Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy was cuddled close to me.
She said Purdue I just love sex.
I said yeah I could tell.
Brandy said honest?
I said why of course.
Brandy said how?
I said I’m a detective.
Brandy said oh that’s right.
She said what time is it?
I glanced at the clock in the church steeple.
I said almost nine.
I said shouldn’t we see what’s happening at the dance?
Brandy said let’s go down for a few minutes.
She said if Sonia isn’t there we’ll just have to come back to bed.
I didn’t say anything.
Deep in the bowels of the old hotel male voices were singing “America the Beautiful.”
I said what’s wrong with those hoods?
Brandy said there’s nothing wrong with singing “America the Beautiful.”
The singing stopped.
It was followed by a rhythmic chanting.
Banzai banzai banzai.
Brandy said but there’s something wrong with that.
I said hell yes they aren’t even Chinese.
Brandy said Japanese.
I shrugged.
I said well whatever.
47
…growing old is painless…it’s the admitting it that hurts…
Monroe D. Underwood
The basement of the Reggis Arms was brightly lighted and decorated with streamers of red white and blue.
Some fifty men sat at tables.
No women.
Not even Mrs. Carver.
Ace Hacker waved to me.
So did Harry Jennings.
Harry’s panda sat wide-eyed at his side.
There was a small bandstand where a five-piece group played “String of Pearls.”
Brandy and I occupied a table at the rear of the room.
The band played “Amapola” and “You Made Me Love You.”
An elderly waiter came by and took our order.
He said I was at Château-Thierry during the real war.
The band played “Yours.”
“When the Lights Go On Again All Over the World.”
“Apple Blossom Time.”
Major General Howard B. Davis was introduced.
He was well into his seventies.
White-haired with waxen skin.
His bony hands trembled on the microphone.
He said I want to welcome the boys who helped make my division the best goddam division in the whole goddam army.
The band played “Beautiful Ohio.”
There was a lot of cheering and whistling.
I looked around the room.
Boys?
Had he said boys?
Balding heads.
Furrowed faces.
Sagging bellies.
My God.
All the years.
Major General Howard B. Davis waved.
Somebody helped him to a table.
He seemed like a nice little guy.
I had always wondered what he looked like in person.
The band played “Till We Meet Again.”
Brandy opened her purse and took out her handkerchief.
She dabbed at my eyes.
She dried her own.
She leaned close to me.
She put her hand on mine.
She said Purdue you’re the sweetest thing.
48
…timing is very important in sex…so is two-timing…if you don’t got the first you better not mess with the second…
Monroe D. Underwood
When we came upstairs to the lobby Myrtle Grady motioned me to the desk.
Brandy said I’ll be in the lounge.
Myrtle said Mr. Purdue a lady has been calling you for a couple of hours.
She said she wanted me to call your room but I wasn’t sure who would answer the phone.
She said I told her that you had left the hotel and that I had no idea when you’d return.
She said I hope I did the right thing.
I said Myrtle you did the right thing.
I found a pay phone and called Betsy.
I said the lady at the desk told me someone had called.
Betsy said oh I just got lonely for the sound of your voice.
I said sorry I missed you.
I said the way this thing is going I’m out more than I’m in.
Betsy said honey you sound terribly tired.
I said well Betsy I’ve been out of harness for a long time.
Betsy said when will you be coming home?
I said tomorrow evening I believe.
Betsy said are you making any progress?
I said not enough to write home about.
Betsy said I hope you haven’t met any stunning brunettes.
I said baby I’ve seen exactly four women since I checked in.
I said the lady at the desk and the cleaning woman and Captain Carver’s wife.
Betsy said that’s only three.
She said who’s the fourth?
I said just some government woman.
Betsy said what does she do?
I shrugged.
I said well she gives orders and she spends a lot of time in bed.
49
…if we didn’t have women there wouldn’t even be no sex…how’s that for logic?…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy sighed softly.
She stirred in the darkness.
A satin kitten.
She said Purdue I’m certainly enjoying your reunion.
I said I’ve made worse stops myself.
I said I wonder how this crackpot clambake is going to turn out.
Brandy said it’s going to turn out exactly the way I want it to.
She said the spadework is done and now it’s just a matter of going through the motions.
I said I certainly hope so for Grogan’s sake.
Brandy said oh that Grogan.
I said he’s had some tough luck.
Brandy said it hasn’t been tough luck Purdue.
She said it’s been utter stupidity.
She said Grogan is vastly overrated.
She said he has the physique of a rhino and the intellect of a retarded Colorado potato beetle and he’s about as subtle as a steam locomotive.
