“I’ll try.”
Slowly, he released her. “Just in case, I’ll be around to remind you,” he promised.
Tears welled up in her eyes and she reached for his hand, clinging to it for one last reassuring second before she went inside to face the reality of her family’s unthinkable tragedy.
Rosa refused to get out of bed, refused to eat. She feigned sleep every time anyone came into her bedroom. If she was asleep, no one could say anything about Don. No one could tell her he was dead. She could pretend that it was all a terrible nightmare and that when she woke up, he would be right there beside her. He would hold her, maybe make love to her, and their day would begin as every other day had begun, with a mad rush to get to Flamingo Diner before the first customers began arriving at 6:00 a.m.
But as the sun began to set and shadows filled the room, she could no longer deny the harsh reality that she’d awakened to just after one in the morning when Matt had come knocking on their door. She’d shouted at him to stop his lies, that Don was not dead, that he knew that curve in the road, that he would never drive so recklessly that he’d wind up in the lake, but Matt hadn’t changed expressions even once. He’d just led her to a chair, then hunkered down beside her and held her hand, pleading with her to tell him who he could call, what he could do.
Rosa hadn’t known how to answer. For nearly thirty years, whenever there had been any kind of trouble in her life, she had turned to her husband. Who else could she possibly call? Who else could offer consolation and support and love? She had the children, of course, but they were young. They would need her support, even Emma, who would be devastated that her beloved father was gone. She needed to be strong for all of them, but she wasn’t strong, not without Don beside her.
Finally Matt had awakened the boys and told them the same awful lies about Don. He’d called Helen and asked her to come over. He’d made sure Emma was notified. He’d done all the things Rosa should have been doing, but had been too paralyzed to do. And she’d hated him, because he’d made it real.
That’s why she’d retreated to her room, so she could pretend that it had been nothing more than an awful nightmare.
A light tap on the door startled her. She thought everyone had given up, had decided to let her grieve in private.
“Mama?”
It was Emma. Rosa sat up in bed, flipped on the light, drew in a deep breath, then called out for her daughter to come in.
As the doorknob turned, Rosa realized she wasn’t ready for this, would probably never be ready for this. From the moment her children had been born, they had looked to her and to their father for answers. Now there were no answers, at least none that made any sense. She doubted there ever would be again.
While Emma was in with her mother, Matt watched Jeff warily. The kid was on edge. He hadn’t said a word, but Matt knew Jeff was craving something that would take away his pain. Maybe he’d turn to alcohol, maybe drugs. Either way, Matt could have told him that the pain would still be there. He’d made his own share of mistakes along those lines. He knew the signs and he knew there were no easy answers.
“I’m going out,” Jeff announced to no one in particular.
“Where?” Matt asked.
“None of your business.”
“Your brother needs you.”
“Andy’s fine.”
“Oh, really? He didn’t seem that fine to me when he left the house.”
Jeff’s belligerent expression faltered. “He’s not here?”
“No.”
“He was right here. Why’d you let him leave?”
“Frankly, I thought you’d go after him. I thought maybe you’d see that he was hurting. We’re talking about your kid brother, Jeff. He needs you.”
“He’s probably outside,” Jeff said, half to himself, as he headed for the back door.
Matt considered leaving it to Jeff to look out for his brother, but he didn’t entirely trust him not to run off. He followed Jeff outside. He had a pretty good idea where Andy had gone. Years ago Don had built his sons a tree house in a sprawling banyan tree in the backyard. Matt had spent many an hour up in the hideaway with the younger boys.
With its twisted trunk and gnarled branches, the tree had inspired Jeff and Andy to claim that the tree house was haunted. At night, the fantasy had been especially easy to believe. It had been years since Matt had climbed up into that old tree, but that was the first place a distraught Andy would think to go.
Sure enough, even from the ground, Matt could hear Andy’s choking sobs. Jeff deliberately made as much noise as he could crashing through the higher branches until he emerged on the rotting platform that had once been the scene of their greatest childhood adventures.
