by Casey Peeler
“Grandaddy, what do you need me to do?” He takes a step back and looks at me.
“Nothin’, I’m living my life to the fullest every day. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but if tomorrow doesn’t come, then I want to make sure I have nothing left to regret.”
“I’m here to help make that happen. What’s first?”
“Sunshine, nothing’s changing, but first thing tomorrow, I’m goin’ shoppin’!” He cackles.
“For what?” I’m also scared to know what he’s talking about.
“’Round the corner. I don’t want you have to worry about what I might want when I’m gone. So, I’m going to take care of it for ya.” Holy cow, he’s going funeral shopping! Are you kidding me?!
“Do you want me to go with ya?”
“Nah, Cole can. You need to go to school.”
“A’ight,” I say, and I’m truly unsure of how I feel about him shopping for his own funeral. It’s kind of morbid when you think about it.
Emmett
As Cole and I wait for Raegan and Mr. Lowery to finish their discussion, he looks at me.
“Did you know?” he questions. I shake my head yes. “How long?”
“’Bout a month,” I answer.
“You know she’s gonna go ballistic when she finds out.”
“Probably, but it’s not my story to tell. The only way I’m saying anything is if either Mr. Lowery or she tells me.”
“You do know if you keep it from her, she’s gonna be pissed when she finds out.”
“Yeah, like a damn tornado coming straight toward me.” And, that’s the only way to put it, because I know it will hurt her, but it’s a minor detail in the grand scheme of things.
Chapter 39
Raegan
“Does Cole know?” I ask Grandaddy.
“Yes, he knows things are changing, and so does Emmett.” Wait. What did he say? He knew and didn’t tell me? Oh, heck no!
“What do you mean Emmett knew?” My voice rises.
“Sunshine, calm down. I wanted to tell you, but I wanted you to live your life without worry. I also knew you would push Emmett away if I told you, and I will not let you do that again. He loves you. I need to know he’s in your life when I’m no longer here. That’s why he knows. Please, don’t be mad at him. If you’re gonna be upset with someone, be upset with me.”
Trying my best to choose my words carefully, I toss that thought out the window and let my lips move. “Mad? I’m freakin’ pissed! How could y’all? I love all of you! You kept this away from me for what? Me to have some fun? Seriously?!” I say as I storm out of the barn and toward the house. When I walk outside and see Cole and Emmett, they know I know, and Emmett tries to stop me. I begin to run toward the house when a voice in my head tells me to stop. I won’t do this, not again. Grandaddy deserves more than what I’m giving him right now.
Turning, I face Emmett and Cole and walk toward them, and they look like they are watching a ghost. “I’m pissed, but he’s what’s important right now, not either of you. I will not give in to what my head is telling me to do, but I also will not be lied to.” Guess that’s kinda funny since I’ve lied about Grandaddy for months before. I guess what comes around goes around. “Boys, I love you both, but that man over there, he’s my world. And, if this is the end of the road for him, y’all are gonna have to man up and do what needs to be done, no questions asked.”
Cole and Emmett look at each other. “Okay,” Emmett says, and Cole agrees. “So, that’s it, Rae? You’re not going to push me away?”
“No, but just remember, you’re not the focus right now. Grandaddy is.”
“I understand. What do we need to do?” Emmett replies.
“I have no idea. I guess we need to ask him.” With that, we all walk back toward the barn, and I run and hug Grandaddy and tell him I’m sorry for my behavior. He forgives me and understands why I got upset. We spend the next hour discussing what will happen over the next month or so. I’ve now learned what lymphoma is, how it affects the body, and what will happen to Grandaddy’s body. After supper, Cole and Emmett go home, and I make sure to let Emmett know my feelings for him haven’t changed.
