by Nikki Ash
“I know. I just feel bad that you’re doing everything.”
“Don’t feel bad about anything. Your job is to love our daughter and get better. Leave everything else to me. Now, how about you go pee, then you can hold Zoey while I make us breakfast?”
“Sounds perfect.”
chapter thirty-six
Cole
“I think your mom is going to come to stay with us for the next month since I need to go back to work to finish out the year,” I tell Delilah. I’ve been home with her since Zoey was born, but I need to go back so I don’t lose my job as well as my insurance for the baby.
“That would be good,” she says. She’s laying across the couch with her eyes closed. She’s not feeling well today. Some days it’s as if she isn’t fighting a life threatening disease, but other days such as today, we’re reminded she is indeed fighting for her life.
“I hate that you have to bring her to the doctor for her checkup without me,” Delilah pouts, noncommittally. It’s been six weeks since Zoey was born and Delilah started her chemotherapy. Her body is fighting it, and she’s weak, which means she can’t be in public, especially a doctor’s office with a million kid germs. It’s a small sacrifice to make so that she can get better for our daughter, but I know she’s struggling. Even if she could go, she’s not up for it today. She spent yesterday at the hospital having poison injected into her veins, and it’s hitting her hard. This is the third round of chemo and she’s struggling, but she’s trying to stay positive. She just feels like she’s missing a lot.
“We’ll be home in a couple hours, I promise.” I give her a kiss on her forehead, then I hand Zoey over to her so she can say goodbye to her before we go. She opens her eyes and love shines through as she says bye to our daughter.
“Be good for daddy, precious,” Delilah coos. “I love you.”
Zoey and I get to the doctor’s office and we’re seen almost immediately. The nurse weighs her in at eight and a half pounds and says she’s grown another half inch since birth. I undress her down to her diaper, which pisses her off, and the pediatrician comes in a few minutes later. She checks her out and tells me all the shots she’ll be getting. The nurse comes back in, pricks the hell out of my daughter, making her scream, then smiles and tells me I can schedule the next appointment in the front. I refrain from telling her to go fuck herself as I imagine shoving a needle up her ass.
On our way home, I text Delilah to ask her if she needs or wants anything, but she doesn’t respond, so she’s probably sleeping. I hate what she’s going through. I hate the way the chemo drags her down, making her feel sick and exhausted for days at a time, and I really fucking hate that it’s ruining her experience as a first time mom. Wanting to cheer her up, I see a floral stand and stop to get her some flowers.
“Delilah, we’re home,” I call out as I place Zoey’s car seat on the coffee table. Not seeing Delilah on the couch, I figure she’s taking a nap in our room, but when I walk inside, she’s not there either. I check the bathroom and the nursery, trying not to panic, but she’s not anywhere. Then I head outside onto the roof patio and find her laying on the lounge chair. Her eyes are closed, and I take in a deep breath of relief. She must’ve come out here for some fresh air and fell asleep.
But as I get closer, I notice her face is pale, and her lips are blue. “Delilah!” I yell, running over to her. I shake her several times but she doesn’t wake. “Delilah! Wake up!” I scream, but her lids stay closed. Pulling her lifeless body into my arms, I fall onto the cement and check for a pulse. There isn’t one.
“No. No. No! Wake up!” I yell, but she doesn’t move. Her body is still. With shaky hands, I pull out my cell phone and call 911. “I need an ambulance.” I rattle off our address and quickly explain she has cancer and isn’t breathing. The emergency operator walks me through how to do CPR, but I know it’s too late, so instead I just hold her in my arms. She’s warm from the sun beating on her for god knows how long, but the longer I hold her, the colder she gets. “Dammit, Delilah,” I cry. “Please don’t leave me. Please,” I beg. My face rests into the crook of her neck, my eyes squeezed shut as I inhale her scent, wishing for this to be a nightmare. I’m going to open my eyes, and she’s going to be awake. Only when I reopen them, she’s still lifeless.
