“I don’t want anything to eat.” I said wanting to get to the point of my visit. I didn’t like the affect that he was having on me. I’d been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of months about changes that I wanted to make within my life for myself and my boys they didn’t include a man. It was time for me to focus on being a mother and establishing some type of stability for my boys and for myself. I was getting older not younger. For years, I’d been depending on Tre and my family to take care of me and the boys. I’d even depended on Skeet at one point in time. I didn’t want to depend on anybody else anymore. It was time for me to depend on me and that is exactly what I was about to do as soon as I was able to get around without the crutches that I was using. “What did you need me to come by for?”
I watched closely as the smile faded from his face and was replaced by a serious expression. He took a sip from the glass of juice that was sitting on the table and then placed it back down next to the plate and took a deep breath. “Kish…I’m sorry for everything.”
I interrupted him because I didn’t feel that it was necessary for him to keep on apologizing over and over. “Skeet, you’ve already apologized a million times through text and on my voicemail.”
“I know that but I wanted to say it to you…face to
face.” He let me know. “Can I finish, please?”
“Yeah…”
“Like I was saying, I am sorry for everything that happened. I am especially sorry about the accident. Every time that I think about it, it nearly kills me thinking of what could have happened. Not what could’ve happened to me but what could’ve happened to you, you could’ve died that day.” He looked up at me and I saw tears in his eyes. He shook his head and ran his hand over his face. “I don’t think I could’ve lived with myself knowing that I’d been the cause of your death. I would’ve taken my own life.”
“Skeet, it wasn’t all your fault.” I said after seeing how upset he was. I could see that he really was sorry and it touched me. “I could’ve handled things differently than I did that day. It was my insensitiveness that cause you to lose it the way that you did. I never took the time to think about how my decision would affect you. At the time, I didn’t care to be honest. I was only thinking about myself and the fact that I didn’t want another child. I should’ve known that you would be upset but like I said at that time I didn’t care.”
“Yeah but I still had no right to put my hands on you. No matter how upset I was. That was no excuse.” We both got quiet for a moment and then he continued. “I have never loved a woman like I love you. I’ve loved you for a very long time now. I can remember seeing you with Tre and wishing that you were mine before anything ever happened between us. I’ve always felt like he didn’t deserve you because of all of the things that I knew that he was doing out in the streets. I would always say to myself that if given the chance, I could make you happier and treat you like you deserved to be treated. Then when I finally got that chance, I nearly killed you.” He let out a sarcastic chuckle.
“Skeet will you stop talking like you did it on purpose. It was a mistake.”
“Nah, I allowed my anger and pain to cloud my better judgment. I was so mad at you for wanting to have an abortion that I didn’t take the time to think about what might happen if we started fighting in that car while I was driving.”
“I guess we both used bad judgment.”
“Yeah…I guess we did.”
He looked over at me and asked. “Can I ask you something?”
I wasn’t sure if I should say yes but I nodded my head anyways.
“Why didn’t you want my baby? I mean, what made my baby any different from Shaun and Quan? Was it because it wasn’t Tre’s? I need to know because that has been fucking with me since the night that you told me that you thought that you were pregnant and didn’t want to keep it.”
“I didn’t need another child…we didn’t need a child together.”
He looked confused. “What? What is that supposed to mean? And why is that something that you felt like you were the only one who had a right to decide? If I remember correctly, it takes two people to lie down and create a life. So how come, only one gets to decide to end it?”
I let out a frustrated breath. “Skeet, us being together in the first place was a mistake.” I saw a pained expression take over his face. So I explained. “I should never have left Tre and ran directly to your bed. That was the wrong way for me to handle the pain that he’d caused me. I didn’t want to deal with it at that time, I wanted something to numb it, something to take my mind off of it and that something was you. You were my distraction and at the same time you were my payback. I knew that being with you would hurt Tre and that’s exactly what I wanted. I wanted to hurt him the same way that he’d hurt me by sleeping with all of those other women out in the streets and getting Lala pregnant. I wanted to show him that he wasn’t the only one who could do some foul shit because I knew that he’d never expect me to fuck with someone else. Especially not one of his boys.”
