by Katrina Liss
“Well, err...” I murmured, flustered.
“Well what...” he persisted, softly brushing my cheek with his fingers. He licked his lips in a certain way. A very slow and seductive way.
He couldn't actually be coming on to me, could he? It seemed like he was.
“Okay, I admit I've thought about it. But thinking and doing are two entirely different things. And Fin - you're gay.”
“And?”
“Well it won't work out, will it? Not with a girl.”
“I think it will work just fine. I've often wondered about us, you know? And I guess now's a good time to find out. You're special to me and I guess I'm special to you... so...”
“You're the most special person I've had in my life for a long time, but―”
“Look, I’m up for this, Kate. But if you don't, for whatever reason, it's cool. No pressure.”
No pressure? Was he kidding me? I was torn inside. I wanted him so badly; every little piece of him, all to myself. But this could very well be a one off. I didn't know if I could handle that. Or how I would deal with it afterwards, considering what he did with other men. But then again, could I handle not knowing what it would feel like to be loved completely by him? Even if it was just once.
A wonderful once is better than never, isn't it?
“Jesus...” I took a deep breath and blew out slowly. My eyes rose to meet his. Just one look in those amazing eyes and raging butterflies erupted inside my stomach. I was kidding myself if I thought I could resist him. I didn't even want to. I manoeuvred myself a little closer, with just a few inches left between us, preparing to leap off the precipice into the unknown.
I stared into his eyes, nervously. Was I about to make a massive mistake, or on the threshold of having the best night of my life?
“Don't take too long making ya mind up, will ya?” he said, with a pleading catch in his voice. I tentatively placed my palm on the warm bare skin of his shoulder. My breathing quickened pace and desire flooded through me like a raging river. All my reason and control began to disappear.
“Kiss me, Fin. Let's see what happens,” I whispered, snuggling up and hooking my leg over his.
His fingers wove through the back of my hair, cupping my head, and he brought my lips to his. As they brushed against his warmth and softness, tears pricked at my eyes. This was where I wanted to be – in Finlay's arms, kissing him. It felt so right – like I was home. I was amazed at the strength of emotion the touch of his lips evoked. I wanted that kiss to last forever.
He didn't know, and I'd never tell him, but it was actually my first ever kiss.
* * *
Before Finlay, the only experience I'd had of sex was by force. I'd felt invaded, full of hurt and disgust – outraged that someone would force me do things like that against my will and being powerless to stop them doing it. I had never realised just how good it would feel being close to someone this way, until tonight. For a long time I never thought I'd want to do it through choice, with anyone. Until I'd met Finlay.
The last few months I'd imagined this moment so many times. But it had been a hot pipe-dream, I never really expected my dream would come true. but now it had, and the reality of being intimate with him had opened up a whole new world of sensation.
We were soon naked, in a heated tangle. His tongue played with mine as his hands roamed all over my body, exploring – softly, slowly and thoroughly. Then his hand suddenly stalled on my hipbone.
“Princess, you’re so thin... Christ... I'm worried I'll break ya.”
“Yeah, the diet's working so well,” I said, suddenly feeling hurt and self conscious. “And you're thin too...” He was quite lean, but clearly nowhere near as thin as me. I shifted away from him, covering myself up to the neck with the duvet. He must have realised he'd upset me by saying that as he quickly pulled me back into his arms, brushing his fingers up and down my back.
“Sorry... look you're still beautiful and all that. Honest. It's a bit of a shock though. I never realised how skinny you are.”
“Fin, you're always joking about me disappearing!”
“Yeah. But I was just joking. Your clothes hid all your bony bits. We need to fatten you up somehow, don't we?”
“And how's that gonna miraculously happen, hmm?”
“Dunno yet, but I'm definitely thinking 'bout it, okay?” He held me closer to him and cradled me to his chest, stroking my hair.