Several minutes later, the EMTs show up. They ask me questions I have no patience to answer, and then they tell me they’re taking her to Texas General Hospital. Robotically, I call Summer and ask her if she can watch Zoey. She tells me she’ll meet me at the hospital. On the way, I call Delilah’s parents. Her mom cries and eventually her dad gets on the phone and says they’re on their way. Just as I’m pulling in, I call Xander.
“Cole, how are you?” he answers, and I choke up. I can’t get the words out. Why is it so much harder telling Xander? “Cole? You there?”
“She’s gone.” My voice is nothing more than a whisper, the gigantic lump in my throat preventing me from speaking louder.
“What do you mean she’s gone?” He asks, his words coming out slow.
“I came home, and she wasn’t breathing. I’m at the hospital now.”
“I’m on my way,” is all he says before he hangs up.
Grabbing Zoey’s car seat from the back, I make my way through the front doors. Summer comes running over and pulls me into a hug. “Are you sure, Cole? Are you sure she’s gone?”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I choke out. I hand the car seat over to her and walk up to the front desk. “The ambulance brought in Delilah Cross. She wasn’t breathing.”
The woman types in something on the computer then says, “I will have a doctor come out to see you as soon as we know anything.” And while I know it’s not her fault—she’s just saying what she’s supposed to say—right there in front of her desk, I lose it.
“As soon as you know anything? What do you need to find out? I just told you she wasn’t breathing! She’s dead! Delilah is dead!” I scream. “Are they going to bring her back to life? Do they have some magical fucking powers in the back? Because if they do, why the hell didn’t they use them on her before? Huh? You know, when she spent the last twelve years fighting the cancer!”
“Sir, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” The elderly woman shakes her head. “I’m so sorry.”
“Cole.” I hear my name being called, and when I turn around, I see Dr. Morton standing in the doorway. His face says it all. He’s seen her, and she really is gone. No magical powers in the back, no nightmare to wake up from. She’s fucking gone.
“What happened?” I demand.
“We’re looking into it now to determine the cause of death,” he says. “I’m so sorry, son.” He pulls me into a hug. “I know it won’t make a difference, but I’ll get answers for you.”
“Cole!” I turn around, and Joanne and John are running through the front doors. “No, please no,” Joanne cries. “I need to see my baby,” she yells at Dr. Morton.
“Joanne, I just came from back there. She’s gone. Are you sure you want to see her like this?”
“I-I need to. I talked to her today! She was alive and laughing. I swear she was.” She nods her head like she’s trying to convince herself and everyone around her that Delilah is still alive. Her gaze goes to me, and with devastation pouring down her face, she says, “Cole, I don’t understand. She was alive.” And suddenly I’m just so fucking pissed that I left her at home.
“Dammit!” My fist goes through the concrete wall. “I shouldn’t have left her! I took Zoey to the doctor. Fuck!” I punch the closest thing to me—a vending machine—and the glass shatters everywhere.
“Cole, Joanne, let’s move this out of the waiting room.” Dr. Morton guides us to a private room. “If you would like to wait here, I’m having the medical examiner examine Delilah right now to determine what happened. Give me a little while, and I’ll be back.” He turns to Joanne. “And if you still want to see her, I’ll bring you back.”
He leaves the room, and Joanne asks, �
�Where’s Zoey?” Suddenly realizing she’s not here.
“Summer took her.”
The three of us wait in the tiny room for I don’t know how long. None of us cry or speak. We just sit and wait. My mind replays this morning over and over again. Was there any signs of this coming? What if I wouldn’t have left her? Did she know she was going to die? Eventually Dr. Morton returns and the look on his face tells us Delilah is in fact dead.
“We’ve determined she died of a heart attack.”
“A heart attack?” Joanne cries. “But she’s so young.”
“She’s had cancer several times and has been on so many medications. Everybody’s body reacts differently. According to the examiner, Delilah’s arteries had severe blockage. It’s common in patients with recurring cancer. I’m so sorry. Her heart just couldn’t handle it.”
