‘It’s one of my little rituals. At first it was something I had to do, and then it became something I wanted to do. I’ve watched them every day for so many years.’ Her voice had softened and Lucy glanced at her.
It was something she’d had to do.
Elsie had always seemed tinged with sadness, despite her spirit and obvious intention to make the best of life. Lucy had bonded with her from their first meeting, a few minutes’ chat with the elderly lady had often helped her solve problems that she’d been chasing round in her head for what seemed like forever. Elsie was good at solving other people’s problems, even better at avoiding her own, and had only reluctantly admitted what gnawed at her heart and left her sad. She had a secret, a secret she’d told Lucy that had to be kept. A wrong that it was too late to put right.
All she’d told Lucy was that she’d lost a child, and although she didn’t want to pry, inside she was sure it was too important to ignore. Something told her that Elsie’s child hadn’t died, but that she’d had to give him or her up. And now she was surer than ever that she was right. ‘Did you watch your own child, Elsie?’ She didn’t want to intrude, but somehow she just wanted to find a way to make things better.
Elsie had told her some time ago that to dig up the past would be altering somebody’s life, opening a can of worms, that it wouldn’t be fair. She seemed to have made up her mind that it was too late to put right the mistakes of her past – she’d made a choice and had to stick to it. But Lucy wasn’t so sure. Getting to the bottom of the secrets in her own life had helped her move on. Be happy. Be who she wanted to be, not the person life was dictating she should be.
‘Yes dear.’ The old lady sighed, a sigh that turned to a cough. She waved away Lucy’s concern. ‘That was when it started.’ Elsie stirred up the grass at her feet with the tip of her walking stick. ‘There was no other way of watching him grow up, no other way without people asking questions. I wanted to see his first day, check that he was happy, to watch him grow from a toddler into a bold child. And so I watched them all, I came down here each day and waited for the school bell to ring, for his mother to arrive and collect him. And then, even when he grew up and left the school, I kept on coming. It became a habit. But some days now,’ she stroked Molly’s head, ‘I feel like a silly old woman, the weather gets into my bones if I sit too long. Watching the children doesn’t make me feel young like it used to.’
‘Oh Elsie, don’t say that.’ Lucy blinked, knowing the last thing the independent Elsie wanted was her sympathy. But she just couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for the young Elsie to watch her child from a distance, knowing she could never hug, never hold. Watch and have to keep her secret. And now she was still watching, her heart still aching, because she felt she had to.
‘They make me feel like some ancient relic, a fool who has spent her life on the side-lines.’
‘Nobody would ever say you were a fool Elsie, and you’ve always been the centre of village life. Langtry Meadows wouldn’t be the same without you.’
‘They wouldn’t call me one to my face maybe.’ Her tone was dry, a little bit of her normal sparkle returning. ‘But what kind of a fool is somebody who is the centre of everything but her own child’s life? A woman who can’t forget the past, but can’t find a way to repair it?’
‘A kind-hearted one, one who cares. Didn’t you ever have the,’ Lucy paused, looking for the right word, ‘opportunity to have another child?’
‘No dear.’ The sadness in the old lady’s eyes brought a lump to Lucy’s throat and she felt a pang of guilt. She’d been so busy since the start of term, she’d hardly popped in to see Elsie. ‘There was only one love in my life, and that wasn’t meant to be. When he left he took a part of me with him.’
They sat in silence for a moment, watching the ducks, and Lucy knew that if Charlie had to leave, it would do the same to her.
‘Jim tells me that Charles is settling in Wright’s place?’ It was as though Elsie could read her mind, and wanted to divert the conversation from herself. ‘A child shouldn’t be without its father, it’s impossible to understand what is going through the head of that ex-wife of his.’
‘It seems perfect for them, Maisie was so excited about moving in, she’s much more settled now.’
‘And Charles?’
‘Charlie’s worried.’
‘And is the child his?’
If anybody else had asked, Lucy would have hesitated. But Elsie seemed to know everything, but didn’t actually gossip. She just discussed things with the people concerned. ‘He doesn’t know. He doesn’t actually care, he thinks of her as his, but knowing she definitely was his daughter would help his case, but …’
‘Knowing she isn’t could damage it?’
