by Jake Bible
“Until you need to retrieve the box,” I said, ignoring how he boiled my abilities down to two oversimplified tasks. “You forgot that part.”
“No, I didn’t,” Aspen said. “Because when it comes time to retrieve the box, you will do so. No questions asked. No trying to bargain for a better deal. You’ll retrieve the box. End of story.”
“I wouldn’t call it the end of the story,” I said. “It’s not like we fade out or anything.”
“No, your end won’t be like that at all,” Aspen said.
“And what exactly does that mean?” Teresa asked, finally getting involved in the rather humiliating conversation. “Your employer has guaranteed Mr. Lawter’s safety when the job is completed.”
“Then Mr. Lawter better hope I listen to my employer,” Aspen said.
“All right, now it’s my turn to explain your role in this plan,” Teresa said. She leaned forward and mimicked Aspen’s position. “I will admit that it was an oversight on my part not to include a clause in the contract that took temporal fluidity loopholes into consideration.”
“Big oversight,” Aspen said.
“Which is why I will not be billing Black Box Inc. for that bit of work,” Teresa continued. I could see on her face the pain that statement caused. “However, if anything happens to Mr. Lawter, or to any of his associates, which cannot be remedied and/or reversed by hexes, other magics, or by medical means, then I will personally rain down the full power of my people on your little cesspool of a dimension. Do not forget your place in the extradimensional scheme of things, Mr. Littlestick. You faeries are great at the grift, but we banshees perfected revenge.”
Aspen’s unfriendly smile widened, and he leaned back in his seat.
“Then we understand each other,” he said.
Teresa again mimicked his movements and leaned back as well.
“I hope for your sake that we do,” she replied.
I cocked my head.
“Can I ask something?” I said. “That last part, the one about medical means? That sounds like you’re okay with me getting hurt as long as I can be medically healed. Is that right? Because, and I think I speak for my associates as well as myself, I would prefer there be no harm requiring medical attention. Is it possible we can understand each other on that?”
Neither of the extradimensional entities that sat with me in the back of that limo responded. I did not take that as a good sign.
Before I could press the issue, and I really wanted to press the issue, the divider rolled down and Harper looked back at us.
“Here is how this journey is going to work,” she said, then saw the look on my face and frowned. “What? What did I miss?”
“Like you care,” I said.
“Screw you, Chase.”
“Excuse me?” I snapped, not bothering to hide my anger. The whole back-and-forth with Aspen and Teresa had ticked me off. That and no goddamn coffee. “Go on, Harp? What was that?”
“Anyway. Moving on,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Lassa is driving.”
“Hello,” Lassa said and waved from the driver’s seat. He held up a hand at Harper without looking at her. His middle finger extended, and he shoved the digit in her face. “And fuck you.”
“Cute,” Harper said, shoving his hand away.
He did a half chuckle, half growl. “I’m not sure if it’s the armor plating or what, but the limo is pulling slightly to the left. You’ll want your ghouls to have a look at the alignment when we get back.”
“Noted,” Teresa said.
“Anyway,” Harper said again. “While Lassa drives, I navigate. I will also be on the lookout for the inevitable ambushes. The road we are taking is notorious for its marauder clans and highway-folk, hence the extra protection Daphne provided.”
“We’ll bill you for that,” Aspen said.
“I do not believe you will,” Teresa said.
“We’ll see,” Aspen countered.
“Oh, yes, we will,” Teresa replied.
“I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight,” I grumbled. “Makes me feel all icky in my tummy.”
Lassa laughed. Good for him. But he probably would have laughed at anything, he was so damn happy about driving the souped-up Mad Max limo.
“When we are attacked.” Harper pressed on. “I will handle the weapons systems while Lassa drives us out of the mess. I have confidence he can do that, but it will be dicey for a bit depending on what the obstacles are. All I need you three to do is stay put and do not distract either of us up here. Are we clear?”
“Despite others’ opinions, I can help,” I said, giving a pointed look at Aspen. “I could create Dim boxes and trap the marauders in them.”
“And how would you do that?” Harper asked.
“I stand up out of the sunroof and throw the boxes at the marauders,” I said. “I’ve been working on hinged tops. This would be a perfect time to test out my design. If I time it right, then the boxes will snap shut on the bastards. Since I won’t have time to make a key, they’ll be trapped in there forever. Serves them right, yeah?”
“You’ll be exposing yourself to battle hexes and war spells. Not to mention rocks, bullets, arrows, and whatever else can be thrown at you,” Harper said.
