Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  “Major Nitin and his men.” She was sitting on the bed. Just sitting. Not pacing, not lying down, not wringing her hands, and, key point, not trying to get away. Just sitting.

  “Ah, Audrey, did Randolph actually program you to do whatever a man said?”

  “Oh, no, Captain. I have complete free will.”

  “Then, uh, why didn’t you free will yourself out of here? I’m just guessing, but I’d bet you’re a lot stronger than I am, potentially able to break down the door.”

  She nodded. “Yes, Captain. I am. However, they told me they’d hurt Randolph if I tried to escape.”

  Ah, what he hadn’t programmed her for was how to tell when the risk to reward ratio was worth it. There probably wasn’t a lot of self-preservation in Audrey, either.

  “Okay. Where’s Slinkie?”

  “I don’t know, Captain.”

  “She’s not here with you?”

  “No, Captain.” Audrey looked around. “It’s not a large room.”

  “I just thought I’d be finding Slinkie in here, that’s all.” My brain was registering that Audrey was the thing Nitin wanted to keep his eye on, and, presumably, what my mysterious friend wanted me to get out of here. “Can you track the others?”

  “Oh, yes, Captain. Randolph gave me programming so that I can find any of you when I need to.”

  “Audrey, we need to. I want to get the others and get out of here.” She shook her head. “I can’t leave. If I leave, they’ll hurt Randolph.” “I’m the captain, right?” She nodded. “I’m also Randolph’s friend.” She nodded again. “I’m also more experienced than you. Audrey, they’re going to hurt Randolph if we don’t get him and get out of here. They’re going to hurt Slinkie and the Governor, too. I don’t care what they told you, they’re lying.”

  “They said they would torture and kill all of you if I didn’t cooperate.” Still said in that calm and cheerful way.

  “Audrey, Randolph said you have feelings. Is that right?” She nodded. “Need to ask you a personal question. Do you actually feel as calm and cheerful as your voice would indicate?”

  “No, Captain. I would like to cry and scream, but Randolph didn’t allow for that in my programming.”

  “Really. Well. We’ll talk to him about fixing that. Once we save him and the others. Okay?”

  “I’m afraid.” This was the first time I’d ever heard someone say that phrase with this much calm happiness in their voice. At least it was bothering her as much as me.

  “I know. Me too. A little. But, you have to trust me. If Nitin wants you, then we need to ensure he doesn’t get to have you. Okay? I’m saying this as the captain.”

  “Yes, Captain. Randolph did program me to consider you the leader and therefore to follow your instructions as long as the odds of them causing greater harm than they were solving were not over seventy-five percent.”

  “Where’re we at?”

  “About seventy percent.”

  “Great! Now, we’ll talk to Randolph about that pesky twenty-five percent later.” All I needed, an auto-help copilot who was going to second guess me at every turn.

  “I have already made adjustments, Captain. I have run all history, and your odds of success are normally ninety-five percent, particularly when doing something considered dangerous and foolhardy.”

  I was impressed. “Great. So, let me know when we’re dealing with that rare five percent. Otherwise, let’s get out of here and find the others.”

  “I am happy to.” She cocked her gleaming head at me. “Would you like to clean up before we go?”

  Took a look in the mirror. “Huh. Yes, thanks.” I washed the dirt and dust off my face and hands while Audrey did some very fast cleanup on my clothes. “How are you doing that?”

  “I have a small but powerful vacuum in my right arm.” She showed me. Her wrist was bent in a way that, had she had bones, would have indicated she was never going to play the xaxachord again. Her forearm was hollow and she was using it to suck the dirt off me. She finished, emptied the dirt into a wastebasket, then closed her hand and arm back together. I couldn’t find the seam.

  “Amazing. Once we’re safe, I’d like a full run down of your capabilities.”

  “Of course, Captain.”

  I handed her the system tracker. “I’m hoping one of those capabilities will let you tell us where the others are.”

  Audrey nodded. “Yes.” She took it and twitched. I got the impression she was hooking into it. “They are all together.”

  “Great!”

