“Con, what’s going on? Where are you?” I asked.
Then I heard. “Con, come over here, the food’s getting cold and so am I,” purred a female voice. I could almost hear him running his hand down his face in frustration.
“Pea, this is not what it seems. I promised a friend of mine I would meet him for breakfast today. There’s this girl he likes and she wanted to bring a friend and he asked me to double with him a couple of days ago, I didn’t want to let him down, but obviously nothing is going to happen,” he rushed his explanation out.
“Con, I didn’t think for a second that anything would’ve happened between you and the girl,” I answered softly and even I could hear the hurt in my own voice. “However, out of respect for me and what happened last night, and what might’ve happened between us because of it, plus the fact that you said you desperately want me back, you should’ve phoned or texted your friend and called it off,” I stated.
“Pea, don’t do this. It’s not like that. I mean I should’ve called it off, but I’m a dick and I wasn’t thinking straight.” His pleas were falling on deaf ears because I was done.
“Con,” I whispered, “tell me what would you say… do... or how would you feel if after having the most mind-blowing sex, followed by a lot of beautiful lovemaking with me, you awoke the next morning to a note. Not knowing where you stood, you then call me, for me to tell you I’m too busy to talk. After which you hear a guy in the background talking to me seductively, and my explanation of that is to tell you I’m technically on a date. Even though it doesn’t mean anything?” I knew I’d gotten to him when I heard him growl. Loud. I sighed. “Con, I’ll see you later at lunch…” I paused before adding the killer blow, “Oh and Con? Thanks for last night, it was a great birthday present.” Then I cut off the call and switched my phone off. I got up, showered and dressed and went out for the day, not wanting to be at home where I could be found. Not surprisingly, he didn’t show at lunch.
Although we’d spoken I didn’t see him for another week. We never talked about that night. It was like it was a magical dream.
“Seriously Pea, you freak me the fuck out when you zone out on me like that,” Dane says alarmed and I realise I probably look like a freak staring off into space, but hey if he wants to get to know me he has to take it in his stride because I’ve done this since I was a small child.
“Roll with it Dane, just roll with it. It’s just me.” I wink at him and any previous uncertainty or tension has evaporated.
“Let’s get our skating on,” I say happier than I thought I would be. Again he has me wondering why I’m so relaxed around him.
“Okay sunshine, let’s go.” He motions toward his car.
I freeze.
“I... I... just no... I can’t,” I mutter.
“Pea, I know about the accident. Soph filled me in.” His eyes take on a look sad. “You look like a deer caught in the headlights, Pea. It’s okay. Take my hand and I’ll help you through this. You can’t avoid cars forever. You’ve been in a car since the accident, right?” he asks softly.
“Yeah Dane, but only with Con,” I wheeze out feeling a stabbing pain through my chest.
He has a determined look on his face. “Well, today sunshine, you’re going to get in a car with me.”
My eyes flit between the car and Dane. I need to do this. I have to push myself. I cannot keep letting the ghosts of the past haunt me and control my life. I look at Dane, resolute in my decision.
“Right, let’s do this,” I answer, determined. Before I know it he’s grabbed my hand in his and is pulling me toward his big, sporty looking, and scary car. I hesitate and stop, pulling against Dane’s hand. He turns around and a frown crosses his handsome face.
“Sunshine?” he questions.
“I just, I don’t know… I don’t think—” he interrupts my waffling.
“You can do this, Pea, trust me.” I look up into his eyes and can see they’re full of kindness, and something else that I just can’t quite place. I feel my body slowly loosen and after I make a conscious choice to unfurl my toes, the rest follows suit until my fingers unclench from around Dane’s hand. I look down and see that his hand now has blood rushing back to the surface where I was gripping him so tightly.
“Sorry,” I say sheepishly.
Smiling he says, “Don’t worry sunshine, it’s worth it if you get into that car with me and we go skating.”
