by Box Set
Simply to get my phone off my desk.
Nothing happened.”
* * *
“Don’t remind me,” he mutters, and
I can suddenly hear him telling me he wants to sleep with me.
* * *
The heat in my cheeks is no longer from panic.
I brush past him with my face turned so he can’t see the blush and
Head for the garage.
“You have a car, right?” I call over my shoulder.
* * *
“Yeah,” he says, “But I thought we were shooting here.”
* * *
I glance up at the vaulted ceilings,
The antique furniture,
The marble, silk, hardwood.
“Too stale,” I declare.
* * *
I turn to face him.
“You’re not stale. We need…”
I glance around like I’ll be able to find what he needs here,
In this lousy mansion,
A sorry excuse for a home.
“We need something…more exciting.”
* * *
“Are you saying I’m exciting?”
He gives me that sexy half-smile and
Steps closer.
* * *
“I’m saying get your keys and
Let’s get out of here.”
84
“DO YOU EVER MISS HER?”
Trevor won’t look at me, but
Focuses out the window,
On the road, or
Something.
* * *
I can’t really see his eyes anyway, because
He’s wearing sunglasses.
* * *
“Miss who?” I ask.
* * *
“Your mom.”
* * *
Instantly, I feel an invisible wall
Go up between me and
Him.
The same barrier that’s been between me and
My mother
For the past year and a half.
* * *
His car feels ten times colder, and
The low music from the radio is now too loud.
* * *
I don’t answer.
I don’t know if I miss my mom or not.
* * *
“I miss my dad,
Sometimes,” Trevor says.
* * *
I let myself look at him.
Click, click, click.
The need is raw on his face,
The tension evident in his shoulders.
* * *
“I mean, he hasn’t been around for years, but
I still miss him.
Watching you with your dad at dinner the other night is
When I realized it.”
* * *
I wish I knew what to say, or
That I could reach for my camera and
Capture this moment in pixels,
Forever.
* * *
“Where to?” Trevor asks
After a few minutes of silence.
He’s been driving aimlessly,
Turning right, then
Left, then
Right.
* * *
I wish I had long hair like I used to, so
I could hide behind it
Like I used to.
* * *
“Wings?” he says
Just as I say,
“I miss her.”
85
“I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU,”
Were Mom’s parting words to Rose
When she moved out of our house and
In with Darren Youngblood.
* * *
I didn’t know until that day that
My mom was a coward.
She waited until Dad left on his business trip
To move out.
* * *
She packed all day the first day,
Her face as still as stone,
Her voice mute.
* * *
The second day,
The moving van came,
Taking her boxes,
Her wardrobe,
Her jewelry, and
Her photos.
* * *
She called in Gramma-Linda
On the third day.
She bent down and hugged Rose.
“I will always love you.”
* * *
Gramma-Linda had stood sentinel
Near the front door.
She’d smoothed my hair,
Held me close, and
Told me everything would be all right.
* * *
Mom barely looked at me,
Barely spoke.
* * *
And then she left.
86
COWARD
Is what I wrote in my journal
That night.
* * *
I knew my mother was one, and
I wondered if I was too.
* * *
Why didn’t I say something sooner?
Why didn’t I do anything?
Maybe I could’ve saved my parents’ marriage.
Maybe I could have—
* * *
The entry stops there, but
I’m still wondering if I’m brave enough
To do hard things.
* * *
Gramma-Linda stayed with me and Rose
For a week after Mom left,
Before Dad returned from his business trip.
* * *
She talked all the time,
Telling Rose that Mom still loved her,
That she would always love her,
That just because she didn’t live here anymore
Didn’t mean she’d stop caring.
* * *
Dad called every night and
Told us about Chicago and
How good the hot dogs were.
* * *
Rose cried on the phone every night and
Asked me if Dad was really coming home or
If he’d leave us the way Mom did.
* * *
I soothed my sister with songs and
Hot chocolate.
* * *
I did not lie to her the way
Gramma-Linda did,
The way Mom had.
* * *
Because she didn’t love us,
At least not as much as she loved Darren Youngblood.
87
“THERE.”
I point across my body,
Almost jabbing Trevor’s arm.
“That house. It’s perfect.”
* * *
Trevor pulls over and
Squints at the structure.
“It’s one wind storm from falling down.”
* * *
“Like I said,
Perfect.”
I get out of the car,
Shoulder my bag, and
Step around the NO TRESPASSING sign.
* * *
“Wings, you can’t be serious.”
Trevor hurries after me.
“We could get in trouble.”
* * *
“Are you worried?”
I toss him a smirk over my shoulder.
* * *
“Yes,” he says.
“If I get in trouble,
I can’t play football.”
* * *
I pause, considering.
Playing football to Trevor
Is like breathing.
If he can’t do it,
He’ll die.
* * *
The porch of the dilapidated house
Sags;
The paint on the front door is
Peeling;
The brick is weathered and
Crumbling.
* * *
“This has character,” I say,
Almost a whine in my voice.
“It’s perfect.”
*
* *
Trevor comes to stand beside me.
“So you’re saying I have
Perfect character.”
* * *
I roll my eyes,
Knowing I’ve got him,
At least for a few minutes.
