Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  “Janz the Butcher?” Lionside sounded like he was vibrating. “The notorious crime lord of the galaxy? You work for him?”

  “In a way.” I wondered what the Governor was going for, bringing Janz in all of a sudden. Old fashioned senility seemed the most likely answer. “More like we run certain ideas past him and get his impressions.”

  “You’re the ones the Butcher runs his master plans through.” Lionside sighed. “I’d be excited about this—if I weren’t most likely now a more wanted criminal than you are, on Herion at least. As it is, seriously, do you have any Bitterroot on board? Sniffing raw sewage for the better part of a day makes a man thirsty for something that doesn’t smell like a latrine.”

  I gave in. He had a point. “Tanner, give the new Communications Chief a brew. In the icebox. In the back. He only gets one. And, trust me, I know how many are in there.”

  The sounds of pouring liquid, lip smacking, and the happy sighs of quenched thirst floated over the com. “How many of you are drinking our meager supply of the most expensive beer in the galaxy?”

  Slinkie came in and handed me a glass. “All of us. Nap, seriously, the chances of us dying are pretty high. Why leave this for Lucky Pierre to either drink, destroy or sell himself?”

  She had a point. “What happened to that all-encompassing belief that we’d survive because I’m so special?”

  Slinkie tousled my hair. It felt great. “We’re all tired, thirsty and sick of smelling stink. And yet, we’re all still alive. About the only celebration we’re going to get is drinking a Bitterroot. Let it go and drink your beer.”

  She had another point. I pulled her into my lap. “Works for me. Audrey, you want a beer?”

  “No, thank you, Captain. I don’t enjoy them like humans do. If I may, however, I’d like to join Randolph for the impromptu celebration and before we’re facing life-threatening circumstances again.”

  “How long do you figure we have?”

  “With the way our luck runs, Captain? I’d give it no more than thirty minutes.”

  “Go for it, Audrey.” Randolph must have programmed her for optimism. I gave us no more than fifteen. Less, if Slinkie and I got amorous.

  I considered the options. Finish the Bitterroots, give amorous a shot. That way, we got to fully enjoy something before the next disaster hit. Besides, if the next disaster took its time, maybe after a relaxing cold one Slinkie would be in the mood to retire to the Captain’s quarters and play Around the Galaxy.

  As my Great-Aunt Clara always said, why not go for rich instead of broke?

  CHAPTER 66

  “Mmmm.”

  “Nap… ooooh.”

  “Talk turkey to me, baby.”

  “You are such a bad egg.” Slinkie didn’t say that like it was a bad thing. She might have come from a bird-based planet, but she was purring like a happy kitty.

  We were still in the cockpit and she was still on my lap. The beers were done, however, and we were definitely into amorous. By my mental clock, we had about five minutes before hell was going to break loose again. I planned to make the most of those minutes.

  “What do you do to bad eggs?” I asked this against her neck. She liked my mouth against her neck, at least if her body’s movements were any indication.

  “Mmmm, we do just terrible things to them. Takes hours. Sometimes days.”

  “Can’t wait.”

  On cue the Sixty-Nine’s alarms went off.

  Slinkie sat up and heaved a sigh. “Guess we have to wait. What’s trying to kill us now?”

  I moved her off my lap and took a look. “Absolutely nothing, so that must mean Lucky Pierre’s around. Hulky, you have anything?” The Hulkinator grid shifted around.

  “You’re calling it Hulky?”

  “Why not?” Hulkinator seemed so formal.

  Slinkie laughed and kissed the top of my head. “You’re totally cracked, you know that, right?”

  “As long as you like it, it’s fine with me.”

  She kissed the back of my neck. “I like it.”

  I cursed whatever fates were causing me to have Slinkie this ready to go and yet be unable to take advantage of the moment. Clearly I’d made a variety of the various worlds’ Active Gods angry. “Mmmm, good.” The grid stopped moving as Audrey came back in. Along with everyone else.

  “Why is the entire crew in here?”

