Duet Rubato

by Claerie Kavanaugh

  “Incredible, isn’t it?” she murmurs resting her hand atop mine.

  “Yeah.” It is.”

  By the time our meal arrives, I’m barely thinking about how high we are, and Addie and I slip back into the easy banter of our childhood. The tranquility doesn’t last long though, before my phone plays Brayden’s ringtone.

  “Who’s that?” Addie asks, scrunching her nose.

  “My brother. He’s got Lys tonight. Grayson’s out of town and she didn’t want to stay with Evelyn and Henry.” For once. Ever the climbing gym, she’s been much colder toward her grandmother. And, as horrible as it might sound, I’m glad something finally got through to her.

  Addie’s features clear and she nods in the direction of the purse hanging off the back of my chair before returning to her food. “I’m sure they’re fine.”

  Crap. Am I that easy to read?

  I mouth Thank you as I grab the cell and whisk my thumb across the screen. Lyn’s right. There’s no reason to be nervous. Surely . . .

  “Hello?” Brayden’s voice crackles through the speaker and I put the phone to my ear.

  “No!”

  “Lyssa?” I close my eyes, but my breaths come out in short spurts, like I’m recovering from sprinting from the balcony all the way down to the stage right before my cue. Addie’s eyes fly up to meet mine.

  “Is she okay?” she asks.

  “I don’t know. Baby, what’s wrong?” Her screeching gets loud enough that I have to yank my cell back. Oh, God, what’s happening? Did Lyssa call me by accident when Brayden was trying to put her to bed? Yes, that’s it. It has to be.

  “Catie? Are you there?”

  “Bray?” My voice is steadier than expected.

  “Oh, good, you’re still—hold on. Lyssa, please.”

  “No!” she yells again. “It’s too cold.”

  “I know, sweetheart. It’ll help though, okay?”

  “But I’m chilly, Uncle Brayden.

  Chilly? My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth. Why would he give Lys something cold if she was already chilly? “Brayden?” I ask through gritted teeth.

  “I know, Lys, but—”

  “Brayden!” I shout. Several patrons turn to stare. Addie throws them a death glare until they look away. “What’s going on over there?”

  There’s some shuffling before he answers. “Sorry, Cate.” He sighs and I swear I can hear the nervous look he’s giving me.

  Crap, crap, crap! What is wrong with my baby? “Brayden Michael Klarken, you better answer me this instant or so help me—” I get a few more looks, and respond with the fiercest stink eye I can muster. Right now, I don’t give a rat’s behind how childish or overdramatic I sound. My baby is in trouble, and I pity anyone who gets in my way of figuring out how to help her.

  “Okay, okay!” Another hesitant exhale.

  I roll my eyes and dig my teeth into my bottom lip. “For Pete’s sake! Get on with it!”

  “Look, don’t freak out.”

  Too late. My heart keeps time with “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.”

  “I’m pretty sure it’s the flu, but Lyssa has a fever and she’s been puking.”

  “What?” I shriek. This time, more than a few heads snap up. My cheeks warm.

  Addie waves down the waiter and motions for our check before turning back to me.

  “Are you okay?”

  I shake my head.

  “I’m sure she’ll be fine,” Brayden says in a much more soothing tone. “I thought you should know.”

  I swallow, and Addie’s anxious gaze locks on me as she takes the bill. “I’m coming home,” I say, gathering my things.

  “Oh, no, don’t do that! What about your date? Won’t Addie—”

  “This is more important.” I cut him off. “I’ll see you there.” I hang up and stuff my cell in my pocket. As Addie pulls out her credit card, I nearly protest, but stop myself. We can fight about money later. Right now, I need to see Lyssa.

  “What’s wrong? Is she sick?”

  I nod. “I’m sorry,” I stand up. “But can you take me home?”

  She smiles and stands as well once the waiter returns the check. “Of course.”

