by Garcia, Amy
“I’m sorry, God, I’m so sorry, I knew better.”
“Shush.” He’s shushing me? I’m trying to comfort him and as usual he is doing the same for me. He pats the spot next to him, only raising his fingers up and down, minimal movements to avoid jostling himself and causing more pain. I place the lid back on the water and toss it behind me before I gently, softly, move to mirror his position.
“Don’t leave me,” he whispers.
“Never.” I lay with him for hours, watching him breath, watching his eyes dart back and forth under his lids when he enters REM sleep. I watch as he relaxes, and the pain evaporates from his body when the medication kicks in, his legs stretch out and his fists unclench.
I could watch him forever. His hair has started growing back already; his whole head covered with a dark shadow of what will be a thick mane of soft curls in a matter of a week or two. His perfect bronze skin, the strong jawline where a muscle ticks when he dreams, his full lips slightly parted, and his warm breath escapes allowing me to breathe in a part of him.
I watch, and I watch, and I watch until I hear the soft tinkling of my phone alarm reminding me it’s time for another round of meds. I hate to wake him; he looks so peaceful, but if I don’t he could end up in the same condition as he was earlier, paralyzed by pain. I reach out and gently lay my hand on his cheek.
“Evan, you have to take some more medication. Wake up.” He inhales a short burst followed by a deep shuttering breath and exhales before he lazily opens his eyes. He looks at me dreamily for a moment before blinking away the sleep and becoming more alert.
“Where are Yes and No?” I screw up my face and consider the dose of his pain meds; did I give him too much? Then it hits me, the kittens! Crap, I forgot all about them! Shit, I hope somebody has been taking good care of them, we’ve been gone a long time, they won’t even know us anymore.
“I don’t know, what made you think of them?”
“A dream. We were under the bed; you were smiling, and they were playing in your hair.” He reaches out and slips a chunk of my curls between his fingers examining it, pulling it free from my braid. “Let your hair free.”
“What?”
“Take your hair out of that braid, you never let it free anymore, I love your hair.” I sit up and cross my legs while I work it free from the fat tangly braid.
“It’s a mess; I haven’t been able to keep it nice at the hospital.” I work my fingers through the curls fluffing it and bringing some forward so he can see it.
“Beautiful. Now call Mr. Saint and find your kittens. And tell Cecelia I’m starving.” Music to my ears, he’s hungry, yes! I flash him a huge smile, and he makes me squirm with his smirk and a wink. Lord the things that combination does to me! I turn and begin scooting off the bed to make my phone call and get his meds, but he grabs my hand before I’m out of reach.
Looking back over my shoulder at him he mouths I love you before he releases me.
“I love you more,” I say feeling it deep down in my bones.
“Never leave me…”
“Never.”
I’ve been awake for hours sitting here with my arms wrapped around my legs and my chin propped on my knees staring at Evan waiting for him to wake up. Yes and No are surprisingly curled up with him, Yes is in the bend behind his knees and No is in a ball with his head upside-down near but not touching his chest. I can’t believe how much they’ve grown while we were gone! And what’s even more interesting is the way they have taken to Evan. Both of them were immediately drawn to him, crawling all over his chest, nuzzling their heads under his hands demanding to be scratched. Not a second glance at me! He seemed a little guilt ridden from all of their attention and kept pushing them toward me but to no avail, they both ignored me and made their way back to him. I’ve decided to attribute their behavior to animal instinct, they sense his injury and want to make him feel better, at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
When my bones begin to ache, I leave the bed quietly and slip on a robe to go check on breakfast with Cecelia. Eyeing my phone on the entertainment center I pick it up and drop it in the pocket of my robe. I’ve been neglecting my friends at home; it won’t be long before we are able to travel, and I can’t wait to get back to some semblance of a normal life. We need a get together; I miss girls’ night out. We haven’t had one since the night Evan woke up from his coma and threw a fit. I left my girls dangling after only one drink to rush to his side. I’m not counting the disastrous taco and movie night that never really happened at mom’s house when I was a hollow version of my current self. Time to make things right.
