I smiled and toyed with my shorts. “What these old things?”
His eyes hungrily followed the trail my hands made along my thigh. My body trembled. He wasn’t trying to hide the way he felt, not anymore, and for some reason, it felt like a huge breakthrough for us.
“Phoenix?”
“Yeah, Bee?” His voice was thick, heavy.
“Kiss me.”
“The frog doesn’t turn into a prince, and the beast doesn’t turn back into a human, Bee.” He shook his head. “That’s not how life really works.”
“I don’t mind frogs.”
He snorted.
“Beasts are kind of scary… but they can be tamed too.”
“Is that your way of saying you can tame me?”
“Aw, do you need a safe word?”
He let out a low chuckle. “Funny.”
“It can be bird, you know, because of your name and all.”
“How the hell do we go from talking about torture and rape to safe words and birds?” He still hadn’t moved from his position, and elation emboldened me. I hadn’t scared him off yet. Without a second thought, I gripped his hands in mine and stood.
He hissed out a breath.
“Phoenix…” I moved my hands to cup his face. “…kiss me.”
He still didn’t move.
“Fine,” I whispered. “Typical man, make the girl do all the work.” And then my mouth was on his, though I barely remembered moving.
Our lips fused together.
Our bodies touched.
He let out a groan, his lips moving slowly against mine, carefully, as if he was afraid too much pressure would break me.
I eased back. “You can do better than that,” I whispered against his lips, licking the seam, begging entry with my tongue. “Come on, Phoenix… you can do much, much better.”
“You’re right.” His hands tightened on my waist. “I actually can.”
I didn’t have time to prepare for his kiss.
For what it felt like to actually be truly kissed by Phoenix De Lange, not in anger, not in fear — but absolute desire.
His lips were urgent, his mouth hot as he deepened the kiss, his hands moving down my body, memorizing every square inch, only to move again and again. His tongue dipped in and out.
When he finally broke off the kiss, he pushed me away slightly and cursed. “I need a minute.”
I angled my head and raised my eyebrows. “Like a time out?”
His grin was beautiful, free. “Yeah, Bee, I need a time out. Give a guy a break. I’m not exactly… good at this.”
“Kissing?”
“For your information, I’m an excellent kisser. I’m just not good at what follows…”
“Ah, your cuddling skills need some work?”
His eyebrows arched. “Right, I’m a shit cuddler. You figured me out.”
“Did you ever try practicing with stuffed animals?”
He recoiled in surprise. “Were you dropped as a child?”
I rolled my eyes and crooked my finger. “More kissing.”
“Bee…” The tortured look was back. “…I kiss you more, I lose control.”
“Wow, you’re right, how could I not see it? I mean, you practically tortured that poor lasagna I force-fed you the other night. Dang fork almost didn’t make it. The plate… empty.” I sighed. “Poor plate.”
Phoenix threw his head back and laughed.
It was a beautiful sight.
My breath hitched in my chest.
So, this was the attraction… this man, right here, laughing, smiling, with teasing eyes and that damn dimple.
“We could…” My voice cracked. “…we could always read.”
“Read?” he repeated. “First you want to kiss. Now you want to read?”
“Well, I kind of wish you’d show me what all this sex fuss is about, but I’m pretty sure that pushing that particular button will get me stonewalled and tattled on to my brother.”
“I would never tattle.”
“You told him I broke my toenail.”
“You cried.”
“I was having a moment,” I argued. “Now, what will it be? You aren’t leaving me here alone, so either you kiss me, give into all those feelings you know you want to give into…. or you read me Twilight.”
Phoenix swore.
“Hey, I know which option holds more appeal to me.” I held up my hands. “Your choice.”
“I’ve just decided your major.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Extortion.”
“I am a Campisi.”
“Yes, because reminding me that you’re Tex’s little sister really wins you favor in this argument.”
I grinned and took another step toward him. “One more kiss?”
“And then what?” He swallowed, his eyes glazed over. “What then?”
“That’s just the thing, Phoenix.” I brushed my lips across his. “The world is ours.”
“You really believe that.” He pulled me closer, his grip tightening around my hips as his hard body aligned with mine. “That the world is ours?”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “I really do.”
“Did you mean it?”
“Mean what?”
“What you said at the warehouse.” His eyes were uncertain, darting back and forth, unfocused. “Did you mean it?”
“I meant it then.”
His grip tightened.
“And I mean it now.”
The smile was back.
And so was his mouth.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Balance is overrated.
Phoenix
I WAS HAVING A really difficult time trying to keep my body under control; it was like every single emotion concerning Bee came surging to the surface, making it physically impossible to pull away.
She really did taste like vanilla.
My new favorite flavor.
The problem with tasting something so sweet was it made you wonder, and I was wondering a lot. What did the rest of her taste like? And if given the chance to taste, should I take it? Or run and hide like a loser?
I was fighting a losing battle.
One I knew I wanted to lose, but at what cost?