  “We want to know what’s going on.” Randolph sounded embarrassed. Must have caught a nanosecond of me and Slinkie being chastely intimate. Maybe he just had a thing against human girls. “I ran a diagnostic—the alarm system’s in perfect order.”

  I stared at the grid. “Interesting.” It was truly working like a remedial Ultrasight. Nothing was near us, but there were ships out by Runilio. A dozen of them. “They knew we’d go to Runilio. How did they know that?”

  “Why do you make that assumption, Outland?”

  “Because they were hiding somewhere just outside the solar system. We were supposed to jump to Runilio, then they’d hit us there. And we would have, if Hulky hadn’t shown me there was nothing here.”

  “You’re calling it Hulky?” Randolph sounded like he was warring between being touched and laughing his head off.

  “Audrey was taken.”

  “Point made. But, Nap, what are you thinking? How would they know we’d head to Runilio?”

  “It makes sense,” Slinkie said. “We have an order for magma.”

  “But who knew that? Besides us, I mean?”

  “I knew because you mentioned it,” Tanner said.

  “Same here. You brought it up when….” Lionside’s voice trailed off. I didn’t have to look at him to know he was thinking. So was I.

  “I mentioned it when Slinkie and I were being interrogated by you and Nitin.” I pondered. “Tanner, am I safe in assuming Lionside isn’t in league with Lucky Pierre?”

  “Pretty darned sure, Nap.”

  “Why do you keep on calling this person Lucky Pierre?” Lionside sounded peeved. How nice—we had someone to cover that if the Governor was feeling tired.

  “Because this is an old signature and the original guy who did this went under the moniker of Pierre de Chance and he leads the Chatouilleux Français Armada.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “No.”

  “Lucky Pierre and the French Tickler Armada?”

  “Yes.” Something was tickling me.

  “Who names these people?” Lionside sounded stunned.

  “Wait a second. Lionside, have any of us ever told you the name before?” I turned around and looked at all of them. It was easy, since the cockpit wasn’t all that large and they were all squished in it.

  “No. Why would I have asked about it if you’d already explained?”

  “Slink, neither one of us mentioned a name when we were being briefed by Herion Military, right?”

  “Right, Nap. You said ‘pirate armada’ a lot, but nothing else.”

  “You were also the second one to say it, Outland. The only other person who said ‘pirates’ in relation to what was going on was the last captain to manage to land… before you, I mean.”

  “So, that would be the captain of the ship I came on, Nap. And I had no idea what anyone’s name was.”

  “Speaking of which, what’s going on with young Not-Really-Almondinger?”

  “He’s a spy. Oh, and a limited telepath. Don’t hate him for it, he can’t read you any more.”

  “Ah, because he likes me, right. That all makes sense now.”

  I decided not to argue. I had a sinking feeling Tanner did like Lionside. I had a worse feeling that somewhere along the line, I was going to like Lionside. “You know what doesn’t make sense? When I was trussed up in Military HQ and Nitin had the others in his gas chamber and Audrey tucked away, he and I were talking. He told me he wanted me to allow myself to be captured by the armada. Me and my ship. So, supposedly, Herion Military could track on us and save the day.”

  “He had a
noble purpose?” Lionside sounded like he didn’t think that was possible by any stretch of anyone’s imagination. My estimate of his intelligence rose.

  “No. He threatened to hurt Slinkie if I didn’t comply.” There was a lot of male snarling at this. “Keep in mind that he planned to kill Slinkie, and Randolph and the Governor, whether I complied or not. In fact, before I could comply, since they were in the gas chamber and would have died if Tanner hadn’t given the assist.”

  “That makes no sense.” Lionside sounded both frustrated and angry. “If his hold over you was Miss Slinkie, how in the world would killing her before you’d done what he wanted work out? Why kill any of your crew? Kill them and lose the only incentives you might have to cooperate.”

  “He wanted Audrey,” Tanner replied. “He used Slinkie as an incentive, but what Nitin wanted was Audrey.”

  “Why?” Randolph asked. “I mean, she’s wonderful, but I have to be honest in that she’s not the only advance robotic in the galaxy.”

  “She’s the only one in our solar system,” Lionside replied.