  We skid to a halt in front of Catie’s apartment. She scrambles out of the car before I even put it in park. “Cate, hold on, I need to—”

  She ignores me and slams the passenger door shut, riffling through her purse for the apartment keys. I jog after her once my truck is locked. At the sight of her flushed face, trembling chin, and quaking hands, I swallow the fear coiling in my gut at the thought of seeing Lyssa again and place a hand on her arm.

  “Hey,” I whisper. Catie turns to me as tears glisten in her eyes. “She’s gonna be fine, okay? I know it’s scary, but she’s tough. Like her mother.” I squeeze her arm and she offers a shaky smile, but says nothing. She turns the key in the lock and we head inside and down the hall to her apartment.

  “Brayden?” she calls out, leading me toward the room farthest down the hall. “We’re home.” And the adrenaline is back. Her brother is here. And I didn’t think this night could get any more panic-inducing. At least he won’t murder me for breaking his sister’s heart in front of her kid. Right?

  Before we reach the door, the man steps out of the hall bathroom, carrying a cleaned basin. “There you are!”

  “I told you I’d get here as fast as I could, didn’t I?”

  “You did.” He nods and starts to step around us, does a double take and comes to a dead stop. His eyes narrow as they settle on mine. A shiver runs through me. I shouldn’t be afraid of someone I’ve known since childhood, but somehow, he looks a lot more intimidating than he used too. “Addie.”

  That’s all he says. I glance at Catie, but she smiles and shrugs as if to say, “Take what you can get.”

  She’s right. Just because I was prepped for a tirade doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful for a civil, if tense, exchange.

  “Brayden.” I nod and he flashes a noncommittal smile before turning toward the door at the end of the hall again.

  “Come on. She’s been asking for you.”

  “Mommy!” a tiny voice squeaks. As Brayden opens the door to her room, Lyssa attempts to scramble off the bed to greet her mother, stopped by Brayden’s hand on her arm.

  “Whoa there, squirt. No sudden moves, remember? We don’t want to make your stomach upset again.”

  Lyssa nods and ducks her head. “Sorry, Uncle Brayden.”

  He smiles and smooths her hair. “It’s okay.”

  “Be careful, love.” Catie laughs as she takes her brother’s place on the bed while he rounds the footboard to pick up a pile of discarded clothes.

  Lyssa snuggles into her side, and the stress drains from Catie’s body.

  “Aunt Megan said you might not get here ’cause you had a date.”

  A flash of hurt passes over her face before she nudges Lyssa’s shoulder. “Of course I’m here, silly,” she says, tapping her on the nose. “You’re my baby girl. You’re way more important than a date.”

  Lyssa giggles and the sound fills me with regret. “Mom, I’m nine, I’m not a baby.”

  Catie rolls her eyes and my lips twitch. “Maybe not, but you’ll always be mine.”

  Lyssa hums and closes her eyes. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, Lyssa girl,” Catie replies. “So much.” She kisses the top of her head before resituating herself so she sits cross-legged on the bed. “How are you feeling?”

  “It still hurts,” Lyssa says, rubbing her stomach.

  “How bad?” asks Brayden. I step into the hall and tune out the rest of the conversation. This isn’t my place. I need to leave.

  “Addie?” Shit. I squeeze my eyes shut. When I face Catie, she’s looking at me with wide eyes and furrowed brows. “Where are you going?”

  My vision mists and a lump tries to cage the words from escaping.

  “Home.” It’s more distant, more straightforward than I anticipated. Thank God.
At least I can put off falling apart for a while longer. Though, I’m not sure how much. The backs of my eyes sting, and the black voices in my head refuse to quit. “You don’t need me anymore.” The words are simple, kind, and by the way her features droop, she was expecting something different. Accusation, maybe? But right now, that’s all I can muster.

  “You, you don’t want to say hi?”

  I shake my head, sending the braided ponytail swinging down my back. Meeting her, for real, without Evelyn to interrupt, would leave the raw scars on my heart unhealable. I left her. I left them. Didn’t notice. Didn’t care. Okay, no. I’ve always cared. It’s not possible for me to have stopped. But I shut them out. I shaded her. I fought so hard for her to have a daughter and when she refused, I walked away. I walked away and even then, she made my choice. She had her baby. She put her family before her career. And not only had she had her daughter, but she kept her. Somehow, someway, she had uprooted her entire life to care for her baby girl.

