“Ok let’s see if we can help this little guy.”
I nodded.
“I doubt he’s strong enough to nurse, but we can lay him on you to warm up and start by expressing some milk into his mouth. I’m not hopeful, but it’s really all we can try. You think you can do that?”
Gus knew me well enough by now that he could tell my thoughts were centered around the loss of my own baby. I nodded and situated myself on the couch. I quickly unfastened my bra before holding my arms out for the baby boy. Gus handed him to me very gently. It was alarming how weak the baby seemed; his arms, legs, and head were limp. His eyes were closed and his tiny fingers attempted to make a fist. Gus brought one of the heavier blankets from the mattress over and covered both of us with it. The nearly nude infant felt cool against my skin and I wrapped my arms around him desperately trying to warm him. Gus sat beside me and pulled both of us onto his lap so that my right side was against his chest. He helped me tuck the baby between the two of us.
“He’s so cold,” I said softly.
“Let’s try getting him some calories.”
I nodded. Holding the little one reminded me so much of how it had felt to hold my own daughter. It was surreal. I knew I couldn’t do anything to save her, but perhaps I could help someone else’s child. I positioned his head so that it was just below my nipple. He didn’t react.
“Try expressing a drop and just putting it on his lips,” suggested Gus.
I held the back of his tiny head in one hand, and my breast in the other. I had only done this once before and it felt awkward.
“You’re doing fine,” said Gus.
I gently massaged my breast until a single small drop of fluid emerged, and gently brushed the baby’s lips with it. He took a shuddering, tiny breath, but otherwise didn’t react. His head was round and nearly bald, covered in fine blonde fuzz.
“It’s not working,” I whispered. “He’s not doing anything.”
“Here. Let me open his lips. Try another drop so that it actually goes into his mouth.”
Gus used his index finger to gently sweep the baby’s lower lip downward. The infant’s chin quivered just ever so slightly and his tiny face wrinkled at the brow. I expressed one more drop, which slid into his mouth. Very slowly, his tiny tongue emerged from his mouth and he puckered his lips.
“Good boy,” Gus whispered to the child. “Just keep doing that, Zoe, nice and slow. With some luck the warmth and milk will perk him up.”
“I wonder what his name is?”
“I suspect we’ll never know, darlin’. Whoever this little one belongs to, I’m afraid, is gone.”
“How’s the baby doing?” asked Boggs. He was climbing in from the hatch.
“Only time will tell. He’s malnourished and half frozen, brother. Did Danny know anything?”
“Yeah. He’s getting Abbey ready and they’re headed over. He said one of the others was an outsider. A white woman they rescued several months ago who was pregnant. Last he knew she hadn’t given birth yet, but he says it must be hers.”
“What was her name?” I asked, finally looking up.
“He didn’t say.”
I looked back to the baby, who had seemingly fallen asleep. I rested a hand on his side to feel for breathing, and to my relief felt his chest rise and fall. “He’s asleep.”
“I’d just keep him near for now. Try feeding him again in twenty minutes. He needs to warm up.”
“You’re nursing him?” asked Boggs in surprise.
“Trying to,” I answered. “He’s just so weak.”
“I didn’t think you’d still have milk, Zo.” Boggs paused in thought. “This must be really hard for you.”
Gus scooted me off of his lap. He stood and walked toward Boggs. “Why don’t you go sit by Zoe? She’s almost as cold as the baby.”
Before the horrors of today the thought of Boggs being so near again would have been very uncomfortable. Now, though, I hadn’t the energy to worry about things like my own comfort. Boggs sat down beside me and adjusted the blanket to cover my bare shoulder. I smiled weakly at him before looking back down at the sleeping baby. Boggs’ face wore a mask of sadness as he watched me holding the little one.
Danny and Abbey both climbed into the room and walked over to the big mattress where he told her she should lay down to warm up. I watched as he covered her with one of the many blankets and it warmed my heart to see him taking care of her. Once Danny had her settled, Gus quietly told us that he was going back into the other room to check on Nate and Susan. As Gus hoisted himself back up to the hatch, Danny walked over and sat on the couch a couple of feet away from Boggs.