  “So, he wanted Audrey from the moment he knew about her—but how could he know about her? I didn’t know about her until we were already on Herion and through our interrogation.”

  “Maybe he saw her when Randolph brought her off the ship, Alexander.” The Governor’s eyes were narrowed. I hoped in thought, not due to constipation.

  “How? Was he watching us? And if he was, why?” Randolph asked again. “And, why did he threaten you with hurting Slinkie?”

  “You mean besides the fact that he’s an evil bastard? He used Slinkie as a diversion. He dragged her in and showed her to me, then dragged her out again.”

  “Wait, Nap, what?” Slinkie looked confused.

  “When I was in the nasty room, tied up to the chair, remember? You were brought in also tied up, struggling, yelling at me not to do it. Right before one of the goon squad shoved a gag into your mouth.”

  She shook her head. “It wasn’t me. Nitin trussed us up and tossed us into that gas chamber. I never saw you until you came and rescued us.”

  “Then it was a damned good facsimile of you. She even bit the goon when he was gagging her. I was all proud of you.”

  Slinkie shrugged. I enjoyed the view. “Glad she represented, but it wasn’t me.”

  Randolph and the Governor nodded. “Miss Slinkie was never out of my sight, Alexander, from the time we were captured by Nitin.”

  “She called me Captain, not Nap. I should have realized it wasn’t the real Slinkie from that.” And I hadn’t. Well, I’d been distracted. I looked at Audrey. “Did you pick up any other robotic signatures while we were on Herion, especially at Military HQ?”

  She shook her head. “No. But I wasn’t monitoring for them, either.”

  “Tanner?”

  “Nap, I keep telling you, I don’t do robotic minds.”

  “I’m getting the feeling it’s time for you to branch out.” I thought back. It hadn’t been that long ago in terms of hours, but in terms of activity, it seemed like a month, easy. Nitin had been blathering about how I had to do what he wanted, he’d threatened to hurt Slinkie by having his goons show her to me, and when I’d said the pirates would just kill me, he’d told me to make a deal. A deal with the pirate leader. “He said the name.”

  “What name?” Lionside asked. “Lucky Pierre?”

  “No. He said de Chance. He was talking about the pirates and said that de Chance would want me to fly for him.” I leaned back in my chair. There was something more, something else I knew I’d noted and filed away.

  The Governor spoke slowly. “Now, how would Nigel Nitin of Herion Military know that the head of the heretofore invisible and unknown pirate armada was named de Chance? Particularly since we only figured it out because Janz the Butcher recognized the signature.”

  “I have a better question,” Tanner said quietly. “Why is Nigel Nitin on Herion in the first place?”

  “I’ll top that one,” Lionside said. “Who is Nigel Nitin, really?”

  “Is the enemy of my enemy my friend?” Randolph sounded nervous. “Or is he my enemy?”

  “I see your bets and raise you this—why are we assuming Nitin is de Chance’s enemy?”

  “Captain?”

  “Yes, Audrey? Do you have a question to add into the game?”

  “No. I just wanted to point out that the armada is moving. Towards us.”

  CHAPTER 67

  “Stations! We’ll figure out the rest of this as we go along.”

  Just like always.

  “If one more crazed Ebegorn shows up, I’m going to space something,” Slinkie muttered as she left the cockpit.

  “Slink, I love you. That’s it.”

  “What’s it?” This was chorused by most of the crew, other than Audrey, who was busy turning on our shields and warming up the hyper-drive.

  “The thing I couldn’t remember where I’d filed.”

  “What? Nap, did you crack your skull or something?”

  “No, Slink, I’m fine. Nitin has an Ebegorn tattooed on his chest, right over his heart.”

  “Why? I mean, they look ridiculous.”

  “Yes, they do. Because they look like clowns. You told me yourself, Slinkie. The Ebegorn is called the clown bird. It’s a large bird with a wild mop of feathers on its head and a somewhat stupid expression. Pretty hilarious to look at, but also a great predator and flier. And Ebegorns hunt in flocks. Large, nasty flocks.”