I felt the spell had been broken, and I let out a sigh of regret. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be. But I was wrong, as moments later he started kissing me again and the heat built rapidly between us. Seconds later he slipped down the bed, his hands softly caressing me again. I arched my back and gasped out loud as his mouth captured my nipple, sucking it rhythmically. Fire ignited in my stomach and I moaned as his delicious little tugs sent pulses of pleasure to my needy centre. All my deeply repressed sexual feelings resurfaced in a blast and tears of relief and joy sprang to my eyes. It felt so good. So amazingly good. This was how sex should be. Consensual. Soft and gentle. Full of desire and pleasure.
Not like that. Never like that.
His fingers finally trailed down my stomach and into the valley below. He stroked through the wetness, murmuring.
“Oh Fin,” I whimpered. It felt like I was going to explode with need as he touched that spot with gentle fingertips. Without thought or design, strange sounds left my mouth. Sounds I didn't know I could make. Little squeaks, throaty groans and animal growls. They resonated in the air, mingling with our breathing and the rustling of the bed clothes our legs were tangled within. I shut my eyes and bright lights of pleasure flashed in my brain. My hips started to rise against his hand, seeking out more contact and more pressure. He had no idea just how much I needed and wanted this. How much all this meant to me. I'd tell him one day – maybe even today – how he was releasing me from my past. He was freeing me from the prison in my mind. I slipped my hand down his stomach and held his erection in my hand. I'd never wanted to touch that part of a man's body so much as I did then. It felt hot and smooth and so hard. I wanted it inside me badly. Based on how hard he was, I guessed he must have felt the same.
Suddenly, he drew away, extricating my hand from him, and lay back on his pillow, his arm resting across his eyes.
I leant over him, full of concern. Had I done something wrong? Maybe I shouldn't have touched him that way. “What's the matter?” I asked tentatively.
“Sorry, but I really don't think I can do this.”
”Oh.” Frustration and disappointment flooded through me like a wave. But I tried not to show it. My stomach clenched tightly. “We'll just have a cuddle then.”
He chewed at his lip, like he was battling with himself.
“It's okay Fin, really. I understand.”
He dropped his arm from his face and took hold of my hand, turning his head towards me. His expression was tense.
“No it's not okay. I've got you all worked up and horny and I've let you down, ain't I?”
“You really haven't let me down. I never expected any of this.”
“I know you didn't expect it, but I started it and it's not fair, is it?”
“I can't deny I'm disappointed...” I said honestly.
He sat up, leant across to the chair beside the bed table and grabbed a condom from his jacket pocket. Ripping the foil, and in seconds he rolled it on. I lay with bated breath watching him smooth it on himself so expertly. I tried not to think how many times he'd done this before and with whom. He turned and rolled over against me, hooking his leg over mine. Heat surged through me once more at his touch. The warmth of his body and the hardness of his erection on my stomach sent my heart pounding like a drum.
“You deserve something good tonight, and I'm gonna give you that.”
“You really don't have to. Not unless you really want to, that is.”
“It just felt strange for a second – that's all. I'm over it.” He rolled right over and positioned himself above me. I
gasped with expectation as he held his cock in his hand and prodded at my entrance a few times.
“Alright beautiful? So you want this little bit of me, do ya?” he smiled at me, widely and suggestively, his eyes crinkling up.
“Oh my God, yes....” I wanted him with every cell I consisted of.
He pushed a little harder. And that one push was all it took.
I couldn't believe the ease with which he slipped inside. So carefully and smoothly. Although it stung a little at first, the was no real pain, andhaving him inside me was the most wonderful, beautiful sensation.
It was a stark contrast to my previous experience.
But I'd wanted Finlay to do this. I'd been absolutely dying for it.
I hadn't wanted the sick, evil bastard who did it to me before.
“Oh my... oh my,” I whispered, entranced by the feelings I was experiencing, consumed by excitement and need, just about everywhere. Finlay loomed above me, like a love god, his eyes boring into mine.
“Kate...” My name sounded like the softest sigh on his breath.
“Fin...” I murmured, and writhed against him, loving the way our hipbones met, and the way heat and wetness pooled where we joined. He filled me completely, and it felt so right being full to the brim with him.
