by Garcia, Amy
When he’s able, he loosens his tenacious grip, and I gulp in a breath of much-needed air. Holding onto his shoulders I slide off of him until only his tip brushes the outer folds of my needy sex before he thrusts forward.
“Ahhhh fuuuuck Mia!” he moans low and long before picking up the pace. I take all of him, every time to the precipice of pain, but it’s a delicious pain that I welcome over and over while we rock the hell out of this Cadillac.
“Fucking hell Mia, I want to bite this ass.” He has a cheek full in each hand as he penetrates my soaked core over and over. I work my hips in circles and up and down, riding him hard and fast, and then slow and tortuous. His hands slide under my ass and spread my cheeks as he glides two fingers along my slit, with each thrust of my hips he reaches under and back with his long fingers dragging my slickness back spreading it all the way down my crack, past the pucker of my ass where he hovers and slides a finger around in circles but never penetrates. I shudder at the sensation; it feels good better than I ever imagined it would.
“Mmmm, you like that baby, I know you do.”
“Ahh yes…yes…” That’s all I’m capable of saying, we’re in that place where we go, the zone where no one else exists, Anyone could open the car door and I wouldn’t even be aware of them, this is bliss the place between reality and fantasy. Dipping his head, he takes my nipple in his mouth at the same time circling my clit he drives me off the cliff with the combination. I clutch his biceps and with no warning or abandon I come like never before.
“Oh God, Evan!!!” I scream and on cue his fulfillment joins mine we meld into one enormous ball of pulsing energy like a star being born we explode around each other in perfect unity.
“Fuck, Mia, you slay me, I’m yours I’m yours I’m yours…” he murmurs against the skin of my neck as the tightly wound muscles of our bodies begin to relax and the veil of protection that surrounds us dissipates revealing the reality of what we’ve just done, damn it we were doing so well up until now. When I pull away, Evan’s eyes turn from hooded and lusty to shocked and fearful.
“What, Evan hey what’s the matter?” He reaches out to touch my cheek swiping it he shows me two fingers covered in blood, immediately I’m ripped from a moment of fulfillment and thrown into a cold pool of truth. “You’re bleeding.” I grasp his face between my hands to tilt his head toward me, examining his incision I see nothing, his hair has grown back to a short soft buzz cut length, but I am still able to see where they removed a plate of bone from his skull. Nothing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.
As I’m checking him over his face is angled into our laps I feel panic surging through his body like a storm rolling in out of nowhere.
“Oh God, Mia, it’s not me it’s you.” I release his head and follow his gaze to where we are still connected and find blood, lot of it. My first thought is shit I’ve started my period; I haven’t been keeping close track of that with all that’s been going on with Evan. But quickly I assess that this is not that kind of bleeding this is active full on bleeding. And then cramping, something is very wrong here. Evan scrambles to move me onto the seat next to him, laying me down on my back he wipes at the blood with his shirt from the floor, but I can feel it trickling down under my bottom. In shock I lift my hands and see palms covered in blood, not a place on his body or mine has gone untouched, both of us have been relying solely on touch and the intense sensations that come with sex, we never noticed the blood. He slams his hand against the lock button and to my horror screams for Mr. Saint.
“Evan, God no, don’t let him see me like this are you nuts?!” He disregards me, like a machine he works at putting himself back together and covering me up with the leg of my jeans that is dangling from my hip. The door opens immediately, and I turn to face the back of the seat next to me, embarrassed to be seen in this compromising position half-dressed and bleeding.
“Eyes down! Take us to the nearest hospital now!” He bellows at Mr. Saint anger and worry ripple with his words. He's in the driver’s seat and driving before I can think another thought.
“Arms up.” I turn my head slightly from the shelter of the back seat and see he’s holding my bra and sweater I blindly follow his instructions until he’s got me all in order other than my one naked leg. A feeling that he knows something more about what’s going on nags at me, what the hell is going on here?
