Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  “Nap, how are we going to get out of this thing?” Slinkie sounded beyond repulsed. I could hear Tanner gagging in the background.

  “You two need to stop looking out the windows. And, Tanner? Be glad the Governor’s got shotgun this time.” The old geezer wasn’t fazed at all by our little sewage swim. I guess the daily prune diet made him appreciate what he had to work to create.

  We sludged to the fork and I managed to turn the tank. We weren’t going very fast, but I had to figure no one but the most insane or dedicated would be following us. Our destination couldn’t be hard to guess.

  “Do we have any radio communication in this thing?”

  “I have a universal communicator, Outland. Who are you trying to reach?”

  “Well, I’d like to know who’s after us, what’s going on aboveground, and, should we be able to connect via a private, non-monitored, non-bugged channel, I’d like to talk to my ship.”

  I heard background noise now. It wasn’t too loud, but I could make out voices, mostly because they all seemed to be shouting. Lionside listened while we sludged along. “No survivors from the nightclub explosion.” He sounded angry, but went on. “No casualties at the bath house explosion.”

  “We could have told you that.”

  “Do you not want the communications, Outland, or is it simply impossible for you not to make a comment?”

  “Oh, so sorry. Didn’t mean to rain on your official parade, Lionside.”

  “I hope we find rain when we’re out of this crap.”

  “Hush, Slinkie. Lionside wants to relay information.”

  “Hilarious. Sewage plant is still secure. Spaceport is still under sewage lockdown.”

  I didn’t cheer. I figured it would come off as conceited. Besides, I knew how the cosmos liked to work. If I mentioned my superior plan, something would come along to ruin it.

  “Huh.” Lionside sounded confused. “That’s odd.”

  “What’s odd?”

  “There’s a… stampede?”

  I let that one sit for a moment. “Stampede? Something’s stampeding in Spaceport City?”

  “Apparently yes.” Lionside listened some more. “Interesting. It’s a huge herd of donkeys. Causing quite a ruckus. Can’t be shot, which makes it difficult.”

  “Why can’t they be shot?” I thought about Ol’ Temper. I was willing to shoot that donkey. Couldn’t imagine why anyone else would have a problem with it. Other than, perhaps, Jabbob. Got an uneasy feeling.

  “They’re our planetary symbol. The hardworking donkey that overcomes obstacles to survive?” Lionside sounded annoyed.

  “Oh. I thought Herion’s symbol was an ass. That always made more sense to me.”

  “Donkey. Not ass.” Lionside now sounded offended.

  “Then why aren’t you called Donkeyside or something? If your name used to be held by the rulers?” I resisted asking why he wasn’t called Asseside, but it took all my self-control.

  “Alexander, can we discuss heraldry and heritage another time?” The Governor sounded as uneasy as I felt. Either he was worried about who was leading the herd or he knew what I was thinking. Possibly both. “Major, is there anyone with the herd?”

  “Yes. One man, so far as I can make out. He seems to be quite out of his mind.”

  The uneasy feeling grew. “Oh? Why? Do they know?”

  Lionside listened some more. “Huh. Interesting. From the little I can gather, this citizen seems to feel we’re being invaded by, and I quote, evil robots from space.”

  “Tanner!”

  “Yeah, Nap, we’re close enough, I can read him.” Nap? Tanner was calling me Nap now? What was next? Lionside joining my crew permanently? “It took a while, but I guess Audrey’s, ah, skin finally registered.”

  Yes, indeed. We’d truly left our mark on Herion this visit.

  CHAPTER 52

  “Lionside, where, exactly, is this stampede taking place?”

  “Near the spaceport.”

  Naturally. “Do we have a secured and non-monitored channel that I can reach my ship through?”

  Lionside sighed. “Yes. Give me a moment.” I heard some noises and could tell he was fiddling with his communicator. “I need your ship’s call numbers. The full set.”

  “Zyzzx-three-three-six-nine.”

  Lionside coughed. “No, Outland. The full set. You know what I mean.”