He began to move, slipping in and out, so achingly slowly. “God, I never imagined fucking you would feel this good... holy shit...”
“Yes...” I moaned. I agreed with every fucking word he said and so much more. It was so easy, so natural and so beautiful. But Finlay wasn't just fucking me. We both knew that. This was a connection on another level. This was pure heaven. And my heart fell deeper and deeper in love with him with each stroke inside me.
The world was crumbling apart. Everything was disintegrating around us. I was aware of nothing but our bodies and what we were doing. A fire could be charring us to a crisp or a tidal wave sweeping us away to drown and I wouldn't have noticed or given a damn.
I was lost in his arms.
I had never felt such bliss. Consumed by a raging hunger, and a craving for more, I surged against him. We seemed to merge, to fuse, mouths and sex, devouring each other like we were starving beasts. We swapped breath and groans and matched thrusts, building towards something we couldn't see, but could only feel. I curled my limbs around his backside and legs like vines, my hands gripping, my nails digging into his lean flesh. I didn't think, only reacted to what my body was telling me. And it was telling me I needed more. I didn't think I could ever get enough of him. Sweat slicked between us and down my sides as I lost all control, grabbing at his body with frenzied hands, nipping wildly at his lips, ears and neck with my teeth and lips. My tongue licked the salty sweat from him, savouring the taste and scent like he was a banquet to feast upon. His hot tongue probed inside my ear and shivers of pure delight cascaded down my spine.
I felt a tightening coil of pleasure building at my core. The pleasure grew from a gently rippling stream to a surging, cresting wave that was about to break into a million foaming bubbles. I was a moaning mess, unable to stop, and fast reaching the precipice. As I hovered on that point of orgasm, I didn't want it to happen. I wanted the pleasure to go on and on, for Finlay to fuck me all night, and to hang there on the edge of this sexual paradise he'd brought me to.
But it was too strong, and I couldn't contain it.
“Jesus... Fin,” I groaned.
“You coming?” he asked.
With a softly whispered, “God, oh God … yes,” I tipped over the edge.
I let the deep muscular pulsations overtake me, squeezing him inside.
Floating in my euphoria, I felt him thrust faster and harder and then he shuddered and groaned as he reached his peak, collapsing heavily on me. I took his weight gladly – joyfully even. All the air left my lungs in a gasp – but it was a beautiful smothering I wanted to last.
Neither of us spoke for a while. We just lay there, coming down from our highs, stroking each other, and gulping. I think we were both a little shell-shocked by the experience. At least I was.
“Well... we did it,” Finlay finally said.
“Yeah, we certainly did...” I whispered in his ear. “Fin, are you sure you're gay?”
“No doubts about being gay, but I liked doing that with you.”
Liked? Only liked?
I'd adored every second of it. A shiver ran down my spine. I felt so disappointed, because what we had shared had blown me away and I desperately wanted it to be just as good for him. I wanted him to tell me he didn't need men anymore. I wanted to be everything to him, to be enough to satisfy him. But who was I kidding? Did I really think one sex session with me would turn him straight somehow? Of course it wouldn't. And I had no right to expect anything more.
But whatever this meant to him, and I guessed it meant something a bit special, and I felt so much closer to him now. Close enough to share a lot more secrets than our bodies had just revealed.
It had taken a long time getting to this point, but this was something I needed to do. And I wanted to do. It didn't matter if today was my birthday.
Now was the time to share. And I felt strong enough to do it.
“Fin, I want to ask you something.”
“Go on.”
“If you tell me the answer, honestly, I'll do the same.”
“I'll have to hear the question first.”
“I want to know what happened at home, why did you leave?”
“And you'll tell me why you left home as well?”
“Yes, I will. I promise.” It wouldn't be easy, but I would. I wanted someone else to know. To offload. My mind craved to have some kind of peace.
He puffed out a long breath. “It ain't all that pretty, mind.”
“The truth often isn't.”
“Right... well here goes... I'm the product of a gang rape.”
“Oh God!”
