by Ryan Michele
“Breathe, baby.” It still takes her a few moments before she sucks in breaths, coming back to me slowly. Fucking hell.
Sitting on the floor, I pull Leah into my body and sit her in my lap and wrap her arms around me. I knew this would be hard.
“Want you to come with me.”
She gives a slight hiccup and moves back to look at me. “I can’t. My parents are here. My therapist. And I’ll have to start school up sometime. My life is here.”
“You could make a life up in Sumner. Bristyl’s there so it’s not that far of a reach.”
Tears well in her eyes. “I can’t. Sorry.”
Part of me is proud that she feels like she can stay here without me, while the other wants her to come with me.
“Just think about it.”
“When do you have to go?” She shifts on my lap, but I can feel her pulling away from me, not physically, but emotionally and that fucking kills.
“A week or two, but I want ya to think about comin’ with me.”
She makes a move to get up and when I clutch her closer to me she fights to get out of my arms. She rises, putting distance between us. Fuck.
Wrapping her arms around her body, she walks through the apartment deep in thought.
Standing up I make my way to her, stop her, and lift her chin with my finger. “Baby, I want you to come with me.”
“Don’t you get it? I can’t. No matter if I want to or not. I have to stay here. I trust Anne. I need to stay with Anne.”
Fuck. Taking her away from the one person she trusts outside of me to talk about what’s going on in her head isn’t a good idea. My heart clenches while my gut twists. She tears her head out of my grasp and moves to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
I can already feel the miles she’s putting between us, and it fucking pisses me off.
To say she’s distanced herself from me is an understatement. For the past four days, that’s all she’s done. No smiles. No laughter. No quick comebacks that she was giving before, and I fear she’s taken huge steps back and it’s all my fault.
Maybe I should have done this differently or fuck if I know. Christ, why does this have to be so difficult?
“Wanna go for a ride?”
“Not right now.” Her monotone voice comes at me. Fuck, I hate that voice.
“Leah, I said I wanted you to come with me. I don’t want to leave you here.”
“But you’re going to,” she snaps back with venom so different than before. “May as well go now. I wanted you to leave sooner, but you wouldn’t so you’re doing me a favor.” Her eyes are cold as stone, but I don’t buy it. “That way I can get on with my life and not have you babysitting me every moment of the day.”
“Baby, I know you’re angry…”
She cuts me off, “What’s there to be angry about? You have a life in Sumner. I have one here. I knew you were leaving, just not when. It’s almost been a week since you told me, so you’d better get goin’.”
“I’m not leaving you like this.”
She stands, fire burning through her. “Yeah, you are and that’s fine. I’m a big girl, and it’s time that I get my life together. On. My. Own.”
Moving over to her, she darts away to the other side of the room. “Baby, come with me.”
She throws her arms out. “Don’t you get it? I can’t!”
“Why? Why can’t you?”
She gets close to my face. “Because I lost myself here and I’m not leaving until I find it again!”
The world falls at my feet. Of all the scenarios, I don’t have a fucking clue why I didn’t see this one. I take that back, with the way she’s been acting—so unsure of everything, I hadn’t seen her pick part of herself up. The part that fights, and I kick myself not catching it.
While I thought she was on the road back, maybe she’s further down than I thought she was in the first place. Fuck, why does this shit have to be so hard?
Calming my voice, “That’s good, baby. I want you to find yourself. I just fuckin’ hate that I’m going to have to leave you here to do it. I’ll talk to Cruz, but I’ve been here a long ass time, and the club needs me.”
She huffs out a breath, her demeanor growing calmer. “I know, Green. And I thank you for helping me, but your job is done. I’ll make it.”
It’s my turn to get angry. “My job? You think I’m fuckin’ here because you’re a damn job? You think that I spent all those fuckin’ nights in the hospital with you, makin’ sure you were breathin’ because you’re a fuckin’ job? You know you’re not a fuckin’ job to me!”
Leah flinches and I immediately feel bad for yelling, but fuck—that pissed me off. Gaining my composure, I apologize, “Sorry, baby. I’m here because I want to be. I’m here because I care for you.” I grasp her arms and look deep into her eyes. “I’m here because your words wrapped around my soul, and I refuse to look away. Each word you have written me, spoken to me, has made me want to be right here where I am. It’s the fact that my family needs me, and I’ve been away from them for a long time. I don’t want to leave, but dammit, I have an obligation there.”
Tears slip from her eyes and I pull her to me, kissing her soft and slow. Without words, we make it to the bed, her silent tears and our kisses the only thing in the room. Except for my heart falling to pieces around me.
16
Leah
“Can you please explain to me why you feel you can’t go with him?” Anne asks me, sitting across the small space of the room. She’s in her upper forties, I would guess. Her skin is beautiful, like she’s worked really hard over the years trying to maintain it. Her makeup is as natural as it comes, but with great skin who needs it.