  “So?”

  I sighed. “So, let me spell it out for you. Nigel Nitin has another last name. It’s de Chance. He’s either also a son of the original Lucky Pierre or he’s related to the de Chance family in some way. I mean, come on—Lucky Pierre and the French Ticklers? The guy’s a joker… a clown.” I remembered something else. “I have papers with an Ebegorn crest that I took from Nitin. Written in code. Haven’t had time to look at them.”

  “I’m good with codes, Nap.”

  “Tanner Lauris, come on down and get your next assignment. Work on them in between cooking breakfast and dying, okay?”

  “Ah, Not-Really-Almondinger is truly named Tanner Lauris? Much better, I must say.”

  “Nap, I thought we weren’t supposed to tell him my real name.” Tanner was back in the cockpit, waiting for the papers.

  Dang. I’d done it again. Oh well, Lionside was crew now. “You weren’t supposed to, Tanner. As captain, I make the decisions for who we trust when.” I dug the papers out of my inner jacket pocket.

  “You mean it slipped out again.” He took the papers from me and started thumbing through them. “When are you going to work on those little details?”

  “Being a smartass is the most direct way to janitorial duty.”

  “I’ll worry about it if we live.” Tanner shook his head. “It’s an old code.”

  “Work on it with the Governor. Bonding time and all that. It’ll give the geezer something to live for.”

  “I heard that, Alexander.”

  “Estimate we have at least thirty-seven minutes before the armada arrives to engage, Captain.”

  “That’s an odd amount of time.”

  “Why so?” Tanner was still looking through the papers.

  “I’ll explain while you head back to your station.”

  He rolled his eyes. “The galley’s not exactly a battle station, Nap.”

  “You never knew my Great-Aunt Clara, did you? Head off, I want you strapped in or helping Randolph or Slinkie, whoever shrieks your name the loudest.” He sighed but did as he was told. Good kid. Hopefully we’d make it long enough for me to turn him into a fully good man. Of course, I’d helped a lot with that already. “It’s an odd amount of time because if they’re jumping, then they should be here in less than five minutes, and if they’re not, then they should be here in a day.”

  “True,” Lionside chimed in. “Herion to Runilio is normally a full day trip on an express charter. It’s longer on a standard charter. Most sh
ips would do it in at least a couple of days, to conserve fuel, lower wear and tear on their ships, and prevent space-sickness.”

  “The armada is not jumping, Captain. However, they are moving much faster than express-level speeds.”

  “Randolph, how can they do that?”

  “Advanced quantum physics. You want me to go into detail?”

  “No, not at all. Ever. I want you to explain why they have it and the rest of us do not. And when I say ‘the rest of us’, take that to mean me, specifically.”

  “It’s something a variety of space engineers and scientists have been working on for a while. How to move faster without having to use hyper-speed. It’s most important to systems like Herion’s, where you have a lot of planets and a lot of active trade between them.” Randolph chuckled. “So it’s kind of funny.”

  “What’s funny?”

  “Oh, just that the scientists and engineers who’ve made the most strides on this over the past couple of decades are on Trennile Main.”

  While Randolph continued to chuckle, I pondered. Trennile Main was an extremely remote planet in the Alpha Quadrant. It was the sole populated planet in its system, but it was quite self-sufficient. Not a lot of trade in and out, considered a great place to go to think and learn, since there were limited distractions.

  Lionside cleared his throat. “Ah, Outland? Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

  “I think so.”

  “You two want to share what you’re thinking, or just say the word think a few more times until I break both of your eggs?”

  Slinkie sounded testy. I chose to figure that meant she was as frustrated by the constant coitus interruptus as I was. Not that we’d made it even close to the coitus part, but that was certainly my intention and it was being interrupted nonstop.

  Lionside cleared his throat and I opened my mouth, but Tanner beat us to the punch. “They’re thinking they’ve found Lucky Pierre’s base of power.”

  “Tanner, new rule. You don’t steal the captain’s big reveal moment.”

  “Oh, noted.” I detected sarcasm, and a lot of it. The kid was coming along fast.