by Kim Bailey
Title Page
Copyright
Synopsis
Other Titles by Kim Bailey
Dedication
July
December
May
August
September
December
Exclusive excerpt from Fairytale Kisses (Here & Now #2)
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Illicit Kisses
Copyright © Kim Bailey, 2017
Published by North Mile Books
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
ISBN: 978-0-9958552-1-2
Digital ISBN: 978-0-9958552-2-9
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in, or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of the book.
This is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Disclaimer: This book contains mature content not suitable for those under the age of 18. It involves strong language and sexual situations. All parties portrayed in sexual situations are consenting adults over the age of 18.
Cover, interior design, and formatting by Jersey Girl & Co. Design
Editing by Edee M. Fallon, Mad Spark Editing
Lost in a past love, he never guessed his future lingered in not one kiss, but two.
Dylan McCoy had a goal: win-over love, do right by his son and take back control. He didn’t anticipate Chantal’s allure or expect Sean’s seduction. Two unexpected encounters. Two unpredictable people. Neither easy to forget. Both impossible to resist.
When pleasure for two turns to passion for three, Dylan is forced to examine his choices. Can he hold on to the past, a love that’s already gone, and a plan that’s already failed? Or should he change his goal, play a new game, and let two new lovers show him that even when he lets go, he’s still the one in charge?
This book contains graphic language and scenes that are sexually explicit. This includes M/M and M/M/F scenes. Recommended for readers 18+
The Here & Now Series
Complex Kisses (Here & Now #1)
Illicit Kisses (Here & Now #1.5)
Fairytale Kisses (Here & Now #2) – releasing summer 2017
Broken Kisses (Here & Now #3) – releasing 2018
For the broken, the unrequited, and those who’ve lost.
Love yourself first. It’s the best we can do.
Backyard barbecues will never be the same, and it’s a goddamn shame. Meat, beer, and good friends really are a winning combination. But this? This has no business being called a barbecue. This should just be labeled what it is: an experiment in torture.
The burgers are fine, but there’s no beer, and other than my kid, Hunter—who’s too busy turning eleven to notice me—there’s not a friendly face in sight, and it’s a big backyard filled with a lot of people.
I’m here because Sylvie Anderson invited me to celebrate my son’s birthday. I don’t know the Andersons, except for Eric, but he’s dating the mother of my child, so we’re not exactly friends. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to say yes to his mother’s invitation or politely decline. Hang out with my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend’s entire family or miss a party for my kid . . . What kind of choice is that?
I could have said no and looked like the asshole who doesn’t want to spend time with his kid—the guy who still carries a torch for his ex-girlfriend; the loser who doesn’t know how to get his act together. Or I could say yes and stand around in awkward silence, the outcast who can’t remember everyone’s name. The guy no one knows how to address since they didn’t really want him here to begin with. Maybe the right answer is hard to find because it doesn’t exist.
No matter what, I lose.
It doesn’t help that every gesture I make is being scrutinized. Will he or won’t he? It’s an unacknowledged test. So, decisions like this one—showing up just for the sake of my kid—are the most important. They’re the ones that I make, no matter how painful they are.
To prove that I can.
To prove myself worthy of being around my own son.
It’s frustrating and maddening to be in this position. Feeling weak, having no power, having decisions taken away from me. It sucks. Even if I’m bad at making them, I at least want the ability to choose. The free-fucking-will. I like having authority over every aspect of my life. Considering from the moment he was conceived I’ve had no say in how my child was raised . . . Well, it’s a miracle I’ve kept a level head as long as I have.
As much as I’ve wanted to take on the role of fatherhood—in more than just the literal definition—it’s thrown a giant wrench into my cog of control. Until now, I fooled myself into believing I had everything in order. Right up until the moment I stood in front of Jamie’s dying father and made a promise to try. A promise to do more. To be more.
I’d believed if I kept working hard enough, Jamie would be mine again. I was convinced that I’d be able to win her back and that we’d raise our son together.
Eventually.
At least she’s giving me the chance to be part of my son’s life now. However, even after a year of being hands-on with him, I still don’t know the right way to act. The right things to do.
Nothing feels right anymore.
It’s like missing a button on a favorite shirt. You want to keep wearing it even though it doesn’t fit the same, but you can’t help obsessing over the spot where you know that damn little circle is supposed to be.
“So, Dylan, how’s life in law enforcement treating you?” Eric’s brother-in-law—whatever the hell his name is—asks with boredom. You can tell it’s one of those things people ask to be polite, not because they’re genuinely interested. The truly annoying part? This schmuck is as much an outcast here as me. He’s been hanging around the edges of the party, no one taking much notice of him. Even his own wife, Celeste, has studiously ignored him. He’s a loser.
We are now a loser party of two.
“Work’s good. I’m thinking of applying to provincial.”