“Will the baby make it?” he asked.
Boggs leaned back and ran a hand through his gnarled hair.
“We can only hope so, Danny. He’s really weak but I got him to take a few drops of milk,” I said quietly. “Did you know his mother well?”
Danny shook his head side to side. “She kept to herself a lot. Her name was Connie. Mack said she had lost her boyfriend and her mother just before we found her and that her grief kept her a prisoner within herself. She had just started eating with the rest of us and was just starting to talk more.”
Boggs put a hand on Danny’s shoulder in a silent gesture of comfort.
“Did you see her? Outside?” I asked.
The boy hung his head and took a deep breath. “Ya. She was one of them.”
“Did she ever mention a name for the baby?”
“Not that I ever heard. She never liked to talk about the baby.”
“Maybe it was just all too painful,” said Boggs with a yawn.
I could feel the tiny baby stretch his legs, but just lightly. I peeked beneath the blanket and rubbed his back gently. He scrunched his face and sighed softly in his sleep. I brought his head gently to my breast and dripped more milk into his mouth. He still seemed far from eager to feed but I managed to get him to lick milk off of his lips as he had done before.
“Is he eating?” asked Boggs.
“A little.”
I was beginning to warm up and thought the little one was as well. Still, I kept my arms around him and held him as close as I could.
“I’m so cold,” said Abbey from the floor beside us. I could hear her teeth chattering.
“Boggs, I should go lay with her,” I whispered. “I’m sure Susan will need to stay with Nathan tonight.”
“He’s in pretty bad shape. Not sure if his ankle is twisted or broken, but getting him through the tunnel and two hatches was rough.”
Danny cleared his throat. “I can go lay down with her if you want to stay on the couch,” he said. “I don’t mind.”
I saw Boggs look sideways at the young man. “She’s only twelve. You keep your hands to yourself, ok?”
It wasn’t very bright in the room, but I was pretty sure Danny blushed.
“Thirteen,” mumbled Abbey.
“Huh?” asked Boggs.
“I’m thirteen now. My birthday was a week before Christmas.”
He sighed. “Happy birthday, Abs. I’m sorry I didn’t know.”
“It’s ok.” She sounded so tired.
After Danny had excused himself and was settled in beside Abbey, I began feeling the effects of the day myself. My body was aching, as was my heart. I tried my best to keep my eyes open, but soon I found myself giving in and drifting off.
“Emmett,” I mumbled.
“Huh?” Boggs sounded like he too was on the verge of sleep.
“I want to name him Emmett. For Emilie.”
“She would have liked that,” he said just above a whisper.
***
I had no idea where I was when I woke. It took me a moment of looking around to remember. The only light came from a single candle that flickered gently. Someone must have turned off the battery-operated lantern. That or the battery had finally failed. We were in the second safe house. Marnie and Mack had been killed, along with the other group of survivors.
The baby. I was holding the baby. In a sudden panic, I looked down and saw the little one was starting to stir in my arms. He was moving, more so than he had so far. That had to be a good sign.
“Gus?” I called out quietly.
“I’m here. What is it?”
“The baby…he’s waking up.”
I felt pinned down and realized that Boggs was leaning against me. He was still sound asleep.
“I’m coming over.”
Within seconds, Gus was kneeling on the floor in front of us.
“Does he look ok?”
“He looks hungry. That’s a good sign.”
I looked at Gus, who suddenly looked ten years older. His beard had grown out and was speckled with gray. He had dark bags under his eyes. I adjusted the baby and brought him to my breast. He opened his mouth and turned toward my nipple eagerly. I stroked his lips with fresh milk and he opened wide. Soon he was latched on and trying to suck. He was still weak, but making a great effort.
“That’s right, big guy. You’ll feel better soon,” I cooed. “I know you must miss your momma, sweet thing.”
