by Sladek, John
Someone is gluing overdraft notices to account records at the bank, he spills a drop of glue and welds my record forever to the one in front of it. A department store clerk only pretends to search for my charge account record – actually he’s sneaking a smoke in the toilet. Who can blame him, he’s young, plays with himself though believing it causes the pimples he also plays with. Say a file clerk at the Internal Revenue goes quietly crazy and – what file clerk has not had this dream? – selects one file and tears it up. Or his radium watch dial emits a stray gamma ray which obliterates the microfilm of me. Finally, my dentist, while examining my teeth card, feels suddenly tired. He closes the card in a telephone directory, puts his head down on his desk for a brief nap, and dies.
(2) Pranks. No one knows me well enough to take the trouble.
(3) Conspiracy. Who, again, would bother? Why not simply kill me, instead of breaking into hundreds of offices (or infiltrating them), searching through tons of files and never overlooking a duplicate? They could spend man-years
or expropriating my official self. Think of them, hiring hundreds of agents to infiltrate bureaux, present their qualifications, hope to get hired, wait in line, fill out applications, perhaps miss the job after all, perhaps find out the bureau isn’t hiring today, the budget has been cut.., hoping all the while that I did not marry, have children, write letters to the editor, go to court, vote, sign petitions, buy something on credit, change dentists.., a foreign conspiracy it cannot be, and an American conspiracy is too terrible to think of.
After a week of waiting, Agent Barkley phoned me to say they were still investigating, and would I please remain available? I saw my mistake at once. It is a kind of crime, after all, to be unidentified. So long as the FBI were on the track of my identity, I was a house prisoner. When they gave up, I would be too dangerous not to arrest.
I packed at once and moved out, walked into the factory district across the river, and registered in a cheap hotel as ‘A. Barkley’. It is not necessary that a certain person exists. The mere use of a name, a fistful of cards of identity means nothing. I think of student pranks, of registering for classes fictitious persons: Mort Arthur, Phil Morris, Art Lesson and Mac Hines. These are figureless fields, I suppose, while I am a faceless, rather, fieldless figure. Gene DeFect.
Now I’m cut off. Even if some trace of me has now been found, I can’t contact the appropriate agency or bureau without coming to the attention of Barkley and his friend. Before, I could have found my old copies of tax returns, rent receipts, bills, the ones I saved. If any. I could have taken a lie detector test, affidavits from acquaintances and co-workers, thrown myself on the mercy of the FBI, the agents are human, too, they sweat, they bleed, they do pee-pee, choose one.
Yesterday a new telephone book came out. My name was not in it. Was it in the old? I …
Things aren’t too bad, really. I was unable to pay my bill for room and meals, so Mr Gurnt, the manager, arranged for me to mop the halls for my keep. Despite the beatings, I’m getting to feel at home here.
I’m keeping a journal, from which some of this is copied. Some of it is really written by me, the hall-mopper at this hotel. The person filling out this form is the same object of Mr Gurnt’s kicks and punches. Here I am. Not the government clerk, perhaps, not even the man who signed the register, but here I am writing this, this sentence, and the period at its end. Is this not proof of my true, dense, solid material substance? Answer in full.
No one has seen the journal yet, but me. I hide it from Gurnt and the others. I stop writing and slip it into a drawer when the door opens, always. At night, I keep it in my underwear, in the front, and endeavour to remain on my stomach all night. If anyone had seen it, I’d have been visited by Agent Barkley by now.
The beatings come daily, along with threats to fire me. Empty threats, empty as many of my tooth sockets. The beatings come daily, regular as the meals of boiled cabbage and boiled potatoes, far more regular than my bowel movements. Things aren’t too bad, really.
It is not necessary for a certain person to exist. I said that. Did I mention the telephone directory? Yes. It is beautiful, and I enjoy its beauty still, from outside the page. As a child I was plagued by beauty: rainbows in the puddles by the gas station, dead birds by the gas station, the thumbless attendant at the gas station (I heard he had lost his thumb and believed it to be literally misplaced among his greasy tools. The stump was streamlined and elegant). Now I find teeth on my floor.
To simplify things, I’ve erased my alias from the hotel register. This made the page look odd, so I tore it out. But the pages are numbered – to hide the gap I burned the whole book. But the hotel looks strange without a register.
That about concludes my remarks, except for one. Diet and beatings have greatly altered my appearance. Loss of weight has wrinkled me, I’m missing most of my hair and teeth, my nose is broken, etc. Now, even if Agent Barkley were to stride in here in his well-padded suit and look things over, I doubt very much if he could recognize me as one of the ‘wanted’.