Her heart couldn’t handle it...how ironic is that. The woman with the biggest, most selfless heart dies because her heart was too weak.
chapter thirty-seven
Cole
I’m sitting in the front row of the funeral home where Joanne insisted I sit. Next to me, she’s holding my daughter. Zoey is crying, and everyone is staring, but I don’t have it in me to do anything about it. The truth is she sounds how I feel: a mixture of pissed off and devastated. The pastor is speaking, but Zoey’s cries are getting louder, and soon nobody will be able to hear what he’s saying. She shouldn’t even be here. It’s not like she knows why we’re all here. She doesn’t know her mother is dead and never coming back. Or maybe she does know. Maybe she senses her mother is gone, and that’s why she’s crying.
“Do you want me to bring her outside?” Xander leans over me and asks Joanne, but she shakes her head no. She’s been staying at the condo the last few days while they plan the funeral. They’re sleeping in my old room while I sleep on the couch since I refuse to sleep in Delilah’s room.
“Are you sure?” Xander asks again.
“Are her cries disturbing your service?” I ask way too loudly, and everyone’s gaze hits us. “I don’t even know why you’re sitting over here. It’s not like you came around at all the last few years.”
“Cole, don’t go there,” Xander whispers. “I can smell the alcohol on your breath. Don’t ruin this service.”
“Don’t ruin this service? Really?” I scoff. “What’s going to happen if I do? Newsflash! Delilah is dead! She’s been cremated, and she’s now nothing more than ashes in a fucking can. The only reason we’re all here right now is for ourselves. She’s already gone!” I stand and look around me. I see the sympathy and pity in everyone’s eyes, and it makes me sick. I don’t deserve it.
“C’mon, man, let’s go.” Xander grabs me by my arm and pulls me out of my seat and down the aisle until we’re outside. It’s dark out now. The moon is huge, and the stars are shining. Just like Delilah loved. I fall onto the bench, and Xander sits down next to me.
After a few minutes of us sitting in silence, and me realizing I was an asshole to say the shit I said in there, I say to Xander, “Fuck, I shouldn’t have lost it in there.”
“It’s to be expected.” He gives me a sad smile.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”
“It’s all good. Say whatever you need to. You were right. I was gone for three years. That’s on me.”
“I don’t think I can do this,” I admit.
“Do what?” Xander asks.
“Live without her.”
The rest of the funeral goes smoothly. Joanne gets up and reads a poem, and John says a few words about his daughter. When it’s over, we move to another room where food is served and everyone socializes. After the third person comes up to me and says they’re sorry for my loss, I’ve had enough. Since I came in the same vehicle as Joanne and John, I call for a Lyft.
“Where you heading?” the driver asks.
“Pick a bar, any bar.”
He drops me off at some hole-in-the-wall shady looking place, but I don’t give a fuck. As long as it has booze, I’m good. When I walk in, country music is pumping through the speakers. It’s a Monday evening, so the place isn’t busy. I grab an empty stool and order a double shot of Johnnie Walker. The bartender delivers it, and I down the shot and order another one. After the third one, she brings the bottle over.
“You driving?”
“Nah, just keep ‘em coming.” I throw my credit card down onto the bar top.
“Want to talk about it?” she asks, pouring me another shot. She places the glass in front of me and shoots me a flirtatious wink.
“Talk about what? How the mother of my daughter died a few days ago from a heart attack after having cancer for more years than not? Or how about we discuss how she was my best friend who turned into my girlfriend, yet I spent the majority of my time fantasizing about someone else? You sure you want me to talk?”
The bartender leans her forearms against the bar top. “And let me guess, you feel guilty?”
“Fuck yes, I do!” I throw a shot back. “But it’s pointless. She died before she could even be loved properly. She wasted the little bit of life she had on loving me.” The bartender pours me another drink, and I down it, attempting to numb my mind and heart with the alcohol.
