by Sara Orwig
“I’ll get dressed, Nick,” she said, leaving him, feeling she couldn’t comfort him and that he probably wanted to be alone.
She showered quickly and dressed. Then she crossed the bedroom to look in on Hattie. The little girl was on her side, holding her new doll. Her pink bunny was on her other side.
Talia went back to find Nick. He was on the phone with one of his brothers.
“I’ll see you there, Blake. I’ll call Mr. Morton at the funeral home.”
She stood in the doorway, listening to him make his calls. Finally, he looked up and saw her. “I’ve talked to my brothers, also to the officials. I’ll go over to Grandmother’s now. Thanks for staying with Hattie.”
“I live here, Nick.” She crossed the room to him. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Yeah, well, thanks. It’s just too many, Talia. I feel like ripping my heart out and never loving again because it hurts to keep losing people I love. It hurts a damn lot. You might be a lot safer if you’d just stay the hell away from me.”
She felt as if an invisible wall of anger surrounded him and shut her away. If he shut her away, he would Hattie, too.
“I’m here if you want me.”
He drew her to him, pulling her down on his lap to hug her, sitting quietly holding her. “She was just so damn happy with Hattie and Hattie liked her. They would have had fun together,” he said.
“Yes, they would have,” she replied, stroking the back of his head. “At least, Nick, they got to know each other. Your grandmother got to give Hattie things that she wanted Hattie to have. We’ll have pictures of them together to give Hattie and tell her about her great-grandmother.”
“I’m glad, but that was too little, too late. There are too many losses, too many hurts. This just does it for me. I don’t want to love another person because I lose them. I have to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. You go on to bed.”
“You know I’m not going to sleep. Go to your grandmother’s. If you want me to come with you I can take Hattie. She’ll sleep.”
“No. There’s no need in dragging you and Hattie over there, and if Hattie wakes, she’ll just look for Grandmother. Aw, dammit.” He ran a hand through his tousled hair. “She was bossy and gave me a hard time growing up, but I loved the old girl and I had to admire her because she was a strong woman. If my dad was drinking when we were growing up, she’d run him off.” Nick shifted and Talia stood so he could get up.
“I better go,” he said. “This is going to be a long night. Don’t wait up. Tomorrow I’ll get with my brothers and our pastor and we’ll plan a service.”
“I won’t be asleep when you get back, so don’t worry about waking me. If you want me, come to my room.”
“Don’t wait up for me. I might stay over there the rest of tonight with my brothers,” he said as he picked up his wallet and keys from his dresser and turned to leave. Then he stopped and looked at her. “Somehow it’s impossible to imagine life without her in it. She’s been around the most and lasted the longest of any relative I’ve had.”
Then he simply slipped out the door.
* * *
Four days later Nick stood by a window in the library on the ranch. They had their own cemetery and the grave had been opened and was ready for his grandmother’s casket later today. He hurt and this loss brought back too many memories of the deaths of Regina and Arthur. He meant what he had told Talia. He intended to guard his heart, to keep from loving one more person because it hurt too badly to keep losing those he loved. He didn’t want to get any closer to Hattie and Talia. Not at this point in his life. He and Talia were committed to a marriage of convenience, but love had never been part of the deal. And he intended to keep it that way.
He thought of the nights he’d spent making love with Talia. The sexiest nights he’d ever had. They could still have that. Love hadn’t been part of it and no words of love had ever been uttered by either one of them. He just needed to keep love out of it.
What about Hattie? That little charmer could steal his heart away and make him as vulnerable to hurt as he had been over Arthur. That little son of his, who couldn’t even talk, had wrapped around his heart. He had loved Artie so much. He could still shed tears over him and he felt he would the rest of his life. The same with Regina.
He wasn’t going to give his heart to one more person, big or little. Today he better just worry about getting through the ceremony and the graveside service and then he could think clearly about those close to him in his life. Talia and Hattie. His heart would be hostage to them if he let go and loved them.