* * *
“I’m saying we better shoot this
Before the cops come by.”
88
“JUST ONE MORE,”
I tell Trevor.
* * *
“You’ve said that at least ten times.”
* * *
I’ve taken at least two hundred shots
Of him, but
I don’t have the right one yet.
* * *
I got him sitting on the porch, and
Leaning against that blue door, and
Posing in front of the textured brick.
* * *
I’ve used the flash, and
Opened the aperture, and
Adjusted his clothes.
* * *
We’ve been here an hour, and
He was done after the first thirty minutes.
* * *
“I can’t use any of these,” I tell him, and
He glances skyward as if
God will grant him patience.
* * *
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
* * *
“Come on,” I say.
“Just a couple more.”
I step toward the front door,
Wondering if it’s locked.
* * *
“Whoa, we’re not going in there.”
He moves to block me.
* * *
“Yes, we are,” I say,
Swatting his outstretched arm out of my way.
I scan him from head to toe.
“It’s the ideal juxtaposition.
You, all put together and…whatever, and
This house all falling apart.”
* * *
“So you’re saying opposites attract.”
* * *
I brush past him and test the door.
It swings open, and
I enter.
“I’m saying persistence pays off.
Now get in here.”
* * *
“Persistence,” he mutters behind me.
* * *
I smother the smile that rises to my face
When I hear his footsteps.
* * *
The living room is picked pretty bare, but
There’s an old dining table in the kitchen.
“There.” I direct him to the table and
Have him sit down.
“No…stand back up.
Maybe just sit on it…
Not all the way on it,
Just one cheek…
Yeah, like that.”
* * *
He crosses his arms, and
A strange glint has entered his eye.
I lift the camera,
Adjust the focal length, and
Snap the picture.
* * *
“Will you go out with me?” he asks as
I step to the side to get a different angle.
* * *
I almost drop my camera.
“What? No.”
My hands shake the slightest bit, but
I manage to get off a few more shots.
* * *
The pictures are the best I’ve taken, but
It’s not because of the lighting, or
The technique, or
The lens.
* * *
It’s because Trevor is finally in the moment.
His mind is alive,
Seething,
Working through how he can get me to go out with him.
* * *
I can see it through my one-hundred twenty millimeter lens, and
I don’t like it.
Not one little bit.
89
“CRAP.”
Trevor isn’t the only one who hears the sirens.
* * *
We hold each other’s eyes for a long moment, then
We spring into action together, like
We’ve rehearsed every getaway scenario
Together.
* * *
He helps me pack my lens and
Flash equipment before
Jumping in the driver’s seat.
* * *
“Go,” I say as I fling myself in the passenger seat.
He doesn’t need to be told twice.
He flips the gearshift into drive, and
Floors it.
* * *
I turn toward the window and
Smile, because
It feels like Trevor and I just got away with something dangerous.
* * *
Together.
90
“WE COULD JUST GO SEE A MOVIE,”
He says after putting ten minutes of driving distance between
Us and the abandoned house.
“No funny business, I promise.
Friends go to movies together, you know.”
* * *
“Right,” I scoff. “On Saturday night.
That’s not a date or anything.”
I stare determinedly out my window,
My smile gone,
My arms folded.
* * *
“Not a date,” he confirms.
“You’d go with Jacey, right?”
* * *
I tighten my jaw as
I tighten my arms.
“My mom will be mad.”
* * *
“Like you care if she’s upset.”
* * *
“I do,” I say,
Suddenly very,
Very angry.
“You have no idea what I care about.”
* * *
I suddenly hate myself for saying those words, because
I’ve heard my mom say them to my dad.
I hated her when she said them too,
When she told him he didn’t know her,
Didn’t make an effort to like what she liked, and
Therefore, she couldn’t be married to him anymore.
* * *
I hate the things I see in myself that come from her, including
Wanting to be with a Youngblood.
* * *
“I know you come alive behind that camera.”
Trevor doesn’t slow down enough for the right turn he takes, and
I almost fly into the window.
“I know you care—”
* * *
“Shut up!” I yell.
“You do not know what I care about, or
Don’t care about.”
My chest heaves, and
I feel hot everywhere.
“You have not been part of my life for
A long time, and
You do not—
Know me.”
* * *
“I know more than you think.”
His voice is tight,
Controlled,
Unlike mine which
Has pitched too high and
Come out too loud.
* * *
He’s driving so fast, and
I’m so furious, and
For a few terrible minutes,
I think that’s it,
That he won’t say anything else,
That he’ll simply speed to his dad’s and
Drop me off.
* * *
Then he slows,
Turns away from the Youngbloods, and
Picks his way toward my house.
* * *
He stops in the driveway, but
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
It’s my mom’s weekend, and
She’ll be pissed if I stay here.
* * *
“You’re wrong,” Trevor says to his window.
&nbs
p; “I do know you;
I know everything about you,
Down to the pencil-thin lines on your toes, and
The reason you cut your hair so short.
I know you do that to make your mom mad, and
I know you get tattoos to teach yourself a lesson.
I know you love Rose more than anything, and
I know you blame your mom for more than you should.