  “They are also on this level.”

  “Even better!”

  “They are scheduled for termination in ten minutes.”

  CHAPTER 26

  “Moving out now, Audrey.” I went to the door. It locked from the inside. “Audrey, you’re not really a prisoner, did you know that?” I listened at the door. No sounds and no gray dots on the system tracker. I unlocked the lock, turned the handle and opened the door.

  Nothing happened, so I opened the door wide and stuck my head out into the corridor. No one there.

  “I was told to stay and wait, Captain.”

  “Audrey, if you have free will, I hope that means you can start adapting a lot of your programming on your own. Start with the fact that most if not all humanoids are lying sacks of excrement. Add in the idea that someone who threatens you in this way is probably not only an aforementioned sack but also planning to use you for his own nefarious plans. And then add in whatever quality it is I have that keeps me and our crew alive.”

  “You think like the sacks of excrement but you are actually a noble person.”

  We stepped out into the corridor. “Noble? Ah, not so much, no. We’ll work on your comprehension program, too.”

  “You are trying to save the others instead of just yourself. You saved Slinkie at great personal risk and you do not take advantage of her even though you could. You take care of Randolph even though he failed at the Space Academy and should, by rights, be working in a Thurge power plant. You protect the Governor when others would have abandoned him. And you treat me as human even though it bothers you that I am not.”

  I didn’t like that Audrey could pick that up. “Whatever. My supposed nobility aside, you need to lead the way, fast, to where the others are. And, how are they going to be terminated, can you tell?”

  “Lethal gas.”

  “Run fast, break down their door, or whatever you need to do to get them out of there safely, I’ll catch up.”

  Audrey took off. I’d guessed right—she was able to move faster than a human. As I pounded down the corridor after her, I considered why Nitin wanted her. Didn’t have to think long. Reverse engineer her and you had the makings for the greatest army in the galaxy. If Randolph had put skin on her and allowed her to sound like a human instead of an automated response unit, it would be close to impossible to tell she was a Sexbot. Figured I needed to have that talk with Randolph sooner as opposed to later.

  Found Audrey at the room at the end of the corridor. She was pounding on the door, but it wasn’t doing anything. “Reinforced steel, but I think it has an iron core, Captain.”

  Tried the door handle, just to be sure. Nope, sadly, the others hadn’t been left on their own recognizance. Figured our team’s luck was out. I pulled out my lock picks. Unfortunately, I wasn’t looking at a Bulldog. I was looking at a Dragon. Dragon locks were considered impregnable. They weren’t, but they took longer. A lot longer.

  I started the process. It took a lot of concentration, but I’d learned to pick locks before I’d met Randolph, and Dragons were always the test someone threw at you whenever they wanted to make you look bad. For some reason, a lot of people had wanted to make me look bad over the years.

  “Three minutes left, Captain.”

  “Should be done in two, two and a half. Two and three-quarters, tops.” I raised my voice. “Get ready to hold your breath!” Wasn’t sure if my voice could to carry into their containment unit through t
he airtight door, but figured it was worth a shot.

  “Two minutes.”

  “Thanks for the extra pressure, Audrey.”

  “One and a half minutes.”

  “Shut the hell up, Audrey.”

  I was on the last tumbler. Always the hardest. Always made with a little quirk that would cause you to take extra time. I forced myself to slow down and relax. Stress wasn’t your friend when it came to picking a Dragon.

  “Forty-five seconds.” Apparently Audrey couldn’t resist adding on the extra pressure. No problem. Slinkie was behind the door, meaning I had the best incentive in the world to remain calm and get it open.

  I was at the quirk and now came the real test. Dragons had infinite quirk options. Part of being able to pick them successfully was based on the lock picker’s ability to guess the quirk. Considering where we were, what this door was being used for, and what planet and planetary system it had been created for, I went with the idea that it would require muscle. Leaned on the pick and slammed the door handle at the same time. It didn’t open. But it didn’t relock, either.

  “Ten seconds.”