I felt so bad for this tiny person, left alone in a world that now belonged to the dead. Someone had tried to keep him safe, knowing that instead of being eaten alive he’d be forced to die a slow death of cold and starvation. The decision must have been agonizing. The baby began sucking more vigorously, and at that moment I saw hope in a world where hope was a dangerous thing.
CHAPTER 16
We spent four full days below ground. Quarters were cramped and tempers had begun to flare from time to time. Due to the sheer amounts of blood and gore in the first room and entry tunnel, we avoided those sections. Nathan had eventually been able to join the rest of us in the inner most room, so we used the middle area for toileting and simple bathing. Most of the Roamers had finally wandered off, giving up hope that we’d come out. The freshest of the horde lingered the longest. It was perhaps by the Grace of God that no Runners had been near, nor the dead children who seemed so cognizant. It was harder for me to read the dead from the metal cargo containers that were buried below ground, so twice a day I would crawl to the outer hatch and “listen.” I was the lucky one who got to face the remains of the massacre. Each day had been met with fewer of the dead lingering. It was at the very start of the fifth day that I sensed none at all.
I had begun calling the baby Emmett. No one seemed to object. He still seemed a bit weak but was starting to eat more often and had produced a few wet and dirty diapers. Holding him in my arms had begun to feel right.
We had decided it would be best to go outside as an entire group. We hoped to leave the sanctuary and not return. It was a place of death, and no longer for the living. Gus had helped me fashion a sling for carrying the baby using an old bed sheet. We carried what we could in backpacks and tote bags. Mine contained mostly strips of cloth to use as diapers and extra blankets. Everyone had agreed that I was already carrying my share with the weight of the baby. My biggest fear was that he’d cry and attract the dead. I had changed his diaper and packed him into the homemade pouch and waited in the sleeping area until Susan told me it was time to head outside. The trek through the other rooms was tedious. I tried to breathe through my mouth to avoid the horrible odors, and kept Emmett’s head near to my chest.
Susan and I were the last to arrive at the hatch. Abbey was just climbing out when we got there. She had grown so withdrawn since we’d been in this location. Susan offered to hold Emmett while I climbed out, but he was already nestled and content. I kept a hand around him to keep him close so that he wouldn’t bump into the edge of the exit, and Boggs grabbed onto my other hand to help hoist me up. As we emerged, none of us spoke. It felt so good to breathe the clean air. It was warmer out than I had expected. Nathan was using a couple of sticks that Gus and Boggs had fashioned into crutches and he seemed to be getting around ok. We had found pain pills in the sleeping quarters, but Nate refused to use anything stronger than Tylenol due to his history of drug abuse. He said the pain of his broken leg wasn't as bad as the pain of withdrawal would be. Susan had stayed at his side without fail.
We stood in the clearing for a few minutes, just observing our surroundings. The fallen bodies of the dead remained. Their bodies were all little more than skeletons and mutant worms were feasting on what remained. They looked like large earth worms and were nearly blood-red. We opted to ignore them as we walked away. Birds twittered nearby and a soft warm breeze blew, carrying with it the scent of honeysuckle. Baby Emmett sneezed twice, startling me. I kissed the top of his head. We were all still filthy and I found myself hoping that we might be able to bathe soon. Between Nathan’s injury and the baby in tow, our next objective was to find transportation as soon as possible. That and safety. Danny had mentioned nearby Tatoosh Island, located in the Pacific just off the Cape Flattery. He said that it was once a whaling and fishing village for his people, and also housed a Coast Guard station and lighthouse. He said it was uninhabited. To get there, though, we’d need a boat. He suggested we work our way toward Neah Bay, where the Makah Cultural Center and Museum kept tribal canoes.