She said still he has a briefly important role to play and we’ll have to use him through tomorrow evening.
I said when do we find Sonia?
Brandy said let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.
I said Brandy have you ever been to Kaleski?
Brandy said many times.
She said recently too.
She said wait a minute.
She turned the nightstand lamp on.
She dug into her purse.
She said this is a photo of Kaleski Castle in Muddenmeier.
I looked at it.
I saw a huge white stone building surrounded by quiet countryside.
From the highest spire of the castle a simple flag of light brown and blue fluttered in the breeze.
In the distance sheep grazed on rolling green hills.
I said very serene.
Brandy said that building is over three hundred years old and it has sixty-eight rooms.
I said have you ever been in it?
Brandy said certainly.
I said I’ll bet it’s a bitch to heat.
Brandy took the picture away from me.
She said Jesus what a comment.
She said when Sonia was a little girl she played in the courtyard of that castle.
I said who took the picture?
Brandy said I bought it.
She turned out the light.
She ran an inquisitive hand over me.
She said Purdue it’s been hours.
I said my my how the time has flown.
50
&
nbsp; …sex can be overdone…the Widow Burke told me that…offered to prove it but I took her word for it…
Monroe D. Underwood
It was Sunday noon.
The rain had tapered off to a misty drizzle.
Brandy was pacing back and forth in front of the glass door.
I said don’t you want breakfast?
I said or lunch?
I said or something?
I said I mean in the way of nourishment you understand.
Brandy shook her head.
She said I’ll have a pot of coffee sent up.
She said things will start falling into place this afternoon.
She said Purdue I want you to go downstairs and do nothing.
I shrugged.
I said that’ll be easy.
I said I’ve been practicing for two days.
Brandy said just roam around and make damned sure you’re seen.
She said I’ll want you back in this room at two-forty-five on the button.
She said is that clear?
Suddenly she was crisp efficiency personified.
Her liquid brown eyes sparkled.
I shrugged.
I said you’re the boss.
Brandy smiled her wonderfully warm smile.
She said yes and hasn’t that been lucky for us?
I said oh absolutely.
I said I’m so lucky I’m too weak to stand up and you’re so lucky you walk like you’re straddling a barbed wire fence.
Brandy said the piper must be paid.
I said this particular piper is getting double time.
Brandy said yes but doesn’t he make beautiful music?
51
…oncet I met a woman what I thought I had seen before…I bought her a drink and made her a friendly proposition…oh my God it was my mother-in-law…
Monroe D. Underwood
I had an order of toast and three cups of black coffee before going into the lounge.
I took a seat on the west side of the big horseshoe bar.
The place was beginning to fill up.
The pearl-gray fedora boys were arriving in twos and threes.
I looked around for Harry Jennings and Ace Hacker.
No dice.
I saw Captain Carver.
He was riffling through a sheaf of money.
Grogan was parked in a booth.
He had a black eye and a cut on his forehead and his nose was bent.
There was a hole in the shoulder of his trench coat and his necktie was in rags.
He gave me a haggard glance.
When he finished his double vodka his hand trembled and when he went out he walked with a limp.
I ordered a bottle of Old Washensachs.
The grizzled old bartender said say did you think you knowed my wife from some other place?
I said well yeah at first but I was all wrong.
He said she was saying something about it.
He said you know I kind of got that feeling about you.
He said I also got it about that Italian guy with the big black moustache.
He said but the payoff is I got the same feeling about Myrt.
He said it seemed like I must of had some kind of dealings with her before but she says no.
I said yeah these things happen to all of us.
I said your wife is a nice lady.
He grinned.
He said Myrt’s older than me but that don’t mean nothing.
He said sometimes old Myrt acts like a regular sex maniac.
He said you ever meet a woman what was a sex maniac?
I said I’d like to meet one who isn’t.
I said I could sure use some rest.
The grizzled old bartender said cut that out.
He said now you’re bragging.
52
…oncet I knowed a feller what tried to sing tenor to "The Star-Spangled Banner"…poor devil…it was the rockets’ red glare what done him in…
Monroe D. Underwood
Cool Lips Chericola came in with his briefcase.
He said all righta mens onna you feets.
He said is singa our song before lasta lecture.
He led the singing of “America the Beautiful.”
I chimed in with the tenor on the last two lines.
Cool Lips Chericola smiled his approval.
I finished my bottle of beer and drifted out to the lobby.
I sat on a frayed couch with Admiral Yogo Takashita.
I said Admiral Takashita I certainly appreciated that poem I mentioned yesterday.