“Yeah. Bad start, weren't it? My mum hated all men and became an alcoholic because of it. She told me loads of times she wished I'd never been born but for some reason she didn't give me up for adoption. I think she liked having me there as her whipping boy. I was someone to take all her frustrations out on. And she encouraged my sisters to think the same way.”
“What happened to their dad? Melanie and Maggie's...”
“Oh he fucked off before they were born. He had the right idea mind. I don't blame him for a second.”
“So you never met him?”
“Nah... like I said, it was torture living there with them lot. I ended up in care at fourteen – hated it in Barnardos too – got bullied and beaten up by the hard gang – I even ran away a few times. It's always been a downhill slide for me. But there’s really only one thing I regret, and that was never trying at school... I bunked off all me lessons. I really fucked up there. Anyways... after that great start in life it wasn't gonna get much better too soon, was it?” he chewed his lip rhythmically. For a moment he looked so sad and lost. I hugged him and kissed his neck, and he squeezed me tightly in return.
My heart bled for the little boy he had been. Neglected, abused and unloved. His resilience astounded me. “I'm so sorry,” I whispered, kissing his ear.
“Don't be. Not your fault, was it?”
“But I feel for you, Fin. How did you cope with all that?”
“Fuck, I dunno. You just do, don't ya? I'm over it, Kate. Honest to God, I am. It gets old being bitter about things. I was determined not to get twisted and fucked up like mum. She ruined her life hating me and I weren't gonna ruin mine hating her or anyone.” They were brave words, but I wasn't sure he was over it really. Could he ever be? I wondered how that kind of upbringing had shaped him as a man. How he really felt about himself – deep down inside? A little bit worthless, perhaps? Is that why he seemed to have no problem selling his body? There were so many more questions I wanted to ask, but I bit my tongue. Now wasn't the time to probe that deeply. He'd started to open up and that was good therapy. But there was always another da
y.
He pushed me back a little, onto the pillow and looked down at me.
“So c'mon. Why did Princess Kate leave the palace? And you've gotta tell me everythin', right?”
“It wasn't exactly a palace, Fin. The Gables was just a big house.” At the mention of that name, goosebumps rose on my arms. I shivered but tried hard to relax and let it all come out naturally – as if it were a story happening to someone else. At times it really had felt like that. It was so awful an experience that I'd pretended it was just a nasty dream. Someone else’s nightmare. Not really happening at all.
“My mum was single, like yours. My dad was a guy she met at University but it didn't work out. I never knew him. Mum and I had a good relationship. Very good. Very close. It was just the two of us until I was seven. She struggled to get by financially, but those were such happy times together.” I took a deep breath. “…And then… one day … she met Edward at a dinner party. She married him after six months. He's a partner in a legal practice in Oxford and very well off. I think Mum thought she'd won the jackpot. We both did. I had everything I could ever want. The best education. And he had connections. I wanted to get into publishing after my degree and he said he would help me. It all looked very rosy at the beginning. Mum gave her job up and kept house full time. I think he pressured her into it though. He really liked controlling people, especially her.”
“So did you get on with your stepdad?”
“We never really bonded, but I kept that to myself, because Mum seemed so happy. But then everything started to fall apart. Mum got pancreatic cancer when I was ten and after going through five years of hell, she died.” I gulped back the tears. “My stepdad started abusing me long before that. But I couldn't tell her. How could I tell my sick mum that terrible thing? I thought the shock might kill her. He threatened me, made me swear to keep it a secret or bad things would happen – to both of us. I was thirteen the first time he raped me. Mum was in hospital. He got drunk and forced himself on me on my bed.” Opening the wounds made me feel so intensely raw, like it was happening all over again. I could almost feel his hands on me; smell the stench of alcohol and cigarettes on his breath and see the glittering excitement of his grey eyes boring down from above. “After that he raped me often, whenever Mum was in hospital having her treatments. But after a while he did it when she was asleep in bed in the next room. He had his hand over my mouth so I didn't make any noise. Then afterwards, he just got up and went back to bed, with Mum. Can you imagine how that felt?”