We set off in relative silence, our pace significantly slow. I had been asked to take the lead. If I sensed the dead near, I was to simply stop walking and the others would take a defensive stance around me and the baby. By the time the sun was high overhead, Nathan had signaled that he needed to stop. I was surprised he had lasted that long in light of his injury. I guessed we had already walked three or four miles. The constant sway of my pace had kept Emmett content and snoozing. Now stopped alongside a creek, he began squirming and I could tell he was about to cry. Despite it being damp I sat on a nearby fallen log and carefully pulled the baby from his make-shift hammock. Before he grew too loud, I had positioned him to nurse. Everyone else found a seat, and some smoked salmon jerky was passed around. I took a small piece and chewed on it gratefully. Gus slipped me another small piece.
“You need the extra calories for the baby,” he whispered into my ear.
I nodded, and took the extra serving. I looked down at Emmett, who was vigorously feeding. I was glad to see him returning to health. It made me feel like I had done some sort of good in this God-forsaken world.
“Nate, are you up to going on?” asked Gus after we had rested for several minutes.
“I have to be,” he said.
I could tell he was in a lot of pain.
“I need to finish feeding Emmett,” I said quietly. “I’m afraid he’ll cry otherwise.”
“No problem,” said Susan. “Do you want me to carry him for a bit?”
I rolled my shoulders, which had begun to ache from the strain of the sling.
“Actually, that’d be nice. Thanks. I’ll finish his feeding and check his diaper then help get him settled on you.”
She smiled at me. She was proving to be a good friend and sister.
“Abbey? Do you want to help me burp him?” I asked.
The teen looked up. She was looking older each day. There was something missing from her eyes; a sparkle that had once been there.
“It’s ok. Maybe next time.”
Danny nudged her gently with his knee.
“Ouch,” she said.
“Cheer up,” he whispered while leaning against her gently. “And you know that didn’t hurt.”
I could tell they were fast becoming friends. She needed a friend. We all did.
“We should start coming to some neighborhoods soon,” said Danny. “Maybe we should plan to stay somewhere there tonight.”
“Probably a good idea,” said Nate with a grimace.
“Does it hurt much?” I asked.
“A bit.”
Emmett fell asleep and unlatched. I carefully scooted him to my shoulder and rubbed his back until he burped. He sighed in his sleep. I hated to move him, but we needed to move on. I gestured with my head for Susan to come over. While I held Emmett close, she unwound the sheet-sling from around me and Boggs stood t
o help her wrap it around herself. I kissed the sleeping baby on the forehead, and then his cheek, and allowed Boggs to take him from me. He was gentle with the tiny baby, which I wouldn’t have expected. I felt Gus put a hand on my shoulder and squeeze. The eight of us made an unusual family, but it was beginning to feel right. There was still a tension between me and Boggs and between Boggs and Gus, naturally. It seemed to be lessening with time, though.
Once we were all reorganized, we set out once again. Temperatures were now warm. I guessed it was close to seventy degrees. I kept my mind open for warning signs that the dead may be near. As we walked, following the far side of the roadway to keep out of sight, we eventually came to a large pond that could almost be called a lake. I stopped and turned toward the others, smiling.
“It’s not the dead,” I said, to keep them from worrying. “The water. Maybe we could bathe real quick?”
“It’d be nice,” said Gus. “It’s a bit cold, though.”
“Weenie,” I said. “C’mon. We’re all disgustingly filthy. We all stink.”
“Look,” said Abbey.
I followed her pointer finger to the other side of the pond.
“Houses,” I said. “I still don’t sense any dead.”
“Let’s check out the shelter first, and then we can talk about bathing in shifts,” said Boggs.
Gus took the lead, walking carefully around the edge of the pond. The shore was overgrown with long grasses and cattails, and the going was slow. I was glad he was in the lead to deal with any spiders and nasty bugs that were likely living in the vegetation. The sun was no longer overhead and our shadows were beginning to lengthen by the time we reached the small cluster of homes. They were located along both sides of a small street. They seemed out of place, settled in the middle of nowhere. The drive in must have been long, but what we could see was overgrown and went around a bend.
“Still feel clear, Zo?” asked Boggs.
“Ya.”
“Let’s all stay together, keep quiet, and look for something small and easy to secure. Nate, brother, do you need to wait here?”
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