  “Yeah, I do. I don’t want you having it. More to the point, I don’t want Herion Military having it.”

  “Why not? What do you have to hide?”

  The Governor cleared his throat. “Major? I happen to know you can reach our ship without any other information than what Alexander’s given you. Please don’t make me decide to suggest that we merely knock you out, take your device, and dump you out in this pipe. Because, if you push it any more, I will do so. And I know Alexander lives to obey his elders.”

  Lionside chuckled. “Can’t blame a man for trying.” He fiddled some more and then handed the communicator to the Governor. “There you go, sir.”

  The Governor held it between us, so we could both talk and hear. “Ready, Alexander.”

  “Randolph or Audrey, are you there?”

  “Yes, Captain.” Audrey still sounded calm and cheerful. Had to figure Randolph hadn’t had time to tinker with her yet. Which was probably a bad sign.

  “We have myriad situations going on, Audrey. How soon can we safely take flight?”

  “We can safely take flight now, Captain. Unfortunately, we cannot safely make a hyper-jump.”

  Everyone in the tank, Lionside included, cursed. It was impressive. “How long before that can be rectified?”

  “No idea, Captain.”

  “Come again, Audrey?”

  “We are missing parts, Captain. Until we have those, I cannot give you an estimate.”

  “Put Randolph on, please, Audrey.”

  “Yeah, Nap?”

  “Randolph, I’m going to ask this question, and I want you to think about it, very carefully, before you answer.”

  “Sure, Nap. Go ahead.”

  “If we’re missing parts, and we need said parts in order to get off this miserable rock, why haven’t you done the obvious and borrowed them from the many other ships docked around us?”

  There was dead silence on the com.

  “You know, under the circumstances, I’m with you, Outland.”

  “You really don’t want to stay on Herion right now, do you, Lionside?”

  “I’m enamored with living, so, no.”

  I risked a look at the Governor. He shrugged. “Keep them close, Alexander. Plus, he’s got skills I’m sure we’ll need.”

  “Fine. But, Lionside, just so you’re clear, you’re not giving orders, you’re taking orders.”

  “Understood. What position will you give me? Weapons?”

  “Slinkie’s got that one.”

  “Security?”

  “Slink again.” I didn’t hear her offer to give up either position, which was fine with me. “We have pilot, copilot, engineering, and culinary already accounted for as well.”

  “Culinary?”

  “Not-Really-Almondinger back there’s an amazing chef. Prepare to eat well. You know, for the possibly one meal we might have before we all die from the dread disease of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

  The com finally sprang back to life. “Ah, Nap?”

  “Yes, Randolph. Good of you to rejoin the conversation.”

  “Heading out to get the parts now, Nap. Sorry.”

  “Have Audrey do it, speed is of the supreme essence. Like beyond supreme. The faster, the better. Accuracy matters. Do it right, do it perfectly. Or we’re all gonna die.”

  “Oh. So, routine. Good. You had me worried for a minute.” I detected no irony or sarcasm in Randolph’s tone. I didn’t know whether to worry or congratulate myself. I picked worry, it seemed smarter.

  “So, Outland. Not to be pushy, but what are you going to have me do
ing? Janitorial?”

  Why did these guys all think I was going to have them scrubbing toilets? Did I really come off as that much of a comet-lover? “No, at least, not unless you really make me angry.” Chose not to mention that him putting the moves on Slinkie would indeed make me angry. Now wasn’t exactly the time.

  “Then what?”

  I sighed. “Seems so obvious to me. Communications.”

  “Oh.” Lionside sounded pleased. “Due to my natural abilities to deal with those of all walks and races?”

  “No.”

  “Leadership skills and understanding of the military mind?”

  “No.”

  “Naturally pleasant speaking voice?”

  “Ah, no.”

  “Why then?”

  “You possess the universal communicator.”

  He was silent for a few long moments. “Good application of available resources, Outland. No wonder you’ve survived and done well all this time.”

  I had to hand it to him—Lionside knew how to find the trace metals in the asteroid. He could also shovel the excrement with the best of them. I had a sinking feeling he was going to fit in with the rest of my crew exceptionally well.