  Even if it meant going broke. Even if it meant leaving a job she had worked for her entire life. Even if she would be shunned from the theater world forever, she still put her daughter first. Whereas I had been nothing but a coward who took the easy way out at the first sign of trouble. I had been wrong. Walking out on her wasn’t the hardest thing I’d ever have to do. This is.

  “I can’t.” I spin on my heel and start down the hall.

  “Addie?” She stops and grunts before Brayden and Lyssa’s voices call out.

  “Mom?”

  “Catie? Where are you going? Did you take your shoes off?”

  “I’ll be right back.”

  I pick up the pace as her bare feet slap against the floor.

  “Addie! Wait!”

  But I don’t. I round corner after corner, lost in the maze of hallways. I run until my legs threaten to give way, forcing me to sink into a tiny crevice, and bury my face in my knees. For once, I don’t try to quell the heaving, silent sobs wracking my body or the stained tears soaking my skirt.

  A gentle, hesitant hand rests between my shoulder blades and I snap to life. My eyes are sore and my limbs ache, but slowly, I turn my head and raise my gaze to the intruder. Blue irises and concerned features. I entomb my face back in the folds of the fabric and mumble into it. “Go away.”

  “Lyn.” Catie’s voice is soft and tinged with hurt. For me? Because of me? Probably the latter. Something shifts and the weight of her presence is much closer than it was a moment ago. She must have sat down. “Talk to me,” she begs, “please.”

  I shake my head and burrow deeper into my hunched position, mumbling under my breath.

  “Hmm?”

  A surge of anger ignites in me. “I said, I can’t, okay?” I vault to my feet and she scrambles to follow. “I can’t see her. I can’t see you. I shouldn’t even have let you say hi at auditions!” I start down the hall. “Pretend we never met.”

  “What?” She grabs my arm and moves in front of me before I take another step. “Why would I do that?”

  “Because,” I hiss as a few more tears drip across my cheek. “I don’t deserve you. I’ll fuck things up.”

  “Addie.” She pauses. “What are you talking about?”

  My foot hits the floor with a resounding smack. “You! Lyssa! This whole thing. Forget it.” I try to yank away from her grip, but she holds fast.

  “No, Adaline! I won’t. Not again.” My ears prick. Again? “I’ve been trying to get you out of my mind for nine goddamned years and you know what?” When I don’t answer, she gives me a pointed glare. “I can’t. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about how I let you walk away.”

  “Let me?” That’s not how I remember it.

  “And I’m not about to do it again.”

  “But I left you!” I scream. “You tried so hard to explain.”

  “Not hard enough. Because I couldn’t convince you to stay.”

  My eyes dart down to my shoes. “Nothing could’ve,” I whisper bitterly. “I was so angry back then.” I fist my hands. “You broke my trust.”

  “I know.” Catie says. I uncurl my fingers enough to let hers slip inside. “And I will regret it forever. But it gave me my daughter, and she is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me.”

  “One of?” I perk up.

  Catie’s face turns scarlet. “After everything we’ve been through, don’t you know what you mean to me?”

  My cheeks grow hot, then a thought crosses my mind. “You said you were putting her up for adoption. But she’s—”

  “Here?” Catie finishes, and I nod. “Another long story.”

  “Can you shorten it?”

  She opens her mouth, but her phone chimes from her pocket. She pulls it out and looks down. “It’s Brayden.” Hitting a button, she puts it to her ear. “Yeah, we’re fine.” She rolls her eyes before they widen. “Okay, I’m coming.”

  When she hangs up, I wait. “I’m sorry, I gotta go, Lyssa’s puking again.”

  I nod and smile. “Duty calls.”

  She extends her hand. “Come with me? After I clean her off, I could let her get to know you. If, if you want.”

  Panic washes over me. Is that what I want? I don’t know, but I find myself clasping it.

  We maneuver through the halls again, and when we reach her door, Catie faces me. “You don’t have to come in, if you don’t want to.”