He heard voices and high heels and turned. His breath caught when Talia came through the door. She wore a black sleeveless dress with a straight skirt that ended just below her knees. She was in high-heeled black pumps. Her hair was fastened in a bun at the back of her head. She wore very little makeup and she looked gorgeous.
He missed her. Over the last few days they had avoided each other, and he hadn’t seen much of Hattie, either. She was in Talia’s arms, and when she saw him, she held out her hands and Nick took her. She smiled at him, running her small fingers over his jaw.
His eyes met Talia’s. “You look beautiful, even today.”
“Thank you,” Talia said.
“If she were here, my grandmother would give me a lecture. She’d tell me to be thankful I have you in my life.”
Gently she put her hand on his shoulder. “You’re going through a bad time, Nick. You’re tough and you’ll get through it and then life will settle back more like it was.”
He just started walking to the door. “Let’s go get this service over with.”
The service was held in the closest small town, and then the family and friends went back for the burial in the cemetery on the ranch where Nick’s grandfather, great-grandparents, an aunt and an uncle and two cousins, his mother, his first wife and his baby boy were buried. The minister spoke and then the service was over and people filed by to give Nick and the rest of his family condolences.
Talia moved out of the way with Hattie and finally they got back in the limos to go to Nick’s house for the repast. It seemed forever till everyone ate, shared memories of Myra and went on their way. Finally, long after Hattie had been put to bed, Nick’s brothers left.
Nick closed the door and faced her. “Thanks, again, for being a help. Just being here. You and Hattie were bits of cheer in an otherwise hellish day.”
She nodded in acknowledgment. “It was a nice service. Your relatives and Myra’s friends all spoke so highly of her.”
“You’ll finish Grandmother’s picture with Hattie, won’t you?”
“Of course.”
“I stopped in your studio and looked at it. It’s good. I wish she could see it because it would have really pleased her. Talia, today has been another day of pain and loss. But I want to forget it now, to kiss and make love and feel alive.” He embraced her and leaned down to kiss her, his tongue claiming hers as he held her tightly. In seconds, desperate need rose up in him and he picked her up and strode to his bedroom.
As soon as he stood her on her feet, he peeled away her black dress, running his hands over her silken skin, feeling her softness against him, wanting her with all his being. He wanted to lose himself in hot sex that drove the world away. And he could do that with her. He paused to look at her and she opened her eyes. Her lips were parted from his kiss. “You’re beautiful and you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever known. I want all I can get of you tonight because you drive away my demons and make me feel alive.”
“I want to make you feel that life is good because it is, Nick. You have to take some risks and we all get hurt, but life is good.”
“Sex with you is what’s good—more than good. I want you now.”
* * *
Nick took her in his arms and kissed her hard, and she met his need with a passion of her
own.
Unlike their other nights together, this time their lovemaking was fast. Talia let him set the pace, knowing what he needed tonight.
He shed his clothes and met her on the bed, already sheathed in protection. He moved between her legs, and as he claimed her mouth, he entered her. She wrapped her long legs around him and moved with him, holding him tightly, meeting his thrusts with her own. His hands were on her, touch making her want more, driving her closer to orgasm as she arched against him. With a hard thrust he sent her over the edge and she climaxed in a burst of ecstasy. Still, he pumped wildly, exciting her again, and in minutes she reached a second climax while he shuddered with his.
“Ahh, Nick, I love you.”
The words were out. They were spoken in the throes of an orgasm that enveloped her in rapture and sensuous pleasure. But she couldn’t take them back. Nor did she want to.
Dimly, she was aware that he hadn’t made any responding declaration of love, but that thought was swiftly gone as she relished her spectacular sexual release.
He pulled her close in his arms. Their hot bodies were damp, legs tangled, arms holding each other while he showered light kisses on her and combed her hair away from her face. “You’re beautiful, Talia. Fantastic to make love to,” he whispered. “I want you in my bed every night.”
That was as close to a declaration of love as she was going to get, she told herself. Not that she expected one, especially tonight.