  “Audrey, stop counting and come here. I’m going to move the pick and when I do, I want you to slam the door handle with the palm of your hand, as hard as you can. Ready?”

  “Yes, Captain. Five seconds.”

  “Now!”

  CHAPTER 27

  I moved the pick and Audrey slammed the door knob. The door opened. I would have been relieved, but we still had to get away before the lethal gas started.

  Happily, all three of them were in this room. Naturally, they were trussed up. Audrey and I ran in. I grabbed Slinkie, she grabbed Randolph and the Governor, and we raced back outside. I slammed the door behind us, just as I heard a hissing sound start.

  Didn’t take the time to untie them. I ran down the corridor and Audrey followed. I went back into the room Audrey had been in. Everybody in, locked the door and braced it with the bed. Audrey helped. Then and only then did we untie the others.

  They looked mussed up and shaken, but no worse for wear. “How the hell did all of you get arrested?”

  “Nitin waited until Bryant left to follow you, and then the rest of his men turned their lasers on me and the Governor and said we should come along or die.” Slinkie sounded angry, but she was trembling. I put my arm around her, just to make her feel a little safer.

  “I got arrested after I lodged a complaint about all the crap being put onto our ship.” Randolph sounded furious. “This planet’s gone bad since we were here last.”

  “I believe the pirate armada has something to do with it.” The Governor sounded a little shaken.

  “You okay?”

  He shot me an icy glare. “I’m in no worse shape than Randolph or Miss Slinkie.”

  “Good to know. Then you’ll be up for a nice crawl through the ventilation system.” I got dirty looks from all of them, other than Audrey. But I suspected she wanted to give me a dirty look and just wasn’t programmed to be able to do so. Yet. “Randolph, I want some programming improvements made to Audrey, sooner as opposed to later.”

  “Yeah, Nap, I think you’re right.”

  “Okay, there’s a lot of intrigue going on right now.” Everyone groaned, even Audrey, though she made it sound cheerful. “Yeah, I know. Intrigue is never good. I’ll fill everyone in once we’re out of the military complex. As a warning, there’s a telepath in Herion Military. He helped me, supposedly, get to all of you in time. I haven’t seen him, but I’ve heard him. I’ll recognize his voice if I hear it again, but have no idea who he is.”

  “Nap, why can’t we get out using the corridors and elevators?” Slinkie hated going into the ventilation system, anywhere, any time.

  “Because Nitin’s goons are looking for us, Lionside and his goons are looking for us, and our telepathic pal is also looking for us.”

  “So, we have three separate plans in action here within Herion Military, and at least the same number active outside of it.” The Governor sounded thoughtful. “Interesting.”

  “Yeah, in that ‘oh Active Gods, oh Active Gods, we’re gonna die’ sort of way. Governor, can you think and crawl at the same time? Because Nitin or his goons will be here shortly to see how dead you guys are and how pliable Audrey is and I’d like to be long-gone when they arrive.”

  “How’d you get away from Nitin and his guys?” Slinkie asked.

  “Got taken in with a bag over my head, dumped off into a room with only a chair in it, Nitin came in to do solitary interview, I declined and put him in the diaper.”

  “Good.” Slinkie was seriously angry. “You think he expected it?”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence. No idea. Fifty-fifty odds right now. Can we move it, people? I really don’t think I’m exaggerating the need to get the hell out of here.”

  “I’ll go first,” Randolph said, total lack of enthusiasm radiating from every pore.

  “I cleaned off half of it for you, Mister Daintypants. And your girlfriend can vacuum us up later. I don’t even want to ask why you thought her having suction in her arm was a valuable feature.”

  “Fiancée, and it’s a useful thing.”

  “Right, right. Here, let me give you a leg up, go to the left.” I made the hand bridge.

  “Should I go first, Captain?” Audrey asked. “I have the ability to create light out of my eyes.”

  Tried not to find this creepy and failed. But it was useful. “Sure, Audrey, you go first. You sure you won’t just give us all up should you run into a bad guy?”

  “No, Captain. I’ve rearranged my programming to imitate you.”

