by Rosie Clarke
Lizzie nodded, leaving Beth to get on with her sewing while she went up to look at the sleeping children. They were all asleep: Matt with his covers thrown off, Jenny tucked up like a little dormouse – and Betty was curled up on her side, her eyelashes shadowed against her cheek and her tiny fists curled. Lizzie felt a pang of love. Her child was so innocent and lovely… and so precious…and the sight of her lying there made Lizzie ache with longing and loss, because her darling daughter had lost the man she’d begun to know as Daddy…
‘He’ll come back to us, my darling,’ she whispered and stroked Betty’s head with the tips of her fingers. ‘I know he isn’t dead… he can’t be…’
Chapter 25
Somehow Lizzie got through that Christmas with a smile on her face for the sake of the children. She and Beth had decorated the parlour and it looked wonderful with a tree and all the trimmings. The children had lots of presents and everyone joined in the fun, determined to make the best of what they had despite the war and all the hardships it brought.
In the first few months of 1942 the news from the Front seemed to get worse and worse and everyone looked at each other fearfully. Life was hard in Britain, but the people were tough and they were learning to go without or mend and make do. Women were told to wear shorter skirts to save on material and Lizzie lived with the daily expectation that she would be told hats were to be rationed, but it didn’t happen.
For Beth and Lizzie life went on much as before, despite the lengthening queues and the cuts in electricity and the shortage of coal and sometimes even logs. As the year wore on the fear was that the Allies were losing the war in the desert and everyone read the gloomy reports and wondered if anything would stop the German onslaught.
‘What will happen if the Germans come?’ Aunt Miriam asked fearfully when she was nursing Betty on her second birthday. September was still nice and warm but with the prospect of winter to come the shortages were beginning to bite and it was hard to keep cheerful, but Lizzie did her best to keep from showing her heartache as month after month passed and she heard nothing more of Sebastian.
‘They won’t come,’ she reassured Aunt Miriam now. ‘Our soldiers are doing all they can, and we’re bombing them too. I know everything seems gloomy, but the Americans are helping. It will get better soon, I’m sure.’
‘Well, if you say so, Lizzie. I couldn’t bear to think of this little one being hurt…’
‘None of us want that, but I try to believe that everything will be all right.’
‘You’re so brave, Lizzie. You haven’t heard a word from Sebastian, have you?’
‘No…’ Lizzie blinked and turned away. It was so hard to keep believing when she had no word from him. As yet nothing official had come and she was praying that somewhere he was still alive.
*
It was just before Christmas 1942 when Lizzie had a letter from Whitehall. Her hands shook as she opened it and discovered that it had been signed by someone from the Prime Minister’s office.
Dear Mrs Winters
I am sorry to have to inform you that your husband has been missing for some months. He was on official business for the Army, arranging the logistics of vital supplies and something happened. As yet we are unable to tell you more, though we believe he may have been caught up in a German raid and been killed. You will of course be informed if we have more news, but for the moment you should consider him missing believed killed on active service.
There was a paragraph saying how sorry they were and what useful work Sebastian had been doing and it was signed by someone whose handwriting she couldn’t read.
Lizzie stared at the page as the lines blurred and the words ran into a meaningless jumble. Someone had thought enough of Sebastian to write to her and it looked as if the official view was now that he was dead. The visit from Jack had been unofficial, but this was a blow to her heart.
For a few minutes Lizzie felt as if her life had been torn apart, but then she suddenly rejected what had been written. No, Sebastian’s life couldn’t end in a few formal lines of regret and sympathy. He was too vital, too strong, too important to just disappear like that. Lizzie’s head went up. She screwed the letter into a ball and tossed it into the fire. She wouldn’t believe this lie.
Sebastian was alive. She’d endured a year of not knowing where he was and she would go on for as long as it took, but something inside her was sure that he would return.
‘You have to be alive,’ she said aloud to the empty room. ‘I won’t let you be dead, Sebastian. I refuse to let you go. You’ve got to come back to me. I want you, need you…’
But even as she said the words, the tears were trickling down her cheeks.
