by Garcia, Amy
“Hmmm, I want to sit on the dock of the lake with him, just be outside breathing unfiltered air, listening to the water lap against the rocks and hold his hand.”
“So romantic.” Gabby smiles.
“I just want normal ya know? I’d like to experience life without all the drama, just Evan and I.”
Simone snorts “Well I don’t think life with Evan will ever be normal, calmer maybe but there’s nothing normal about him.”
“You never know…” I say, but I do know, he’s right. Not one minute of my life has been the same since meeting Evan. I will never again be that woman who was afraid of life, who kept her love locked away deep inside, hiding it, sheltering it from anyone who could hurt me again. Taking risks was never my thing but now that seems to be all I do, one after another Evan has pushed me to be brave and open but most importantly trusting. I trust him with my most prized possession, my heart, but I also trust him with my body and my soul, my spirit, and my essence. The me I used to be has been forever changed into who I am today and I adore him for helping me to change.
He makes me strong and weak at the same time; I am powerful and powerless simultaneously. Our devotion is equal, I give he takes, he takes I give, the way it’s supposed to be. If Evan wakes up a monster I’ll do whatever it takes to find the good in him and lure it out, I will not believe that good can be removed from a brain with a laser or scalpel.
While Isaac and Simone sit with Evan, Gabriella and I take a short stroll in the hall. “Come outside with me, just for a minute, Mia, he’s not alone, and you’ve got to be going mad cooped up in here.”
She grabs my hand before I can open my mouth to protest and pulls me toward the elevator. We’re inside and moving down to the main floor and my tummy violently drops, not from the elevator but the distance she’s putting between Evan and I.
“Don’t look so panicked! Just stand outside for five minutes and back up we go, no big deal.” I roll my eyes and let her drag me outside. It’s chilly without a coat but God she was right, I needed to see a tree, feel the breeze swirl the tendrils of hair that have escaped my braid and the sun saturating my skin with warmth.
“Mmmm, it smells so good out here.” I hug my arms around my waist and close my eyes, tilting my face toward the source of all heat for the earth. I wonder how something so far away can provide an entire planet with enough warmth to survive. It’s a miracle, just like Evan falling into my life, just like his surgery going so well. Now for just one more please God and I’ll never ask for another again, I promise! Let Evan wake up and know me, remember only good things about his life with no signs of his evil half remaining.
“Told ya, when are you going to start listening to your sister?” The corner of my lip rises in a smirk. Yea, I guess I hadn’t thought about it, but we are legally sisters now. The sound of Gabriella’s phone jingles from her back pocket and my body stiffens, we’ve only been gone five minutes, there couldn’t possibly be a change in Evan’s condition in that time…could there be? She slides her perfectly manicured hand to her backside to retrieve the phone answering it on the second ring.
“Simone? What’s going on?” Simone! He wouldn’t call unless it were important, he knows we were coming right back. I don’t even wait to hear what she’s about to relay to me, I turn and run. Thank God for all the practice walking in heels because running in them is exponentially more difficult. I hear Gabby yelling my name like she’s at the end of a tunnel. No time for elevators I find the stairwell and throw the door open sprinting up the steep stairs, my calves burning, heart pounding, I shouldn’t have left him, I knew it!
Damn damn damn. I begin to break out in a sweat as I near the ICU’s floor, the thick material of my sweater dress sticking to my skin, gasping for air that I can’t get into my lungs fast enough, fuck I’m out of shape! I burst through the door, and a group of nurses gathered at the nurses’ station all jump when it hits the wall.
“Sorry!” I puff as I run by; I don’t know how to say sorry in Italian, I haven’t learned a word of it being here, I suck with foreign languages. As much as I have pep talked myself about crying and fainting I feel both sensations coming on. Tears spring to my eyes and the ringing in my ears are both really pissing me off! No! Don’t be weak! I skid to a stop grabbing both sides of the door jamb of Evan’s room and gasp for breath.
Isaac and Simone turn to look at me with surprise, Simone still holds the phone to his ear talking with Gabriella. I’m only allowed a fraction of a second before I feel familiar shocking green and lavender ringed eyes on me, the magnetic pull between us so strong I actually feel my body being reeled in like a fish on a hook, helpless to escape.