“You’re going to apply to the OPP?” the most femininely attractive voice, belonging to my gorgeous ex-girlfriend, Jamie, asks as she walks up behind me.
It surprises me that she could sneak up on me like that. My senses are all finely honed to zero in on her, no matter how near or far she may be. It’s further proof that I’m off my game and extremely far out of my element.
Of course, Eric follows right alongside her. He still doesn’t trust me. I’m a police officer who has the trust of the entire community—but none from this guy. Guess I gotta give credit where it’s due. He’s smart to keep his eye on me.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate him. I’d help him change a flat, consider lending him money, and I’d save his life if it came down to it. He could trust me with just about anything.
Just not with Jamie.
“It’s a dangerous line of work,” the brother-in-law, with the name I can’t recall, probes for more.
“I guess. Hadn’t really thought of it that way. Guess I’m not the kind of guy who’s easily scared.”
I can’t help the smirk that forms at the corner of my mouth. I know my slight shift to look at Eric won’t go unnoticed, but I can’t help myself. I like antagonizing the guy. Our ongoing feud is low key and alwa
ys plays out this way: me slipping in an otherwise innocent comment that he’s able to read for the underhanded jab that it is.
“Dylan’s always been a risk taker,” Jamie cuts in, flashing a warning glare my way. “Why don’t you tell John about the other things you do, Dylan? Like the volunteer stuff at the mission?”
John, that’s his name. No wonder I can’t remember it. It’s as average and unremarkable as the man himself. Jamie’s warning is clear, though. A kid’s birthday party isn’t the place to start a verbal war with her boyfriend. I get it. But damn, when she gives me that saucy look, I can’t help but want to bend her over the picnic table and slap her ass right in front of him.
Conjuring up memories of Jamie bent at the waist, desperate and wanting . . . That image may be unsuitable for the company I’m in, but it makes me feel better to know Eric’s not the only one who gets to enjoy her. He may have her for now, but my memories of the way it feels to slide home inside his girlfriend are still fresh in my mind, waiting right there, whenever I want them.
“Of course, Jamie.” I stress her name, playing along.
She’s always playing games with me, and she doesn’t even know it. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been interested in her for as long as I have. I love that she keeps me on my toes, always guessing what comes next. Our entire relationship was built on this type of cat and mouse scenario, although it’s not all games with her.
I lied when I told Jamie’s dad that I wasn’t in love with her. I’ve been in love with her since I was fifteen. I knew it then, and I know it now. The problem is, she doesn’t have the ability to love me back. Not that she can’t love. It’s evident that she’s head over heels for Eric. But she doesn’t possess the capacity to love me, at least not the way that I love her. I’ve chased after her my entire life, or so it feels.
So, I hadn’t entirely lied to her dying father, because what I actually said was that we didn’t love each other—which, if you think about it, is true.
Just part of our little game.
Eric would be stupid to think I’d so easily give that up. I’m open to pursuing her as long as I feel like putting up with the self-inflicted misery. Unfortunately, Eric’s not as stupid as I wish he were. He’s solidly planted himself right in the middle of my chase.
“The volunteer work’s just part of the job. Community outreach is a really important part of police service,” I supply.
“And we’re all so grateful for the service you provide,” Eric drones, his lackluster enthusiasm unnoticed by all but me.
“Yeah, well, I love my community. When I went into the service, I knew it would have challenges, but I like a good challenge. Keeps things interesting.”
Eric’s snarl might frighten away another guy. In fact, he scares away poor, loser John, who mumbles incoherently under his breath as he wanders off in the direction of his wife, but not me. I stand firmly planted in place.
Knowing I get under Eric’s skin is kind of rewarding.
“Oh, for goodness’ sake, Dylan. Will you please cut it out? I was going to thank you for showing up, but sometimes I seriously question your motivations,” Jamie pleads, her exasperation perfectly clear.
“Sorry. Old habits die hard, I guess.” I’m not sorry, but I’ve been properly scolded. Time to back off before I upset her too much.
“Listen, Eric and I are about to make an announcement,” she says. “I wanted to give you fair warning in case you need to make an excuse to leave. We’ll understand. No hard feelings.”
“No hard feelings?” I scoff. “The three of us are nothing but hard feelings, don’t you think?”
Her glare intensifies. Eric wraps a protective arm around her like he needs to shield her from me. As if I’d ever harm her. Nevertheless, I need to keep things civil—for Hunter’s sake.
“Don’t worry,” I add, backtracking from my foot-in-mouth comment. “I’m just kidding around. I’m a big boy. As long as you’re not taking Hunter back to Toronto or something, it’ll be fine.”
