fine,” I finally said, feeling in every bone of my body that I wasn’t.
“Can I hold you?” he asked.
“No,” I said coldly.
“Okay,” he replied.
I looked down to my shaky hands, my mind jumbled. “Yes.”
“Yes?” he asked, his voice heightening a bit.
“Yes.”
His hand landed on my shoulder before he climbed into the hospital bed and wrapped me up into his hold. I shivered when I felt his fingers touch my skin for the first time in a long time as his fingers wrapped around me. “I’m sorry, High.”
His touch was so warm…
You came back to me.
The tears fell down my cheeks. My body was shaking uncontrollably as Logan held on strong, refusing to let go of me any time soon. Our foreheads fell against one another, and his warm tears intermixed with mine. “I’m so fucking sorry, High.” We stayed wrapped together, feeling the world on our shoulders, until we both fell asleep.
He came back.
When I awakened to find him still holding me, as if I were his lifeline, I turned my body to face him. He was sleeping; his inhales and exhales almost a whisper. My hands moved to his hands and I locked our fingers together. He stirred a bit before opening his eyes.
“Alyssa, I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know you were—I didn’t…” I’d never heard such vulnerability in his voice. The Logan who left my house weeks ago was so detached from me, from his emotions. But now, hearing him cry as he wrapped his hands around my face made the little bit of my heart that was still beating shatter. “I shouldn’t have gone off the deep end. I should’ve stayed. I should’ve talked to you. But now, because of me—because of me…” He buried his head into my shoulder as he lost himself. “I killed him,” he said, speaking of the baby. “It’s my fault.”
I took my hands and cradled his face the way he held mine. “Logan. Don’t do this to yourself.” I could almost feel the blame he felt as his eyes spilled out with emotion. I nestled my head against his neck and my hot breaths melted against his skin. My hooded eyes were exhausted and I blinked a few times before closing them and muttering against his ear. “Don’t do this to yourself.” I couldn’t hate him. No matter what happened, hating Logan wasn’t something I’d ever be able to do, but loving him? That love was always going to be there. We’d figure out how to move on from the terrible tragic accident together. It was us against the world, we’d stand together.
“I’m leaving,” he said, pulling himself together, wiping his eyes dry.
I sat up, alarmed. “What?”
“I’m leaving. I’m going to a rehab clinic in Iowa.”
My eyes lit up with anticipation. Earlier Kellan told me about the rehabilitation clinic, and we both really hoped Logan would take the ninety-day course. It wouldn’t take away the pain that we were both suffering through, but it would help him learn to handle it in a better way. “This is good,
Lo. This is good news. And then when you come back, we can start over again. We can be us again,” I swore.
He frowned, shaking his head. “I’m not coming back, High.”
“What?”
“When I leave True Falls, I’m not coming back. I’m never coming back to Wisconsin, ever, and I’m never coming back here.”
I slightly pushed away from him. “Stop it.”
“I’m not coming back. I always end up hurting people. I ruin lives, High. And I can’t keep messing up yours, or Kellan’s. I need to disappear.”
“Shut up, Logan!” I yelled. “Stop saying that.”
“I’ve seen how these things happen. We’d get on a routine, on a hamster wheel where we go round and round, and I keep screwing up your life. I can’t do that to you. I won’t.” He pulled himself up from the bed, then he stuffed his hands deep into his pockets. He shrugged once, giving me a broken smile. “I’m sorry, High.”
“Don’t do this, Lo. Don’t leave me like this,” I begged, taking his hands and pulling him closer to me. “Don’t leave me again. Don’t run. Please. I need you.” I couldn’t get through this without him. I needed him to help me learn to stand again. I needed his voice late at night, I needed his love early in the morning. I needed the one person who had lost what I lost to mourn with me. I needed my most painful low to stay by my side.
His lips kissed my forehead once, and then he whispered against my ear before turning around and leaving me shouting his name.
The last thing he said to me were words that played over and over again in my head. Words that cut me deeper than anything else could’ve. “I would’ve been shitty,” he whispered against my ear, sending chills down my spine. “I would’ve been a shitty father. But you?” He swallowed hard. “You would’ve been the best mother. Our child would’ve been honored to be loved by you.”
And he was gone.
With those simple words, and his fading footsteps, I found out what it meant for a heart to truly break.
Part Two
From the ashes, they rose,
And burned once again.
He never forgot her glow,
And she never forgot him.
Message #1
Hey, Logan, it’s Alyssa. I’m just calling to see how you’re doing. I just… I hate how we left things. I hate how the last times we were near each other weren’t the best. I hate how I miss you. I hate how much this hurts.
I’m going to call you though, every day, even if you don’t answer. I want you to know that you’re not in this alone. No matter how bad it gets. I want you to know you’re not alone.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #5
Hey, it’s me.
You’ve been at the clinic for five days now, and I wish I could hear your voice. Kellan said he spoke with you, and that you’re doing okay. Are you doing okay? I really hope so. I miss you, Logan. So, so much.
I’m glad you’re working on yourself.