“Evan…” He won’t meet my eyes and continues to fuss with the edge of my sweater. “Evan!”
“Mia, I’m so sorry, I knew it was dangerous, I knew we shouldn’t. You are being punished because of me, this was destined to happen, I’m not supposed to have anything good…” What the fuck is he talking about? I interrupt his ramblings.
“Hey, I have no idea what you’re talking about Evan you’re not making any sense.” His eyes lock with mine finally, and my first thought is this is why they say the eyes are the window to the soul. His soul is being tormented by something new I’ve seen his pain before but right now he’s being crucified. “Evan, you’re scaring me! Why am I bleeding, what are you…”
Oh God no, it’s impossible, there is no way in hell I’m pregnant, the doctor said I could never be, he made it crystal clear that I would never conceive and carry a child in my uterus due to the damage and surgery after my attack.
“Am I? Was I? No no, this can’t be.” He nods in affirmation, and I lay my hands on my belly that is cramping severely now. “How? You knew? Why didn’t you fucking tell me?!” My question starts out soft but escalates to hysteria before he finally answers. “Dr. Carmichael checked when he did your physical; I had never told him you weren’t capable of becoming pregnant.”
“And he didn’t tell me? He told you!” I roar; Mr. Saint shifts uncomfortably in the driver’s seat, and the kittens begin to yowl. My head is going to explode, I’m way past shock and overstimulation, I’m knocking on the door of insanity. Evan reaches out to take my hand, and I smack it away. “Don’t; just do not touch me right now.” I cover my eyes with my arm and in the dark I attempt to accept what he’s telling me, what’s happening, what might happen, what he’s kept from me and why? I still can’t understand the why, so I ask. Saint hits a pot hole and jolts me causing more pain and a gush of bleeding.
“Ugh.” I wince and hold my abdomen with my free hand.
“Watch the fucking holes, Saint!” he hollers.
“Why, why didn’t you tell me?” he doesn’t answer right away. “WHY!” I scream
“I wanted to protect you; I didn’t want you to worry until we got home where you could see an actual obstetrician.” I peek from under my arm to see Evan’s head hanging low, wringing his hands together with anxiety.
“And? I know there’s got to be more than that, Evan, you didn’t keep a monumental piece of news like this from me just to prolong my worrying.” I snap at him.
“I…I didn’t believe it at first, I had Dr. Carmichael run the blood test again, he knows I can’t have children either. After he had confirmed it a million things went through my mind I even doubted you for a moment, I thought maybe you and Isaac… God damn it, Mia! I don’t deserve children! I couldn’t accept that it was real! I have been so incredibly blessed with you I knew something bad would happen if you were pregnant with my child and look, it has!” He waves his blood covered hand over my belly hesitating near my hands, he wants to touch me, comfort me but he’s been warned and he won’t.
“You thought I was unfaithful to you?” I whisper and the floodgates open wide, disappointment and grief combined with anger and frustration burst forward in the form of tears. I’m shocked and angry knowing he kept my pregnancy from me, but the fact that he even considered for a microsecond that I would cheat on him is devastating. I raise my hands to my face and bawl, my body heaves up and down with the sobs. The one thing I have always taken for granted is the level of trust between us, the knowledge and understanding that nothing could ever come between us, especially another person. And now I know our
foundation has a crack, a weakness, doubt.
“Mia please, let me touch you it’s killing me to see you cry. I’m so sorry you have to go through this because of me, my curse is causing you pain again.” I hear his words between my shuddering breaths, but I can’t respond, I can’t even think right now, overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to cover the span of emotions I’m experiencing. The car pulls to a stop, I can’t see what hospital I’ve been brought to, I pray it’s not Seattle Trinity I don’t want anyone I know seeing me like this, broken, bleeding and dying of a shattered heart. Just minutes ago I was in heaven, and now I’m facing the loss of a child I had no knowledge of and my husband may believe I was unfaithful. Absofuckinglutely spot on for us, if it can go wrong it does.