As Monday begins a new week, it begins a new way of life for each of us. Emmett and I go to school while Cole and Grandaddy work on the farm. After school, we both hurry over to help out any way we can, and we repeat this routine each day. When the weekends arrive, I do most of the work. I even let Jordyn in on the secret. She cries forever when she learns the news, and then she gets pissed, because I kept all of it from her for so long. Eventually, she gets over it and begins to help on Saturdays. Of course, she brings Ridge along because she isn’t going to get too dirty. On Sundays, we attend church and relax.
Now, after about two weeks, things have begun to change. Grandaddy’s legs have swollen more, so walking has become tough. Getting in and out of the truck is damn near impossible. He isn’t willing to give up driving, but he knows he has to for everyone’s safety. I think that is actually worse than the cancer. Men and their pride, I will never understand. On Sunday, I drive us to church. I have to help him lift his legs into my truck, but we make it. Several people ask if everything is okay, and of course, Grandaddy brushes it off like it is no big deal. He won’t let people see him weak. He wants their memory of him to be one of honor and strength.
Sunday night, I begin to panic because I don’t want to leave him alone. Who needs school? I know Cole will be here, but he’s working. They both assure me that Cole won’t leave him alone. Plus, Grandaddy is still trying to work as much as he can tolerate, even though there is a major difference in the amount of work he is able to do.
Monday morning I get up, take care of my chores on the farm, and when I walk back into the house, I can’t help but smile as I see Grandaddy cooking our breakfast just like he would do any other day, except this morning he is using a cane to balance.
“I’m gonna go change real quick. Are you good?” I ask.
“Lordy, I’m fine! Just hurry before you’re late for school.” I laugh on my way up the stairs. I shower, dress, and make my way back downstairs. That’s when I hear the sounds of pots and pans hitting the wooden floor, or at least that’s what I think I hear. I drop my backpack and run downstairs to discover Grandaddy on the floor.
“Oh my gosh! Are you okay?” I say as I kneel next to him.
“I’m fine. It’s just these damn legs. They don’t want to work anymore.” When I look down, I see his ankles bulging over his shoes, and it hurts my heart to know he’s suffering. He insists I go on to school. Once Cole arrives, he walks me to the truck.
“Rae, we might have to call someone in to help if he gets worse.” I shake my head no.
“I’ll stay home if I need to,” I tell him.
“Oh, yeah, that’s gonna fly with him.”
“I know he won’t let me, but I will not stay at school worrying.” Cole and I bicker back and forth for a few minutes before Grandaddy walks out on the porch and hollers for me to go on. I run back to the porch and hug him before going to school.
Emmett
As I’m waiting on Raegan in the parking lot, my phone rings, and it’s Cole.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“Listen, Uncle Dover fell this mornin’. He made Rae go to school, but I have a feeling things are about to go downhill fast. Just be ready, because she’s going to need you.”
“Has he been back to the doctor?”
“Actually, Dr. Charles is coming here today. He didn’t tell Rae, but they are calling in Hospice.” How am I going to keep this from her? Just as I begin to question what I am going to do, I see her pulling into the parking lot.
“Okay, well, she just pulled up. Keep me posted. I’ll help out any way I can.” We hang up, and I hurry to meet her. I open my arms to embrace her, and she stops.
“You’ve talked to Cole. Haven’t you, Em?”
“Yup, what can I do?” I ask.
“Just be there. I ha
ve a feelin’ my life is ’bout to change.”
“I believe you’re right, and I’m not leavin’ your side.” I don’t tell her what Cole told me, but I let her know I’m here for her no matter what.
Chapter 40
Raegan
After school, Emmett follows me to the house along with Jordyn. I’m not sure why she insisted on coming, but whatever. As soon as I walk inside, I now know. This is the end for Grandaddy. I see him in his recliner with a cup of ice water on the side table.
“Hey, Sunshine. Tell me ’bout your day.”
“Ah, ya know, same old stuff just a different day. How ’bout you tell me ’bout yours?”
Cole is sitting on the couch. “Come on, y’all. Let’s give them a minute,” he says to Jordyn and Emmett.