  My heart pounds, but I square my shoulders. It’s now or never. “I do.”

  Catie beams and we step over the threshold. She leads me to the living room and tells me to make myself at home while she takes care of Lyssa. When she comes back, I stand and let her lead me toward the bedroom. Lyssa sits in the center of the mattress coloring a Hello Kitty picture with a box set of crayons.

  “Sweetheart?”

  She looks up, and her blue eyes stand out against her tanned skin as they bore into me. It’s amazing, she’s the perfect combination of the two of them.

  “Lys? There’s someone here to see you.”

  Lyssa puts down her red crayon and waves. “Hi,” she chirps. “I like your braid.”

  I smile and run my hand over it.

  “Mommy, will you do my hair like that?”

  Catie laughs. “I don’t know how, Lys. But maybe if you ask, Addie will do it for you.”

  I want to balk at the implication, but can’t resist the way her eyes light up.

  “Will you, Miss Addie?” she asks, abandoning her art supplies to scoot closer.

  I sneak a look at Catie, who nods before Brayden calls her into the hall.

  “Please?” she implores, and I groan. She’s already inherited her mother’s puppy dog eyes.

  I perch on the edge of the bed and beckon her into my lap. She comes without hesitation and even hums in contentment when I begin separating her strands of thick hair to construct tiny braids. Gradually, my fingers stop tingling, and we fall into a steady rhythm.

  Eleven days left on leave and I’m no closer to conquering my fear and getting back to work. I picked up extra shifts at the diner to make rent at the end of the month. Normally, I would’ve pulled from my savings, but after the fiasco with Lyssa interrupting our date, I’d decided it was time to invest in a car. Apparently, young mother paranoia plus convincing car salesman equals most expensive used, child-safe vehicle on the planet. Needless to say, it wasn’t an option. I didn’t have the guts to admit defeat, so Grayson’s parents didn’t know I wasn’t rehearsing. Not that I’d want to ask them for money anyway.

  The hours at the diner were terrible, but at least they kept a roof over our heads. Lyssa’s stomach bug had disappeared after a day or two—thank God—but she’d complained of a sore throat. No matter how many over-the-counter meds we tried in hopes it was a cold, it got worse. Earlier today, we took her into her regular pediatrician who diagnosed her with strep. I paid the co-pay, but it put quite a dent in my bank account. Grayson doesn’t know. He’s out of town and I don’t want to bother him. Anything he knows gets
back to his parents, and I can’t stand the idea of letting someone else take care of my little girl when she’s sick.

  “Mom!” Lyssa’s cries break through the house’s eerie silence.

  I sigh and shut the cabinet before leaning against the counter for support. I feel like Maria after Tony gets shot. Helpless. Useless. A simple girl facing a heavily-armed firing squad worth of problems.

  “I’m coming, sweetheart.” I cross the room to sit near her feet. “What is it?”

  “It hurts,” she moans, motioning to her throat. “And I’m freezing.”

  I brush my hand across her bangs, kissing her forehead. It’s damp with fever, but even through three layers of blankets, she’s shivering. “I’m sorry, my love. How ’bout some more soup, huh? You haven’t eaten since breakfast and it might help your throat.”

  “’Kay,” Lyssa mutters. Her eyes flutter closed as she snuggles deeper into the cushions.

  I stand. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Mm, Mama?”

  “Yes?”

  “After lunch, can we play a game? I’m bored.”

  I grin. “Maybe after you take a nap.”

  Lyssa yawns. “But I’m not slee—”

  And she’s out. I shake my head and move to open a can of chicken noodle.

  Okay, the West Side Story comparison was a bit far-fetched, even for me. Maria was alone with her troubles. She couldn’t even rely on her family to support her. At least I have Addie. And Megan. And Brayden.

  But seriously, if anything else goes wrong, I’m gonna lose it.

  As the microwave beeps to signal the soup is done, the front door clicks open and slams shut. “Cate?”

  “Shh!” I hiss, rushing to help Megan inside. “Lyssa’s asleep.”