“This other woman you fantasized about...did you cheat on your girlfriend with her?”
I laugh and shake my head. “Him,” I say, correcting her. “I Fantasized about our best friend who is a guy...and ready for the punchline?” I ask. “The three of us slept together for several years.” Then I laugh even louder when her eyes go wide in shock.
“I think you might need something stronger.”
“Tell me about it. Like I said, keep ‘em coming.”
chapter thirty-eight
Xander
“I don’t know what to do,” Joanne says softly. “I’ve lost Delilah, and now it feels like I’m losing Cole. He’s drinking a lot and won’t take care of Zoey. He rarely ever comes home. I have no clue where he’s going, but I can’t keep doing this. John wants me back home. If something doesn’t change soon I’m going to have to petition the court for temporary custody.”
I should’ve known Cole was going to spiral. When I called him the night of the funeral, after he left, the bartender answered his phone and said he was passed out drunk. I picked him up and brought him home. He refused to go to the room they shared, though, passing out on the couch instead. I wanted to stay with him, but with our team in the playoffs, I had to get back. I had already missed two of the semi-final games, and I’m contractually bound to play. Joanne told me she was going to stay with Cole and Zoey at the condo until he gets his shit together, so I assumed she would have things under control. We’re all devastated that Delilah passed away, but the truth is, nobody loved that girl as much as Cole did. She was his entire world. Every decision he ever made was for her and because of her. If you’d asked her, though, she’d have told you something different. My thoughts go back to the evening of her baby shower. The night I found out Cole and Delilah were no longer a couple. We sat outside on the roof patio and, even though I didn’t want to hear it, she gave me a piece of her mind.
“Cole and I aren’t together,” Delilah admitted. “We broke up before I found out I was pregnant. Want to know why?” Before I could answer, she continued. “Because while he was having sex with me from behind, he called out your name. Now, it’s time we talk. And before you say a word, what I mean is, I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen.” I was in such fucking shock from what she just said I couldn’t have interrupted her if I wanted to. Cole called out my name while having sex with Delilah? It didn’t make any sense.
“I saw it the first time we were together,” Delilah admitted. “I was watching the two of you, and you were watching each other. I don’t know when or how your feelings grew to be more than friendship, but I know when I realized it. That very first time.” I knew back then my feelings for Cole, but I never imagined in a million years he felt the same
way. I’d seen him slowly developing what I thought were feelings for me over the years, but he’d never admit to them and he sure as fuck would never act on them.
“I’ve sat by and watched you two dance around each other for years, and if I’m honest, at first I didn’t point it out because I didn’t want to lose either of you.” She shrugged. “I’m sorry for that. If I could go back and do things over again, I wouldn’t have been so selfish. It’s just that you and Cole were all I knew. I couldn’t remember a time when I didn’t have you both protecting and loving me, and I was scared to lose that feeling of security when, for the majority of my life, I felt like I was stuck in a tornado, and everything was out of my control.”
“Cancer or not, you were never a burden or an obligation. We were with you by choice. We love you and always will.”
“I know, but it’s a different kind of love. When I pushed you guys together, I thought you guys would finally admit your feelings, but I didn’t know Cole made some stupid promise to his mom.” She rolled her eyes. “And then you made me promise not to say anything to him. When you left, he lost it, Xander. He turned to drinking and sank into depression. I shouldn’t have let him use me to get over you, but I didn’t know what else to do. He was hurting and, just like all the times you two made me feel better, I wanted to make him feel better. I allowed us to live in denial for too long, but when he called out your name, I knew I needed to do something.” She sighed. “But then I found out my cancer was back and that I was pregnant.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered. Cole will never see me in his future as anything but a friend he’s attracted to. He won’t allow himself to go there.”
“Well, then you need to fight for him, Xander. Promise me. Promise me that once I’m out of the picture you will fight for him.” I couldn’t imagine Delilah ever being out of the picture, especially with them expecting a baby, so I did what I always did when it came to Delilah...I gave her what she wanted.
