by Petra Landon
“I’m sorry, Zoran” she apologized shamefacedly. “Please forgive me.” Contrition and regret shimmered through the unshed tears in her eyes. “You have never treated me with anything less than respect or consideration.”
His eyes continued to look stormy, his expression furious with an underlying hurt.
“Then why did you say what you did?” he demanded angrily.
“I …” she hesitated, trying to articulate her complicated feelings. “You’ve done so much for me - I feel indebted to you. I can never pay you back for what you’ve done for me.”
“Have I ever asked for any payment?” he snarled back.
“No” she said pleadingly. “But in some respects, it would be easier if you did.”
The black eyes searched her contrite and forlorn expression, his own thunderous.
“Has it occurred to you that I might want to do things for you? Spoil you a little?” he bit out a tad less angrily after a short pause.
“You do?” she asked uncertainly.
“Yes, it gives me pleasure” he stated flatly, with a furious expression on his face.
“Oh” was all that Saakshi could muster in response.
Already drowning in a welter of confused emotions, Saakshi was left speechless by his brusquely stated words. Sudden and unexpected warmth coursed through her, managing to pierce through the fog of despondency and dejection that gripped her. It managed to lessen a little of her despair at messing up the fledgling affinity between them.
“Look, I’ve had it for years - I’ve never known anyone that I cared to gift this to” he continued stormily. “I know that all you own is your Trader Pik’s uniform. Since you now have more free time to spend as you wish, I thought this might be nice to wear instead of your uniform when you don’t intend to inadvertently advertise Pik’s.”
Silenced by his words, she stared back at him, feeling the prick of tears well up in her eyes again. Saakshi fought the tears as she wondered how to tell Zoran what she thought of him – this big warrior who had been nothing but gentle, generous and kind to her.
Zoran watched her, his expression thunderous while he fought to hold his emotions in check.
“You should also know that I bribed Pik to give you the shorter shift” he declared, his voice very even. “I didn’t like seeing you work that hard. And I wanted you to spend more time with me.”
Saakshi gasped with astonishment, flabbergasted by the revelation. Suddenly, some of Pik’s more cryptic comments to her, and even Jolar’s unexpected knowledge about her new shift schedule made sense.
His face wore a carefully blank expression, but his eyes dared her to throw this gift back in his face too like his previous one.
“I … don’t kn … I … thank you” she stammered, this time with heartfelt gratitude, wanting him to be left in no doubt about how much this gift had meant to her.
At her words, the black eyes softened just a tad, though he still looked tense with that blankly furious expression.
“It’s just that we made a deal and … and you keep doing such nice things for me” she almost wailed.
Zoran’s expression tightened as regret, chagrin, guilt and another, stronger, emotion flashed across his face in quick succession.
“I never agreed to that unholy bargain in the first place. You made me furious and I lost my head” he admitted agitatedly, raking his hands through his hair in frustration.
“What?” Saakshi squeaked in sheer astonishment.
“I would’ve taken care of the Ketaari for you, without expecting anything in return” he said, a little more calmly. “I tried to tell you that the first time we met, but you didn’t understand. And I left because I didn’t trust myself around you. It made me furious that you thought I was the kind of male who’d take advantage of you in those circumstances.”
“But …” Saakshi stammered incoherently, this new revelation causing a jumble of emotions to war in her - the primary ones being consternation, shock and confusion.
“That first night after you fought Ghesh, I just wanted to talk to you” he explained slowly. “To reassure you that I would take care of Ghesh for you. I brought you to my chamber to get us some privacy. I never expected you to be my lover but then things got out of hand. You offered, even though I could see how nervous and scared you were at the prospect. And something snapped in me! I thought I’d kiss you and maybe get you naked before you came to your senses and put a stop to it. But you never did, and I lost my head and took what I’ve wanted since the day I walked into Pik’s and saw you. So, we became lovers.”
Saakshi sank heavily on to the bed, her legs incapable of supporting her after his candid words. Her eyes wandered blankly over the offending dress beside her that had precipitated this.