I said it was the one that went unfettered I shall rise and fly into the freedom of blue sky.
Admiral Yogo Takashita stared at me expressionlessly.
He said ah so.
He got up and walked toward the lecture room.
His samurai sword bounced on the carpeting.
I shrugged.
I found a Chicago Sunday Tribune on a table.
I paged through it.
The Chicago White Sox were trying to hire Richard M. Nixon as manager in the hope that he would be able to establish some form of détente with the rest of the American League.
The leader of Women’s Lib had just been revealed as Fidel Castro in drag.
The AFL-CIO had announced that it would unionize the Russian Army.
The government of Panama was trying to give the Panama Canal back.
Our president had made a counter offer.
If Panama would keep the canal he would throw in the Pentagon and Utah.
Terrorists had kidnapped all the honest politicians in the world.
They were holding them in a telephone booth.
They demanded the immediate release of everybody.
I yawned and looked at my watch.
It was nearly two-forty-five.
53
…Russia is where a whole bunch of hairy anarchists drink vodka and throw bombs and wave red flags and holler nyet and they can’t even pronounce each other’s names…
Monroe D. Underwood
I knocked on the door of room 306.
Not shave and a haircut two-bits.
Just rap rap rap.
Brandy said who is it?
I chuckled.
I said Boris Stranguloff the mad Soviet assassin.
Brandy said oh yes Mr. Stranguloff I’ve been expecting you.
She said watch the center of the door Mr. Stranguloff.
She said see all the pretty little holes appear.
She said hear all the big boom booms.
I frowned.
I said aw come on Brandy it’s Purdue.
Brandy opened the door.
She was dressed precisely as when I had left her.
Not a stitch.
I said I like your outfit.
I said it goes so well with your eyes.
Brandy did a little curtsy with a make-believe skirt.
She said thank you kind sir.
She said I got it cheap.
She took my hand.
She said Purdue welcome to the first half of the big doubleheader.
She led me to the glass door overlooking the parking lot.
I counted ten blue and white Chicago squad cars.
There were six or eight black Ford sedans.
I saw a pair of paddy wagons.
The lot was full of men carrying riot guns and tear gas grenade launchers.
There were a dozen more police cars out on Reggis Boulevard.
Traffic was being diverted.
The area was a vast sea of flashing blue lights.
Cool Lips Chericola and Admiral Yogo Takashita were being escorted to a paddy wagon.
The old admiral’s samurai sword clattered disconsolatedly on the cracked macadam.
The entire American True Blue Society was led out under heavy guard.
I said Brandy what the hell’s going on down there?
I said they weren’t bothering anybody.
Brandy said Purdue this is December 7th.
I said all right let’s hold a Pearl Harbor Day party.
Brandy said my God Purdue those crazy bastards were going to bomb Moscow.
She said they’d have triggered a world holocaust.
I said what were they going to drop on Moscow?
I said a bucket of antipasto?
Brandy said they were going to drop the nuclear bomb Cool Lips Chericola has carried in his briefcase for a week.
I said how were they going to get it there?
Brandy said in an airplane of course.
I said they couldn’t have sneaked through the Soviet alert system in just any old airplane.
I said they’d have had Russian fighters on their tail within seconds.
Brandy said not just any old airplane Purdue.
She said Russia has a Moscow-based trade legation in Chicago and it travels in a Russian Aeroflot plane.
She said Chericola’s boys were going to hijack it when the legation leaves for Moscow later this afternoon.
She said they’d have finished Moscow plus everything north to Fedorovshaya and south to Kharkov and east to Kazan and west to Vilayus and only God knows how much more.
She said it would have been the biggest blast in history and it would have ripped the heart and guts out of that old whore Mother Russia.
I said there isn’t a bomb that powerful.
Brandy said don’t kid yourself.
She said the United States has had an ibiothane bomb for years.
She said the damned thing is too powerful to be tested.
I said I thought they used ibiothane in purple jelly beans.
Brandy looked at me like I had just turned into a pillar of salt.
She said the world was hours away from destruction and Purdue makes jokes about purple jelly beans.
She said but maybe you have the right outlook.
She said let me tell you about ibiothane.
She said the Kingdom of Kaleski had the only ibiothane deposit on the planet and it gave up less than forty-eight pounds before it was exhausted.
She said Sonia’s governess took it out of Kaleski when she brought Sonia to America and she turned it over to our government.
She said it yielded nearly a hundred bombs and that many ibiothane bombs would blow this sick old globe halfway to Saturn.
The Reggis Arms Caper Page 8
