by Lisa Edward
Adam laughed. “He looks nothing like either of us.” He gazed adoringly into my eyes. “He looks just like his mum…beautiful.”
Adam and Will were both captivated by the little bundle of cuteness while Brody’s eyes widened at the matching unfamiliar faces.
“Hey, sweetie. This is your daddy.” It wasn’t until the words had tumbled from my mouth that I realized how I had longed to say them out loud.
All throughout the pregnancy, Angie had been by my side, an absolute godsend. She had held my hair during the first trimester of morning, noon, and night sickness, taken me shopping for nursery furniture, even attended prenatal classes with me, and had been there when Brody came into the world, his little scrunched up red face screaming bloody murder. She was Auntie Ang, and I was Mommy. Finally, Brody had his daddy and even an uncle Will.
“I wanted to tell ya, so much,” I said, watching as Brody grasped Adam’s finger in his little hand. “This was the only time I picked up the phone to call you. I thought you had a right to know.” I hesitated. “And I may have searched for you some on the Internet, and every social media platform I could think of.” I shrugged. “It was like you’d disappeared off the face of the earth.”
“I’m so sorry I let you down, Evie. I should have been here.” Lifting Brody’s hand to his lips, he delicately kissed his son’s tiny fingers. “You’ve given me so much. A reason to fight, a love so deep I never thought possible, and a son. The child I wanted. I have a legacy now.” He shook his head. “I won’t be forgotten.”
“You’ll never be forgotten, Adam.”
There was a snap and whir. I looked up to see Will taking photos of Adam holding Brody with his phone.
“You know Mum is going to freak when she sees these.” Will looked at me. “She already thinks you’re a saint.”
I thought it was a great idea. I’d been taking photos of Brody every time he did something cute, but to have pictures of him with his dad would be memories for all of us to treasure. It was also a way to track Adam’s progress as his hair grew back and he gained a little more weight until he was back to his old self.
“Can I hold my nephew?” Will’s arms reached out tentatively and Adam handed Brody over. He stirred, then started to grumble. “Oh, I think he wants his mum.”
I chuckled as Will quickly offloaded him back to me. “He wants his dinner.”
I hadn’t been around men in the six and a half weeks since Brody had been born. In fact, the only person I’d spent any time with was Angie. I lifted my top and proceeded to unclip my maternity bra, before both Adam and Will cleared their throats loudly.
“Oh, crap!” Jerking my top back down, I pushed the embarrassment aside as my eyes lifted to Will, who was looking everywhere but at me.
“Maybe we could take our bags to the bedrooms and unpack, while you…” Will pointed over his shoulder to my boobs.
That was a great idea. Will would have to set up in Brody’s room on the sofa bed, which meant we would have to bring Brody’s bassinet into our room. But from the look of Adam’s tired eyes, he would need plenty of rest, and having a newborn in your room wasn’t conducive to getting a good night’s sleep. Maybe Adam should have my bed and Brody and I could camp in the living room?
“I want to sleep with you,” Adam said softly, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “If you still want me. Brody can come into our room, can’t he?”
“He gets up a couple of times a night, and you need to rest, Adam.”
“I want him with us.” Adam stroked Brody’s cheek lightly with the back of one finger. “I can’t take my eyes off him. He’s such a perfect miniature person.”
I directed traffic while Will, with a little help from Adam, moved the bassinet into our room. I had bought an easel and paints for Adam as a surprise and set them up in his corner by the window, but they were soon pushed to one side to make space for an even more precious gift.
As Will unpacked in his room, I sat propped up on the bed and fed Brody, watching Adam as he put his clothes away. He was home, finally back and settling in with enough clothes that reassured me he wasn’t going anywhere for a while.
“I believe this is yours,” he told me, holding up my buttercup-yellow sweater. “I’m returning it to you, safe and sound as promised.”
I smiled. “Look in the bottom drawer.”
Adam pulled open the drawer and chuckled as he lifted out his painting jeans.