I shoot a group text to the girls and apologize for the long period of silence and give a very brief explanation of what’s been going on, very brief. I promise them dinner and drinks at our house when we return, and all of the girls respond enthusiastically but no word from Claire. I wonder how she’s doing, Claire is my most mysterious friend, I’ve never really connected with her closely and I feel like she has secrets, we all have them but I think Claire has dark secrets, maybe like my own.
I’ve got tentative plans set up by the time I reach the kitchen and smell bacon and toast wafting through the air making my stomach growl loudly; I’m famished!
“Ahh Buenos Dias, Señora Lawson!” I stop short at the sight of Mr. Saint and Isaac sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast, Saint with a newspaper in his hands and Isaac’s laptop open next to him.
“Well good morning, what’s everybody doing here for breakfast?” Saint smiles a friendly smile, which feels really odd as he has only recently accepted that my feelings for Evan are real and irrefutable. He returns his attention to the paper and Isaac is on his feet pulling out a chair as soon as he hears my voice.
“Morning Mia,” Isaac says, “How are you?”
Saint glances at Isaac with lifted brows.
“And Evan, how is Evan this morning.” Isaac stumbles over his change in the direction of the conversation. I worry my lip for a moment. I hope there hasn’t been a misunderstanding between Isaac and I, he has to know how devoted I am to Evan. No that’s ridiculous.
“I’m great, Isaac, thank you for asking, and Evan’s fine too, he’s sleeping,” and then I add “With the cats.” I open my eyes wide and giggle, who would have ever thought big tough Evan would cuddle up in bed with a couple kittens?
Isaac smiles and shakes his head back and forth. “I wish we were still watching you two on the monitors, that would be a sight to see,” he says and again Saint glances out of the corner of his eye, this time not as obviously but I saw it just the same.
“So, why’s everybody here this morning?” I ask again
“Well since I live here, I believe she’s speaking to you, Isaac.” Saint says with a touch of sarcasm. I swing my eyes from Saint to Isaac.
“Oh I’ve got some things to go over with Mr. Lawson this morning; I need his signature and the green light on a few projects.”
I roll my eyes, “Isaac, don’t you think you could call him Evan? You’ve known each other for years; you’re friends!” He wipes his mouth with a linen napkin and tosses it on the table.
“He’s my boss, Mia; he will always be my boss. We’ve been over this, ya know.” I swear I see a satisfied look on Mr. Saint’s face now, what’s going on with these two? I sigh and lean back to allow Cecelia room to slide eggs onto the plate in front of me.
“Thank you Cecelia.” I say “And whatever Isaac.” I roll my eyes.
“Coffee?” he asks me dodging my response.
“Yes.” I’m annoyed, and he knows it, why can’t those two just be both friends and work together?
“I don’t think he’s up to much work just yet,” I say as he pours my coffee in a cup that says ‘The Bride’ on it, what the hell?
He sets the cup in front of me adjusting it perfectly so I can read the words.
“What’s this?”
“Cecelia,” he says nodding in her
direction. She looks over her shoulder while she continues to cook and grins wildly, I can’t help but laugh. She’s something else.
The amount of sugar and creamer I add to my coffee makes both men gawk.
“What? I like sugar.”
“Obviously.” Saint responds with more sarcasm, he’s really not much fun; I can see why he and Evan have gotten along so well for all these years. I wish Evan would be closer to Isaac instead.
“Well if you don’t think he’s up to any work I’d better be getting to Dominus, thank you for breakfast, Cecelia.” She moves from the counter wiping her hands on her apron before she pulls Isaac close and kisses him roughly on the top of his head.
“You’re a good boy.” Poor Isaac blushes bright pink and Saint chuckles at his expense.
“I’ll see you later,” I say sympathetically, he nods and escapes the embarrassing position he’s unexpectedly found himself in.