NOTE: The above MS is attached to form MP-788 1-b, apparently filed at the Bureau of Missing Persons on the date shown. It was found crumpled down in the back of the file drawer. Not signed. Disposition: Destroy.
(Approved) Lazarus Cameforth
Bureau Chief
ANXIETAL REGISTER B
Directions.
READ CAREFULLY. Before answering any of the questions below, be sure to have all pages of this form, in order. Fill out in triplicate, using ballpoint pen or, preferably, indelible pencil. Press hard. PLEASE PRINT. Sign name to all copies.
1. State full name at present: ____________________
2. Full name at birth, or baptism: _________________
3. Give any aliases, abbreviations, or nicknames by which you have ever been known: ___________________
4. Attach copies of birth and baptismal certificates.
5. Social security number: _________________
6. Name on your last income tax return: ____________
7. Date: __________ 8. Date of tax return: ____________
9. State your full permanent address: __________________
___________________________________________
10. Where may you be quickly reached by: a)Mail: ______________
b)Telephone: ___________________
c)Telegram or cable: ___________ d)Messenger: ___________
11. List every address at which you have resided, since birth, in chronological order. Include every address, with the following exceptions: a) Hotel accommodations in the United States, Mexico or Canada, for stays of up to or less than three days, occurring more than five years ago. b) Accommodations at U.S. Embassies, in other than an official capacity, for any duration, occurring more than seventeen years ago. c) Antarctic expeditions not using APO addresses. ALL OTHER ADDRESSES MUST BE SHOWN, WITHOUT EXCEPTION. Note: extra sheets (Form AR-B Supplem) may be attached.
Street address: City: State: Date from: Date to:
12. Occupation: _________________________
13. Name and address of company where you are presently employed/were last employed: ____________________________________
13a Last position held:
14. Salary: ____________ 15. Name of superior: ______________
16. Starting date: ____________ 17. Terminating date: __________
18. Attach references. 19. If unemployed, give reason: __________
20. Why did you leave your last job? __________________
21. Give your entire employment history, except for your last or present job. List all employment in chronological order, and include part-time employment. Note: Extra sheets (Form AR-B Supplem.) may be attached.
Company name and address:
Position
Supervisor
Salary
From
To
Reason for leaving
22. Have you ever been fired for: a)Theft: ______ b)Embezzlement: _____ c)Dishonesty: _
____ d)False References: _____ e)Absenteeism: _____ f)Tardiness: _____ g)Loafing: _____ h)Inefficiency: _____ i)Personal reasons (Explain): __________________________
23. Have you ever quarrelled with fellow employees? ___________
24. Have you ever had difficulty with employers? Describe: ______________________________
25. Have you ever stolen any property belonging to an employer, no matter how small in value? 26. Have you ever feigned illness? _______________________
27. Name of your bank or banks? _________________
28. Explain any foreign bank accounts: _________________
29. Bank Account Number(s): _____________________
30. Present balance(s): ________________________
31. Number and amount of withdrawals during past year: ______________________________________
32. Father’s name: ______________________
33. Mother’s maiden name: _________________________
34. Attach birth certificate and marriage licence.
35. Have you ever been arrested a)As a minor: _____ b)As an adult: _____ c)Misdemeanor? _____ d)Felony? _____ e) Convicted? _____ f)Sentenced? _____
36. Give full details of any arrest and/or conviction, including name of offence, whether convicted, sentence and/or fine. Include all traffic offences other than overtime parking.
37. Do you love your mother more than your father? __________
38. If you do not love your mother, explain: _____________
39. Circle which of the following you have ever suffered from: a)Rheumatism b)Arthritis c)Chronic fatigue d)Rupture e)Tuberculosis f)Night sweats g)Nocturnal emissions h)Nightmares (frequent) i)Sleepwalking j)Ringing noises k)Chronic or severe headaches l)Bronchitis m)Homosexual tendencies n)Hot flushes o)Tumours p)Cancer q)Gastric ulcer r)Gonorrhea s)Syphilis t)Asthma u)Hay fever v)Severe cough w)Trenchmouth x)Hepatitis (jaundice) y)Diabetes z)Anaemia aa)Poliomyelitis ab)Heart attack ac)Stroke ad)Heart murmur ae)Blindness af)Deafness ag)Tunnel vision ah)Astigmatism ai)Unexplainable pains (Explain) aj)Visions ak)Epilepsy al)Impotence am)Obesity an)Chronic nausea ao)Drug addiction (Explain) ap)Alcoholism aq)Double vision ar)Frequent or severe accidents as)Amnesia at)Laryngitis au)Malnutrition av)Precognition aw)Cleft palate ax)Harelip ay)Multiple digits az)Paralysis (specify).