“Tell them to bring a sheet and towels.” He barks at Saint when he exits the car. His arms gather me into his lap, disregarding the blood oozing from my body onto his jeans he presses me against him and I let loose a sorrowful wail and beat against his chest with my tiny fists.
“I hate you!” I scream into his chest.
“I know baby, I do too…I do too.”
Just like the movies the lights overhead zip by as I’m wheeled down the emergency department hallway and into a small triage room. I am incredibly appreciative that Saint has not taken me to Seattle Trinity where I worked for over ten years, it’s a small hospital and the gossip train makes the rounds swiftly and regularly, everyone would know that I was being hospitalized again but for very different reasons. The tears have temporarily stopped while I struggle with the facts of the situation, thank God this didn’t happen in Italy where I can’t understand a damn thing anyone’s saying. Questions ping pong around in my brain, why is this happening to me, to us. When will we ever catch a break?
I’ve been resolved to (the idea of not) not having children for a long time, and so has Evan so what is the reasoning behind giving us a miracle just to snatch it away before we can embrace it? Just fucking leave me alone God, haven’t I been through enough? Haven’t I suffered, fought, endured and grieved enough? Haven’t I dedicated my life to helping others in need as I once was? Haven’t I been dragged through the mud for loving one of your most difficult children, God? So unfair, this is so indescribably unfair! The air is suddenly in short supply; beads of sweat break out across my face.
“I..can’t..breathe!” I gasp grabbing the edge of the scrub shirt of the closest nurse.
“Hold on honey, you’re hyperventilating can you hold your breath for a few seconds?” I feel like I’m sweating profusely, and I’m lightheaded, but her words click, and some tiny part of my mind remembers why she wants me to do the opposite of what feels right. Too much oxygen causes hyperventilation, stop the oxygen intake and allow the body to absorb what it’s got. I nod as she takes my hands in hers locking eyes with mine she coaches me.
“Breathe in; good good now hold it with me.” I copy her and inhale a shallow shaky breath and hold it with her until she begins to turn red. Granting my lungs mercy, I blow out my breath hard, and she encourages me to repeat the action one more time.
“I got it. I’m ok now, thank you.” I search for her name badge and see that her name is Storm, seriously? The nurse sent to help me through this awful mess is named Storm? The irony is almost funny but not quite.
“Tell me what happened…”
“Mia, my name is Mia. I…I am or was…” I can’t seem to force the word pregnant from my mouth and Evan steps in to relieve me.
“She is pregnant, unexpectedly, we aren’t sure exactly how far along and we had sex tonight, that’s when the bleeding began.” His words are taut with stress and mangled with regret. I feel my heart accelerate when I hear him say the actual words she is pregnant, Storm feels my pulse quicken under her fingers where she is still holding my hands.
“Ok, Mia, now we are going to find out what’s going on ok, don’t panic. Let’s get the OB in here and let them look you over before we jump to any conclusions.”
There are other people coming in and out of the room but I try to stay focused on Storm’s words. I watch her lips move and I hear her voice, but the meaning isn’t connecting so I keep her words on rotation, don’t panic don’t jump to conclusions while someone starts and IV in my arm and another uses a warm wash cloth to clean the blood off of my legs. Every time I blink someone new is crowding into the small space around me asking questions, bringing in supplies, asking for signatures and poking at me.
Evan is here, I can feel him, I hear him breathing, but I keep my eyes on Storm.
“This is Dr. Morris, Mia.” She gestures to a lovely but tired looking brunette woman who has appeared at the end of the bed. “She’s an OB; she’s going to assess your bleeding, all right, Mia?” I can’t speak, my mouth tastes like sand, and my nose is running down my lip I just nod in agreement.
“Mia can you tell me how far along you might be? Have you missed a period?”
Period, oh yea, let’s see my last period I don’t know, I wouldn’t be able to tell her if it were five days ago, my mind isn’t functioning. I surprise myself and unbelievably turn to Evan for help. When he realizes I’m not going to answer the question, and I need him to do it for me he jumps at the opportunity to be included in any way that I will allow.
