Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  “Electroshock?” Randolph’s voice crackled on the universal communicator. Slinkie had rearranged herself back to sitting normally, put the toy gun away, and had the communicator in hand.

  “Yeah, Randolph, that’s what Bryant said.”

  “That’s a problem,” Randolph shouted. “Nap, you need to engage—”

  I didn’t get to hear what I needed to engage. Because Randolph was interrupted by the lasers hitting us. Lasers sending out an electromagnetic charge, hitting a big, wet, metal object.

  CHAPTER 60

  Metal is a conductor. A good conductor. And we didn’t have enough crap on the tank to defuse the electromagnetic charges hitting us.

  The universal communicator shorted out first. But we weren’t fried, so that was a good thing. The shots weren’t enough to kill, after all, just enough to hurt. But there were a lot of them, and the tank was big enough to take more than one hit at a time, meaning we could easily get hit with enough juice to turn us into crap encrusted snacks on a stick. “Governor! Randolph wanted us to engage something. What would it be?”

  “Hit the anti-attack shield!” The Governor, Tanner, and Lionside all shouted this at the same time.

  “Where is it?” Slinkie and I shouted that one out together. I’d worry about the unison thing if we all survived.

  Lionside lunged through and slammed one of the many buttons down. The Hulkinator model had more buttons than a petticoat on a virgin, as my Great-Aunt Clara used to say. Still hadn’t found anyone who knew what she meant by that, not even the Governor. I took it to mean a lot of buttons. The tank started to hum.

  “Ah, Governor? Why is our vehicle singing without words?”

  “Hulkinator models use harmonic frequency to disable many forms of attack.” The Governor sounded like he’d not only read the manual but memorized it.

  “I can’t wait to leave this planet.”

  “I’m beginning to share your sentiments, Outland. Miss Slinkie, if you’ll please give me my communicator? I’d like to repair it.”

  “You can do electronics repair?” I asked as Slinkie tossed the communicator to Lionside and he started fiddling with it.

  “No. However, we’re trained in how to repair vital equipment in case of enemy attack. Most enemies try to knock out communications first, Outland.”

  I pondered this as we rolled up the stairs, humming a happy tune. The pirate armada had certainly done that as their first step. But it wasn’t what I went for when attacking someone. I tried to knock out their guns, their navigation, their hyper-drives—things that could prevent them hurting me or following me, not the things that would prevent them calling for help.

  “The pirates are under some form of military control, whether it’s a former military guy who’s gone bad or they’re functioning like a military unit or even are an existing military unit.”

  “I’d have to agree, Alexander.” The Governor sounded like he was pondering, too. “Major, once we’re able, and preferably before we’re spaceborne, could you please run a check for any military units that have gone AWOL in the last year or so?”

  “Will do, sir.”

  We hummed along, literally, as we went up the stairs, laser bolts now bouncing harmlessly off our tuneful hull.

  “Nap, are you humming along with the ’floater?” Slinkie sounded like she was trying not to laugh.

  “Maybe.” I was trying to keep the tank’s spirits up. We still had doors to bash through, a space wash to find, and untold military, dogs and donkeys to get through.

  “You are such a fried egg sometimes.” She didn’t make this sound pathetic, so I decided not to worry. I’d fry her eggs as soon as we were alone, while serving her the Outland Surprise all the ladies loved the galaxy over. “Nap, what are you smirking about?”

  “Ummm… breakfast.”

  “Right. Think we can break through doors without falling apart? From what I can manage to see, it looks like the merderians did some damage to the front.”

  “Like everything else on this stop, we’ll find out the hard way.” We crested the stairs. The doors were about a hundred feet ahead of us. Closed, of course. I took all the other reinforcements possible for granted. “Any way to fire a weapon without having to get out or open a window?”

