by Alyx Shaw
Nathan didn't react to Andrew's presence at first. Then he said quietly, "It's my fault. I killed Horse."
"No, you didn't. The feed was bad. That was what killed Horse."
"No. I did it."
"Nathan you did not kill Horse, you loved him."
"I know. And I told him. I whispered it in his ear that night. That's why he died."
Andrew gave him a puzzled look. "I don't understand."
"Oh come on, Andrew, have you ever noticed that no one around here uses the 'L' word for anything other than beer and cheese? Because everything we love dies." Nathan stared down into the empty paddock. "That's why... I can't ever tell you. And why I can never let you stay the night."
Outside there was a brief flash of lightning. Eventually there was thunder. The storm was far away, muted and dull, as everything had been of late. Did Nathan really think everything he loved was going to be taken from him in some brutal way? Is that why Nathan never let him stay the night, never gave him more than the merest hints of affection? It made sense. It was not as if Nathan's life had been filled with warmth. Andrew reached out to touch Nathan's hair.
"Can I assume that means you... dislike me a great deal?"
A slight smile crossed Nathan's face. "Yeah. Might even be complete loathing."
Andrew smiled, closing his eyes as Nathan lowered his head so their brows met, feeling a weight lift from his chest, replaced by a joy that made him want to sing.
"I was afraid I didn't mean anything to you," Andrew said softly.
"No. You mean a lot. That's why I couldn't tell you. I was... well... scared you'd go. Leave. Be killed. Something."
"I would really like to stay the night."
"I can't let you do that."
The lightning flashed, and Andrew was startled by the brief image of a huge horse in the paddock, mane and tail blowing, gazing back at the window.
"Is that? I mean... did I just see...?"
"He's out there every night," said Nathan.
The lightning flickered again, but this time all Andrew saw was empty paddock. He was not a man given to such things as fancying he saw phantom horses, but he was certain he'd seen Horse. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the concept when Nathan spoke again.
"I think he's mad I got him killed."
"Nathan you did not kill Horse. You loved him. I would even go so far as to say you gave him the happiest eighteen months of his life."
"But he's still dead."
Andrew took Nathan's head between his hands, looking up at him. "He's dead because the processing plant let rat poison get mixed in with the grain. Horse was not the only animal who died as a result. A lot of other people out there right now are grieving horses and ponies."
"But it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't..."
"It's not your fault."
Andrew hated seeing Nathan like this, looking defeated and sad. The lightning snapped like a silent whip of light, once more, and this time there was thunder. The storm was moving closer. Again Andrew swore he saw the shaggy form of a great horse in the paddock, tail blowing listlessly in the hot wind.
"Then why is he still out there?" asked Nathan.
'He's not out there, because there are no such things as ghosts.' Andrew gently pulled Nathan's long auburn hair. "Maybe he's worried about you blaming yourself."
"I shouldn't have told him. I'm never telling anything ever again." He looked at Andrew and said quietly, "Especially not you."
Andrew smiled. "I suppose I can live with that."
"Yeah, well, that's kind of the idea."
The rain started to fall. Nathan edged closer to Andrew and kissed him. "I would like you to stay the night. I'm just... y'know, not sure it's a good idea."
"Well, why don't we try it anyway?"
"And what if you end up, uh, standing in that paddock, staring at me?"
"It won't happen."
The lightning sparked across the sky.. From the corner of his eye, Andrew swore he caught a brief image of Horse prowling the edges of the paddock.
"You think he really is worried?" asked Nathan. "Not angry?"
"Yes. I do. And I think once you forgive yourself then... he'll go on."
"Think he might, like, come back and visit?"
"If you want him to."
The thunder boomed quietly. Nathan turned from the window to face Andrew, drawing him close.
"What do I do if...?"
"I die?"
"Yeah."
"Oh." Andrew stroked the long dark hair. "Well, I suppose that's really up to you. Personally, I would like to see you go on and enjoy life. And even if I do spend the night, and for some reason drop dead, it's still not your fault. Okay?"
Nathan didn't look convinced, but nodded. "I guess... I should maybe think about leaving this room."