“She had a blood test a week ago that indicated she is ten to twelve weeks along.” Now that news clears some fog, ten to twelve weeks! No fucking way have I been that irregular; there must be some sort of mistake! I look at him with disbelief, and he raises his eyebrows tilting his head to the side with an expression that says I can’t believe it either.
“All right good, well we have confirmation of a positive pregnancy then. I’m going to take a look at your bleeding and do an ultrasound. Mia, do you understand?” I squeeze my eyes shut tight and roll my head in Evan’s direction, I may hate his ass right now, but I’m scared and as soothing as Storm is Evan is familiar, and in his own totally fucked up way I know he loves me.
“She understands.” He responds for me crouching down next to the gurney to lace his bloody fingers through mine. Dr. Morris lifts the sheet from the bottom of the bed and proceeds to perform a speculum exam like I’ve had many times before at my yearly appointments. I’m sure she notices my physical reactions to her unfamiliar touch, jumping when she touches my knees and clenching my legs together when she asks me to relax. This is the old Mia, the one I thought was gone, the one who was so inhibited it took an hour in an exam room to work up the courage for a pap smear, the one who would never undress in front of a stranger.
All of that is nonexistent with Evan, from day one I’ve been an open book physically and mentally for him to touch and explore. There are no inhibitions with him, I naturally blossomed like a flower under sunlight in his arms I trusted him with any and everything. But now I know it wasn’t a two-way street, he doubted me, he fucking doubted me.
When Dr. Morris is finished, she covers me and stands on the side of the bed opposite from Evan.
“I’m not going to beat around the bush. Mia, you exhibit serious signs of having been abused along with the bleeding tonight I have to ask is everything ok between you two?”
Evans's hand tightens around mine so hard I think he might crush my fingers, and I suddenly find my words. “It’s not him.” I croak and try to clear my dry throat.
“Can she have some water?”
“Just a sip, there is a cup behind you. What do you mean it’s not him, Mia? Who is it then?” He hands me a styrofoam cup of water, and I take a long drink ignoring doctors’ orders.
“It was a long time ago; she was kidnapped and tortured, raped,” Evan says this evenly with obvious disgust, and I know he wants to rip her head off at the insinuation, but he amazingly reigns in the rage.
“Is that true, Mia?”
“Yes, it happened when I was nineteen, I was jumped in a bar alley…”
“She doesn’t have to rehash all of that again; can we get on with the exam and see what
’s going on with the baby?” Evan says protectively knowing how hard it is for me to relive the past.
Dr. Morris looks to me, and I agree. “I’d like to know what’s happening please, can we just get on with it?” She nods curtly at my request, and a nurse pushes a portable ultrasound machine to the bedside.
“Mr. Lawson,” Dr. Morris says in a challenging tone, and I feel him bristle beside me immediately taking offense to her tone.
“Yes, Dr. Morris?”
“Could you turn out the light behind you?” He was waiting for more insinuations but she must have filed them away for later because she is all business now as she switches on the machine. I want to look but at the same time I don’t.
Wrapping my mind around being pregnant takes time for anyone but having believed for ten years that it was impossible makes it even more mind blowing for me. I focus on the light fixture in the ceiling of the tiny room while Dr. Morris squirts warm gel over my cramping belly. It’s so flat, how could I be three months pregnant? I can usually tell if I’ve gained weight, my clothes would surely be uncomfortable if I’d put on a few pounds. When she presses the probe against my skin, I suck in a small quick breath and wait while she pushes and tilts it around looking at the inside of my body.
Evan is staring at the screen squinting he tries to figure out what he’s seeing; I can’t bring myself to look so I focus on Evan and his reaction instead. His eyes lower to meet mine after a minute or so in the darkened room. Even in the dim light of the ultrasound screen I see a spark there behind his bright greens, one I wasn’t expecting.