“Check the front.”
Adam’s rich laugh filled the room as he unfolded the jeans to find a circular hole cut in the front.
“’Cause I didn’t know you’d be bringin’ company. I thought you could wear ’em ’round the house a bit.”
He laughed again, holding them up in front of him to see that the hole was positioned perfectly.
When he was done putting away his clothes, he lay on the bed beside me, watching as I burped Brody on my shoulder.
“You’re a natural, baby. Watching you feed our son—it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
I chuckled. It had felt anything but natural for the first few weeks, but I was slowly getting the hang of things. “It came as a surprise, I can tell ya. He’s a little miracle all right.”
Adam nodded his agreement. “He’ll be an only child. I can’t…the treatment.” He sighed heavily. “All the radiation and chemo, it killed my swimmers.” He stroked my thigh. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t think it was that huge of a deal because I didn’t think you could have kids anyway. Looks like Chuck was the one who couldn’t.” He flopped onto his back, covering his eyes with his forearm. “I thought I had this all figured out. Go to England, have the operation and treatment, then come bouncing back like nothing had changed. But seeing you, it brings home just how much has happened during the last year.”
He had suffered so much sadness. With every piece of the jigsaw puzzle that he divulged, I could see how this entire illness had depleted him not only of his health, but also his pride as a man.
“Adam, you were willin’ to be with me when you thought I couldn’t have a family, weren’t you?”
“Of course. I love you. You’re all I need.”
“And that’s how I feel ’bout you. We have Brody, which is more than I ever thought possible. Let’s count our blessin’s. You’re here, and we have a beautiful little son together.”
We lay on the bed with Brody between us, watching his every move and facial expression as if he were the first newborn to ever gurgle, until Adam quietly drifted off to sleep. He needed his rest—that was obvious—so I took Brody out to the living room where Will gladly scooped him up for a cuddle.
“How’s Adam’s appetite? What can he eat?” I asked Will as I thought about scraping dinner together.
“It’s picking up now that the treatment is over. He’ll eat whatever you give him.”
I nodded, my mouth twisting in contemplation. I was sure there were things I should know, or things I should know to ask, but I had no experience with cancer.
“I’m the fussy eater,” Will said, his eyes sparkling from the cheeky grin on his face. “I’ll expect three courses every night.” Will’s grin dropped as he watched my expression with knowing eyes. “I know it’s hard, love, but just treat him the same. He wants to keep things as normal as possible between the two of you, which is why he wants me to look after his medication for him.”
My brow knitted together. I hadn’t even thought about medication.
“You’re his girlfriend. He doesn’t want you becoming his nurse. The last thing he wants is to be reminded every day that he has a terminal illness.”
Terminal illness.
It didn’t seem real that Adam was dying. Surely this was all a bad dream, and I would wake up to find a fit and healthy Adam lying beside me. Still, Will had said it could be years, and maybe with advancements in science those eight or nine years could be prolonged even further. Or it could be six months.
Was that six months after the surgery, or
six months from now?
“Will, when you said six months, did ya mean six months from—”
“You’ll drive yourself crazy thinking like that, love. Don’t count the days until he dies. Cherish the days he’s still here.”
I nodded, my focus returning to dinner and the task at hand. Will was right. I made myself a promise I would keep. There would be no waiting and wondering. To the best of my ability I would push the cancer from my mind and treat Adam the same way as I had ten months ago.
Will woke Adam while I changed Brody and put him in the bassinet. Resisting the urge to ask Adam if he could drink alcohol, I opened a bottle of red and poured three glasses, placing them on the table. Then I realized I didn’t know if Will drank wine, but I needn’t have worried; he came straight over and drank half a glass in one gulp.
“Ah, that’s good,” he commented as he topped off his glass. “Our parents’ house is bone dry. Can’t even get a lager there.”
Adam laughed as he took his seat. “They don’t drink at all, so the idea that anyone else would want to doesn’t enter their minds.”
“They don’t realize if we’re staying with them, we need a fucking drink to get through it.”