  CHAPTER 53

  We sludged along. “Where are we now, Lionside? Best guess.”

  “We’re about fifteen minutes away from the spaceport at this speed.”

  “You sound awfully sure.”

  “I had to study the pipe system.” He didn’t sound enthused about it.

  “Why? I mean, you’re a major. Why were you given the, ah, crap job?”

  “I think I mentioned Nitin’s made a lot of friends in Herion Political?”

  “Ah. Why’s he have it out for you? I mean you, personally?”

  Lionside was quiet for a few moments. “I’m not really sure.”

  “I am, Nap,” Tanner offered. He and Slinkie had scooted up and were flanking Lionside. It was like having three big dogs in the back, all trying to get up in front and help drive. I wondered when the fight would start. “I think Nitin identified the person on-planet most likely to get in his way and did his best to discredit and hobble him.”

  I pondered this. The kid was probably right. Lionside was total hero material, and he had that whole “blood of my forefathers” thing going. If I were trying to take over the galaxy by starting with Herion, I’d want Lionside out of the way, too.

  “Which means, if we take you with us, Lionside, we’re doing what Nitin wants.”

  “He wants me dead, Outland. He wants you dead, too.”

  “So, we’ll make it easy and all be together?”

  “Think of it as us banded together against a common enemy.”

  “The enemy of my enemy is my friend?” I’d never really bought into that one. In my experience, the enemy of my enemy still somehow ended up my enemy.

  “Politics makes strange bedfellows, Alexander.”

  “You know, my Great-Aunt Clara used to say that. It sounded as kinky coming from her as it does from you, Governor.”

  Lionside sighed. “I’m not your enemy, Outland. I’d classify myself as your ally.”

  I knew when to let something rest. “Fine. I’ll go with that until circumstances prove otherwise. Here’s the important question—how are we going to get out of the pipe without swimming in sewage? I think I speak for Slinkie and Tanner as well as myself when I say there’s no way in the galaxy you’re getting us to leave this’floater until we’re surrounded by stuff that doesn’t stink. Or ooze.”

  “I’m not getting out of this thing unless it’s gone through the wash first.” Slinkie sounded serious.

  “What she said. In triplicate.” Tanner sounded like he was one syllable away from puking. “There’s a hydro-cleanser for the spaceport. Not sure how close to it we’ll be, though.”

  “Very close. Our exit route is right by it.” Lionside sounded pleased. “Good thinking, Not-Really-Almondinger.” Lionside had a sense of humor. Was this trip never-ending in its horrors?

  “Nap, please. Can I tell him my name?”

  “He already knows it. At least part of it. Let’s pretend you’re actually a spy, and not tell him all of it, okay?”

  Lionside chuckled. “But Not-Really-Almondinger has a certain ring to it. And nothing wrong with Percy. Old name, quite traditional.”

  Tanner made a sound that was half-groan and half-growl. “That’s not my name. I hate that name.”

  “Actually, it’s the name of the guy causing the donkey stampede. The real Percy Almondinger is a simple person who goes psycho when something upsets him. One of our somethings has upset him.”

  “Yes, your metallic woman.”

  “We call her a robot,” Slinkie snapped. “Bryant, stop acting stupid.”

  “But it works so well.” Lionside sighed. “Well, truthfully, it works well in Herion Military. I note it doesn’t work so well with all of you. Not-Really-Almondinger, I’ve known you weren’t a Herion native since you arrived. It’s why I ensured you were in my unit.”

  “Why would you do that?” Tanner sounded shocked. Me, I was just hoping Slinkie had a gun pointed at Lionside’s head.

  “Oh, Miss Slinkie, really, the gun, is it necessary?” Lionside was calling her Miss Slinkie, too? Great. I wondered if she liked that. Hoped she didn’t.

  “Slink, I’m still serious. Marry me.”

  “Can we talk about that when we’re not swimming in a sewer? And, Bryant? Until I don’t think you’re dangerous, the gun remains.”