‘Please come back, my darling…please don’t leave me…’
*
‘Good!’ Beth looked up from the newspaper she’d been reading. ‘It says here that the Ruhr in Germany has been getting a pounding from our boys and Berlin has been bombed again. Serves them right for what happened at the Tube station the other week…’
Lizzie nodded, understanding why Beth felt so bitter. It was April 1943 and they’d been at war for almost four years now and were used to disasters; children killed when a school was hit on the south coast, factories destroyed and thousands of men dying, but the recent Tube incident had upset Beth more than most. There had been a daylight air raid warning and people had hurried into the Tube station at Bethnal Green. A woman carrying a baby had tripped and tumbled and people who were rushing to get to safety fell over her. Several people had been crushed in the freak accident, including Beth’s friend Janet Redd, a girl she’d known at school.
‘Yes, that was awful, and I agree it does make you feel that way about getting back at the Germans for all they’ve done; the Blitz of London, Birmingham, Coventry, Liverpool and other cities…’
The two woman looked at each other, because although there were encouraging signs that the Allies were at last making progress in various parts of the world, tragedies kept on happening and everything was still pretty gloomy.
‘It says here that clothes rationing may be tightened again,’ Beth said. ‘Only three pairs of new shoes allowed a year now. If they cut it much further, we’ll all be walking around with only rags to our backs – have you heard whether they’re going to ration hats?’
‘No, nothing has been mentioned yet,’ Lizzie said and smiled. Beth was in one of her grumpy moods. Matt had been fretful again and his cries had woken both Lizzie and Beth in the night. He’d got out of his bed and gone to rouse his mother, demanding a drink of orange squash, which was the reason she was tired. At nearly three, the twins were becoming a handful, Jenny almost as bad as her brother these days. Betty was quieter, but got frustrated when she couldn’t keep up with the other two. ‘I’m finding it difficult to buy new parts for the machines; it seems I need a permit to buy them…’ She sighed, then brightened, ‘Mind you, Lizzie Larch Hats is doing well, and Oliver’s has all the Government work they can manage. Hatty says if women couldn’t have a new hat sometimes they would make more trouble for the Government than the Germans have dreamed of…’
‘Everything is rules and regulations, but we’re luckier than most,’ Beth put the paper down as the doorbell rang. She got up and went through to the hall, leaving the door open so that Lizzie could hear as she answered it and invited whoever was there inside. ‘You’d better come through to the kitchen…’
A young woman dressed in a grey coat and a jaunty red hat with a feather followed behind Beth. She looked ill at ease and seemed hesitant to say what she’d come to say.
‘My name is Vera…’ she began, looking from Lizzie to Beth. She’d taken off her gloves and was twisting them nervously. ‘You’ll probably think I’ve got a damned good cheek coming here…’
‘Do I know you?’ Beth asked and then, her voice rising indignantly, ‘You’re engaged to Tony. You were getting married – at Christmas in ’41?’
‘Yes, we were, but something happened and h
is leave was cancelled. I haven’t seen him since that November and now…’ Vera took a deep breath. ‘Well, the truth is, I’ve met someone else. He’s an American and we’re getting married as soon as he gets permission from his commander… but I’ve come about Tony…’
‘Spit it out then,’ Beth said warily.
‘Well, I know you used to go out with him and the thing is… he’s been hurt bad and shipped back to England. He’s in the hospital in Portsmouth and they contacted me to go and see him. I can’t, because… I can’t face him after I wrote and broke it off…’
She floundered to a finish, looking red in the cheeks and nervous. ‘So you want me to visit in your stead?’ Beth stared at her in disbelief. ‘You rotten little cheat. Do you mean he doesn’t know you’ve ditched him?’
‘Well, I told you I wrote, but he didn’t get the letter, because his CO thinks we’re still engaged… I thought I’d tell him face to face, but now he’s in hospital and I can’t do it. Would you visit him and tell him…?’