‘Exactly. He’s been told not to risk the possibility. Make it Josie’s responsibility to prove he isn’t Maisie’s father.’
‘All he can do is his best, and we have to trust that common sense and kindness will prevail.’ She looked down at Molly, who had her chin resting on the old lady’s knee and was gazing up at her adoringly. ‘We’re getting old, aren’t we Molly? One day soon I might not be able to come and watch, I might get shunted off to some home full of old dears.’ She looked at Lucy, but didn’t smile. ‘And then my secret will die with me, won’t it? Is it right? Did I do the right thing?’
‘I think maybe he needs to know, your child, as long as it won’t hurt anybody. I mean, it’s important to know where you belong, isn’t it? Who you are.’ Lucy tried to keep her tone measured and steady. So this was Elsie’s secret, a son, a child she’d had to give up. She didn’t really care why, it didn’t matter, but what did matter was that it came out in the open, that there were no regrets.
‘It is important dear, but he does know who he is. He has his family, the people that have nurtured him and made him who he is.’ She paused. ‘Would it make me a bad parent, a selfish parent, to shake the foundations? It could be argued, and I’m sure it will be, that Maisie should know where she belongs. But who is to make that judgement? Maybe it is up to this other man to prove he is her father, rather than for Charles’s parentage to be questioned. He’s been a good father to the child.’ She frowned. ‘He is the only father she’s known. And my child, my child had a mother, the only mother he’s ever known.’
‘But what about you, Elsie?’
Elsie sighed and shook her head. ‘What makes a good parent, a true parent? A good parent puts the child first, my dear, just as yours did for you. Always first, and if I couldn’t put all my faith in that belief, then it would destroy me. It is what has kept me going.’
‘And what does his mother think?’
‘Oh she died some time ago, which is when I started to wonder.’
‘Do you think she’d have minded?’
‘To be honest, dear, I don’t think she would. She was a good woman. We never talked about it, after it was done, and I would never have done anything to upset her. But when I last saw her she did say, he’s yours again now Miss Harrington. Take care of him.’
Lucy patted the old gnarled hand, which was curled over, clutching the top of her stick. ‘Then I think you know the answer. You need some time with him. You’re not allowed to die for years, Elsie, we all need you too much, but you’ve told me to be brave …’
‘And now it’s my turn, dear? Maybe. Maybe. Oh well, enough of my moaning.’ She sighed. ‘Come on Molly, time to head home and give you your tea.’ She struggled to her feet, coughing again as she did so, a dry cough that left her out of breath.
‘Are you okay?’ Lucy frowned. Jim had mentioned that she was a bit under the weather.
‘I’m fine dear, one of those dratted summer colds. Don’t ever get old if you can avoid it, that’s my advice. Now,’ she waved a hand to dismiss Lucy’s concerns, ‘I do hope you’re going to invite me round to Jasmine Cottage when you get it how you want it, dear girl.’
‘Of course I will, you’ll be the first guest.’ Lucy hesit
ated. ‘Was that anything to do with you?’ The estate agent had mentioned that Elsie had suggested they give her first option on the property. But was there more to it than that?
‘Now, now dear, don’t quiz me. An old lady has to have the opportunity to make amends, to do some things right in life. And you,’ she patted Lucy’s hand, ‘need to make sure that you’re there for Charlie. Or you’ll regret it one day, mark my words, we never wish we’d spent less time with somebody, we always wish we’d had longer.’
Lucy watched as she made her way slowly across the green, and wondered exactly who it was she wished she’d had the chance to spend more time with. Elsie seemed to have lost some of her zest for life, acknowledged that the years were passing, and Lucy hoped that she could persuade her to let go of her secrets.
It wouldn’t happen these days, when all births were carefully recorded, and children had a right to know who their parents were if they’d been fostered or adopted. But Elsie had given birth in a different time. Her son might not even know that he’d been given up. The shock might alter his life for ever, and what if he rebuffed Elsie? Could Lucy’s interfering do more harm than good?
‘You look like you’re up to no good!’