From below, Matt could see that Andy deliberately looked away, as Jeff carefully picked his way over to sit beside him, legs dangling over the edge. Matt moved to a spot just out of sight, there if they needed him, but willing to let the brothers work through this painful time on their own.
Sitting on the back step, Matt barely resisted the urge to light up a cigarette as memories flooded through him. As kids, they’d thought they could see the world from up in that tree, but it had turned out that the world was a much bigger place than they’d ever imagined. It wasn’t half as idyllic, either. The past twenty-four hours had proved that.
He listened for the sound of voices and was relieved when Jeff finally spoke.
“It sucks, doesn’t it?” Jeff said.
“I don’t get it,” Andy said, his voice choked. “Dad never drove fast. He couldn’t have missed that curve.”
“Well, he did,” Jeff said angrily.
“Do you think…? Was it because I messed up yesterday morning? I was trying to get up the nerve to ask Lauren Patterson on a date, and I wasn’t paying attention to the customers the way I should have been. He got really mad at me. Maybe he was still mad. Maybe he shouldn’t have been driving.”
“People don’t have accidents because their kid messed up,” Jeff said, poking his brother lightly in the ribs with his elbow. “Otherwise, every mom and dad in the world would be dead before their kids get out of their teens.”
Below, Matt bit back a grin. There was a world of wisdom in Jeff’s words and more than a hint of cynicism.
“Then why did it happen?” Andy asked again. “I don’t get it.”
“Dammit, Andy, give it a rest. Dad’s dead. That’s all that matters,” Jeff said bitterly.
Silence fell then and once again Matt felt an urge to light up the one cigarette he kept in his pocket as a safety net.
“Jeff?”
Andy’s voice was soft and scared, the way he used to sound in the dark of night when he thought there were monsters hiding under the bed. Matt had spent enough nights at the house to recognize it.
“Yeah, kid?”
“What’s going to happen to us?”
“We’ll stick together,” Jeff said finally. “You, me, Emma and Mom. We’ll figure things out.”
“Do you think Emma will stay?”
“Sure,” Jeff said.
“I called her and told her things were all messed up around here and she wouldn’t come home,” Andy said. “What makes you think she’ll stay now?”
“She will, that’s all. She’ll have to.”
Matt wondered if Jeff was right. Would Emma stay? He’d heard the guilt and self-recrimination in her voice earlier and guessed that she would hang around, if only because of that. But he hated that it had taken something like this to get her home.
“Well, I don’t want her to,” Andy said heatedly. “I don’t want her here. She wouldn’t come when I asked her to and it’s too late now.”
He scrambled down from the tree house and ran. Matt stepped in his path and caught him.
“Don’t take this out on your sister,” he told Andy quietly. “She’s hurting, too. You all need to stick together now.”
Andy uttered a curse Matt had never expected to hear cross the boy’s lips.
He leveled a look straight into Andy’s eyes. “What would your dad think if he’d heard that?”
“Well, he’s not here, is he?” Andy retorted, then brushed past Matt and went inside.
Matt sighed. Whatever had happened at the lake the night before, this family’s world was never going to be the same again.
4
Emma was stunned by her mother’s appearance. No matter the time of day or the occasion, Rosa had always taken such pride in herself.
“No one wants to be greeted by someone looking haggard and disheveled when they come in the door for breakfast,” she’d told Emma more than once, when Emma would have settled for a hastily combed ponytail, a pair of jeans and a wrinkled T-shirt to work at the diner. It didn’t matter to her mother that grease and spills were likely to ruin clothes faster than playing outside in the dirt.
Rosa always wore bright colors, skillfully applied makeup and a ready smile, even at 6:00 a.m. And even after a tiring, ten-hour shift at Flamingo Diner, she usually looked as energetic and tidy as she had when she’d greeted the first customer in the morning. Somehow she never spilled anything on herself.