“Sunshine, Dr. Charles came to visit me today. They are calling in Hospice.” I shake my head to let him know I understand as tears stream from my eyes.
“How long?” I whisper.
“They don’t know. I just want to have everything in place for when it gets bad.”
“Okay, what do I need to do?” I question.
“Nothin’, you do enough already. I couldn’t ask for a better girl than you. I’ve been blessed to be your grandaddy, and I’ve lived a great life. I do hate that I’m gonna miss you graduating and your wedding, but I’ll be looking down from above with your mama, daddy, and mawmaw.”
“How do you know you won’t make it that long?” I cry.
“I don’t, but I want you to be prepared.” I nod. “Come here.” I hug him and don’t let go, because I don’t know how many more hugs I’m going to be granted with this man. I just don’t know how I’ll survive my future without him, and then I look up to see Cole, Jordyn, and Emmett. I now know how I will survive. I will survive because I have people that love me.
As I stand, they all embrace me in a hug. “We aren’t going anywhere, Rae. We love you both too much,” Jordyn says as we all cry in each other’s arms. Grandaddy chimes in.
“Quit all that cryin’. I ain’t dead yet!” I laugh as I wipe the salty tears from my face. “And, there better not be any cryin’ when I’m gone either. Y’all understand that?” he says as he looks at us.
“Yes, sir,” Cole and Emmett say.
“I’m not making a promise I can’t keep,” Jordyn replies, and I agree with her.
When Grandaddy is tired of us crying and moping, he turns on the TV to any game he can find. That makes me realize he’s probably never gonna get to see the Braves play live, and it breaks my heart. That’s one promise I’ll keep for him. We’re going to that game.
Emmett
Watching Mr. Lowery tell Raegan breaks my heart. I want to hold them both in my arms and tell them it will be okay, but we all know that it will not be. All I can do is be there for her. Jordyn heads home, and Raegan excuses herself for a few minutes.
In these few minutes, Mr. Lowery wastes no time. He tells us exactly how he expects her future to go, what roles Cole and I will play, and what he has planned for her after he passes. It amazes me that a man who is in his final days can still have a positive outlook on life, but I also know he wants the best for his Sunshine. No matter what I have to do, I’m going to make sure his Sunshine gets everything he ever wished for her.
Chapter 41
Raegan
I’m not really sure why I leave them alone, but I do. I almost feel like Grandaddy wants to talk to them about me or maybe them. I don’t know, but all I know is I go to my room, grab that bunny and pray like I never have before. I pray that God won’t let Grandaddy suffer, that He will take him before that happens, and that he knows I’ll be okay. As tears stream down my face, I hear that all too familiar voice of my mama, as well as her touch on my skin. In that moment, she whispers into my ear it is going to be okay, and by being his Sunshine, I’ll continue to shine brightly for the entire world to see. Then, as quickly as she came, she is gone. I dry my tears, touch up my makeup, and head back downstairs to see Emmett, Cole, and Grandaddy yelling at the TV as the official makes some lame call, and I know in my heart, this life is good no matter what it might throw my way.
Cole and Emmett eat supper with us and then go home. Things begin to change after supper, though. I have to help Grandaddy remove his shoes because his feet are swollen so much, and then I have to walk with him for stability to the restroom. Honestly, it is for me to make sure he is okay. By Tuesday morning, I know his days are numbered. Grandaddy insists I go to school, but my mind can’t focus. On Thursday, I see the guidance counselor and inform her of Grandaddy’s situation. I know confidentiality is big in her department; therefore, I feel comfortable talking to her. Of course, she offers all types of counseling, but I’m not interested.
Each day is the same routine for me. I get up, check on Grandaddy, check on the farm, and then help him slide on his shoes, until today. They won’t fit, and I see the defeat in his eyes. “Get my slippers,” he says. I do as he says and make my way to school.