Lucy jumped; she’d been so deep in thought that she hadn’t heard Sally sneak up behind her. ‘I was just having five minutes’ peace actually,’ she frowned at Sally, who knew she was joking and laughed. ‘I’ve been chatting to Elsie. Do you think she’s okay? She doesn’t seem herself, and she’s got a terrible cough.’ She didn’t know what bothered her most, the cough, or the air of regret that seemed to hang round the subdued Elsie.
‘I haven’t seen her out and about as much lately, and well, now you mention it she is a bit subdued, not quite her normal self. She’s usually quizzing me about everybody, if you know what I mean?’
‘Oh yes, I know.’ Lucy smiled, then sobered up. ‘She seems sad, old.’
‘She is old, Lucy.’ Sally sat down beside her.
‘But I never think of her as old. Jim said the other day she was under the weather and she’d got a bit of a summer cold, you know what she’s like though, she’s not going to admit she feels ill is she?’
‘Nope, not our Elsie.’
‘Jim’s the only one who knows how to handle her, she seems to accept help from him, he’s brilliant at making everything look like it’s no bother.’ She really should find time to check in on Elsie herself though. ‘It’s not just her cold though, I’m sure that whatever secret she’s hiding she did with good intentions, but she’s beginning to regret it.’ If it hadn’t been on her mind so much, she wouldn’t have answered Lucy’s questions, she was sure of that.
‘Well you’ll have to find out what it is. She likes you.’
‘I think she wants to tell somebody.’
‘Well I don’t know how anybody can keep a secret all that time, and not tell anybody at all. I’d burst. In fact,’ there was a long pause, and Lucy looked up at Sally, ‘can I tell you my secret?’
‘Secret?’
‘There’s only one other person knows, but if I don’t tell you I’ll explode, but you’ve got to promise not to breathe a word, not to anybody.’
‘O-kay.’
‘Not even Charlie.’
‘Well I can’t lie to him.’
‘You won’t have to lie, he won’t ask because he hasn’t got a clue.’
‘He said you were acting a bit strangely, he thought maybe it was because Eric was back.’
Sally giggled. ‘Eric is in on the secret as well, I forgot about him. So that’s me and two other people, but you’re the last person I’m telling.’
‘Are you sure it’s safe to tell me, if it’s such a big secret?’
‘I have GOT to tell you.’ Sally put her hand on Lucy’s arm.
‘Go on then.’ Lucy grinned, and had barely finished talking when her friend leaned in closer.
‘You know I said we were saving a deposit for a house?’
‘Yes.’
‘And I mean, well, using the flat at the vets for now is brilliant and …’
‘And?’
‘Well …’ Sally was fidgeting, and had turned pink, even though from the smile on her face it was obvious that this was something she was happy about.
‘Well?’
‘And I asked you if you thought we were rushing things?’
‘Yes.’ She’d never known Sally not get to the point within seconds. ‘Spit it out, Sal, the suspense is killing me.’
‘And you honestly don’t?’
‘Don’t what?’ She frowned, wondering what this was leading to. Maybe Sal was having second thoughts. Maybe Jamie had done something to upset her, though she certainly didn’t look upset. Just nervous, in the same over-excited way the kids at school could be when they knew the bell was about to ring. But worse.
‘Think we’re mad, you know, rushing?’
‘I don’t. Honestly. You’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for, and everybody knows you two were made for each other.’
‘Well.’ Sally glanced round again, to be sure nobody was within hearing range, but Lucy was sure her loud whisper could have been heard all the way across the green. ‘We’re getting married!’ She ended on a squeak.
‘You’re …?’ She stared open mouthed at her friend – she hadn’t expected that. ‘Really? Wow!’ It sank in, and Lucy knew she was grinning. It was perfect. ‘Congratulations,’ she hugged Sally, then looked round guiltily as she realised she’d been screeching. ‘Oh I’m so pleased for you Sal.’ She dropped her voice to a whisper. ‘To Jamie?’
‘Of course to Jamie.’ Sally bounced on the bench. ‘I nearly told you the other day, after I’d asked you if you thought I was rushing things, I really wanted to tell you, and I know everybody will say it’s quick, but I don’t really care, I mean, we shouldn’t, should we?’