You deserve it.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #14
Two weeks. You’ve been there two weeks, and Kellan said you’re doing okay. He said you’re struggling a bit with withdrawal, but I know you’re stronger than your biggest demons.
I lay in bed last night, listening to the record on the vinyl player skip every few seconds, and it reminded me of you. Remember the first time we…
Never mind.
I just miss you, that’s all. Some days are harder than others.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #45
You’re halfway through the program. How are you? Are you eating enough? Is your mind staying clear? I hope they have documentary DVDs there for you to watch. If you want, maybe I can come out there and bring you some DVDs. I saw a new documentary on the Beatles that I thought you might like.
Do you want me to bring it?
Because I will.
Just say the word.
I’ve been leaving you voicemails every day for the past forty-five days, and I’ll keep leaving the messages. I just wish I could hear your voice. I wish you’d answer the phone.
Lo…
Please.
Gosh. I miss you.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #93
Hey, it’s Alyssa.
You finished the program, and I can’t help but want to cry. I’m so, so proud of you. This is good. This is the best…
Kellan said you’re doing okay. That you’re healthy and in good spirits.
He also said he took you some DVDs. Why didn’t you ask me? Why will you answer his calls but not mine? What did I do wrong?
I would’ve brought them to you, Logan—the DVDs. I would’ve brought them to you.
That doesn’t matter though.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #112
He said you’re not coming back to True Falls. He said you’re staying in Iowa. I didn’t believe you when you told me. I didn’t want to believe you.
He said you found a small studio apartment and a job…
This is good. If you need anything, furniture, food…company.
I just miss you, that’s all.
I can’t believe you’re not coming back.
This is good, though. This is good for you.
I love you.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #270
Do you know this month the baby would’ve been born? I’d be in the hospital, and you would’ve held my hand. I know it probably sounds like I’m crying, but I’m not.
I’m just a little drunk tonight.
I don’t drink, so it doesn’t take much. A friend took me out to help me clear my mind.
Hearing your voice would help even more.
But you haven’t called me.
Maybe this isn’t your number anymore.
Maybe you’ve moved on.
Maybe you don’t fucking care anymore. I don’t even care that you don’t fucking care!
It doesn’t matter.
Fuck you for not calling me, Logan. Not once. You haven’t called me.
Sorry.
I’m a little drunk tonight.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #435
What do you do during the night when it rains?
I lie in bed and think of your voice.
I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #756
I decided that I hate you. I hate everything about you.
But still, I hope I’ll see you soon, Lo.
Message #1090
I’m waving the white flag, Logan. I’m tired, and I give up. I’ll stop now.
Five years.
I’ll stop with the messages.
I love you.
I miss you.
I wish you the best.
Message #1123
Logan, it’s Kellan. Listen, I know you’ve made your life out in Iowa, and things are going well for you. And I wouldn’t ask you to ever come back to this crappy town unless I really needed you and…
Erika and I are getting married. But I can’t get married without my brother. I can’t stand at the altar, without the only family I have beside me.
I know this is asking a lot.
But I promise to never ask for anything else.
Plus, I bought you the documentary on NASA that we spoke about a few weeks ago.
You only get it if you’re my best-fucking-man.
Yes. I am trying to buy your love and I don’t feel guilty at all.
Chat soon.
Chapter Fourteen
Logan
Five years later
Each night I lit a cigarette and sat it on my windowsill. As it burned, I allowed myself to remember my past. I allowed myself to hurt and to mourn up until the moment the flames hit the filter. Then I shut my brain off, and allowed myself to forget, because the pain was too much to swallow. When my brain was shut down, I kept busy, making sure memories wouldn’t sli
p in. I watched documentaries, I worked dead-end jobs, I worked out—I did everything possible to keep from remembering.
But now, my brother had called me back to the one place that I’d spent the past five years running from. The moment I made it back to True Falls, I sat in the train station, debating if I should’ve found a way to collect money to get a one-way ticket straight back to Iowa.
“Coming or going?” a woman asked, sitting two seats away from me. I turned to her, somewhat taken back by her intense green eyes. She gave me a small smile, and chewed on her thumb nail.
“Not sure yet,” I replied. “What about you?”
“Coming. Staying, I think.” She kept smiling, but the more she did it, the sadder she appeared. I didn’t know smiling could look so heartbreakingly sad. “I’m just trying to waste some time before I head back to my life.”
I could understand that.
I sat back in my chair, trying to keep from remembering the life I’d left behind all those years ago.
“I even booked a hotel for tonight,” she said, biting her bottom lip. “Just so I could have a few more hours to forget, you know? Before I returned to the real world.” I nodded once. She slid two chairs closer to me, her leg brushing against mine. “You don’t remember me, do you?”
Tilting my head her way, she gave me that sad grin again, and combed her fingers through her long hair. “Am I supposed to?”
Her head shook back and forth. “Probably not. My name’s Sadie.” She blinked once, almost as if knowing her name was supposed to mean something to me. Her lips curved down. “Anyway. You seem like a guy who’d like to forget for a while, too. If you want, you’re welcome to come to the motel with me.”
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