‘Of all the cowardly, disgusting things!’ Beth glared at her. ‘What he ever saw in you I don’t know. Yes, I’ll visit Tony, not because you’ve asked me, but because if I’d known he was hurt, I would’ve gone anyway.’
‘You will?’ Vera looked relieved. ‘I’ll probably be moving out of London soon, when my feller gets posted to his new billet I’ll be going with him in married quarters… at least that’s what I hope, so I shan’t be able to look after the shop. I’ve brought the keys round for you…’ She handed them to Beth, who gave her a disgusted look but accepted them. ‘Thanks. I didn’t know what to do when I got the letter asking me to visit – but then I thought of you… I know Tony still likes you…’
Beth led the way to the door, opened it without a word and then shut it behind Vera with a snap, her eyes dark and angry as she returned to the kitchen and Lizzie.
‘Have you ever heard anything like that? I should think he’s well rid of her – leaving him in the lurch when he really needs help.’
‘When shall you go down, Beth?’
‘Tomorrow,’ Beth said. ‘Tony and I go back a long way, Lizzie. He’s still my friend and I need to tell him about Vera – see what he wants me to do about his shop. I can get an assistant to look after it for him, but someone will have to do the ordering and bank the takings. You can’t leave it all to a new girl who hasn’t done it before.’
‘Well, you could do that yourself,’ Lizzie suggested mildly. ‘You spend three days at the workshop, but that still gives you time enough to look after Tony’s business. You could oversee it, and there must be plenty of responsible people who would love an assistant’s job – an older woman or man perhaps…’
‘Yes, I’m sure there are,’ Beth said, she’d already mentally stepped into Vera’s shoes, but there was a more pressing issue on her mind. ‘Vera said he was badly hurt… what do you think that means, Lizzie?’
‘It could mean anything. She obviously hadn’t bothered to inquire as to the nature of his injuries… would you like me to come with you to the hospital? Aunt Miriam would look after Betty and your mum would have the twins.’
‘Oh, Lizzie, yes I would,’ Beth said. ‘I told you we met that day in the market? It was just after Bernie… and I was really down. Tony bought me a drink…’ Beth was remembering. ‘I thought he was going to marry Vera – but I do care for him. I suppose I always did in my way. I know he isn’t interested in taking the twins on; he made that clear when I was still carrying them, but I care if he’s all right – I care if he’s in pain. I want to help him as much as I can.’
‘Yes, that’s natural,’ Lizzie said. ‘I understand how you feel, Beth. Perhaps Tony may have second thoughts if he comes through this – it might be a second chance for you, love.’
‘I wish…’ Beth shook her head. ‘No, I won’t start wishing for the moon. I’m just going to be there for Tony, visit him and help him when he comes out of the hospital…’ She suddenly sat down, her face white. ‘Oh, Lizzie. I don’t think I could bear it if…’
‘Just stop that,’ Lizzie said sharply. ‘Vera had been asked to visit. He must be alive and the doctors clearly think a visit from his fiancé would do him good – so just hang on to that and pray…’
‘At least he’s alive,’ Beth said. ‘I didn’t think I would see him again. I thought he would be married and that was the end of it, but now…’ Her throat caught with tears. ‘I’m frightened, Lizzie – supposing he doesn’t want to see me instead of Vera?’
‘I think he’ll want to see you – but you may have to prepare yourself for seeing him if he’s badly injured?’
‘It’s Tony, Lizzie, and no matter what he’s like now, I have to help him to get his life back… just the way you’ve helped me since what happened with Bernie…’
*
Lizzie saw the fear in Beth’s eyes. She’d been brave all the time they’d been on the train but now she was beginning to get anxious. Lizzie wasn’t sure whether it was what she was going to see when she was taken to Tony’s bedside or telling him about his ex-fiancé – or just generally feeling nervous.
‘I’m going for a walk round the town,’ Lizzie said. ‘I’ll be back in an hour. If they put you out of the ward before that I’ll meet you in the canteen.’