Nick fell asleep quickly in her arms, and as she gazed into the darkness, she told herself that she had no one else to blame but herself. She’d cautioned herself to guard her heart, warned herself that he had a steel wall around him. But she hadn’t heeded the warnings. She’d fallen in love...but Nick only wanted sex. She wanted to share her life, but he only wanted to share his bed.
She’d gone and done the unthinkable. Now could she settle for what he offered and be happy?
* * *
Nick woke and felt the empty bed. Talia had gone to her room sometime during the night. Before, she stayed in bed with him until they both got up. What he missed was seeing Hattie. He had gotten into the habit of tiptoeing in to look at her as she slept. She was never awake when he got up and left, so he would stand at her crib and look at her, amazed she was his little girl, thinking every morning how precious she was. He had stopped going in to see her. He hurt, and loving Talia and Hattie just made his heart a hostage. Hattie hadn’t known he came in to see her in the mornings, so she wouldn’t miss him now that he had stopped.
Sometimes he couldn’t keep from thinking all through the day about Talia and their passionate, wild lovemaking, which made him long to go home and be with her.
At night he kept busy so he didn’t come home until late. He wasn’t going to get closer with Talia and Hattie. He had had so much pain and loss, he just wanted to get over the hurt and then pick up with life. Someday he might risk his heart again, but not yet. He’d heard Talia declare her love, but she had been in the throes of sex. He didn’t think she was in love with him. After all, they had gone into this marriage knowing they weren’t in love.
He wondered if he would lose Talia because of his lack of attention during the day. He hoped not. But he didn’t think he would lose her because she needed him to be a father to Hattie.
Besides, they had their nights together.
Talia could no more resist making love with him than he could resist her. When he crawled into her bed late at night or picked her up and carried her to his room, he could kiss away any slight hesitation.
He had gone over and over everything in his mind and he always came up with the same answers. For a time, he intended to guard his heart from another terrible hurt. Hattie wouldn’t miss him and he and Talia still had hot, sexy nights of passion that made them both forget everything else. Would he ever be able to let go again and love someone without fearing he would lose them, too?
* * *
Talia missed Nick—the Nick she had known before his grandmother’s demise. Since then, Nick had thrown himself into work, leaving before dawn in the mornings and not getting in until late at night. When he wanted sex, he would pick her up from her bed to take her to his, kissing her the moment she stirred and started to speak to him. Any protest she had was gone the moment his mouth, his lips, his tongue were on hers.
During the day she lectured herself because their relationship wasn’t what she wanted and he was avoiding Hattie and that hurt. But at night when he carried her to his bed, she would melt in his arms, all her arguments she had rehearsed blown to oblivion. She couldn’t resist him, and sex was as fiery and spectacular as ever.
* * *
It was the second week of August when Nick came in at half past ten and found Talia sitting and waiting for him. He hadn’t seen her for over a week and his first impression was she looked more gorgeous than he remembered. Her blond hair spilled in spiral curls around her face. She wore a plain blue cotton blouse with the first buttons unfastened, revealing the beginnings of full, soft curves and creamy skin, and he remembered exactly how it felt to fill his hands with her soft breasts.
“You’re usually not up this late,” he said. “I haven’t seen you like this. You look great.”
“No, you haven’t seen me and thank you for the compliment. I’m not sure Hattie will know you now. You rarely see her, either, Nick. You really aren’t a daddy to her any longer,” she said softly.
“I pay her bills and I know you’ll take care of her,” he said.
Guilt filled him for avoiding them, but then he thought again about the losses in his life when he’d loved someone. “I’ll come home earlier tomorrow and spend some time with her.” He knew that was what he should do.
“We won’t be here,” she said coolly. “I’m taking her to Dallas for a few weeks.”
Her words were like a knife to his gut.
* * *
He looked hurt, but she steeled herself. “I’ll get a condo there,” she told him. She’d already reached out to a Realtor she knew in the city.