Now with just Saint and me at the table I work on my breakfast and Cecelia brings me toast and fruit. I need to start working out again. I haven’t been in a gym or a pool in forever, well-swimming laps in a pool anyway. My thoughts begin to drift to the afternoon not long ago when Evan I made love in the pool downstairs, and I’m officially daydreaming when Saint brings me back.
“You should know he’s in love with you.” He bursts my perfect bubble with his off the wall comment.
“Huh?”
“Isaac. It’s clear he loves you. You need to deal with it now before Evan realizes it.” Before Evan realizes it? I don’t even realize it! He snaps his paper closed laying it neatly next to his empty plate and looks expectantly at me.
“Seriously…hey, what’s your first name anyway?” I feel like we know each other well enough to be on a first name basis.
“Just call me Saint, Mia, that’s fine.”
“Why? Why don’t you want me to know anything about you?”
“This is why you’re having difficulty with Isaac; you get too close to the help. I keep things strictly business when it comes to Evan.”
“You call him Evan; Isaac doesn’t even call him by his first name.” I raise my chin defiantly, and he leans forward laying his hands flat on the table.
“I have known that man almost his entire life, I think that’s earned me the right to call him by his first name.” With that he pushes off the table and his chair scoots back scraping against the tile. “I’ll be in his office.” He speaks to Cecelia purposely avoiding any further contact with me.
Shit, I thought we were finally getting somewhere. And double shit that he thinks Isaac is in love with me! We have gone over this more than once; we’re friends, nothing else. At least that’s what I thought, and that’s what he said. I bow my head into my hands, propping my elbows on the table to think. Have I been giving off the wrong vibe? I’ve never been friends with a guy before, it just seemed so natural with Isaac, I can tell him anything, and he understands Evan and we both love him. Cecelia lays a hand on my shoulder and without thinking I reach up and cover it with mine.
“I didn’t know; I thought we were friends.” Looking up into her warm, loving eyes I see doubt. “Really Cecelia, I had no idea!” She squeezes my shoulder quickly before turning to finish cleaning up.
“You’re a beauty; you have to be careful with your love. Save it all for your husband, he needs so much; there can be none left over for any other man, not even a friend.” She works at wiping down the granite counter top as she speaks.
“I disagree. There are different kinds of love. I can love my friends too.” I argue
“You tell yourself that but loving that boy like a friend is hurting him.” She waves her towel toward the door Isaac just left through. “You know he’s a dead man if he even thinks…”
“Ahh stop! Nobody’s a dead man; nobody’s in love!” I’m exasperated, God I can’t think about anything happening to Isaac, no no no! She looks knowingly at me for a second before turning to put the dishes away from the dishwasher.
“Ok, I’ll talk to him.” I can’t risk anybody misconstruing my relationship with Isaac, including Isaac and especially Evan.
“Good,” she says Why can’t anything just be easy?
“I’m going for a swim,” I announce and take my plate to the sink, but she doesn’t allow me to wash it snatching it from my hands as I turn on the faucet.
“You go; I wash. Your suit is in the changing room by the pool.” I wish she would let me do something around here; I’m not used to someone washing my dishes and my laundry.
“Go, shoot!” I turn and flop my arms in defeat. “Ok ok, geese.” I make my way to the back of the house to the basement stairs and begin to smell the chlorine half way down. I wonder if he’s awake, he’s got his phone, I’m sure he will call me if he needs me. I haven’t left the house, after all; I’m just downstairs.