I nod my head in agreement and take the few more steps to the car. Inhaling in a deep steadying breath and then exhaling slowly, Dane opens the door and I slide in. The seats are luxurious, all leather and soft. I close my eyes as I hear the driver’s door open and Dane slides in. I look over at him and smile.
“Thank you, Dane. This just takes me one-step closer to overcoming my fears completely. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll drive myself again.” I feel sick at that thought, but weirdly enough I also feel a fierce determination that I will accomplish that task.
One day I’ll overcome all my demons. In that moment, right then, I vow to do just that. To make myself better. To make myself worthy again. To build myself up from the inside out, so I’m not so scared of life anymore. So I can wear my scars knowing what I’ve learnt from them, rather than hiding them ashamed of what I’ve done. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look in the mirror and not blame myself anymore. Although with that thought a cold shiver runs right through me.
Before I realise it Dane has started the car and pulled away from the curb, and apart from my heart jumping into my mouth momentarily, which I overcome by counting to ten in my head, I find the journey bearable. When we arrive at the skating rink, in one piece, I feel like I’ve taken one of the first steps toward slowly rebuilding my life. It’s such a small thing to most. Getting in a car. Taking a journey from A to B. But for me, it’s monumental. I haven’t been able to do that with anyone but Con, so this is a triumph. Especially as Con isn’t around anymore to take me in his car… to help me move forward, to help me feel whole.
I get out and we make our way to the roller disco and I feel thirteen again. As we enter the rink I find myself remembering exactly how to do this. Like I hadn’t last skated when I was a teen. I find myself gliding round the rink, and when I look to my left, Dane is there smiling my way. I pull to a stop. At that moment, Dane takes a photo of me with his phone.
“Hey! What are you doing?” I grumble.
“You just have to see your face. I’ve never seen it more alight with glee,” he says while smiling.
“Yeah, well you haven’t known me for that long,” I answer and a look of hurt washes over his face.
“Well sunshine, I feel like I’ve known you a lot longer,” he replies softly and I instantly feel bad for my comment, even though I wasn’t trying to be hurtful.
“That’s another thing, why do you call me sunshine?” I question, thinking about the fact that it seems I’ve adopted a nickname from him and trying to move the conversation forward.
He looks down at me and smiles before answering, “Because Pea, you’re like a little ray of sunshine to me. Brightening up my days whenever you’re around. You may not realise it yet, but you have a warmth about you that draws people in. When you’re not purposely shutting them out, that is. They just need to get past that outside wall you have up first. And in case you haven’t noticed I like being around you.” He pulls me into a hug then pulls away and skates off, turning around and skating backwards shouting, “Come on slow coach, try to keep up.” I look around and notice that he has the attention of most of the females in the place. I’m still not sure how I feel about that? I mean, if we’re on a date then I should be annoyed or smug, but our status isn’t defined. I don’t feel like when we spend time together it is dating, but at the same time I don’t understand why a random guy I met at a party a couple of weeks ago would want to spend time with me unless he wants more. A thought crosses my mind that he might be gay, but I quickly dismiss it as I’ve seen the way he looks at women. Although
he’s never looked at me that way, which sends my mind into another spiral of thoughts. I don’t know how I feel about Dane and me, and this, whatever this is we’ve got going on between us, but I know I need to figure it out, and soon!
The rest of my week moves quickly. I feel lighter somehow like I’ve relieved some of the pressure I was feeling. I’m not quite sure why though. It seems silly to think this, but I do find myself wondering if it’s because of Dane. He seems to understand me in a way I’ve rarely felt. It’s like he can see inside me and knows exactly what I need and how to soothe me. He’s like a balm. A strong, kind, smoking hot balm, that no matter how I try, I just can’t see him outside of the friendship zone. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m still hung up on Con or not, but Dane certainly isn’t giving off the normal signals of someone who’s trying to get into my pants, so I know it’s not just me.
What I do wonder though is why our relationship is like this? I mean I want to ask him, but I’m enjoying his company so much and we don’t have to put a label on it. Fuck! I’m grateful for someone who seems to care about me.