  He chuckled. “Well, no man wants a beautiful woman to think he’s harmless.”

  “Stop flirting with her. That’s an order.”

  “Interesting choice for when to pull rank, Outland. But, perhaps it’s understandable. Insecurity affects everyone at some time, I suppose. And, Not-Really-Almondinger, you don’t look like a Herion native. I would have guessed either Runilio or Unitatso, but that’s because I had no idea Aviatus had spies on Herion.”

  “We don’t. I’m not here to spy on Herion. I’m here for another reason.”

  “Supposedly he won’t tell you what that is, Lionside. However, he wasn’t supposed to tell you his name, either.”

  “He didn’t, Outland. You did.”

  Oh. Right. I guess I had shouted it out. “Whatever. I ask again, how do we get out of this pipe and through the hydro-cleanser? Without being killed by Nitin or his goons?”

  “We go up.” Lionside pointed ahead. It looked like the pipe was slanting upwards.

  “You’re kidding, right? How are we going to get up what qualifies as a high-grade hill under these conditions?”

  “Tankfloaters are made for conditions like this.”

  “They’re made to drive up a slick metal pipe made slicker by tons and tons of waste? Liquidy waste, I’m forced to add.” I heard Tanner gag again. The kid had an amazingly weak stomach. Either that or he still wasn’t recovered from the Crazy Bear explosion.

  “Trust me, Outland.”

  “I’m going to hate this, I can tell already.”

  We started up the pipe. We slid back down. I gunned the engine and we raced forward, at least, raced for the tankfloater and the conditions. We got a little farther up, but not enough, and slid back down.

  “Nap, you do not want to know what that’s kicking up behind us.” Slinkie sounded as grossed out as Tanner now.

  “Who wants to get out and push? No one? Then stop complaining.” Lionside sighed. “Engage the traction control.” He pointed to a button. I hit it. The tank shuddered. “It’s just the suction and tread mechanism shifting to accommodate the current terrain.” He tried to sound reassuring.

  “Well, that makes me feel all secure.” The tank was still shuddering, and now it was fighting me. It took a lot of strength to steer and keep my foot on the accelerator at the same time, since the wheel and the pedal both were resisting. “Is there a reason this tank doesn’t want to do this?”

  “The terrain is challenging. Do you need me to drive, Outla
nd?” I would have rather had to swim through the pipe to safety than let Lionside take over any form of driving. “No. I’ve got it.” I had to talk through gritted teeth—the tank was clearly made for someone who’d drunk the special milk.

  On the positive side, we were going up and we weren’t sliding back. On the negative side, I had no idea how long I could keep this up.

  The Governor seemed to read my mind. I figured Tanner was too busy being grossed out. “Major Lionside, how much longer do we have inside this pipe? Specifically this incline?”

  “Not too much farther. Outland, you’ll want to be ready, though.”

  “Ready for what?”

  “For the gate.”

  “What gate?”

  “The gate we’re going to have to ram through.”

  CHAPTER 54

  Of course there was going to be a gate and of course we were going to have to break through it. Why would I ever have assumed otherwise?

  “How fast will we need to be going?”

  “Faster than this. Or we’ll have to send an explosive out to blow the gate.”

  “Lionside, thanks for volunteering for that mission.”

  “If you just push the accelerator down, Outland, we’ll be able to speed up.”

  “I have this thing to the floor. You’re the one who mentioned this was your crap model.” Literally and figuratively.

  “Hmmm. You’re sure you have it to the floor?”

  “Yes. Positive.” We weren’t going any faster and if I pushed any harder there was a possibility I could break through the floorboard.

  “If we don’t break through the gate our chances of sliding all the way back down increase dramatically.” Nice of our resident hero to offer that observation so calmly.

  “Nap, try going airborne.”

  “Tanner, do you remember what happened the last time we did that in this thing?”

  “Yeah, but we don’t need it in the air long, just long enough.”

  Well, at least the kid could still think while he was nauseous. “Lionside, your thoughts?” I figured we had about thirty seconds before we hit the gate and, from what I was picking up, bounced all the way back down.