40. Have you ever had any serious physical or mental disorder? Describe, specifying dates, physician, treatment, hospitalization etc.: _________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
41. Briefly describe your own condition at present: ____________
42. Are you under medication? Describe: ___________
43. Attach medical records and physician’s affidavit.
44. Have you ever undergone surgery? Describe: __________
45. Have you all your natural teeth? (Attach chart) ______________
46. Describe any amputations, giving dates and reasons: ______________________________________________
47. Have you: a) Both kidneys b) Both lungs c) Ovaries d) Prostate e) Gall bladder f) Both eyes g) A bladder h) A complete stomach i) A complete colon j) Both breasts k) Lower jaw l) Nose
48. Have you ever undergone sterilization? _____________
49. Castration? ____________ 50. Hysterectomy? ____________
51. Do you feel sexual desire for, about, during: a) Those of your own sex b) Those of both sexes c) Children d) Your mother e) Your father f) Your son g) Your daughter h) Sister i) Brother j) Babies k) Cadavers l) Animals m) Birds n) Fish o) Insects p) Cripples q) People who hurt you r) People whom you hurt s) People of special professions (describe) t) People in particular costumes (describe) u) Watching others in the act of coition v) Peeping at naked persons w) Drinking blood x) Drinking urine y) Drinking semen z) Eating faeces aa) Looking at photographs ab) Looking at drawings ac) Drawing pictures ad) Telephoning ae) Confessing sins af) Listening to music ag) Dancing ah) Exposing one’s sex organs to someone else ai) Anal entry aj) Axilial entry ak) Oral entry al) Nasal entry am) Rape an) All members of the opposite sex, regardless of age or condition ao) Watching movies ap) Watching television aq) Performing your ordinary work ar) Masturbating as) Urinating at) Defecating au) Menstruating av) Wearing clothing belonging to the opposite sex aw) A particular part of another’s body ax) Of your body ay) Crowds az) Rubbing against people ba) Clergy bb) Weapons bc) Machines bd) Plants be) Trees bf) Sunsets bg) People of other races bh) Apparel bi) Dangerous or unusual surroundings bj) Inanimate objects bk) Mathematical propositions bl) Thoughts bm) The law bn) God bo) The act of filling out a form
52. List all the persons in your household:
Person:
Age:
Sex:
Income:
Source:
Relation to you:
53. Why do you believe you have been asked to fill out this form? _________________________________
54. Describe briefly your feelings about filling out this form: ______________________________________
55. Describe in detail other forms you have been asked to fill out, explain their use, and estimate your performance: _____________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
56. Describe your character in detail, giving examples of your behaviour to illustrate points. Note: extra sheets (Form AR-B Supplem) may be attached.
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
57. Do you believe in God? ______ If ’no’, explain: _____
58. Have you answered all the above questions? ____________
59. Have you answered truthfully? ____ 60. Have you ever lied? ____
61. Have you ever stolen anything? __________________
62. Why do you believe that you have been asked to fill out this form? _________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
63. If you are merely reading this form, why do you believe that you have not been asked to fill it out? _______________
____________________________________
64. Have you been asked to fill out this form? 65. To read it? _______
66. Not to fill it out? _____ 67. Not to read it? Explain: ______________________
____________________________________
68. Compare this form with others which you may have read or filled out, whether or not you were asked to read them or fill them out: ________________________
____________________________________
69. Be sure your comparison is fair and correct. If it is not, you may rewrite it on extra sheets (Form AR-B Supplem). If you do so, be sure your revision is correct.
70. Was your original comparison correct? _____ Fair? _____ If not, explain: _________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
71. If you revised your comparison, why? _____________
____________________________________
72. Write your life history in brief, explaining in passing your answers to questions 11, 21, 39 and 51 fully. Take as much time, and as many extra sheets (Form AR-B Supplem) as necessary, but do not lie, omit, falsify, distort or invent. If there are any portions you genuinely do not fully remember, you will be asked to complete and attach three copies of Form WH6, Hypnotic Drugs Waiver of Rights.__________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
73. Sign the following statement:
I hereby agree to submit to a Keeler Polygraph (“Lie Detector”) examination, to be conducted by or i
n the presence of a psychiatrist and police officer, during which I will endeavour to answer all or any questions about my past life as truthfully as I am able.