  Lionside relayed that question into the apparently fixed communicator. Randolph replied, voice no longer crackling. “So glad you’re all okay.” We’d been submerged in more space excrement than the human mind could conceive of, gotten through the Steel Fan of Death, been attacked by killer crap eaters, but Randolph had only been worried about the electromagnetic lasers used to slap naughty Herion kids on the hand. I added this to my list of things to show Randolph wasn’t a normal person by any stretch of anyone’s imagination. The list was the size of any popular religious text by now, and growing every hour we were on Herion. Audrey was a companion book in her own right.

  “For the moment, and I mean that literally. We have to break through doors. Assume they’re steel reinforced and loaded with all the special trimmings. We have weapons and explosives with us, but no one’s willing to get out of the ’floater, and rolling down the windows isn’t an option. Whaddaya got for me?”

  “Captain, now that you are no longer submerged, I am able to mark on your location.”

  “Super, Audrey. What does that do for us?”

  “I can see the doors blocking your exit.”

  “Super duper. So can I. What of it?”

  “I can relay a command from the Sixty-Nine to the facility in order to override Herion security and open the doors for you.”

  “Really? You can do that?”

  “Randolph only programmed me to lie to people who were not part of our crew, Captain.”

  “Interesting choice. I’d have figured he’d have wanted you to lie to him all the time.”

  “I’m fully programmed for romantic relations, Captain, thank you for caring.”

  “This trip gets more horrifying every time I turn around. So, what’s the chance of the door opening before the rioters overrun the spaceport?”

  “Very good, Captain. I am able to multitask quite efficiently.” The doors swung open. “Proceed with all haste. I cannot spot any more impediments at this time.”

  “They’ll show up shortly, Audrey, don’t worry.”

  We rolled as requested. Didn’t have that far to go before we hit the great outsideness that was on the other side of the doors. Tanner and Lionside provided directions and we got to the space wash without any difficulties. No difficulties after myriad difficulties boded, and not well.

  The wash was closed but Audrey did her magical override thing and turned it on. Space washes are fast, furious and very strong. Space crud stuck like no one’s business. Fortunately, the merderians hadn’t breached anything important, because we didn’t get wet or soaped. The machinery indicated we were sparkling clean, and we rolled off.

  The tank was coughing and complaining, but still moving. I figured water had gotten into the engine, since the merderians had made their most impact on the front. I didn’t take us off of the tough terrain tread, however—the chances they’d eaten the tires were too good.

  The space wash was at the back of the spaceport, so there weren’t any rioters or livestock there. However, we couldn’t drive the tankfloater into our docking area for a variety of reasons, the doors being locked down by a security program Audrey couldn’t override being the main one.

  I drove around to where Tanner, Slinkie and I had exited what seemed so very long ago. Amazingly enough, the two maintenance guys were still there. Sadly, they weren’t alone. There was a huge crowd with them. Somehow, these two were keeping the crowd from entering the building, but I didn’t figure that was going to last long.

  “Ramming speed.”

  “Outland, I don’t want you running over any of my citizens.”

  “Lionside, the windows are now clean. Take a look at your citizenry before you whine to me about defending them.”
r />   “Ah. Even more so. I don’t want you harming any animals, particularly our native donkeys.”

  “Oh, great,” Slinkie snarled. “Just what are we supposed to do? Jabbob’s got his menagerie blocking our entrance into the docking area.”

  “He’s not alone,” Tanner said urgently. “There’s a lot of Herion Military coming up, and a mob you wouldn’t believe right behind them.”

  “We’re going to do Diversion Ten.”

  “NO!” Slinkie screamed.

  “Not Diversion Ten!” the Governor added at the top of his lungs.

  Too late and too bad. I was already rolling Diversion Ten. I liked it. It tended to be so dramatic and impressive. And it always worked.

  CHAPTER 61

  The essence of a good diversionary tactic is to ensure that the general populace is paying attention to one thing while you’re actually doing another. Diversion Ten was showy, loud and frightening. No one paid attention to details while Diversion Ten was running.

  I slammed on the airborne button, we raised up, and I put the tank into what I’d learned was its favorite position—spinning. Then I headed us towards the crowd.