“Wooow…really? Is that really how you felt about me? That I was just some gotdamn rebound!” He roared. I’d known that my words wouldn’t be easy for him to hear but they were the truth.
“Skeet…”
“Skeet my ass, Kish!” He banged his fist on the arm of the chair, cutting me off. I was kind of glad that he was in a wheelchair because if he hadn’t been there’s no telling what he may have done to me in that kitchen. “Was I just something for you to do the first time that we fucked too? Was I just something to numb your pain then too?”
“Yeah…” I lowered my eyes feeling guilty because I’d always known how deeply that he cared for me. I’d never meant to hurt him but clearly I had.
He backed his chair away from the table and rolled towards the living room. I got up and followed him. I didn’t bother grabbing my crutches. “Just leave me alone, yo. On some real shit, you can leave because I really don’t even want to look at you right now. I’ve said everything that I wanted to say as far as me being sorry about the accident.”
“Skeet, what more did you expect? Did you honestly think that I was over Tre that quickly? Did you really think that I was in love with you or that I could be so soon after everything that had just happened between Tre and me?” I yelled after him, limping as quickly as my one good leg would carry me while trying not to put any pressure on my bad leg. “I’m not saying that I was right for how I handled the situation but stop acting like you were some clueless victim! You knew what time it was! You knew all the while how I felt about Tre and so you had to know that all of those feelings hadn’t just vanished overnight!”
He stopped and swirled his chair around to face me! “I also knew how you still kept in contact with me after the first time we fucked! How whenever we were in the same space together you would flirt with me on the low. You led me to believe that even though you were too weak to pick up and leave Tre, that you did have some kind of feelings for me deep down inside! I’m not saying that I thought that your feelings for him had all vanished but I did think that once you found out about his other family you were done and ready to move on. Ready to begin a new chapter of your life with me and finally give us a real chance because you knew that is what I wanted. You knew that because I constantly told you that! So how about you stop acting as if you didn’t know what fuckin’ time it was! You knew but your selfish ass didn’t care!”
I stood there with my mouth opened wide, shocked by the last words that he’d said. I threw up my hands. “You know what, I am not about to stand here and argue with you about who was right and who was wrong about how things began and ended between us. “We” are a thing of the past. So there is really no need for us to be going back and forth.”
“I’ll never understand how women will sit and complain about being with a motherfucka who treats them like shit, cheats and beats on them but when they find a good nigga that actually loves and cares for them they will do him fucked up.” He looked
me in my eyes. “I guess when you’re used to being treated like shit. You start to think that is the way shit should be.”
I didn’t feel like arguing with him anymore. “Good bye Skeet.” I told him turning and limping back into the kitchen to get my crutches.
“Fuck you, Kisha!” I heard him yell after me. I didn’t reply I just kept walking. I was learning that sometimes it was best to keep your mouth shut and walk away.
Lala
I walked through the house one last time checking to see if I had everything and if I’d turned off all of the appliances and lights. I was leaving, headed to Boykins. It’d been a week and a half since I’d seen my babies and I couldn’t stand not seeing them another day. The only reason that I’d waited so long was to try and allow Tre sometime to cool off because I didn’t want to fight with him once I got there. I was hoping that the two of us could possibly sit down and try to figure out some way to co-parent without things having to get ugly. The last time that I’d seen him things had gotten really out of hand. I was still in disbelief about the whole gun situation. I knew that in my heart I would never be able to look at him in the same way ever again. I’d lost all respect for him that night because he’d shown me that he didn’t have any at all for me. That had topped any and everything that he’d ever done in the past. Those things had been forgivable but him pulling a gun on me wasn’t something that I could never forgive or forget for that matter. Regardless of how mad he’d been, he still should’ve never allowed his anger to push him to that point. Not only that but I felt like he should’ve known me better than to believe that I’d ever do anything to hurt my babies. Yes, I’d made a bad decision which had led to something awful happening but he couldn’t hold me accountable for Reggie’s actions. The Tre that I’d seen looking back at me that night standing in my hallway with a gun aimed at my face, wasn’t the man that I’d fallen in love with. He wasn’t the same man that I’d gone out of my way to protect and in the process given up everything and even left my home. He wasn’t the man that I’d wanted so desperately to be with and raise my daughters with. He was someone else. It’d crossed my mind a million and one times since that night how he’d had the audacity to look down on me for not “knowing” Reggie but the truth was I really didn’t know him either and he’d proven that time and time again through his actions. He’d done some really foul shit over the past year and a half that I would’ve never expected from him, leaving me wondering if it was really safe to say that I “knew” anybody. Maybe I, like everybody else, just thought I “knew” a lot of motherfuckas but in reality only knew what they chose to reveal.