“You and me” Zoran spoke softly, drawing her eyes back to him. “This” he gestured with his hand between them, “has never been about any bargain or deal for me. I’ve tried to demonstrate that to you in every way I can” he confessed quietly, his eyes staring back at her with a mixture of need, vulnerability and something else she couldn’t read.
Saakshi could only stare at him mutely, reeling from the many revelations of the past few minutes. He strode towards her, the expression in the depths of the black eyes holding her captive, to come to a stop. It was clear he did not intend to come any closer. In a daze, Saakshi stood up to move towards him, instinctively understanding that she had rejected him, however inadvertently. And Zoran would never push her or ask for anything she was not ready to give. With him, it would always be about her.
He watched her walk to him, holding himself still, the black eyes stark and vulnerable. Saakshi reached for him and the gesture seemed to jolt him out of his immobility. His hands clasped her upper arms, though he was careful to keep his distance from the pale bruise on her arm.
“I cannot bear to be the male you f--k to keep the Ketaari off your back” he said hoarsely. “I will keep the whole world at bay for you, if you say the word. Just come to me because you want me.”
Saakshi stared at the big male, who gazed back at her with dark eyes seeped in hurt. The expression in his dark eyes felt like a knife to her heart, the pain so intense that for one mad moment, Saakshi felt as if she would never breathe again.
“I want you” she confessed softly in a voice meant only for him, a note in it she had never used for anyone before. “Zoran” she reached for him, intent on assuring her mercenary of how unequivocally his feelings were reciprocated.
He clasped her hand to bring it to his lips. “Tseriya” he sighed softly, his anger spent.
“I want you so much that it has been tearing me up inside, Zoran.” Her voice was soft and low, a mix of shyness, tenderness, yearning and joy at finally being able to reveal her feelings to him interspersed with black despair at the futility of any kind of future between them.
The black eyes shot to her, the hurt in their depths lessened by her soft confession.
“Why should this tear you up inside, tseriya?” he asked her, a tender note in his voice. “I’ve wanted you from the moment I saw you. Did I not make a complete fool of myself, uncaring of who knew how I felt about you? The entire station has watched me moon over you.”
A tremulous smile trembled on Saakshi’s lips. “I, for one, am glad you mooned over me, Zoran. Otherwise, Pik might never have advised me to go to you for assistance.”
His expression sobered. “That day at Pik’s, when I demanded you fill my empty mug to get you away from him, I did it because you were terrified of him. I’d been watching you for months and I’d never seen you react to anyone like that before. Until him. So, I asked Jolar to dig into all the Ketaari on the station and find out if anyone had a connection to you. But before we could make the connection, you came to me.”
Even after all the revelations that had come before, Saakshi looked shocked by his words.
“I was going to make sure the Ketaari stayed away from you, tseriya” he reiterated softly, his eyes meet
ing hers. “I will never let anything happen to you.”
“Zoran” she said helplessly. This time, it was her eyes that were stark.
“Shh” he said, using his index finger to stop her with a caress on her lips. “That is old history. I’m glad that you came to me.”
“Sometimes, when I watched you at Pik’s, you looked so tired that I thought you’d fall asleep on your feet” he continued. “I wanted to throttle Pik for working you that hard. But you always had a smile for everyone. Until him.”
“Pik’s not a bad employer” Saakshi pointed out softly.
“No, he’s not” Zoran sighed. “That’s why I didn’t kick his ass.”
He stepped back from her, his eyes holding her captive. “Will you come to me, tseriya?” Entreaty, hope, promise and demand threaded though the simple request. “Be with me because you want me. I will take care of everything else.”
The dark eyes were fierce, awash in emotions that hurt Saakshi’s very soul. Her heart felt like it was being torn apart, and she wondered whether she would ever feel whole again. She closed her eyes, the nub of despair at the pit of her stomach had grown steadily to overcome the warmth and joy his stark confession had flowered in her.