“You don’t need to get a condo. You can stay at my house. You can stay at a hotel and charge it to me if you want.” He crossed the room to her, then reached down and pulled her to her feet. “Don’t go, Talia. I want you here. Both of you. Nights with you are the best. They’re special and keep me going.”
“Nick, this isn’t any way to live,” she said, aware of his warm hands holding hers, of how close he stood. Every touch was sexy and made her want his kisses, but she couldn’t live on sex alone. Outside of the bedroom he was moving out of her life. He had already gone out of Hattie’s and that was what she couldn’t take. She couldn’t risk Hattie getting hurt.
“Nick, when we decided on this marriage of convenience, I knew what I was getting into because you were clear that you were not in love with me, but you said you would love and be a dad for Hattie. You’re not being a daddy to her. You avoid her.”
“I will be a dad to her. I can come home earlier and be with you and Hattie. I’ll do that tomorrow night.”
“I don’t want just one night and then you’re gone again for the next few weeks. I know you hurt badly over Regina, over Arthur, over Myra. But loss is a part of life. You’ve shut yourself off from life, from Hattie. Hattie no longer means anything to you.”
“I feel if I give my love to anyone else, I’ll lose them, too. I can’t take any more loss. I can’t just shut off all the heartaches I’ve had.”
“No, I suppose you can’t, but Hattie is out of your life. She’s too precious for her to have that kind of father. I think for a little while we’ll stay in Dallas and let you make some decisions about what you want and who you want in your life.”
“I want the two of you. I thought I made that abundantly clear before you moved here.” He placed his hand on her waist and his other hand slipped behind her neck to caress her nape lightly. She drew a d
eep breath and tried to keep on track, to avoid letting him touch and entice her until she forgot what she had planned to do.
“I don’t want to keep on living this way, where she doesn’t even see you. Nick, life is a risk, but most people think life is worth the risks. I do. You know what your grandmother would think about you withdrawing from Hattie. She’d tell you that’s not living and it’s not doing Hattie any good. She needs a daddy in her life who loves her and helps her. I know you’ve been generous financially, but she doesn’t need your money. I’m able to take care of her without it. But it’s your love she needs. The love, the living, the willingness to take some risks because you love someone enough to do so.” She gazed into his stormy green eyes that had darkened with anger, but she didn’t care. She wasn’t going on this way and she wouldn’t let him go on this way with Hattie.
“I’ll take the limo to Dallas. I need to work out the future because I’m not coming back here to a life like this. I’ll be gone when you get home tomorrow night, but you know where to find me. And I’m not going to your room tonight. Thank you for all you did, Nick. You gave me Hattie and I’ll always be grateful for that, and for getting to know your family.”
He lowered his hands from her and for a moment he said nothing. He just looked into her eyes. “Let me know if you want or need anything.”
Then he stood up and walked away and she felt as if he were taking her heart with him. She thought about Hattie, peacefully sleeping in her little bed, blissfully unaware of the storm swirling around her and how her life would be rearranged again.
Talia gave Nick time to get to his room, then put her head in her hands and cried. She loved him and she knew he hurt, but this way of life wasn’t doing any of them any good. Losing Myra had destroyed Nick but her loss was ironic. Because his strong grandmother would have been the first to tell Nick to pull himself together and go on with living.
Talia wiped away her tears. Go on with living. That was just what she had to do.
* * *
By the end of the following week her life had been transformed again. She’d had interviews with two local colleges to teach, and both looked like promising jobs when the next school year started. Talia had enough of her own money from her parents’ insurance, and from her own savings, to care for Hattie without touching the funds Nick had provided. She used some to lease a condo near one of the colleges. She missed Nick and tried to keep busy so she wouldn’t think about him, but everything reminded her of him. Nick was a forceful person and it was impossible to just forget him. She hurt and she missed him, and sometimes she was angry that he had shut himself off, especially from Hattie. The days were tough, but she busied herself with her daughter’s care. But the nights... Nights were the worst when she wanted to be in his arms, wanted his kisses and his loving. Too many nights she cried herself to sleep, and at the same time, she hated that she couldn’t forget him.