Tonight, though, her thick, dark hair was in disarray, her cheeks were pale and she was wearing the rattiest old robe in her closet, the one she usually wore when she scrubbed the floors. Emma was as shocked and dismayed by that as she was by the lost look in her mother’s red-rimmed eyes.
“Oh, Mama, I can’t believe it,” Emma whispered, crossing the room to take her mother in her arms. Rosa, whose figure she herself had always referred to as pleasingly plump, felt fragile to Emma, as if all the familiar strength had drained out of her overnight.
“Neither can I,” her mother said, clasping her hand. “I’m so sorry, Emma. I should have been the one to call you, but I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t want to believe it had happened. I still don’t.”
“Neither do I, Mama.”
Rosa’s gaze drifted away, as if she were looking at something Emma couldn’t see. “I keep waiting for him to come home,” she murmured, half to herself. Her gaze once again sought Emma’s. “He should be here by now. Don’t you think so?”
Alarmed by her mother’s refusal to accept reality, Emma squeezed her hands. “Mama, he’s not coming back. You know that.”
Her mother regarded her with a bewildered expression. “But that can’t be. He had an appointment after we closed and he said he’d be home right afterward. I’ve been waiting and waiting.”
“Daddy’s gone,” Emma said quietly but firmly. “He’s dead.”
The unexpected sharp slap of her mother’s hand against her cheek shocked her.
“Don’t say that,” her mother said furiously. “He’s not dead.”
Emma was too shaken to respond. Her mother had never hit her before, had never really lost her temper. As kids, they’d always known when Rosa was angry. Patches of color would flare in her cheeks and her eyes would flash, but her words were always cool and reasoned. There had been times when Emma had wished that she would simply yell at them, because that icy disappointment in her tone had been devastating.
Touching her cheek gingerly, Emma stood up and moved away, wanting to cry, but terrified that once she started, she’d never be able to stop. Obviously her safe, secure world was never going to be the same again, not with her father dead and her mother so distraught that she would actually slap one of her own children.
“Emma, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” Rosa said, sounding as shaken as Emma felt.
“It’s okay, Mama. You’re not yourself right now. None of us are.”
“It is not okay. I just…” She shook her head, as if to clear it. “I can’t think straight. I don’t want to think at all. Could you get me another one of the pills the doctor left? They’re in the bathroom.”
Emma retrieved the bottle and read the label. She had no idea what sort of medicine it was. “What are these?” she asked as she brought them into the bedroom.
“Sleeping pills,” her mother said. “They’re good. They keep me from remembering.”
“I thought you hated taking pills,” Emma said, worried by the eagerness with which her mother was reaching for the plastic bottle.
Her mother frowned at her. “I’ve never been in this situation before. The doctor prescribed them. It won’t hurt to take them for a few days, just to get through this.” She swallowed two and drank some water.
“You mean the funeral?” Emma asked.
“All of it,” her mother replied. “I want to sleep through all of it. I don’t want to wake up until the nightmare ends.”
Alarmed, Emma reached for the bottle, but her mother held fast. “You can’t hide from this, Mama. None of us can. There are decisions to be made.”
“Then you make them,” her mother told her, sliding beneath the covers and turning her back. It was like watching a turtle slowly retreat into its protective shell.
“What about Jeff and Andy? They’re going to need you. I need you.”
“You’re strong, Emma. You’ll do just fine. Maybe Kim can fly down and help you.”
“Kim has to work, Mama.”
“Then you’ll manage. I know you will.”
This was the second time someone had told Emma she was going to have to handle things. She wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility. Panicked by the prospect, she said urgently, “No, Mama. You’re the strong one. We’re counting on you.”
“Don’t,” her mother said flatly.