“Life’s dangerous, Harper. Hey, I have an idea, you can do your job and protect me from all that shit. What an amazing idea for the security expert.”
“Or you could listen to the security expert.”
“You think I can’t handle myself?”
“I know you can. But this is far from the perfect time to test your new Dim toy. Prove yourself some other time. Right now, we have to make sure you get to Ekron in one piece or none of this matters.”
“Strange,” Aspen said. “Is there an echo in here? I distinctly remember someone else saying almost the exact same thing.”
“Shut up,” Harper snapped and took a breath. She tried to smile at me, but it faltered and failed. “My professional opinion is you three sit tight and let us do the driving and fighting. Are we clear?”
“Yes,” Teresa said.
“Very,” Aspen said. “No need to risk my neck if I don’t have to.”
“Chase?” Harper asked.
I took a cue from Lassa and flipped her off.
“Good,” she said and turned to face the road ahead.
“All right, now that we have that over with, I can fill you in on what our journey will be like,” Lassa said. “While this is my first time driving this route, I have received some great advice from a few of my contacts in the area. One of them even provided a nice little presentation that the local tourism board put together. Chase? You’re gonna hate the name. Trust me. I do.”
“Everyone hates the name,” Aspen said. “But it is the only name that translates in every language.”
“Exactly,” Lassa continued and cleared his throat. “Um . . . enjoy?”
A small screen began to lower where the partition divider usually went. Aspen made a move-over gesture and changed seats, jamming himself between me and Teresa on the back bench. The limo windows turned completely tinted, and the interior was plunged into darkness.
“Hello there!” A woman appeared on the screen, greeting us with a huge smile and a happy little wiggle. “I’m Rebecca and I’ll be your guide today as you traverse the exciting adventure known as—”
The woman performed some serious jazz hands. Those hands had very sharp talons on the tips.
“—The Gory Gauntlet!”
Goddammit.
15
THE SCREEN SLID back into its recessed position.
I sat there with my eyes wide and armpits damp with sweat. Teresa appeared to be highly irritated. Aspen looked bored.
Despite the goofball name, the Gory Gaunt
let was no fucking joke. Shit . . .
“She didn’t mention the cannibalism,” he said, sounding disappointed. “I was looking forward to seeing some grease-streaked faces chomping down on tasty-looking thigh shanks.”
“Stop trying to freak everyone out,” Harper said, looking back at us again. “We need to be alert and ready to get to work, not terrified and catatonic.”
“No, I’m good,” I said shaking off some of the ick of what I saw in that, uh, tourism presentation. “That was a bit . . . much, but I’ve got this. No problem.”
“Good,” Harper said.
“I do have one question, though,” I said.
“Of course you do,” Harper said. “What?”
“Only the one?” Aspen snickered.
“Shut it, Littlestick,” Harper growled.
“It is shut,” he replied.
“What’s the question?” Harper asked me.
“Who the hell would see this road as a tourist destination?” I asked.
“Don’t be glib,” Teresa said. “There are many races that enjoy that kind of brutal violence. No need to be racist.”
“Yeah, I’m not being glib or racist,” I said. “If there are races from different dimensions that actually want to run this Gory Gauntlet thing, then why didn’t the Fae employ them?” I stared at Harper. “I’m serious. You could have only brought me here, not Lassa or Teresa. For some reason you wanted them here too or you would have made up some excuse for them to stay behind with Sharon and what’s his name.”
“Flip,” Lassa said.
“Yeah, that guy,” I said. “You’re doing this the hard way, which isn’t like you at all.”
While she didn’t exactly look at him, I caught a twitch of her eyes toward Aspen. I swiveled in my seat to face the faerie.
“Littlestick?” I said. “Maybe you have some insight into all of this?”
“Of course I have insight into all of this,” Aspen said. “The whole plan was my idea. Who do you think proposed it to Daphne?”
“Really? Because you have been pretty reluctant to be part of any of this,” I said. “You proposed the plan?”
“Listen, tiny brain, the Whys and Hows and the Whats aren’t for you to comprehend,” Aspen said. “All you have to do is make your pretty smoke boxes and give me the key to Lord Beelzebub’s soul when you’re done.”
“Not arguing that,” I said. “I get the mechanics of the plan. I’m just not buying it. Something’s up here.”
“We are being forced to work for Daphne,” Teresa said, her irritation going up a notch. “It stands to reason there is a good deal of something being up, as you say. The reality, Mr. Lawter, is that we may never know any of that something. That is not our role in this. Our role is to get to Ekron and steal Lord Beelzebub’s soul. I would advise, not only as your lawyer, but as a being who wishes to survive this ordeal, that you focus on your part and only on your part. Let the rest of us handle our parts and then we may stand a chance of surviving to return to our homes and loved ones.”