Adam slapped Will on the shoulder, sharing the joke.
“So you don’t live with your parents?” I asked.
Will gaped at me indignantly. “What? Do you think I’m a thirty-two-year-old mummy’s boy? No, I don’t live there. I just stayed there to be close to my little brother and the hospital.”
“Little brother? I thought y’all were twins?”
“Ha! I’m seven minutes older.”
“And he never lets me forget it,” Adam added, as both men laughed.
Adam squeezed my hand as I sat beside him, and I was pleasantly surprised by how much strength he had.
“I can’t believe we’re back here.” He sighed, gazing at me adoringly. “And we don’t have to go anywhere. We can stay as long as we want.”
“We can stay forever.”
Adam nodded, his eyes misting over. “I want to stay here forever, however long that may be.”
The conversation inevitably turned to Adam’s surgery and the hospital stay, but I wanted to lighten the mood. There would be plenty of time to discuss what the next steps were in his treatment.
“So I assume your condition is why Annabel kept showin’ up when we were here last year?” I asked.
Will’s jaw dropped open as he turned to Adam. “You brought Anna here?” Then he turned to me. “And you stayed anyway?”
I shrugged at him. I couldn’t believe I’d stayed either.
Adam rolled his eyes at Will. “She had to sign the documents regarding my condition so we could push the surgery through. Then, when I caught the flu, she took me to hospital before it completely screwed up my respiratory system.”
“Did you disinfect the house after she left?” Will asked seriously.
I stifled a giggle while Adam just shook his head at Will.
“Or throw a bucket of water on her? You know she’d melt.”
“Will, that’s enough,” Adam chastised with a slight grin.
My eyes darted between the two of them. I was obtaining an enormous amount of pleasure from having someone here who seemed to dislike Annabel as much as I did.
“Well, I hope you at least burnt sage, got rid of all the bad mojo,” Will muttered under his breath.
Adam gave him the “drop it” look.
Will smirked, obviously enjoying winding his brother up. “You know in the olden days, she would have been burned at the stake.”
“For fuck’s sake, Will,” Adam said. “They used to burn witches, not bitches.” He smirked. “Although she may be both, I’m not entirely sure.”
I couldn’t hold my giggle in any longer. The bond between these two men was something I wish I’d had growing up.
Adam swirled his glass of red, gazing deep into the goblet. “Still, she did come through when I needed her to. After everything that happened between us, she helped me out.”
“So there is somethin’ more in her chest than silicone.” I blurted it out before I could think, then smiled apologetically at Adam in case I’d overstepped my boundary.
But I needn’t have worried. Both Adam and Will burst out laughing, Will choking on his wine in the process.
It was only 9:00 p.m., but both Adam and I were exhausted. After nursing Brody and changing his diaper, we climbed into bed, leaving Will in the living room to fend for himself.
My heart sang as Adam and I lay facing each other, his face barely visible as the half-moon shone little light through the window. After ten months of sleeping by myself, he was finally here, the sinking of the mattress that made me roll toward the center confirming I was no longer alone.
Adam’s fingertips lightly caressed my cheek, brushing my hair from my face. As his hand ran down my jaw, I closed my eyes and leaned into it.
“I want you so much, Evie,” he whispered. “Not a day went by that I didn’t dream about holding you and touching you.”
Lacing my fingers through Adam’s, I brought his palm to my mouth, kissing it lightly.
“But I don’t know if I can anymore.”
My eyes opened to see Adam’s distraught face staring back at me. “Do you mean you can’t physically?”
He nodded, his head rustling the pillow. “I haven’t been able to get…” He hesitated.
“Hard?” I asked.
He nodded again, huffing out a strained breath. “Not for long anyway, and not completely.”
“I don’t know if I can yet either. I only gave birth six and a half weeks ago.” I knew it was possible, but that didn’t stop the nerves churning my stomach every time I thought about it. After everything my body had gone through, and the burning sensation I’d endured just from peeing, being touched down there filled me with apprehension.