Sod it! Stop over analysing and go with the flow, and even as I think it, I realise that’s not going to happen. I’m a natural over-thinker, I always have been. I guess as long as I use it for good and don’t wander over to the dark side.
As it’s Saturday and I want a lazy weekend I decide to cook and cosy into the sofa to watch television, but I also know I promised Dane that we’d do something last night and I rain-checked him because I wanted to veg out. So I decide to invite Soph and Dane over for dinner. I text Soph first.
Me: Hey chick do you want to come for dinner tonight?
It takes about a minute to let me know of an incoming text, which is unusual for Soph as her texts are usually instantaneous.
Soph: Can I pass?
Me: Sure. What’s up?
Soph: Just had a heavy night and need to clear my head.
Me: Okay, I’m here if you want me. x
Soph: Thanks. x
I stare at the last text for a while. Something is off with Soph. She was fine on Tuesday, I’m sure she was. I need to get it out of her, but I can’t push her though. I’ll give her a couple of days then drag it out of her. She’ll clam up if I try and push her straight away. I’ve found over the years you need to let Soph get her own head straight, before barging in on her thoughts. Only when she can’t work out her thoughts will she come to you for fixing. Otherwise, half of finding out what’s wrong with her is guess work.
I decide to try Dane, so I send a text.
Me: Want to come to mine for dinner tonight?
He doesn’t answer at all. I actually feel deflated. I was looking forward to a night by myself chilling and now that’s looking like a very real possibility. I feel let down. I stare out of the window for a minute watching the quiet street. The sun’s beaming down on the cars and it’s a fairly warm morning for October.
I glance over at my phone and hesitate before reminding myself I’m moving forward, being brave. I stare at myself in the mirror over the fireplace for a moment, giving myself a stern face. I pick up the phone and dial the number I can recite in my sleep. It just rings, and rings, and after the sixth ring I realise it’s only 11.30 a.m. here, so it’s probably about 5.30 a.m. in New York, and it’s a Saturday. I’m about to hang up when the phone is answered.
“Hey, this is Conner’s phone,” a sultry, sexy, dishevelled very, very female voice says.
I still.
I don’t think I breathe.
“Hello?” the same sultry voice asks.
I look at my phone and press end call repeatedly until I see the screen clear.
I sit on the sofa and stare at the photographs on my mantle. Con and me. Con, Saul, Soph and me. Gran and me. I need her now. I don’t know why I feel so numb. It’s not like he’s cheating on me, but he still surrounds me.
I still feel like I belong to him.
I’m just so tired of it all.
I jump when my phone pings letting me know I have a text. I realise that might be Con. I mean he has caller ID. Shit, I didn’t think this through.
I breathe a sigh of relief when I realise its Dane, although I’m now very aware that Con will see that I called and I find I’m anxious to see what he’s going to do, if anything. I don’t know what worries me more – what he will do, or how I’ll feel if he doesn’t do anything.
I open Dane’s text.
Dane: Sorry, I’m tied up today. Can we chat tomorrow?
I frown at the phone and wonder what he’s doing. Then realise I sound like a stalker, even in my own head.
Me: Sure.
Dane: Sorry sunshine, I’ll take you out to Sunday lunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll cook.
Dane: Is that safe?
Me: Cheeky git! Yes, it’s safe. I’m a good cook!
Dane: Okay, I’ll be round yours at about 1:00 p.m. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah that works. See you tomorrow.
Dane: I may call you later if that’s all right?
Me: Sure. Later.
Again I assess the situation. I’ve always found speaking to someone on the phone more intimate. I know that probably sounds crazy, but I find I’m only really comfortable in doing so with close friends, and of course Gran, when she was here. This will be the first time I’ve spoken to Dane on the phone and I’m jittery.
I lay myself down on the sofa and put on some music. I always listen to music to calm and help me think. My iPod is on shuffle and Lady Antebellum’s ‘Need You Now’ comes on. I close my eyes and listen, trying to regulate my breathing so I don’t cry. I don’t know how long it takes, but I know I don’t get to finish listening to the song before I’m asleep.