Every time I told myself I needed to pull back, she’d make a little noise in the back of her throat, and I’d succumb to the draw she had… one more taste, one more bite. I hadn’t kissed a girl, really kissed her…
In years.
I’d stopped kissing them altogether.
Because it had been too personal.
It had been sweet when what I was doing was sinful.
So kissing her?
It was heaven, and I didn’t associate it with my past, but I knew, if it went beyond that, I could snap — I felt it in the way my body wanted dominance over her. I wanted to push her onto the bed — with force.
Aggression had always meant I was about to do something I couldn’t come back from, so how did I associate it with love?
I couldn’t.
I wasn’t sure there was even a way.
Bee’s hands slowly slid under my shirt. I let out a hoarse groan as she touched my stomach and then lifted my shirt over my head.
Reading. We should be reading.
And then her tank top was gone.
And I was staring at the most perfect breasts I’d ever seen in my entire life, barely restraining themselves behind a black lace bra.
“Shit,” I muttered, pulling back and wiping my face, but Bee reached for me again. Our bodies touched, skin to skin. It was searing — painful.
She was soft where I was hard.
Her stomach brushed against mine, her fingers dipped into my jeans. I should stop her.
But I didn’t want to.
I was being selfish, hoping that it was possible, what she’d said, loving me, being able to experience this moment.
When her fingers tried to unbutton my jeans, I gripped her hands. “No, Bee.”
“Don’t b
e bossy,” she murmured against my neck.
“It was always…” I pushed her away gently. “They were virgins… like you.”
“Okay.” She reached again.
“No, Bee, you don’t understand. I’m trying to tell you something here. I’m trying to scare you off, and if you keep reaching for my pants, that’s it, Bee, they’re all that’s protecting you from me taking you — all of you — and damning every single consequence or ramification.”
She smiled through swollen lips. “I get it. You always had to take control with them. It makes sense… but I’m not them, Phoenix. I’m me.”
I exhaled. “I know that.”
“Do you?” She reached for my jeans again and pulled me against her.
There was no hiding the evidence of my arousal, not even possible. I was surprised I hadn’t already spontaneously combusted and embarrassed myself.
“Because I think if you let someone else have control, you may be surprised.”
“Or I could kill you,” I said through clenched teeth. It was my last excuse, all I had left.
She let out a low chuckle. “Is that you’re way of telling me you don’t have the safety on your gun?” Her fingers grazed the front of my pants.
Holy shit.
I stumbled into her, pushing her onto the bed, tangling my hands into her hair as I twisted and pulled, my lips claiming every inch of skin along her neck and then craving more and more.
She pushed me down and straddled me.
It was a position I’d never been in before. Ever.
I didn’t like it.
I felt weak.
Powerless.
And then she took off her bra.
And I felt — everything.
The world opening up, my attraction to her, my undying love for the woman who was willing to risk it all — for me — for someone like me.
She leaned over, her hair falling across her face. “If you’re bored, we could always read.”
“Screw reading.” I gripped her face between my hands and kissed the hell out of her, my hands reaching for her perfect body, forgetting all the horror they’d done, all the things they’d experienced in this same position.
Funny, I thought sex would one day destroy me.
And yet… with Bee…with someone I loved?
I felt anything but destroyed.
Each kiss was like a broken piece getting found and put back together again; each touch was like being reborn.
“Bee…” I breathed against her neck, her skin cooling from my kiss. “…I love you.”
“Oh, so now you admit it when you’re all hot and bothered.”
I burst out laughing and pulled away her shorts. “Oh, I’m hot…” I cupped her ass and jerked her against me. “…but do I feel bothered? Even a little bit?”
“Using the word little right now does you a great disservice, Phoenix De Lange.”
I groaned when she rubbed against me.
“Now…” She pulled away. “…now will you take off your jeans? I want to see the gun.”
“Classy.”
“No time for class. Strip.”
“Bee—”
“Phoenix, you’re lucky I know you love me. Otherwise, I’d be really tired of all this rejection.”
“It’s not you. It’s me,” I said lamely, sitting up on my elbows.
With a saucy grin, she undid first the button… and then the zipper, the sound so damn erotic I cursed.
“You’re right.” She removed my pants. I wasn’t wearing boxers.
Another reason I had fought so damn hard to keep her away.
“It is you…” She licked her lips. “All you.”
I gripped her wrist to keep her from touching me. “Bee, think hard about this. Is this what you really want?”
She tilted her head. “I’ve wanted you ever since I saw you. I wanted you even when I knew it was a bad idea. I wanted you last night when I heard the screams, and I want you now. Any more questions?”
My chest heaved with emotion.
“No words? Not even bird? Remember, it’s your safe word, Mr. De Lange, in case things get too hard for you.”
“Things are beyond hard for me right now,” I growled.
“Good.” She winked. “You know if my brother finds out, he’ll kill you.”