The sight of him lying next to me in bed asking me never to leave him flashes through my mind. I can’t sit watching him every minute; surely he wasn’t asking me to, was he? No, he was referring to the future. I stayed by his side when he was in the hospital almost every minute, but he’s finally making his way out of the woods and I need to get off my ass. The warm air and humidity hit me when I enter the pool room, and I breathe it in, now if I were outside somewhere baking in the hot sun, this would be perfect. I’m here to exercise though, not to get a tan. I am so pale, I haven’t seen the outside of an ICU room in weeks let alone the beach or even a tanning bed. I change into one of dozens of bikinis in the dressing room. The suit is lilac, every one of them is within the wide range of purples on the color wheel, I hope I don’t grow to hate purple, I don’t think I could knowing how much Evan loves it and why. Standing at the end of the pool I cock my head to look at the photograph of myself mid orgasm at the opposite end of the pool. It makes me uncomfortable; I’m not interested in seeing myself coming every time I take a lap. Maybe I should find the footage of that night and have my own picture made for this end of the pool. I smile to myself and dive into the tepid water, cutting through it without a splash I let my mind go blank. It’s just me and the water; I concentrate on the rhythm of my strokes, my breathing, and the feeling of weightlessness. Soon I’m lost in a zone, oblivious to anything around me but the comforting water. I’m startled out of my skin when I’m getting ready to do a flip turn, and a hand reaches into the water grabbing my arm.
“Hey there, flipper, you coming out of there anytime soon?” I choke and sputter nearly breathing a mouthful of water into my lungs.
“You scared the shit outta me!” I say between coughs.
“Sorry baby, I didn’t think you would ever stop, I’ve been watching you with surveillance for an hour.”
“An hour? Really?” I hadn’t realized I’d been at it so long.
“Hey! Why are you out of bed? And down here, this is too far to be going, Evan! Damn it! Can’t I leave you alone for an hour without you getting into trouble?”
“No.”
“Agh, you’re impossible,” I say to move to the edge of the pool and pulling myself out, water sloshing all over the deck. He’s ready for me with a thick bath sheet, wrapping it around my shoulders he starts to pat me dry.
“Stop it, I’m taking care of you remember?”
“Well, you’re not doing a very good job. I woke up with two furballs and no wife. I got lonely.” he’s playing with me.
“Mmmhmm.”
“You keep leaving me.” His face has gone serious, the playfulness in his eyes is gone, I look down at my bare wet feet feeling guilty, I keep disappointing him. “I’m sorry…I..”
“Shush, I wasn’t looking for an apology; I just want you to know how much you mean to me, I want to wake up every morning looking into this gorgeous face.” He cradles my face bringing my eyes back to his. “I should be the one apologizing. I’ve monopolized your entire life, saturated you with my problems, and dragged you along this ludicrous journey with me.”
He p
ulls me to his bare chest, still only dressed in his boxers I can feel every part of him, the soft patch of chest hair brushing against my cheek, every ripple of his abdomen against my wet breasts and his growing arousal against my sex. I feel so small in his arms, in my bare feet I have to stand on my tippy toes just to kiss him.
“We need to get you back to bed.”
“You keep dragging me to bed but not for any of the reasons I want to be there.” I hold onto his waist and let my head fall back
“Behave.”
“Mmmmm.” He slides his fingers down my spine until he reaches the edge of my bikini bottoms. I shake my head slowly back and forth but he’s relentless, continuing his trail under the wet material splaying his big hand over my entire ass he presses his middle finger between my cheeks and strokes a most forbidden domain. I suck in a sharp breath as we lock eyes; his are dark with only a rim of bright green around his dilated pupils, full of desire. Mine, I can only imagine are emanating anxiety and surprisingly curiosity. My heart pounds in my chest so hard I’m positive he hears it but that’s not what stops him, it’s my hesitation, he’s reading my mind again.
“Mia? Are you ok, baby?”
“Yea,” I whisper “I just…I’m not sure…” He slides his hand back up to the small of my back, his breathing slows but the desire never escapes his gaze.
“I will always be careful with you, I promise. I will never forget what you have been through. I will never push you to do something you aren’t ready for.” I close my eyes for a moment and gather the courage to respond.
“That was the worst part, the most painful and degrading.” His lips interrupt my explanation with a soft tender kiss.
“Shush. Put me to bed, Mrs. Lawson.” We stand by the pool while the water laps against the sides softly for a moment before I take his hand and lead him to the elevator.
“Let’s go.” He sweeps his hand toward the open doors.
“I’ll follow you anywhere,” I say smiling lovingly