He's awake, oh God he’s awake. Heat spreads from my heart throughout my body creeping up my neck the flush burns when it reaches my cheeks and now I’m panting but not from my run to his room. It’s the anticipation overwhelming me, does he know me? Is he my Evan? Is this the beast? What does he remember? The questions roll around my mind, over and over, crashing into each other until my head hurts and then I see it. Recognition, life, sparkle in those eyes I find irresistible, my Evans's eyes, it’s the same leer he slapped on me when he came out of his coma in my ICU in Seattle. The same way he looked at me when he woke up screaming my name until I arrived, only calming when he had me within his reach. He’s not yelling this time; he has family with him, he’s not alone, but this doesn’t make me feel any better about not being at his side the moment he returned.
“I never left you,” I say as I approach, the guys move away giving us space.
“I…know,.” he says slowly, purposely, carefully as if he’s searching for the words and plucking them from a shelf to string them together. He reaches for me, and I take his hand in both of mine kissing his knuckles my hot tears splashing onto his skin, but he doesn’t smile or blink. His jaw tightens, and his pulse accelerates as he parts his lips and closes them.
I wait for him to say something else but he doesn’t, he just looks at me with building frustration and I realize he’s having trouble with speech, a typical side effect after brain surgery.
“Are you having trouble finding words?” I cup my hand on his jaw and his eyes say all I need to know, they glaze over, and tears threaten to fall, but he reins them in blinking away the extra moisture. “It’s going to be ok, baby, this is common, you just need to relax and the words will come back.”
I lean in to kiss the cheek still cupped in my hand, and he pulls me gently closer until our lips brush lightly. My tummy flutters and the world is all set straight, aligned and in focus. I have him; he knows me, and he loves me still.
He won’t let me go, as in I’ve been held against his chest with his fingers tangled in my braid for twenty minutes in silence. His breathing has leveled off, blood pressure and pulse are down, and I feel the contentment radiating off of him like the warmth of the powerful sun. I’ve propped my hip on the edge of the bed, I’ll stay here for as long as he needs me to, until he knows it’s all real, until he knows it’s all over. Gabriella returned a minute or two after I did, he glanced at her, nodded I think but went right back to fussing with my hair.
“Honey, the doctor, is here, he needs to see you for a minute. Can you let her up?” Gabby asks him, I pull away just an inch and his arms tighten, not enough to keep me in place, he’s still weak, but the message is loud and clear, no he will not let me up.
I can hear the surgeon behind me shuffling around, probably uncomfortable enough having to look at Evan but now he thinks he’s dealing with a clingy wife.
“Evan.” I pull away and move until we are nose to nose. “Just for a minute, he needs to do an assessment, I swear I’m not going anywhere, I’ll hold your hand.”
Something I’ve never seen ripples through his eyes, panic. “Shush…it’s all right, just for a second I promise.”
When I move to sit his eyes shift to the doctor and instant relief replaces the panic. David. He thought it would be David. So
much can be said with only our eyes, he doesn’t need to speak for me to know what he’s thinking. This must be how he reads me so well; he always knows what I’m thinking without a word passed between us. His grip loosens, but he’s not letting go completely.
I glance back at the group; Gabriella is sniffing dabbing her eyes with a tissue; Simone has his arm around her shoulders beaming a broad, genuine smile that touches his eyes. And Isaac leans with his back against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest expressionless. I’m not able to examine his frame of mind because Evan’s grip tightens bringing me back to him. The doctor runs through several steps of a neuro exam, speaking to Evan in Italian and I wonder if that’s the best idea, shouldn’t he speak English? He is from Italy though, born and raised until he was a teenager; Italian truly is his native language. He suddenly switches to English with a thick accent.
“Everything seems to be going fine, Mr. Lawson. Are you able to speak yet?”
“Yes.”
“Are you in pain?”
“Yes.” This disturbs me; I don’t like the idea of him having been in pain all this time and unable to communicate that with us.