‘All right,’ Beth said and walked up to the desk. She inquired about Tony’s whereabouts, was asked a few questions and then returned to Lizzie. ‘He’s only allowed one visitor a day and I’m it. I’ll see you later.’
‘Yes,’ Lizzie said and squeezed her waist. ‘It will be all right, I promise.’
Beth nodded and walked off in the direction she’d been given. Lizzie went back to the hospital entrance and stood outside in the cool air. At least it was dry. She could walk into the town and have a look round but she would be back in plenty of time, because Beth was bound to be upset when she left Tony… but at least she knew that he was still alive.
Lizzie knew now that it was more than likely that Sebastian had been killed. Seventeen months had passed and she’d heard nothing from him. She was a fool to go on hoping, but Lizzie couldn’t let go. Something inside her just refused to give up hoping.
*
Beth gave her name to the nurse in charge of the ward and was directed to the bed at the end of the ward. There were screens separating each bed and that made her heart catch, because she thought it might mean that the patients were dangerously ill.
‘How is he today?’ she asked.
‘About the same,’ the nurse said. ‘You can have twenty minutes with him, but he is still very easily tired so you mustn’t expect too much.’
Beth walked towards his bed, her heart pounding, because she wasn’t sure of Tony’s reaction when he saw she’d come instead of Vera. She paused outside the screens, took a deep breath and then went in. She felt her throat tightens she saw the white bandage around his head. The lower half of his face was unscathed, but there was a red line just beneath where the bandage finished. A cradle in the bed held the bedclothes off his legs; one arm lay atop the sheets but Beth’s stomach turned as she realized that the left arm of his pyjama top was empty. He’d lost an arm… For a moment the pain of it took her ability to speak, but then in another heartbeat she’d recovered. Whatever her pain and shock she had to be strong for Tony, because he would need her.
‘Tony,’ she said softly, because his eyes had remained shut even though she was sure he sensed someone was here. ‘It’s Beth… I wanted to see you…’
‘Beth…’ Tony opened his eyes and for a moment hope flared and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to see her, even though the look had gone in an instant and he was frowning. ‘It was good of you to come all the way down here – who told you?’
‘Vera came to see me,’ Beth said, because there was no point in pretending. ‘I’m so sorry, I have to tell you… She has found someone else, Tony. She gave me the keys to the shop and, if I have your permission, I’ll find an assistant and look afte
r things myself until you come home.’
For a few moments Tony just stared at her, then inclined his head, a slight twist to his mouth. ‘If you remember it was what I always wanted… for you to look after the shop and…’ the words died on his lips but Beth knew that it was a reproach for her refusing his request when they’d been courting before the war. She’d been so young then, not ready to settle for being tied to a shop, but now she knew she would give anything to turn back the clock.
‘Oh, Tony, please don’t…’ she begged because it hurt, especially when he was lying there so pale and still. ‘I wish…’
‘What do you wish, Beth?’
Tears caught the back of her throat and she couldn’t speak for emotion, but then she sat on the edge of his bed and her hand reached for his; he seemed to resist at first but then took her hand in his own. ‘I wish we could go back…’
‘So do I,’ he said fiercely. ‘You don’t know how much…’
Beth was close to tears. She knew she had to steady things down, for both their sakes.
‘We can’t change things, but I can look after the shop if you want? I work three days a week for Lizzie, but that gives me plenty of time to do your accounts, order your stock and make sure everything is running properly. If you’ll trust me to choose a new assistant to serve in the shop?’
‘I don’t have much choice…’ he said, a note of bitterness in his voice, but then shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that, Beth. If you have time…’
‘I’ll make time for you, though I can’t promise to turn the business round immediately…’
‘Well, you won’t do any worse than I did,’ he said flatly. ‘I might have known Vera would run out on me the minute she found something better.’
‘I’m sorry, Tony. I didn’t like telling you, but you had to know.’ Beth pressed his hand, her throat tight with what might have been sympathy or even love, because seeing him was making her remember how much she’d cared for him. ‘I didn’t want to hurt you…’