‘No!’ Lucy laughed again at the rush of words. ‘You definitely shouldn’t, though honestly, nobody will think you’re rushing. And it’s how you feel that’s important, and you know you’re sure.’
‘Oh yes, I’m sure, really sure, more sure than anything ever. I just knew he was the one for me, when I was nine and he rescued me after his horrid brother Matt had pinned me down and was trying to make me eat worms.’ She shuddered, then sighed melodramatically. ‘He was so big and strong, and he chased Matt right to the end of the field.’
Lucy laughed. Everybody in the village loved Matt Harwood, Jamie’s brother. He was cheeky, good-natured and always up for a laugh. As outgoing as his brother was quiet. For years he’d set himself up as the village Lothario, whilst Jamie had eyes only for his childhood sweetheart Sally. But now Lucy had a feeling Matt had fallen, and fallen hard, for Jill her kind-hearted classroom assistant. Both brothers it seemed, had fallen in love.
‘Oh Sal, it’s brilliant news. I’m really pleased for you. But,’ she paused, ‘how can you get married in secret?’ Then frowned. ‘And I don’t get it, why?’
Sally smiled, a little secret smile as she clutched Lucy’s hands. ‘That’s what the weekend off work is all about, we’re going to Gretna Green.’ The last two words came out as an excited squeak.
Lucy stared, knowing her jaw had dropped. Sally and Jamie getting married wasn’t a huge surprise, but at Gretna Green, and so soon? ‘You’re kidding? You’re eloping, in a few weeks’ time?’
‘Nope, no joke.’ Her grin had broadened, if that was possible. ‘Doesn’t that sound so romantic? Eloping.’
‘But why not here? Your parents, everybody, I mean, well,’ it was her turn to stutter, ‘everybody will want to be at the wedding, and well …’
‘Exactly.’ Sally sighed and dropped her hands back into her lap. ‘It would just get so complicated if we got married here. You have no idea. I mean, I know Mum will be cross, but she’d take over, and the whole village would be involved, and I don’t want a load of fuss. I just want to get married, all I care about is me and Jamie. When we told them all in the summer that we
were getting engaged, Mum went into overdrive.’
‘We did have a great party.’ The landlord at the Taverner’s Arms had been as delighted as everybody else – they all loved Jamie and Sally, and had waited years for the couple to get together. The fact that when they finally had, things had moved at speed, had not been totally unexpected. The bunting had been put up, a hog roast set up and the fun had gone on way past normal closing time.
‘Exactly, it was a great party. But Mum had planned a marquee on the green, guest of honour, flowers, the Bishop of Whatchamacallit.’
‘A real bishop?’
‘No I’m kidding, but she did want to invite the vicar, and that was just because we’d got engaged. Imagine what she’d be like planning a wedding.’ She rolled her eyes.
‘You don’t want a white dress, the dream wedding?’
Sally sighed. ‘I don’t want a big fuss, and I know it would be impossible to keep it low key. All we’d want is a simple service followed by a cold buffet in the pub, but we’d end up with a two hour session in church followed by the full works, all formal and everything. And I know it sounds daft, but it just isn’t us. I just want it to be fun.’
‘So you’re really eloping! Crumbs, my mum would kill me if I did that.’
‘Mine might.’ Sally giggled. ‘And Jamie’s family might be a bit put out; his dad thought a barn dance was a good idea when we got engaged. God, can you imagine trying to stage manage a wedding? With my mum wanting everybody in posh frocks and fascinators, and Jamie’s family wanting bales of hay, do-si-do’s and cowboy hats?’
‘Well when you put it like that!’ Lucy grinned. ‘I always thought the main problem was the seating plan.’
‘I know Mum will come round, eventually.’ She paused. ‘She’ll just start planning a big christening instead.’
‘You’re not …?’ Lucy glanced down at Sally’s flat stomach.
‘No I’m bloody not.’ She shuddered. ‘If we have pattering feet it’ll be a puppy not a baby.’
Coming Home to Jasmine Cottage Page 9