“We can give you a higher dose of medication for the pain.” Evan has been doing well with the one-word answers until now, but he pauses before finally answering no.
“Evan, you don’t need to be in pain, please let them help you.” His eyes move to me.
“No.” he answers again.
“Mrs. Lawson, if I may…we can wait a little while, if his blood pressure goes up I’ll have to insist though. Things are progressing so well I don’t want any increased pressure on the brain.”
I still don’t know this physician's name and I scan his white coat for a badge, but I can’t see it.”
“Yes, I understand Dr…?”
“Carmichael, I’m sorry I haven’t introduced myself properly.”
“It’s ok, so, Dr. Carmichael, as I was saying, I understand, I’m an ICU nurse in the States but isn’t allowing his pain level to get out of control a risk in and of itself?”
“Yes, I don’t expect it will go that far though. You will tell the nurse won’t you, Mr. Lawson?” I interrupt before he can answer.
“No, no he won’t tell you. He’s stubborn and proud, and he will let it go until it’s unbearable.” My hand is now being crushed, his brow furrowed deeply, jaw ticking.
“Don’t,” he pushes the word out with effort.
“No Evan, I know you and you’ll wait too long. Let them up your dose until tomorrow at least…please.” Dr. Carmichael is looking at me like an escapee from an insane asylum; clearly he doesn’t think I should be arguing with the infamous Mr. Lawson. Evan closes his eyes, squeezing them tight.
“Ok.”
I sigh in relief, thank God! He continues to keep his eyes closed; he’s done with this conversation, and this is his way of communicating that.
“Thank you, Dr. Carmichael; will we see you in the morning?”
“Yes, I’m sleeping here tonight and I will return for rounds at 7 a.m.” I reach across the bed with my free hand and shake his hand and give a curt polite smile before he exits. Evan’s eyes are still closed, but his grip is tight. When I look up to follow his movements out the door, I’m again distracted by Isaac’s expression, and I look at him with question frowning and tilting my head to the side. He ever so slightly shakes himself from his thoughts when he catches my eye.
He quietly comes to stand by me, placing his hand on the small of my back and looking down at Evan whose eyes snap open as soon as Isaac’s hand has connected with my back. He looks menacing, he can’t see Isaac’s hand touching me, but he feels a disturbance in our force field. These gestures between Isaac and I have become so natural that it takes me a moment to figure out what is going on. Not Isaac though, he realizes his lapse in judgment and removes his hand at once. This isn’t good, I am in so deep with Evan I can’t even imagine what he could have to be jealous of and Isaac has quickly become my best friend second only to my husband.
Somehow I’ve got to fix this, but not right now. “I’m glad you’re awake, sir.” Isaac addresses him formally; it seems so strange to hear him talk like this. Isaac is his employee, but he’s also the closest thing to a friend Evan’s got other than me and he needs friends, whether he wants them or not. Gabriella and Simone are now on the other side of the bed; she has his other hand clasped between hers.
“Hey brother, you decided to join your own party. It’s good to see those eyes, I’m glad you’re back.” She is awarded a hint of a smile, the only one he’s given out so far. Shifting his eyes back to me, I know before he can get the word out what he needs.
“Sleep.,” he says. He looks exhausted, this small amount of interaction is more than he’s had in days, and I have to remind myself of the need for baby steps.
“Yes, baby, close your eyes, rest, I’ll be here when you wake up again. Promise.” His sharp greens plead with me for reassurance, I wasn’t here the first time, and my heart aches with regret.
“Really, I won’t go anywhere. I only stepped away for five minutes today, the only time in 3 days! It’s not my fault you chose then to wake up.” I throw a little spunk at him to lighten the atmosphere, and it works.
“You go, I go,” he works the words from his jumbled supply and I gently return to my place on his chest, careful not to upset any tubing or jostle his body. As I lay here, I begin the work of thanking God over and over for giving me my life back.