Our weekend is spent with Grandaddy, and he’s doing a lot of resting at this point. He’s still stubborn as a mule and independent, but I know the time is approaching. On Thursday, my fears become my reality when he begins to slip further and further away. I don’t go to school and neither does Emmett. He and Cole are right beside me.
After breakfast, Grandaddy asks for us to call the nurse, and I know things must be bad. When Christie arrives, we smile. She’s as sweet as sugar, and Grandaddy loves her. For the longest time, when she’d come to check on him, he’d try to push her out the door so she could visit all the people worse than him.
“Rae, how is he?” she asks me.
“Not good,” I say as a sob escapes. “But, he’s still acting like nothing is wrong with him.” She laughs and makes her way to check on him. When she finishes, she comes back out and gives me the information I knew was coming.
“It could be anytime now. I’ll be back later today to check on him.”
“Thank you for everything,” I say in appreciation.
Once I go back to check on him, I see his breath is becoming more labored. I know I will not go to school tomorrow because he is more important, no matter what he tells me.
We have a rough night. Cole stays with me, and we take turns staying up while Grandaddy sleeps. Hank hasn’t left Grandaddy’s side since he permanently moved to his bedroom, and he knows that something is going on.
As the sun rises, Grandaddy begins to mumble something about fishing, and I try not to giggle. Then, the reality sets in that this is the end. “Grandaddy, I’m here,” I say as I take his hand.
When he wakes up, he looks at me. “I’m so tired, Sunshine. I’m so tired. Why won’t the good Lord take me home?” he says.
I have no idea what to say, and then out of thin air, the words roll off my tongue. “Grandaddy, maybe there’s a line to get in today, and God wants you to stay with me here so you don’t have to stand and wait.”
A smile escapes his lips. “Maybe you’re right, Sunshine, but, oh, I’m so tired.” He begins to cough, and I call for Cole. He runs into the room.
“Go call Christie,” he tells me. I race to call her, but as I do, I begin to break as I lose my Sunshine. He’s always been the light in my life. What am I going to do without him?
“Christie, we need you,” I manage to say.
“I’m on my way,” she responds as the phone disconnects.
After hanging up the phone, I rush back to Grandaddy’s side. Cole and I talk to him like it’s a normal day. He gets out of bed to use the restroom and even posts himself on the edge of the bed as we wait for Christie.
Within twenty minutes, there is a knock on the door. “Mornin,’ Mr. Lowery. How are we doin’ today?” she asks as she moves to take a seat beside him on the bed.
He looks at her. “I could be better, I guess.” Then, he laughs, and we all laugh. Even when the light is dim, he continues to be positive.
After Christie assesses the situation, sh
e goes to the refrigerator. “Mr. Lowery, I’m gonna give you some medicine to make you comfortable. Just enough to help you rest a little.” He looks at me, and I nod my head. She proceeds to give him a dose of morphine. Seeing him take that medicine, I know it’s needed, and within twenty minutes, he is resting peacefully.
I take a step out into the hallway toward the kitchen to see Christie waiting. “I thought you had left?” I ask.
“No, Rae, I just wanted to make sure he got to sleep. How are you?”
“Hard to believe, but right now, I’m okay. As much as it hurts to lose him, I don’t want him to suffer. I know it could be worse, but my heart can’t take it,” I say as I sit at the kitchen table with her.
“I understand. I want you to know I’m here if you ever need me, even after all of this is over,” she says as she takes my hands in hers. “That grandaddy of yours is special. I’ve never met anyone like him. It’s always been more about conversation and friendship than being his nurse. He wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“I know. I was worried in the beginning, because he doesn’t let anyone know his business, but you came in, and he was okay with it. I’m glad you are who was sent to us.”
“Me, too,” she replies. “I’m going to make a few more calls. If you need me, call me. I will check back in later today.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I say, walking her to the door before going back to Grandaddy’s side. “Cole, you can go home for a while if you want, or go check on the farm. Don’t feel like you have to stay here all day,” I state.