I froze. “Did he put cameras in your room?”
“Well, since the door isn’t getting broken down, I’m going to say no.”
“Thank God.”
“Aw, so now you value your life.”
I placed her on top of me, exactly where I wanted her.
Bee’s eyes rolled to the back of her head.
“I have the sexiest woman alive, on top of me, naked. Of course, I value my life… because with you… it’s worth living.”
Tears pooled in her eyes. “Never thought I’d see the day you’d stop yelling at me and spout something so romantic.”
I gently tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s a day of firsts.”
She tensed.
With a smile, I gently pulled her down until I could taste her lips again. Her body shivered against mine. I kicked off what was remaining of my jeans and just focused on our skin, on the fact that I was with the woman I loved, and I was actually able to do the impossible.
Love her.
Dig my fingers into her hair and not see images of hate and brutality.
Kiss her lips, bruise them with pleasure not pain.
I sighed against her mouth, tucking her body into mine, allowing my love for her to take over the past.
“Bee…” I asked one more time. I had to. “…are you sure?”
“Yes.” Her voice was quiet but certain. “Yes, Phoenix, with you my answer will always be yes.”
I pulled her into my lap and moved into a sitting position so her legs were still wrapped around my waist. My fingers moved to her thighs, cautiously. Not wanting to scare her, I moved them across her smooth skin, the pads of my fingertips enjoying the sensation almost as much as the rest of my body.
“Phoenix…” Bee pulled back. “…stop hesitating.”
“Actually…” I choked down a laugh. “…I was lingering, not hesitating. Wanna know the difference?”
She licked her lips.
“Hesitating…” I licked my way from her neck to her mouth. “…means I’m having doubts about what I want to do.” My fingers worked their way closer to her core. “Lingering…” I moved further; she tensed. “…means I’m just debating on what to do first.”
“I’m confused.” She wiggled against my fingers as I moved them against her.
With a jerk, I had her positioned exactly where I needed her to be. “Then allow me to clarify.”
“Wha—” Her head fell back as I readied her body. “So good, Phoenix, don’t…”
I removed my hand. “Did you need to use my safe word, Bee?”
“Buzz.” She winked and reached for me.
“Nope.” I lifted her by the hips and slowly dragged her body down, impaling her on me. “You used the wrong word.”
I inched into her.
She fought me.
“Bee, I’m trying to go easy on you.”
Her eyes blinked open, and then she forced herself the rest of the way with a cry. “You were going too slow.”
I kissed her mouth and started to move. “You’re extremely demanding, you know that?”
“I’m a girl.” She sighed, her forehead touching mine. “You feel so good.”
Nobody had ever said that to me before.
I was literally having sex for the first time.
Real sex.
No ulterior motives.
No violence.
I moved her against me, feeling every part of her surround my body. We fit — perfectly.
“Phoenix—” She screamed my name — it was a good scream.
The world around us twisted then faded away, and all I saw were her eyes, her lips. All I felt was her body.
He
aven, after a lifetime of trying to climb out of hell.
“Let go, Bee,” I demanded.
“You first,” she said through clenched teeth, her mouth finding mine again.
Kissing her while our bodies were joined, there was no greater trust, no better feeling.
The minute her muscles tightened around me, I lost complete control, her fingers dug into my back.
And with a groan… I let go too. Of everything that had been trying to drag me down — and held on to the one thing keeping me afloat.
Bee Campisi.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Buzzkill of the century
Bee
I EXPECTED TO WAKE up in Phoenix’s arms; instead, he was pacing the floor, running his hands through his hair, looking about ready to rip it from his scalp.
“Um, good morning?” The sheet fell free from my body.
Phoenix looked up and let out a hoarse groan.
I smiled.
He took a step back and held up his hands. “We messed up. Actually, no, I messed up. Bee, I’m so sorry.”
Rejection slammed into me as I tucked the sheet around my body and looked down, willing the tears to stay put. “Um…”
“No, no.” Phoenix was at my side in an instant. “Not that, that wasn’t a mistake, being with you will never be a mistake, Bee.” He cupped my trembling chin. “Damn, you’re beautiful.” His kiss was tender. “Bee, come on, look at me.”
I lifted my head, gazing at him behind my eyelashes, just I case I needed to avert my eyes again and have a good cry.
Phoenix looked rested, so well rested it was almost strange. Gone were the dark circles, his skin had color; everything about him looked alive, better. It was as if his blood had decided to continue pumping through his body, rather than just up and giving in to death.
“I’m not…” He chewed his lower lip and mumbled a curse, his eyes glancing away from me. “I need to test you.”
“Test?” I repeated. “For what?”
“Bee…” His eyes filled with compassion, a completely foreign expression on someone so hard. “I think I’m okay. Last I was checked, I was fine, but I just… I lost control last night. We didn’t use a condom. I could never forgive myself if anything happened to you because of me. So please… just… don’t fight me on this, alright?”
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