“I want to” she told him, stoic till the end. There was to be no bitterness or rancor at being shown a glimpse of hope and a love so wondrous, only for it to be snatched away by the cruelty of fate. Life had not thrown Saakshi many lifelines in her young life, and she had long come to terms with it. Not that this didn’t feel to her like drowning slowly while knives plunged into her from all sides. Saakshi knew that losing Zoran was going to tear her up in ways that she might never be able to recover from.
Her lips twisted wryly. “I want to so much, Zoran. But it cannot be.” This time there were no tears in her eyes, when before, the idea of having hurt him, even inadvertently, had brought a flood of them to the surface.
But this time, Zoran seemed to instinctively understand how much she hurt from having to deny him this.
“Why not?” he demanded, his eyes watching her closely.
“Because I am Budheya. I wear an ownership bracelet and I’m a Ketaari prisoner,” she said quietly, holding his gaze. “And you’re a Hadari’Kor mercenary whose home is his warship and who spends his life fighting battles he considers too dangerous to involve loved ones in.”
Zoran studied her intently for a long moment, his expression impassive, before he spoke again.
“What if circumstances had been different? What if we were just two people who’d met on a space station – just Saakshi and Zoran.” This time, Saakshi could hear and finally recognize the note of yearning in his voice.
“If I could, I’d follow you to the ends of hell and back, Zoran.” There was no hesitation in her. For just a moment, her lips quivered, before she fought herself back under control.
His eyes softened noticeably at her reply, the anger slowly draining away.
“If you were mine, tseriya, what would I need heaven and hell for?” The words were low, a curious mix of tenderness, laughter and possessiveness in the depth of the black eyes that skimmed her face like a caress.
For a long moment, they stared at one another. Two people drawn to each other across a vast divide created by war, history, circumstances and prospects. The memories rushed through Saakshi in a dizzying spell - the early months of trying to find her feet at Pik’s while hooded black eyes watched her; the sense of excitement, curiosity, temptation and fascination that an alien male’s hot gaze had generated in her, tempered by concern about his intentions; the desperation and fear as she offered him the proposition that Pik’s suggestion had made her clutch like the last lifeline of a drowning person; that first night in his chamber when they had become lovers. Saakshi had merely been trying to survive – this station, her imprisonment, her circumstances and the Unta-Golar. She had never imagined that one day, her feelings for this big mercenary would bring her to her knees. His loss would emotionally wrench her heart out, when all this while she had been preoccupied with survival of her physical self. How had she missed watching out for her heart? And how would she survive losing Zoran, she wondered in despair.
Pura Bedana, what have I done?
The dark eyes watching her flared, a light in them that helped paper over some of the bruises on her heart.
“If that is what stops you from being mine, tseriya, then we’ll just have to change your circumstances” Zoran said softly to her, his words like a vow.
There was no wavering in him, just utter confidence and sheer self-belief that he could move mountains to challenge fate and destiny herself to transform the prospects of a Budheya prisoner of the Imperial Forces, in a slice of space where the Empire was deadlocked in a bloody war against the Alliance, with neither side on a clear path to victory, and her world considered the crown jewel in the Empire’s greedy ambitions for domination of Quadrant Five.
He leaned forward to give her a gentle kiss, a promise in its very sweetness.
“Remember that, tseriya” he pledged, deadly sober. “A time will come when you’ll be free to make a choice, and I will ask you again.”
Saakshi said nothing, her heart too full and too broken and her soul too battered to attempt a response right then. He seemed to understand, for he said nothing more.
Instead, Zoran held out his hand to her.
“Promise me this. No more talk of our bargain or how much I do for you. Alright?” This time, he made it clear that he needed a response from her.
Saakshi nodded mutely as she placed her hand in his, allowing him to pull her into an embrace. Despite the melancholy in her soul, she could acknowledge with wonder that her perception of their relationship had fundamentally changed. Looking back, Saakshi could now see how he’d always wooed her. It was she who had been afraid to reach for what she’d desired so desperately from that first night when he had saved her from the Unta-Golar. After a lifetime spent scrabbling for survival, she'd been too scared, too skeptical and too unsure to grab at her chance of happiness when life had finally thrown it at her.