Unfortunately, it only reminds me of my skin and all of the imperfections I have now. Some scars are gone, while others have keloids over them and will never go away. My body isn’t the same as before, and the only time I feel partially beautiful is in Green’s arms.
There was a time that I wanted him to leave. That I wanted him to just get on his bike and ride away from me. But no, he had to stay. He had to stay and show me day in and day out the kind of man he is. How he takes care of me and listens to me. He is so damn patient I’m pretty sure he needs an award from the Vatican. He’s slept beside me every night, never taking it farther than kissing and a little touching.
He wants more, and there are times when I do too. But those damn thoughts won’t go away. It shouldn’t bother me because they never raped me, but it’s the fear that holds me back. And I know he’s leaving. It’s been a week and two days since he told me he was leaving. Nine days where I’ve tried to prepare myself for his loss after having him twenty-four hours a day.
It’s selfish, I know it. But how does one lose something so close to them? If he would have left in the beginning before all this time together, it would be easier. We only had letters, a few meetings, a kiss, phone calls and texts. It wouldn’t have hurt that bad, right?
Hell, even I can’t fool my damn self anymore. It would have hurt before too. But maybe not this much. Maybe not slicing through me, just waiting for the ball to drop.
I overheard a conversation he was having with one of his brothers the other day. Only hearing one side, words like ‘soon’ and ‘couple of days’ stood out to me. So I know it’s coming, and I don’t know if I’d rather him tell me or just go. I’m not sure at this point which one will hurt worse.
Probably every scenario.
“Leah?” Anne says, grabbing my attention.
“Sorry, I was thinking.”
Her soft smile is reassuring. I’ve felt comfortable with Anne since the beginning. I didn’t think I would because who wants to tell a stranger all the shit they have going on up in their head. Then to have them judge you for what you say. I don’t think Anne judges me, but she does listen and give advice. Even if it’s not what I want to hear, she still lays it on me and I think that’s what I need.
“I can tell. Care to share?”
I wring my hands in front of me. Yes, I feel comfortable talking to her, but it’s not easy. Nothing has been easy except Green.
“Because I’m not whole. I’m not the me I was when he wanted me. I’m not the person he needs me to be.”
“Has he given you any indication that you aren’t?” she fires back.
My silence is the answer.
“Right. I’m not telling you to pack up your life and move with him. I just want you to talk it out and decide for yourself what you want to do. This is a no-judgement zone. I only want what’s best for you, and I want you to feel safe to get everything out.”
Blowing out a deep breath, I cross my legs then pull at a small string in my jeans. “He’s great, has been from the start. He has this look to him, well you’ve seen him. It’s his don’t mess with me, I’ll kick your ass look. And he’s that way to everyone but me. He’s gotten mad before, but never to me like that. Like he’d crush me into a pile.”
She says nothing, and I continue.
“He has this whole other side to him that I first learned from our letters. At first, he didn’t write but a sentence or two, but as time went on, he wrote more and I did too. It was like we were pen pals in some ways. Then it moved on to the phone, first texts then calls. Then meeting up. It’s been this progression from the beginning. Everything going slow and building.”
A bird lands by the window, its wings flapping in the wind. “I really thought we had something great. Something I hadn’t found in anyone.” My words falter while the bird turns to stare at me like, ‘say it would ya.’
“But I’m not that same person anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m better than when I first came home, but not back to me. I still jump when there are loud noises. I fear anyone seeing me without any clothes on. I watch everyone around me, coming into this place, and want to make sure no one is going to jump out and grab me. Even on the back of Green’s bike, it takes me a while to relax and know that no one is there to hurt me.”
“And Green’s been there every step of the way.”
The bird flies off, my focus going back to Anne. “Yeah.”
“Remember I asked you before if you thought Green was a crutch? You didn’t answer last time.” she asks me, as I search my memory. “A crutch. Like when you break your leg you need something to hold you up. In your case, someone to hold you up.”
“Yeah, I remember that.” When she asked me the first time, I didn’t have an answer so I remained quiet. Unfortunately, Anne’s not letting this go.
My brain ticks back through everything that has happened over the last couple of months. How Green would wait for me to make decisions, giving me my power back. How he listened and never condescended, but also didn’t let me get away with putting myself down either. How he was always there, but knew the times when I really needed some space from him and would give it.
“No. I don’t feel that he’s a crutch. Yes, if he leaves tomorrow, I’ll be upset and scared, but I’d still be able to stand on my own two feet.”
Anne smiles. “What part of it would you be upset about?”
“Him leaving?”
“Yes.”
I shuffle myself in the chair, my nerves kicking up a notch. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Her face changes. “Remember what we talked about the first day you were here. You do not lie to me, Leah. If we want this work there are no lies.”
Guilt washes over me. “Right. I’ll be upset because I’ll miss him. I’ll be cold at night without him, and when I wake up alone I know I’ll search my apartment for him only to be let down. Does this mean I won’t survive, no. But I’ll miss him like crazy.”
“What does that say about your feelings for him?”