“But you know that you can, whether it’s now or in a few weeks’ time. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.”
Wrapping my arms around Adam’s shoulders, I pulled him toward me. He rested his head on my shoulder, his body shaking from silent tears. I held him, stroking his back until his body stilled and the tears dried.
“There’s no pressure, babe. Just the fact that you’re here’s enough for me.”
“But for how long?” He sniffled and raised his head. “When I think about how we used to be, Evie, the things we did in every room of this house. I can’t just be your friend. Being here and not being able to be with you, it’s not enough for me, and before long it won’t be enough for you either.”
I stroked his head as it came to rest on my shoulder again, the soft, fine hair slipping through my fingers. There was only one way to find out if we could ever get back to how we once were, but I had to be careful. If I pushed and it backfired, Adam might never have the confidence to try again.
“Can we snuggle and kiss? No touching—no sex. I just wanna hold you, and be held.” I was hoping Adam would want to touch me. How could he not? My boobs were enormous, but I wanted to let him set his own pace, in his own time.
As Adam brought his forehead to mine, I ran my hand down his neck to the scar on his chest. “Can I touch here or is it sore?”
“It’s fine, baby.” His rich voice assured me. “Everything’s healed.”
Everything physical may have healed, but there were emotional and psychological scars that were still raw.
Kissing him gently on the cheek, I let my hand ever so slowly continue down to his hip where it came to rest. I kissed the tip of his nose, then found his lips, barely touching them as I brushed mine against his. He exhaled a ragged breath, his hand cupping my cheek, holding my face while his lips pressed harder to mine.
Slowly, his hand slid from my cheek and made its descent down my neck to my chest, coming to rest on my breast. “Jesus, they’re massive,” he murmured against my lips as his fingers slipped inside my top.
I pulled back. “Sorry ’bout t
he bra.” I screwed up my nose. “Maternity bras are the second biggest deterrent next to granny panties.”
His eyes flashed with humor. “You could always take it off.”
Sitting up, I unhooked the monstrosity and flung it on the floor. “Just don’t squeeze ’em too hard.” I paused as my cheeks turned red hot. “Brody’s nearly due for a feed.” Oh God, this was embarrassing.
As Adam bit his lip to control his smile, his fingers drew circles around my nipples, instantly making them peak. The humor left his eyes as they turned dark. It was a look I remembered well. Leaning forward, his tongue replaced his fingers as the circles continued.
“I can see I’ll be fighting Brody for access to these.” He licked again, then nipped hard with sheathed teeth.
My back arched up as I puffed out a breath, my whole body humming from his touch.
I needed to feel his body against mine. Slowly edging forward, I stopped when his T-shirt brushed against my stomach. His arm wrapped around my back and pulled my chest tightly against his as his mouth made its way back to mine, his tongue coaxing my lips apart. Gingerly, my hand slid around to his ass, holding it still while I shimmied closer until there wasn’t a breath of air between us. And then I felt the first glimmer of hope—a twitch. A twitch that turned into a bulge pressing against me, making my body cry out to be touched.
He pulled away, panting, a slight smile gracing his gorgeous face. “Can I touch you…down there?” he asked as his fingers slid inside my pajama pants. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t hurt me.” I could already feel my body responding to Adam’s closeness, his kisses, his touch.
Careful fingers ran around to the front of my pajamas, delving into my wetness. Sighing, I ran my hand inside Adam’s boxers, lightly gripping his length.
He groaned as he twitched again in my hand until he was rock hard. “Can we try?” he asked hesitantly. “I want to try to be inside you.”
Quickly discarding any remaining clothing, we lay back together, tenderly kissing and touching. I didn’t want to race too far ahead—Adam needed to feel comfortable—so I let him set the pace as we slowly and gently came together. As Adam tentatively slid inside me, I let out a sigh of relief. I had healed, and the feel of him ignited a fire in me that I had pushed to one side while I had been alone.