That night, he held her close to break the news that he would be gone for a few days. Saakshi, aglow from the knowledge that he had never considered their relationship a tit-for-tat bargain, took the news in stride.
“The last time I was gone from the station was to rendezvous with my brother’s ship. That’s why it took me longer to get back here. My brother has more influence within the Alliance than I do. And I need that influence now. The only way to keep you safe from the Ketaari Empire is to throw the mantle of the Alliance over you. I’ve a plan to do just that, and if it succeeds, it’ll also provide the Budheya rebels some teeth in their fight against the Empire. But for it to have any chance of success, I need the Alliance to buy into it first” he informed her as she lay cradled in his arms.
Saakshi’s eyes snapped to him, shocked, bemused and awed by what he hinted at. Protecting her from the long arm of the Empire would be a tricky proposition to begin with. And even in her wildest dreams, she had never imagined that his plans would include aiding her people in their struggle against a powerful and better-armed oppressor.
The dark eyes tangled with her, the hint of indefinable emotion in their depths holding her captive.
“My brother sent word today” he explained. “He has arranged a meeting with the Alliance. I’ve also received responses from some of communiques I’ve been sending out to other Hadari’Kor mercs, both individuals and groups, to gauge if there’s an interest in joining this venture with me. I plan to meet with them on my way to the conference with the Alliance.”
Though he talked in vague terms, Saakshi understood that there was more to his plans than Zoran was letting on. Any venture that engaged the Alliance and independent Hadari'Kor mercenaries would involve an incredible amount of hard work and patience, long drawn-out negotiations and serious influence with all concerned parties.
“If everything works out, we’ll need your assistance wit
h the rebels on Budheyasta. You’re one of them. They might be more amenable to talk to us if you vouched for me. You will, will you not, Saakshi? Vouch for me, that is.” There was a gentle note in his voice and a smile on his face as he asked her the question.
Saakshi nodded solemnly. Not just the Alliance and Hadari’Kor mercenaries, Zoran’s plans also encompassed the rebels on her home world. The scale of it took her breath away. Many factors and factions would need to be aligned before such an ambitious plan could even be put into motion. Though she understood that instinctively, it somehow seemed academic to her. Saakshi knew that if anyone could plan and succeed in such a drastic challenge to the Empire, it would be her Hadari’Kor warrior.
“I’m leaving Jolar behind on Keeyor 9. Make sure you stay in Pik’s when he’s not there to escort you. Alright, tseriya?”
She wanted to protest that he needed Jolar by his side on this undertaking, but knew he wouldn’t give in to her over this.
“Yes” she acknowledged. “Please be very careful.”
“I will” he said jauntily, with the imperturbable and quiet self-confidence that had drawn her attention since the first time he had walked into Pik’s.
From the very beginning at Pik’s, she had always gone with her gut when it came to this big Hadari'Kor mercenary. His singular attention at Pik’s had never alarmed her, because she had instinctively sensed that he meant her no harm. And her instinct had been proven correct. That very instinct had encouraged her to fork up the courage to approach him for assistance, and he had not let her down. In her heart, Saakshi had always known that without this inexplicable but deep-seated belief that Zoran would never harm her, she would never have acted on Pik’s suggestion. He had never let her down yet. So, when Zoran told her, a promise threaded through his words, that there would come a time when her circumstances would be different, wild hope surged in Saakshi, despite her best intentions. She knew not how her circumstances could be different in the future. Yet, she implicitly trusted that Zoran would keep his pledge. Saakshi, intimately acquainted with the daily struggle threaded with grim determination to survive one day at a time without ever daring to hope for a future, slept that night in her mercenary’s arms with a contentment born of hope. Zoran’s revelations about his perception of their relationship and his plans for a future together had unfurled a thread of hope in her after a very long time.