“You have loved ones?” Lassa asked, glancing in the rearview mirror.
“If you weren’t such well-paying clients, I would drop you right this second,” Teresa grumbled.
“That and I’m driving,” Lassa said. “Driving right into the Gory Gauntlet. Have a look out your windows, folks, because we are here. I don’t think you want to get dropped off now, Ms. Sullivan.”
She didn’t respond. None of us did. We were too busy looking out at the landscape that was flying by.
Scorched plains stretched all the way to the horizon on both sides of the road. They were literally scorched. The landscape was different in many ways from what the lady presenter had promised, but no less messed up.
The blackened, still-smoking ruins of what may have been a city were far off in the distance on the passenger’s side. If I squinted hard enough, I thought I could see movement in the ruins, but that could have been ash being kicked up by the wind, more smoke, or I needed glasses.
On the driver’s side, there were the remains of a vast forest. Huge, jagged, burned-to-a-crisp tree trunks dotted the landscape. A foul-looking creek wound its way through the demolished woods, moving at a sludge-like pace. Possibly because it appeared to be full of sludge.
I hadn’t even noticed when we’d left the faerie dimension. Must have been when that presentation was playing. Nice bit of misdirection there. Warped and sick misdirection, so not sure I’d give it more than three stars on TripAdvisor. But it did kill the time until we got to the part of the road trip where we might get killed.
I faced forward and stared out the windshield. Unlike the views on either side of the limo, the road was exactly like what the video presentation had shown it to be. Pitch-black pavement, almost as black as the Dim, stretched out as far as I could see. A straight ebony line that led to Hell.
Ekron. Considering the way the horizon ahead shimmered with heat waves, I still wasn’t convinced they weren’t the same thing. Especially with the occasional geyser of flame shooting a hundred feet up into the air now and again.
“Plains,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Very good, Chase,” Aspen responded, his words slow and condescending. “Those are plains.”
“Ha ha, asshead,” I replied. “What I mean by that is it’s hard to hide when there’re nothing but plains for as far as the eye can see. Where are the marauders going to hide for an ambush? Those very small rocks up ahead there?”
“Those aren’t small rocks,” Harper said.
I squinted. “They look like rocks.”
“They aren’t,” Harper insisted, and I distinctly heard the hum of something powering up. “Those are the marauders, dumb ass.”
“Oh,” I said as we got closer and I could see she was right.
They weren’t rocks at all, but hunched figures with very sharp-looking weapons gripped in scarred and gnarled fists. I counted at least two dozen per side of the road. They stayed in place, still as, well, rocks, and waited for us to get closer.
The hum rose in pitch, and I saw the belt guns on the front fenders begin to spin so fast that they looked like they’d stopped moving. The one on the passenger’s side turned right, the one on the driver’s side turned left.
“How are you going to aim in two different directions at the same time?” I asked.
“Hey, Chase?” Lassa asked.
“Yeah?”
“Be quiet, okay? We’re angry at Harper, very angry at Harper, but we need her to do what she does best right now,” he said.
“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “You’re right.”
I slipped my seat belt on and made sure the clasp was locked tight as we got closer and closer to the waiting marauders.
“You should buckle up,” I said to Teresa.
“I’m fine, Chase,” Teresa said. “If we crash, I would prefer not to be restrained.”
“Oh,” I said and moved to unbuckle, but Teresa reached across a relaxed Aspen and stopped my hand.
“No, keep it on,” she said. “You’re human. Seat belts are meant for your kind.”
I left the seat belt on. Seemed like a good idea as soon as half the marauders from each side of the road decided to step out into said road and block our path.
“Don’t slow down,” Harper said to Lassa.
“Wasn’t planning to,” Lassa replied.
“You may want to speed up,” she said.
“Already am,” he said.
“Aim for the third one from the left,” she said.
“Shut up and let me drive,” he said. “You shoot, me drive.”
Their normal banter was back, and I was suddenly filled with conflicted emotions again.
Seeing Lassa and Harper back in their usual pattern was
great, yes. But I still had that memory of everything going to shit when Harper had pulled that pistol yesterday. I couldn’t see how it could ever go back to the way it had been even if Lassa and Harper were in sync at the moment. No, this moment was all about the danger, the adrenaline. Once that was gone, we’d still be stuck in the shit of what Harper had done.