I stopped in the hallway and leaned back against the wall for a few seconds. I took a deep breath and exhaled and then I repeated the same thing once more. For some reason, I’d been having this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach since the day before and something in the back of my mind was telling me not to go to Boykins. Almost like God was trying to warn me about something but I had to go. There was no way I could continue on like this, not seeing my kids and not knowing how they were doing. I’d called numerous times to check on them but Tre ignored all of my calls. I’d thought about calling his mother and asking her how they were but I wasn’t sure of what he’d told her about the situation and how she may have felt about me at this point. I was almost sure that after hearing Tre’s version of what had happened she probably hated me too and felt that I was an unfit parent as well.
“Lord please take this feeling away. Whatever it is, I’m putting it in your hands.” I looked upward in the direction of the ceiling and whispered before pulling myself together and going back into the living room.
“Do you have everything?” Nisey asked glancing back at me as I entered the room. She was closing the blinds. She’d demanded to ride with me to Boykins and had let me know that she wasn’t taking no for an answer. She didn’t trust Tre after how he’d showed out and I didn’t either. With this bad feeling that I was having, I was kind of glad that she was going with me. Maybe her being there would help to ease my nerves some.
“Yeah, I believe that I do. Whatever I don’t have, I guess will be fine.” I said running my hand over my face. I was drained, both physically and mentally because I hadn’t had much sleep since everything that had taken place. I didn’t have any appetite at all. I missed my babies so bad that it hurt. They’d never been away from me for more than a couple hours. The past week and a half had been pure torture. The only good thing that had managed to happen was the judge had denied Reggie of a bond when he’d gone to court the week before. I was thankful for that. I hoped that they never let his no good ass out. He’d had the nerve to try and apologize when he’d seen me. I’d turned and walked off. Fuck him and his apology, certain shit was unforgivable and fucking with my babies was definitely on the list!
Nisey and I walked out of the house and I locked the doors behind us.
“Do you want me to drive?” Nisey offered as we walked towards my car. “You don’t look so good.”
“I have a migraine.” I admitted, choosing to leave out the part about the feeling that I was having. I’d taken two Aleve when I’d first woke but they hadn’t helped at all. “All of this mess that’s been going on has me stressed out something awful.”
“I know it does but everything is going to be alright.” She said sympathetically holding her hand out. “Give me the keys. I’ll drive and you can try to relax and take a nap because you are going to need to be alert once you get to Boykins. Laila and Lola are going to wear your butt out!” She giggled. I knew that she was trying to cheer me up but it didn’t work because all I kept thinking to myself was that Tre wasn’t going to make things that easy for me. Knowing him, he was going to try and show his black ass when I showed up to get my babies but it was what it was because I wasn’t leaving Boykins without my babies.
I gave her the keys and then walked around the car and opened up the door. I tried forcing a smile as I slid in on the passenger side. “Yeah…I hope so.” I replied quietly as I sat my pocketbook down next to my feet and buckled my seatbelt. I propped my arm up against the door and rested my head against my hand.