  True to form, the crowd scattered, dogs and donkeys included. Herion Military included. No one with an ounce of self-preservation wanted to be the thing our tank hit before it stopped moving.

  Crowd moved well back, I proceeded to keep them far away from the door. Sure, our crew and supplies were again flipping around, but no one and nothing was coming near us. I’d even moved the two maintenance guys off.

  Hovered around the door we had to go through and now instead of spinning wildly, I righted us, still floating, and did a spin that kept us level but still dangerous.

  “Nap, I’m going to be sick!”

  “Slinkie, even puking you’ll be gorgeous. Please get ready to jump out.” I heard the Governor giving orders to Lionside and Tanner to grab what they could carry in the weapons and explosives department. “Make sure you take anything worthwhile, Slink.”

  “As long as I can put them in a barf bag.”

  “Outland, is there a method to your madness or did you just not get enough love as a child?”

  “Lionside, you haven’t been a part of my crew long enough to get away with that level of comfortable insult. Tanner, need you ready to go to open the door into the spaceport, in case someone changed the codes.”

  “Can I barf after I open the door?”

  “Only as a diversionary tactic. Governor, does the Hulkinator have any projectile weapons on it?”

  “I shudder to say yes, Alexander. Please ensure you have the rear aimed.”

  “It fires from the back?” Why was I surprised?

  “Yes, Outland, it does. What are you insinuating?” Lionside pointed to the buttons. “Make sure no one we like is in range.”

  “Make sure you go last, Lionside.”

  “Nap, we have to get out from the back.”

  “Tanner, did I give you the impression I was going to shoot you?”

  “For most of the time I’ve known you, yeah.”

  Slinkie made a sound of disgust. “Governor, give me a rapid fire, fully stocked.” He handed one through to her. “Stop long enough for me to get out without being flung into one of those stupid donkeys. I’ll cover them until you can start firing.”

  I slowed our spin to where we were going slow enough for the little kids to get on or off the carousel. Slinkie timed it and jumped out at the point farthest from the crowd. She closed the door, went to the side of the building, and started firing over everyone’s heads and at the ground in front of the mob.

  “Tanner, get ready. I’m going to stop with the rear facing the door. I want the three of you out in under thirty seconds, and that includes the Governor.”

  “I take more time, so you young men are going to have to move quickly.” The Governor didn’t sound like he was asking.

  “Captain, I must stress that you need to hurry.”

  “Get the Sixty-Nine prepped and ready to go, Audrey.”

  “Yes, Captain.” I put the universal communicator into my inner jacket pocket. I didn’t want to lose it and Lionside was going to have his hands full.

  “Ready, Nap,” Tanner called.

  I slowed the tank and hovered. Tanner and Lionside jumped out. Tanner ran to the door and Lionside helped the Governor out, slammed the hatch, then helped Slinkie with crowd control. I spun the tank around a bit more, then moved it closer to the crowd. “Audrey, are you capable of flying the Sixty-Nine within atmosphere?”

  “Captain, if I am guessing your meaning correctly, are you asking me if I can fly the ship to pick you up?”

  “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m asking.”

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “No. That kind of flying—where the chances of success are so slim—goes against my core programming. I’m a very good robot, Captain. I’m not a human.” She still sounded cheerful, but I had to figure she didn’t feel that way about it.

  “Randolph loves you just the way you are.”

  “Yes, he does. Weapons and Security Chief Slinkie is worried needlessly. I have no intentions of trading up. I prefer to be with the man who thinks I’m perfect just as I am, and who is willing to let me change that perfection and still love me.”

  “He’s an idiot in most things, but he’s absolutely a mechanical genius.”

  “I agree. You need to hurry, Captain. We are about to go down to a level of potential success that could cause me to override and overload.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Worse.”

  “Got it, Audrey. Just have the Sixty-Nine ready to go the moment my butt’s in the Captain’s chair.”