Hours later after falling to sleep sitting sideways on the bed with my chest against his rock hard abdomen, I wake with my hair unbraided and fanned over my body like a blanket. I can tell he is still sleeping from his regular soft breathing pattern, my body rising and falling with each breath he takes. I should move, my side burns, my left ass cheek is numb; actually my entire left side is numb. I shift to sit up and help the blood return to those areas, so it’s safe to stand but instinctually his arms tighten, and he’s awake.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you, but I can’t feel my leg, baby, I have to move.” He frees me, and I get a face full of crazy curls when I sit up.
“What have you been doing here?” I ask playfully as I scoop it away from my face and feel around for the hair tie that had been keeping it somewhat under control. I find it and wrap the mess back up into a knot at the nape of my neck. He gives a tiny shoulder shrug and his trademark smirk. He’s killing me here. It’s not quite New Years, only three days since we had our rendezvous right here in this bed but my body craves him, like gravity he pulls me in oblivious of the effect he’s having on me, or so it seems. As the blood returns to my deadened side, I look thoughtfully at him, switching my gaze from his eyes to the scar on his head and then settling on his lips before I close my eyes. He reaches up and drags his palm down my face gently brushing my eyelids with the tips of his fingers and then around the side of my neck and resting finally flat against the center of my chest. I keep my eyes closed and relax under his power, the connection between us stronger than ever before. My heart beats under his hand, increasing initially and leveling off to a steady beat as the minutes go by, kind of like our relationship. We started out with high drama and intense complications, his accident, our pasts, and a brain tumor. We’ve ridden through the peaks and plummets of the roller coaster, and finally we have come to a long stretch where things will settle, and we can enjoy the calm after the storm. I hope.
We are alone now, everyone has gone home, and I wish we could go home too. “When can we go?” he asks. I lazily open my eyes are not surprised any more by his ability to know exactly what I’m thinking.
“Soon I hope. How’s your pain?” I glance up at the monitor that takes his blood pressure frequently. It’s perfect.
“Fine.” I wouldn’t expect him to answer any other way, his body will be the only indicator if he’s hurting, and I know he will never tell me, I don’t know why I bother asking. Yes I do, I ask, so he know
s I’m worried, he hates when I worry. Maybe he will take some damn pain meds so I won’t have to. I purse my lips and look at him skeptically. “Really, I’m fine.”
“You sound better, seems like speaking is a little easier, yea?”
“Yes, a little.” I lean to kiss his full mouth softly, and he surprises me by biting my lip while I’m there.
“Ouch! Hey, you! You’re not supposed to be frisky.” I giggle, and he smiles, a real smile this time not holding anything back he flashes me his perfectly straight, bright white teeth and I wonder… “Did you have braces or are your teeth naturally that straight?” I ask.
He snorts softly “Natural, these are all mine, baby.” He grins again this time with purpose, showing me even more of his teeth. “Why do you ask?”
“I dunno, just wondering.”
“Would you still love me if they were fake?” Wow that’s the most he’s said since waking up, and such a funny topic of conversation. I roll my eyes.
“Would you still love me if I had fake teeth?” I counter, and he screws up his face in mock horror putting his first finger in my mouth and pulling it open to investigate.
“You have fake teeth?!” He asks playfully
“Of course not!” I bat his hand away.
“You never answered me,” he says,
“I would love you even if you had no teeth, Mr. Lawson.”
“Good to know, Mrs. Lawson.”
I have regained all feeling in my leg now, and I’ve got to use the bathroom. “I need to pee.”
“You sure?”
I smile again. “Yea pretty sure.”
“Ok, hurry back.” I scoot away and look back over my shoulder wiggling my eyebrows mischievously and shaking my ass causing him to moan, ha! He feels it too! Good to know, Mr. Lawson, I think to myself, good to know.
It’s been two days, and Evan has made impressive progress, even Dr. Carmichael is stunned when he did his rounds today. Evan is out of bed in a reclining chair using my iPad. He wanted to work, he came as close to begging for his laptop as Evan could, which was basically asking repeatedly and annoyingly until I proposed a compromise and handed over the iPad. I’m pretty sure he’s accessed his email and made contact with business associates, but I leave him be. As long as he’s doing so well I can’t see any harm in him dipping his toe back into business, and who’s going to stop him anyway?