The look Jamie gives me—a mixture of fear and regret—reminds me of the look she wore when we were seventeen, right before she ran away, but I don’t have much time to examine that look or ponder its meaning. Eric grabs ahold of her hand, dragging her toward the row of picnic tables set up in the middle of the yard. With a short, shrill whistle, he captures everyone’s attention.
“Sorry to interrupt everyone’s conversations. I know we’re all here to celebrate birthdays for Hunter and Caleb, but Jamie and I have something to share. Since you’re all here, we figured this would be as good a time as any.”
Wrapping his hands around her waist, he lifts her to stand on the seat of a picnic table. When she’s steady, he takes one of her hands in his own, slipping a ring on her finger. Not just any ring—a giant diamond ring that catches the sunlight and challenges the radiant glow on Jamie’s face for attention.
Murmured gasps of surprise ripple through the crowd.
“We’re getting married!” Jamie announces.
The backyard erupts in frenzied commotion. Laughter, cheering, even some crying. It’s a flurry of crazy activity.
From everyone but me.
I am frozen.
There’s nothing I can do but watch from the sidelines as my life falls apart all over again, my last vestige of hope finally ripped out from under me.
Jamie, my Jamie. My princess. The mother of my child. She’s getting married to another man.
She was right. I need to leave. I need to be alone with my agony. I can’t stand to watch the woman I’ve loved for half my life move on and leave me for good.
The game is truly over.
And I am definitely not the winner.
***
Stealing away from the backyard, I traipse through the Anderson’s house, determined to walk straight out the front door and not look back.
If being here was torture before that announcement, then it’s possible I’ve now died and gone to hell.
In my life, there have only ever been three things that I ever really wanted: a professional hockey career, my parents to stay together, and Jamie Hartley to be mine. Since professional sports were only ever a pipe dream for a guy with no talent, and my parents divorced when I was ten, the only dream I had left was Jamie. I used to have her. Then, somehow, I lost her, and I’ve been trying to prove myself to her, to win her back, ever since.
The problem is, she’s been so focused on raising our child, she’s blind to all the things I’ve done to make myself worthy of a second chance. She didn’t see me busting my ass at school to better myself while I held down two crappy serving jobs. She didn’t know about all the hours I volunteered in my community. She was clueless when I joined the police force. Hell, she didn’t even recognize when, each month, the child support check I sent was bigger than the last.
Did I visit all the time? No. But she’d hidden herself away from me then kept me at arm’s length when I did eventually find her. She rejected me in every way. Except physically. Physically, we’d been as fiery together as always. Right up until Eric came along.
I’d done my damnedest to turn myself into a provider, a respectable guy who she’d let into her life, into our son’s life, and got shit to show for it—other than accusations and heartache.
My heart sure is aching now.
She’s getting married.
My foot hits the tile of the front hall, the door and my escape only steps away.
But my footsteps falter. I can’t leave. Leaving solidifies my status in the loser category. I can’t control what’s happening right now, but I can control the way people see me react. If I leave before the cake is served, before saying goodbye to Hunter, the idea that I’m a bad father will get even more credit. There’s enough fodder in that camp already. I don’t need to add to it myself.
Turning briskly to my left, I head into the bathroom instead.
A moment to collect myself, that’s what I need.
But I don’t even get the
door completely latched before there’s a soft tapping on it. “Dylan?” a woman coos from the other side. It’s a sickly-sweet kind of voice generally reserved for babies and pets. Nauseating.
I’m not up for company. I need a minute to get my shit together. Is it really that much to ask? Except I can’t ignore her. She won’t stop the goddamn tapping.
Opening the door again, I face off against Eric’s sister, Celeste.
“Are you all right?” she urges.
What’s with this chick? From the first day I met her, she’s acted all sorts of strange around me. She looks at me like a lost puppy in search of an owner, but with absolutely everyone else, she’s a tornado.
“I’d be better if I could take a piss.” I try for brash. Maybe a bit of rudeness will turn her off.
“Oh, I thought you might be upset. I saw your reaction to the news. It must be difficult for you.”
“Why are you here, Celeste?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why would you follow me? Why do you care what I’m feeling? And why the hell can’t I just have a minute alone to use the can?”
“Well . . . I just . . . I thought I could help make you feel better.” Her innocently seductive look is out of place. It’s also out of line.
I don’t know what her angle is, but I don’t like it. This isn’t my kind of game at all. Not only is she making it way too easy, but she’s married. I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but I don’t do married.
Although doing his sister would be an awesome way to get back at Eric.
“How exactly did you plan to make me feel better?”
A smile spreads across her face, feeding my annoyance. She must have missed it in my tone.
“Whatever you’d like.”
“What I’d like is for you to turn around and go back to the party. Maybe offer your services to your husband—John, isn’t it? He seems like a nice guy. Had a chat with him earlier. Wouldn’t want to have a chat with him after this, though. That might be awkward. For you.”