I force my eyes open. The light is shining in through the huge loft windows. I love being on the top floor in the building, it has amazing views and you feel like you have some peace in a crazy city. I mean I always thought London was busy, but New York is on another level. Usually, I have the curtains closed so the light doesn’t blind me and I can have half an hour wake up time before letting the day in. I put my arm over my head and groan. I startle when I hear a voice.
“Morning.”
I whip my head around to see a woman in front of me with a tray and what looks like tea, pancakes and toast.
“Hey,” I wince as my head throbs.
“I thought I’d make you breakfast,” she says and flutters her lashes at me. I’m trying to place her, but even if I did know her it’s very obvious from her behaviour that she doesn’t know me at all. The fluttering doesn’t work before I’ve had my first cuppa. I don’t do breakfast, and I don’t like the curtains in my bedroom open. Which I have now deduced must’ve been her. The one thing I will give her is that she brought me a cup of tea and not coffee, and seeing as she must’ve made it in my kitchen it should be a decent tea bag brand. I pick up the cup of tea and take a sip. Fuck! I’ve never had tea this bad. I want to tell her to leave so I can make my own. Wake up a bit. You know, just scratch my balls and have some space, but now she’s sliding into my bed.
Fuck! What’s her name?
I try to make my mind work. Lisa? No, that’s not it. Lucy? Oh shit, what is it? Then my brain kicks in slightly, that’s right it’s Libby, the elevator girl. How the fuck did she end up in my bed? I scratch my head and try to remember what the hell happened last night. I know I went out with Lewis, which is never a great idea. I remember drinking. A lot! I don’t remember how I got back to my apartment, although I do have a fuzzy memory of walking through the foyer of the building.
That’s it! I obviously met Libby somewhere between the foyer and my apartment door. What happened with her though, I haven’t a clue. Suddenly a thought pops into my mind. Did I use a fucking condom?
“Libby?” I can hear the croak in my voice as it breaks with fear.
“Yeah?”
“Did we use a rubber?” I ask.
“A rubber?” she questions with a look
of confusion on her face.
“Yeah, you know a condom?” I think I may strangle her if she doesn’t answer me in the next ten seconds.
“No? Why would we?” she answers.
“Well fuck, Libby, I don’t know, maybe so we don’t get diseases or get pregnant! Fuck!” I end with a shout.
“Well, fuck you too!” she shouts back jumping up off the bed. “First of all, I don’t have any fucking diseases and furthermore, I’m on the pill.” Her eyes are burning into me and I realise she hasn’t finished, “Secondly Mr. Fucking Stud, you couldn’t perform last night, so we didn’t have sex,” she finishes with a flourish and crosses her arms over her chest.
“Thank fuck for that,” I sigh out with relief and her eyes flare with hurt.
I realise I’ve been rude as soon as I stop talking. I’m not quite sure what’s happened between us, but she’s just made me breakfast and obviously likes me and I’ve just treated her like shit, because I got smashed last night and can’t remember what I’ve done.
“Look Libby, I’m really sorry. I just panicked. I’ve never had sex with anyone without a condom, and I usually know what I’m doing,” I pause for thought, “In fact, I’ve only ever had drunken sex when I’ve been in a relationship.” I rub my chin and think back about Pea seven years ago...
Pea: Meet me there.
I looked at the text and groaned. Pea had been on at me to visit this bar for weeks and she wouldn’t get it out of her head, no matter what I did. Saul and Soph didn’t seem that interested in going. I’m pretty sure it was all old and lonely people.
It was my own fault I was getting roped into this though.
It was just over a week since it was her nineteenth birthday and I’d given her a pair of diamond earrings. They weren’t very expensive, you could barely see the diamonds. I couldn’t afford much as I’d only just started working at the paper part-time while I was studying journalism at University, but I wanted something with her birthstone and these were all I could afford. I also gave her some vouchers. Not the normal kind that would’ve been too easy. I’d given her five special vouchers – for one use only.
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts Series Book 1) Page 9