I lift my hand to my hair about ready to twirl it, when I realize it’s pulled back in a low ponytail. It’s the only way that I can hide the bald patches and look a little normal.
“I like him a lot.”
She says nothing, and the air starts to chill.
“I do. I care about him, and I don’t want to see him leave. I want him to stay with me.”
“But it’s not okay for you to go with him.”
I shake my head. “He has a life there. A job. Family.” I toss my arms out to my sides. “I’m a mess and have no idea where I’d fit into that.”
“Have you asked him?”
“No.”
“How do you know if you don’t ask?”
I get up from the chair and move to the window. The sunlight does nothing to brighten my mood. “Because I love him. And I’m afraid that he doesn’t feel the same, and he’ll take me there and I won’t have a place. I’ll be left to figure my life out in a strange place I don’t know.”
“This is your fear talking, Leah. The only way to know is to talk to him. Find out his intentions. Know where he’s coming from.”
“What if you’re right and he is a crutch? What if I’m wrong about that, and I fall on my face in his absence? What then? What does that say about me?” The world below me moves with people and cars going this way and that. None of them knowing the inner war my brain is fighting, trying to get some semblance of normal.
“Now you’re backtracking, Leah.”
I turn, “You don’t think I know that!” I snap at her and instantly feel bad for it. She’s done nothing to warrant that. “Sorry,” I mumble, turning my attention back out to the city.
“No need to apologize, Leah. Let’s break this down. You love Green.”
She pauses, waiting for me. “Yes,” comes out in a whisper.
“And you’re afraid he doesn’t feel the same,” she coaxes.
Moving away from the window, I take my seat again. “Of course.”
Green hasn’t left me for a moment except when my parents come over, and it’s a very short time that he’s gone. It’s normally to get things at the store. He’s been there every step of the way. Maybe I just need some space away from him and away from Anne to really think about what I want. To come to terms with the fact that I’m no longer the woman I was before the incident. The fact that my body is changed and there is no going back from that. I’m sure there’s some fancy doctor somewhere who could help with that, but no way am I going into surgery unless it’s absolutely necessary. I know what that shit feels like, the blade going in…
“What did you want out of life before the incident?” she asks as I think back to what I really did want at the time. Love. Companionship. It’s why I joined that stupid dating website and brought those assholes into our lives. Even if Bristyl says it’s not my fault—it is. I’ll live with that forever.
“Then I thought love was a fairy tale. There would be the one, and he’d be everything I ever wanted. We’d get married, have children and a dog. We’d live a simple life.”
“And when you look at your life now, what do you see?”
Tears threaten to fall, but I push them back. I’ve been learning how to control my emotions more lately, and I like it. I like the control since it was taken away from me.
“Nothing.” It’s as real as I can get with her.
She nods like she understands what I’m saying, and I’m glad she does because I have no fucking clue.
“You don’t see yourself anywhere?”
“I guess alive. I don’t know,” I say on a shrug.
“That’s a step.”
Thoughts run rampant. “I’m not going to kill myself.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“But you implied it.” The air in the room gets a chill that crawls down my spine, and I don’t like it one bit.
She shifts in her seat and rests her elbow on her knees, full attention on me. “I may have said that to see what you would say. Now that I know, I feel better about that. But since you know you will have a future, where do you want to go? What do you want to accomplish? Do you want to go back to school? Do you want to get a job? What are you going to do to be a productive member of society?”
A productive m
ember of society? Hell, all I’ve done since I got out of the hospital is… well, nothing. I cooked a couple of times for Green, but he mostly cooked for me. I haven’t cleaned the apartment, but Green has. I haven’t done anything. At all, but sit and think about what those men did to me.
It brings to mind a girl from high school who had a ‘woe is me’ mentality. Everything she did, she turned it around so everyone felt sorry for her. She turned into this person who no one liked to be around because everything was always about her.
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. It happened. I was brutally attacked and came close to dying. But I lived. I lived to see many days with Green at my side. I’ve been able to watch the sun go up and then go down. I’ve been able to feel the sun on my skin and eat. I’ve talked on the phone and enjoyed it, just like old times.
My grandmother, Mom’s mom who passed away six years ago, always said Happiness is what you make of it. Bad things happen to good people sometimes. It’s a true sign of their character—how they handle it and overcome it. The key here is ‘you must overcome.’
A twinge hits my heart thinking about my grandma. It’s been a long time since we lost her, but she was a damn smart woman and I’m lucky to remember this. Because I need it now more than ever.
She’s right and it won’t be easy, but I’ve never been one to shy away from work. That is still me. A lot of the old me is still me, I just haven’t seen it in a while. And I miss it. Miss the me I was and dammit, I’m finding her again.
“I don’t know, but I’m going to figure it out.”
She eyes me cautiously but says nothing.
Standing again, I take a stroll around the room. “Where does this door go to?”
“My office where I do paperwork.”
An idea springs to mind.
“Is there another door that leads out past the waiting room and into the hallway?”
An alarmed look crosses her face as she answers cautiously, “Yes.”