"Well it's either that or let Adalwolf take over vocals."
Nathan smiled slightly. He stroked his hand over Andrew's hair. He seemed to ponder something, then finally asked, "Would you want to spend the night?"
"I would l--"
Nathan raised a hand to Andrew lips, stopping the word. Andrew smiled and lightly bit the finger. "I mean I would absolutely hate it."
"Good. 'Cause I'd hate it, too."
Nathan kissed him gently, and began slowly undressing him. They fell back to the huge bed, peeling off the rest of their clothes and slipping under the covers. Nathan drew Andrew close and kissed him, trailing large hands over Andrew's small, powerful body.
"Where do you get all these muscles from?"
"Mail order."
Nathan paused and thought about that. Andrew sighed, then laughed. "I work out, twice a day. I'm up every morning at six, before you are even breathing."
"On purpose?"
"Well, it's the only time I have when I don't have other things to do."
"That's harsh. Couldn't you like change the schedule?"
"Now why would I do that?"
"Well, maybe I could join you."
"Don't you work out?" Andrew trailed a hand over Nathan's muscled arm. "You're not exactly a marshmallow yourself."
"Yeah, but I work out in the evening. Hate getting up early."
"Well, here's a thought," said Andrew. "How about if you join me in the evening, after dinner?"
"I could do that." Nathan ran his hand over Andrew's hair. "Y'know, you should grow your hair out, put it in a ponytail. You'd be cute... er."
"You think? Maybe I will."
Nathan kissed him, then admitted quietly, "I did write one song. But I don't think I'll show it to anyone."
"Why not?"
"Well, uh, it's... not my usual style. It's about Horse."
"Well, you don't have to show it to anyone. It was probably catharsis."
"No, actually it was pretty good."
Andrew grinned. "I mean you were probably venting your feelings."
"Oh. Yeah, I guess I was. I might show someone. Someday. I don't know yet."
"It's up to you."
"Yeah. Well. I'll think about it."
Nathan kissed him, ending the conversation. Outside the rain fell gently, washing the dry summer dust from the air, sweetening it. The thunder rumbled quietly, without threat. Nathan slowly nibbled and kissed and licked his way down Andrew's body.
"I'm glad you're staying. You're just so fucking cute when you're ready to, you know. Like you don't know what to do with yourself."
"I usually don't," said Andrew. "I'm a bit of a control freak." Andrew jumped as a warm, wet tongue slowly explored him.
"I hadn't noticed," said Nathan. "I mean, apart from the way you, like, obsessively lace your shoes, or line up your pens so they all face due east."
"Nathan are you being smart with me?"
"I doubt it." He moved up to lie over top of Andrew, kissing him softly, then toying with his hair. Andrew draped his arms around Nathan's neck.
"So do you hate me?" Andrew asked.
"Yeah. I really hope you hate me, to
o. At least enough to put with my crap."
"So long as you don't make me sleep alone anymore."
"No. I won't. I just couldn't risk... I mean I'm still not sure this is a good idea." Nathan lowered his head and kissed Andrew. "But not having you here... I didn't like it. And I didn't like knowing you were hurt. I don't want to hurt you." He trailed his hand over Andrew's cheek. "Are you sure I didn't kill Horse?"
"Positive."
"Well, I still don't think I'll risk saying that."
"You don't have to tell me. You can just show me."
"Yeah," said Nathan quietly. "I think I can do that."
Nathan kissed him gently, and a peace settled over the room, broken only by the quiet sounds of love-making. Outside the storm continued to dampen the earth, the rain tapping against the partly open window, dripping down onto the sill. Down in the paddock a great shape stared up at the window for a while, then turned and walked into the closed stall, and did not return.
End
If you liked this book you might like: A Strange Place in Time and Road Trip, both by Alyx J Shaw
The Thunder-Horse
Copyright (c) 2010 by Alyx Shaw
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Printed in the United States of America.
Torquere Press, Inc.: Sips electronic edition / November 2010
Torquere Press eBooks are published by Torquere Press, Inc., PO Box 2545, Round Rock, TX 78680