  I risked a look over my shoulder. They’d done a good job—I couldn’t see any guns or explosives left. “Nap, the door’s open,” Tanner shouted.

  “Get everyone through, Slink, that means you especially. Everyone onto the ship!” I set the tank down. My door was right by the building, so I was able to ensure the others were inside. As Lionside, who went last, disappeared into the building, I looked behind me. The crowd, sensing the tank had stopped moving, were heading towards me again.

  I looked back. The door had closed behind Lionside.

  No matter. That’s what the projectiles were for. I would have felt bad about shooting and maybe killing innocent people, only no one in this mob was likely to be innocent, and I knew without asking they’d all rip me to shreds if they had the chance.

  Lionside had pointed out four buttons to control the rear projectiles. I pushed them all down.

  It was impressive. Not what I was expecting by a long shot, but still, impressive. The screams were amazing. The crowd hadn’t screamed that I’d noticed while Slinkie and Lionside were shooting live laser fire, but now it was all different. They were screaming and running. Not that I could blame them.

  I’d have run, too. Only I’d have kept my mouth shut.

  CHAPTER 62

  The Hulkinator had a sense of humor, at least, that’s how I saw it. It wasn’t firing live rounds. It was spraying out crap.

  With gusto.

  The entire back of the tankfloater was sending out what seemed like an endless stream of attack crap. I decided to take advantage of this moment. Not by taking pictures, though the thought did occur to me. Not by gloating—I liked to save gloating for private moments, not public ones. I’d seen too many gloaters dethroned in mid-public-gloat.

  No, I backed us up and kept on spraying. It was like the Hulkinator had been given the world’s largest vehicle enema. We’d been submerged for quite a while, after all. I wondered if the Governor had had any idea of what the tank would be firing out, and knew, in my soul, that he had. He’d read the manual, after all, cover to cover. There were times I questioned why I kept the Governor around, secret identity or no secret identity. This was not one of those times.

  The essence of Diversion Ten was to keep people focused on what didn’t matter. In t
he grand scheme, them getting sprayed with liquid waste didn’t matter. To me, anyway. Getting off Herion alive was what mattered. I couldn’t get to my ship from the back. I couldn’t get to her from the side. So that meant I had to get to her from the front.

  It’s amazing how people who will bravely throw themselves onto a grenade or leap in front of laser fire in order save innocents will react when faced with a steady stream of yuck heading for them. I hoped the pirates weren’t watching this, because all they’d really need to take over Herion Military was a crap machine.

  The military guys were running faster than anyone, some trampling citizens to get away from the flow. Not that I could blame them. Maybe they were trying to get away from the donkeys.

  Jabbob’s dog pack, being lower to the ground, had all raced away the moment the Hulkinator and I started firing. The donkeys were also in full stampede mode, only there were a lot of humans in their way, forming a living corral. The donkeys didn’t like their corral, at least, if I was any judge.

  The mob rounded the side of the building—kicking, screaming and braying, all while jumping and running—and the tankfloater and I did the same. Now that we were in the front, however, there was more space for the mob. There were also large glass double-doors leading in.

  “Ready?” I asked the tank. It indicated it was ready for anything. We lifted into the air and I put us back into a spin, so that liquid yuck was going everywhere. This kept the crowd well away from us, and anything we were hitting. Landed, then slammed into the doors.

  The merderians might have affected the front, but the Hulkinator was a trouper. We smashed through the glass and rolled on in, crap still spraying out behind us. Unfortunately, it was a little bit of a drive to get to our docking bay. Happily, the tank seemed to have stored a never-ending supply of crap, because our output wasn’t slowing down at all.

  Our particular docking area had been quarantined, but either the rest of the spaceport hadn’t heard the good word, or they weren’t going to let a little something like a sewage explosion stop them from the completion of their daily and nightly duties. It was closing in on dawn but the main portions of the spaceport were filled with people going about whatever business they had in a spaceport your ship couldn’t safely leave.