Nisey got in on the other side and buckled her seatbelt as well. “You’ll see. Those girls are going to be so happy to see you, you aren’t going to be able to put them down.” She started the car, put it in drive and drove out of the driveway.
I looked out the window and started to pray silently again. I felt like I couldn’t pray enough. Lord please don’t let this trip end up being horrible. I just want to get my babies and bring them home. I don’t want to deal with any drama from Tre, Kisha or his new girlfriend. I just want to get my babies and leave. I’ve dealt with enough drama and nonsense and my babies have been through enough as well. Please Lord, be in control of this situation and allow things to work out maturely and peacefully. Amen…
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Normally saying a prayer always made me feel better but I’d been praying all night and all morning and nothing had changed. If anything it’d gotten worse. I just couldn’t shake the bad feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach. I already knew that I was headed directly into some bullshit and the only thing that kept crossing my mind was the gun that Tre’d had that night at my house. The feeling that I had was so strong I damn near wanted to tell Nisey to turn around and let’s not go but I had to see my girls so instead of saying anything, I kept quiet and continued to pray silently.
“What’s on your mind?” Nisey inquired tearing me away from my thoughts. She reached over and turned down the radio, which had already been low to start with. Now it couldn’t be heard at all. “You are all quiet over there staring out the window. What’s up?”
“Nothing.” I lied rubbing my temples. My migraine seemed to be getting worse. The pain had become almost unbearable. I reached down and picked up my pocketbook placing it on my lap. I took out the bottle of Aleve, opened them and shook two into my hand. I closed the bottle, placed it back in my b
ag and took the water that I’d bought out and used it to take the pills. When I was done, I placed my pocketbook back on the floor.
“Try to relax and take a nap Lala that will make your head feel better.” Nisey said momentarily taking her eyes off of the road and glancing over at me. I could see concern written all over her face. “I know that a lot has happened over the past week and a half but you’ve still got to take care of yourself. Those two little girls need their mama because Tre and nobody else is going to take care of them or treat them like you do. You are a great mother and I don’t give a damn what Tre, social services or nobody else says. I’m telling you that you are a damn good mother. You made a mistake, you misjudged Reggie’s sorry ass but that doesn’t make you unfit. It makes you human. We all make mistakes and the last time that I checked there weren’t any perfect motherfuckas walking around here. So you quit all of that worrying and stressing and pull it together for them babies so that you will be feeling good enough to play with them and spoil them when you get down there. Fuck Tre and if he want to get stupid, we can do that too. We will turn Boykins out down here today!”
Hearing how she had my back brought a proud smile to my face and actually managed to ease my nerves a little. “Girl, you are a mess.” I laughed.
She laughed too. “Nah, I just don’t like seeing you like this. You are my girl, the only real friend that I’ve had in a very long time.” Her smile slowly faded and her face took on a serious expression. “I remember the day that my husband and my son died. I thought that I was going to be alone in this world because his family can’t stand me and I’m not that close with my own family. For months, I was by myself, pregnant and depressed without a soul to talk to about it except Evan. I would sit in the house and rub my belly talking to him but mostly apologizing to him for being such a fuck up. Then that day at the doctor’s office God sent you. I am a firm believer that people cross paths in life for a reason and that it’s not by mistake. You and I were both going through a rough patch in our lives when we met. He brought us together to help each other through the rough.” I saw a tear roll down her cheek and she reached up and wiped it away. Seeing her become emotional cause me to become emotional as well and my eyes started to tear up. Never taking her eyes off of the road, she continued. “The day that I gave birth to Evan, none of Johnathan’s family showed their faces and my family showed up late, after everything was over but you were right there by my side from the first labor pain until I pushed him out. I appreciate that more than you could ever know. I say that to say, you have been a good friend to me and been by my side when I’ve needed you so there is no way in hell that I am not going to be here for you. Now again…if Tre or any of his little ratchet bitches wants to get stupid, we can get stupid right along with them. I ain’t saying we gone win the battle but we ain’t going out without a bang damn it!”
Side Chic 4 (Forever Ratchet) Page 7