  The other three groaned again. Touching. “Fine. Then Audrey first, the Governor second, then Randolph and Slinkie, and I’ll bring up the rear.”

  “Why am I going between you and Randolph?”

  “So I know you’re safe.”

  Slinkie snorted. “I’ll bet.”

  “You can go last, if you’re able to both get up there on your own and put the grill back.”

  Got the eagle-glare. “Fine. You go behind me.”

  “Knew you’d see reason.”

  Audrey turned her headlight eyes on—it was as creepy as I’d imagined—and jumped up. I did the hand bridge while Randolph steadied the Governor. Audrey pulled him up after her, rather gently, which was probably a good thing. He was a tough old man, but old was still his operative word.

  Randolph next, thankfully not needing a helping hand from anyone other than me. I didn’t do the hand bridge for Slinkie. I picked her up by her waist. “Nap, why do you always act like I can’t do what the others can?”

  Her breasts were in my face. I resisted the urge to bury my head in them, but I felt I deserved a medal for it. “Slink, when are you going to realize that I do this because I both like it and want to take care of you?”

  “Oh.” Her voice sounded funny. I forced myself to look up and away from her breasts. She had the dove-look back.

  I decided that I’d missed out on one sure thing and didn’t want to risk never getting another opportunity. I let go of her waist just a little and she slid down. Her mouth opened in shock, and I moved in.

  CHAPTER 28

  Kissing Slinkie was all I’d imagined it to be and more. I had my arms wrapped around her, one hand in her hair and one on her butt in a matter of moments. Her arms were around my neck and I wasn’t getting the Avian Claw to the jugular—her fingers were running through my hair.

  There was a bed in the room and I was ready to use it. Her body fit perfectly next to mine, her tongue was responding in a way that said she liked being kissed and was open to more, and visions of incredible sex danced in my mind.

  “I don’t think this is a good time for you two to stall.” Randolph sounded annoyed and embarrassed. It was hard to connect his prudishness with Audrey, the Happy Sexbot.

  Slinkie pulled away. She looked flustered and, I was happy to note, aroused. She also looked like the romantic momen
t was over. “Randolph’s right.”

  Sadly, he was, so I didn’t argue. Picked her back up by her waist and handed her up to Randolph. Then I got the ventilator grill and used the time to get myself back under control.

  Happy time being firmly over, I handed the grill up to Slinkie, then jumped and pulled myself up. Slinkie helped me put the grill back, then she managed to turn around and started crawling back. If the shaft had been larger, this would have been great, because my head would have been right by her butt. As it was, my head was right by her feet, meaning I had to stay back a little ways so I didn’t take a heel to the face.

  I’d forgotten to warn the others about how the ventilation system was set up, but as some cursing filtered back to me, I took for granted they’d figured it out on their own.

  “We couldn’t walk out like normal people why?” Slinkie snarled at me as she reached the vertical shaft.

  “Just shove your back against one side and your feet against the other.”

  “I think I hate you.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind the next time you’re tied up and about to be gassed to death.”

  She heaved a sigh. I normally loved it when she did that, but since I couldn’t see her chest right now, it was, in my opinion, wasted. “Fine, Nap. I’ll stop whining.”

  “Whine all you want, just keep moving.”

  Going down was no more fun than going up. Going back across was just as exciting. Went down again, amidst more cursing. I checked the system tracker. There were no gray dots in this area. Passed along the suggestion to go into the room I’d entered the ventilation system through. Got the nasty reply back that those in front had already fallen into it and were just waiting for the rest of us. You’d think being saved from a nasty death or a future of enslavement would have made my crew happier. You’d have been wrong.

  Reached the hole I’d made, leaped down and landed in my cat-like stance. No one noticed, they were too busy complaining and being vacuumed off. Figured.

  Checked the system tracker again. Still no gray dots on this third level. Plenty of them on the fifth level, however. “I think we’ve been discovered. Or, rather, they’ve discovered the three of you aren’t dead and Audrey’s disappeared.” “Can we go by conventional means now, Alexander?”