Emma stood where she was and stared at her mother’s back, feeling more shut out and alone than she ever had in her life. Her mother was overcome with grief, totally in shock. That’s what it was. It had to be. Rosa Killian wasn’t the kind of woman to turn her back on her family, on her responsibilities. All her life she had taught her children to be caring and generous with their support for friends in need. This retreat from reality wasn’t like her at all.
Was it possible that her mother had guessed it hadn’t been an accident? Was that what she really couldn’t face? Sooner or later, they would have to talk about it, all of it, but obviously not tonight.
Leaning down, she pressed a kiss to her mother’s damp cheek. “I love you, Mama.”
She waited for her mother to say, as she always did, “I love you back,” but there was only silence.
Outside the door to her mother’s room, Emma leaned against the wall and let the tears flow un-checked down her cheeks. She was beginning to fear that when her father’s car had gone into the lake, she’d lost not only him, but both of her parents.
Matt couldn’t make up his mind whether to go or stay. After Andy had charged past him, he’d considered leaving, but something told him that Emma was going to need him after she saw her mother. Rosa wasn’t herself. Not that anyone could blame her, but she was deliberately shutting everyone out, her kids included. Jeff and Andy had never needed her more, but she hadn’t reached out for them after Matt had delivered the news about Don. When Matt had refused to deny the news of Don’s death, she’d simply gone into her room and closed the door behind her. He doubted it would be any different with Emma. His heart ached for her, for all of them.
He’d been ready for the tears when he’d met Emma at the airport, but not the underlying vulnerability. The Emma he remembered had been strong, resilient, like her mother. She’d had a biting wit and a confidence that came from knowing that she was well loved. He’d figured the years would only solidify those traits. But if confidence had failed Rosa at a time like this, it was only reasonable that it would have failed Emma, too.
After all, this was hardly a normal circumstance. For all he knew, Emma could take on the world under most conditions.
He found the coffee in the kitchen cupboard and started to brew a pot, then decided tea would be better. Hadn’t he heard somewhere that tea was supposed to be soothing? Or was that just herbal tea? God, why didn’t he know these things? Why wasn’t he better prepared to help this family he loved g
et through this crisis? In his years on the police force, he’d somehow mustered the courage to deliver bad news, but he’d rarely been left to deal with its aftermath. With friends involved, however, he couldn’t walk away. He felt like he owed it to Don to stay and cope with the fallout from his passing.
He was still standing in the middle of the kitchen, boxes of tea spread out on the table, when Emma walked in. Her face was streaked with tears, her expression shattered. Matt would have reached for her as he had at the airport, but there was something about her rigid stance that told him she wouldn’t welcome his embrace a second time. In fact, she looked as if she were holding herself together by a thread. He didn’t want to do anything to shatter what was left of her composure.
“I was going to make…” He hesitated, then shrugged sheepishly and gestured at the boxes of tea and coffee he’d dragged from the cupboard. “Something.”
Her lips curved into a fleeting smile. “Couldn’t make up your mind?”
“It’s a little late to be drinking coffee. I thought tea would be better, but I don’t drink the stuff, so I wasn’t sure what kind to make. So, can I get you a cup of something? You tell me.”
“Chamomile tea would be wonderful,” she said, slipping into a chair at the table.
Matt noted the exhaustion in her eyes. “Would you rather go to bed? You’ve had a tough day. You don’t have to entertain me. I can take off.”
“No, stay, please,” she said urgently. “I don’t want to be alone just yet. I won’t be able to get to sleep.”
“Okay, then,” he said, pouring hot water over the tea bag, then setting the cup in front of her.
He pulled out a chair across from her. “How’d it go with your mother?”
“She’s in bad shape. She doesn’t want to deal with any of this. She says I should do whatever I want.” She regarded him with despair. “How can I make the kinds of decisions that need to be made? I have no idea what sort of funeral to arrange. She’s our mother. He was her husband. These are her choices to make. I don’t know if they have burial plots, a particular funeral home they prefer. How could I know that? I thought it would be years and years before I needed to know details like that.”
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